Fearandloathing
Jul 25, 2007, 09:41 AM
At the age of 20 I began dating a coworker (also 20) of mine who had also gone to the same high school as me (we didn't know each other at all in HS, she did PSEO and left Junior year).
It was our first serious relationship and it started in the wrong way. She had been dating a guy about 5 years older than her and began seeing both of us. After some time (about 3 months) I expressed my concern over being the "other guy" and she decided to become serious with me and broke off relations with the other guy. Sadly, this left a bit of jealousy inside of me that lingered for a long time.
We started the relationship in December, but she was going off to Ireland for 3 months in January, so we had little time to get emotionally close. When she left another coworker of mine (also female) began flirting with me more and more. Nothing ever happened between us, but I did write about the events. I went to go visit my girlfirned in Ireland for about 1 and a half weeks and was met with the cold shoulder. After some time, this did end and we became close again.
Upon her return home, she avoided me heavily. Previous to this, I had mentioned that I had been hanging out with our other coworker and she became very upset and jealous. I had a trouble seeing my mistake at the time but look on it as a bad one today. Eventually she came back to work with me and we became close again. It only because we worked together that we began seeing each other once again. Before that, she did everything to avoid me, only seeing me once or twice and with friends around.
However, after a few weeks of working and driving to work together (I lived on the way to work so she would stop by and pick me up), we rekindled our relationship. We both apologized for our errors and the jealousy between us and became even stronger. After a few months, she bought a house with a friend of hers and asked me to move in. Things went very well but jealousy continued to haunt our relationship and cause major strife. We got into bad arguments (after a night of drinking of course) and it caused a lot of pain in both of us.
After the second year of being together we were slowly working out the kinks. Then a good friend of mine got into a car accident on my birthday and ended up nearly killing himself while under the influence. I quickly became a recluse and never wanted to go out, avoided heavy drinking and became very afraid if people around me were sloppy. Oddly enough I didn't notice this change in behavior until a year after.
During this time, our relationship began to decay. I neglected her, her family, and all of our friends. I noticed that my life had become so filled with only her that I didn't know my own friends any longer and I became very concerned and freaked out. Soon after she was going to sell her house and either move to Ireland for a year or stay in the area. I moved out and moved in with a friend so she could sell the house and we would move wherever she wanted (I am pretty laid back about it).
After I moved out, I became even more aware on how intertwined our lives had become and how I no longer knew my friends. I began going again and drinking very heavily. I went on doomsday rants about our relationship and told all of my friends I was ending it with her. She could sense my attitude shift and became very concerned. To sum things up I was extremely mean to her, telling her we wouldn't work out, at least now now, maybe in the future etc. I told her our families didn't get along, we were doomed, how could this really work etc. In the end, all very horrible things to hear from your boyfriend of nearly 3 years at this point.
In December I was visiting her and she decided we should take a break. I became disturbed at the idea of actually going through with it and had trouble following through with it. I did everything wrong during this period and called her constantly and tried to see her as much as possible. After a month, she decided it was over and that I was bored of our relationship.
It was one of the last times I saw her. We agreed to be friends and go our separate ways. I was devastated that it was actually happening. We saw each other at a mutual friends (mostly her friends) wedding and after that she asked her friends not to invite me out because she did not want to see me. It felt like the post Ireland trip again.
During this time I began to date around (it had been 6 months since we broke up) and around July I entered into a relationship with another woman who I had causually known for about 3 years and met up a few times as friends here and there. However, this woman was going to be moving away in a few months and it was very iffy if we would stay together. In the end, she moved and we began a long distance relationship. After my second visit to her, she ended up proposing to me and I accepted.
I moved out of state with her 8 months later and am now living with her.
So here is my delimma: My relationship with my fiancé had been really wonderful. We both really wanted the same things in life and it was amazing (you know the first months of bliss haha) So things went amazing in the 4 months we spent together. I should also note we were hanging out a lot after my previous relationship ended.
We hit some very hard times in long distance, but after I moved with her things got a lot better and back to how they were.
However, I feel scared recently. I keep having dreams about my ex (at least 4-5 times a week) and I feel that I miss her intensely. I want to call her and write her but I have tried my hardest to keep my distance. Actually, as I write this, I know I have been having these dreams ever since we broke up and have constantly missed her. It's been a year and a half now and I feel that I have learned so much about myself since I saw her. Sometimes I find myself missing her so much and pushing my current relationship away. I feel sad about my current relationship and can't bring myself to tell my fiancé that I have these feelings for my ex. It's at least once a day that I think about her and keep hoping she will call or write, but I know she won't.
One of the last times we spent together was when we went to see the new King Kong. I remember at the end of it she was in tears and said "It's so sad... she was everything to him and he gave his life for her. That's what a girl wants you know, a guy who will love her to the end." I find myself at times wanting to cry as I think about her and I and all the mistakes I made.
I feel like there is so much more to tell, but I am at a loss for words and this thing has become too long. I hope someone has some advice or some suggestions, as any would be appreciated.
It was our first serious relationship and it started in the wrong way. She had been dating a guy about 5 years older than her and began seeing both of us. After some time (about 3 months) I expressed my concern over being the "other guy" and she decided to become serious with me and broke off relations with the other guy. Sadly, this left a bit of jealousy inside of me that lingered for a long time.
We started the relationship in December, but she was going off to Ireland for 3 months in January, so we had little time to get emotionally close. When she left another coworker of mine (also female) began flirting with me more and more. Nothing ever happened between us, but I did write about the events. I went to go visit my girlfirned in Ireland for about 1 and a half weeks and was met with the cold shoulder. After some time, this did end and we became close again.
Upon her return home, she avoided me heavily. Previous to this, I had mentioned that I had been hanging out with our other coworker and she became very upset and jealous. I had a trouble seeing my mistake at the time but look on it as a bad one today. Eventually she came back to work with me and we became close again. It only because we worked together that we began seeing each other once again. Before that, she did everything to avoid me, only seeing me once or twice and with friends around.
However, after a few weeks of working and driving to work together (I lived on the way to work so she would stop by and pick me up), we rekindled our relationship. We both apologized for our errors and the jealousy between us and became even stronger. After a few months, she bought a house with a friend of hers and asked me to move in. Things went very well but jealousy continued to haunt our relationship and cause major strife. We got into bad arguments (after a night of drinking of course) and it caused a lot of pain in both of us.
After the second year of being together we were slowly working out the kinks. Then a good friend of mine got into a car accident on my birthday and ended up nearly killing himself while under the influence. I quickly became a recluse and never wanted to go out, avoided heavy drinking and became very afraid if people around me were sloppy. Oddly enough I didn't notice this change in behavior until a year after.
During this time, our relationship began to decay. I neglected her, her family, and all of our friends. I noticed that my life had become so filled with only her that I didn't know my own friends any longer and I became very concerned and freaked out. Soon after she was going to sell her house and either move to Ireland for a year or stay in the area. I moved out and moved in with a friend so she could sell the house and we would move wherever she wanted (I am pretty laid back about it).
After I moved out, I became even more aware on how intertwined our lives had become and how I no longer knew my friends. I began going again and drinking very heavily. I went on doomsday rants about our relationship and told all of my friends I was ending it with her. She could sense my attitude shift and became very concerned. To sum things up I was extremely mean to her, telling her we wouldn't work out, at least now now, maybe in the future etc. I told her our families didn't get along, we were doomed, how could this really work etc. In the end, all very horrible things to hear from your boyfriend of nearly 3 years at this point.
In December I was visiting her and she decided we should take a break. I became disturbed at the idea of actually going through with it and had trouble following through with it. I did everything wrong during this period and called her constantly and tried to see her as much as possible. After a month, she decided it was over and that I was bored of our relationship.
It was one of the last times I saw her. We agreed to be friends and go our separate ways. I was devastated that it was actually happening. We saw each other at a mutual friends (mostly her friends) wedding and after that she asked her friends not to invite me out because she did not want to see me. It felt like the post Ireland trip again.
During this time I began to date around (it had been 6 months since we broke up) and around July I entered into a relationship with another woman who I had causually known for about 3 years and met up a few times as friends here and there. However, this woman was going to be moving away in a few months and it was very iffy if we would stay together. In the end, she moved and we began a long distance relationship. After my second visit to her, she ended up proposing to me and I accepted.
I moved out of state with her 8 months later and am now living with her.
So here is my delimma: My relationship with my fiancé had been really wonderful. We both really wanted the same things in life and it was amazing (you know the first months of bliss haha) So things went amazing in the 4 months we spent together. I should also note we were hanging out a lot after my previous relationship ended.
We hit some very hard times in long distance, but after I moved with her things got a lot better and back to how they were.
However, I feel scared recently. I keep having dreams about my ex (at least 4-5 times a week) and I feel that I miss her intensely. I want to call her and write her but I have tried my hardest to keep my distance. Actually, as I write this, I know I have been having these dreams ever since we broke up and have constantly missed her. It's been a year and a half now and I feel that I have learned so much about myself since I saw her. Sometimes I find myself missing her so much and pushing my current relationship away. I feel sad about my current relationship and can't bring myself to tell my fiancé that I have these feelings for my ex. It's at least once a day that I think about her and keep hoping she will call or write, but I know she won't.
One of the last times we spent together was when we went to see the new King Kong. I remember at the end of it she was in tears and said "It's so sad... she was everything to him and he gave his life for her. That's what a girl wants you know, a guy who will love her to the end." I find myself at times wanting to cry as I think about her and I and all the mistakes I made.
I feel like there is so much more to tell, but I am at a loss for words and this thing has become too long. I hope someone has some advice or some suggestions, as any would be appreciated.