I have known my friend for a wile now and a cuple of months ago I told him that I liked him and thank god he felt the same way i did. So him and I started talkin and all and I asked him if we would ever go out ( girlfriend and boyfriend) and he told me that he didnt want a relationship. So I said ok but could u ever see us together and he said it wouldnt work out. So now I dont know what to do. We bouth like each other, talk on the phone all the time for hours, text each other on our cell phones and IM each other things we never did before. The other night I asked him what are we know and he said we are friends with benifits but I want to be his girlfriend. What should I do?

:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: Help

If you talk on the phone all the time for hours, etc. then it sounds like you DO have a relationship -- surprise to him! It's just not the kind you want. The friends with benefits is not a long-term idea; someone gets hurt.

I'm not sure this is ever going to go where you want, but the only thing I can suggest is to cut off the "beneifts," whatever they may be. Stop calling/texting/IMing and do not answer his communication either. Hopefully he will miss you and start taking it seriously. You have to be firm about what you want or you won't get it.

Friends with benefits?OK if you want to see if this person is really into you then stop giving him those added benefits... the last thing you want to become is a booty call for this person and it sounds like you are headed that way... it sounds like this person likes you as a friend but nothing more... hes not interested I think you should just move on...

Again! Same mistakes!

You need to pull back - you're just WAY too availablr too him and he takes you for granted. He has you - why should he change the relationship.

I would be busy doing other stuff. Cut him off. He will come roaring back if you can do this.

You have way too much commuication - it ruins a relationship. You DON'T and shouldn't be on the phone all the time. Stop that!

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don’t let on how excited you’ve become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

He's not going to change until you change. You give him everything he wants.

"The friends with benefits is not a long-term idea; someone gets hurt." - Yep - some one eventually wants more OR they THINK they can eventually convince the other person to commit. Bad idea - because while you're BWF he islooking and dating other woman.

I dont understand how a guy could say that he likes you and thinks u look good and not want a relationship with u. I have known him for a long time and I know for a fact that a cuple of months ago he went through a really hard split from this girl that he liked and he told her that he loved her and all, but in the back of my mind I am just wondering if that is why he doesnt want a relationship with me. If that is the case dont u think that he should tell me that. Myself I just got out of a 2 and 1/2 year relationship and I dont want to be tied down to anyone. All I want is to just have someone there 4 me not sexually. Yea if we do have sex thats fine but I dont want that to be the only reason why someone is hanging around me. Maybe I should be honest with him and tell him that I am not lookin 4 a relationship right now but if it does happen I wouldnt stop it form happenin. I like u alot and I dont just want to be your buddy. We could betogether but not officually. But I still need help with this I dont want to lose him at all. So someone help me please. :confused: :confused: :confused: :(

Again - read my post.

You are NOT doing the things in a relationship to MAKE a person WANT MORE!!

You can't be on the phone with him all the time. You can't be with him all the time. Quit text messaging. You come across to that person as needy!

It's the way YOU are behaving.


When dating, have you wondered why it seems it's the ones that you really don't like whom you can't seem to get rid of and the ones you do like who never seem to stick around? The reason is simple. It's not the person but the way you behave toward them him or her.

What determines interest in another human being is a fascinating thing. Most people are actually on the fence at the start of most relationships. This means that almost every time someone can be swayed toward either liking you or disliking you. And he is moved in either direction - either closer or further - depending on how you relate to him.

This is because as human beings we are forever guided and governed by human nature. The bottom line is that it's not the person you're dating, it's the things you are doing that determine his or her level of interest. So if it's not you - defined as your looks, personality, background, and so on -it must be your that determines the direction and, ultimately, the outcome of the relationship behavior toward this person


This very powerful, yet simple psychological strategy can be summed up in one sentence:

IMPORTANT:

You need to behave with the person you don't like the way you've been behaving with the person you do like.


You need to behave with the person you do like the way you've been behaving with the person you don't like


While there are many little aspects of one's behavior there are four main factors, which are discussed below.

Availability

People want what they can't have. By constantly making yourself available, you're actually diminishing your value. This is not a trick or a game to play, but a function of human nature. Attraction is not a fixed value. This means that what someone thinks about you is determined to a large extent by what you do, not but just who you are or what you look like. The law of scarcity is prevalent and relevant in every area of our lives, especially here. That which is plentiful is often under appreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable. When you are dating someone whom you are not interested in, you tend to make yourself available which is convenient for you. And when you're dating someone who you really like you're consistently available. Do the reverse.

This means when you're dating someone you don't like too much, if you are not baking cookies for him, calling him twice a day asking where the relationship is going, and so on, then don't do it with the person you like. And by the way, when you do this with the ones you don't like, they'll be scared off soon enough, so you've eliminated this problem as well.

Usually to get someone to like you, you want to make yourself available, because this increases liking. If this is so, doesn't it contradict the law of scarcity? Here's what is often misunderstood. If you want someone to like you, then you do indeed want to be in their company fairly often. This is true, but remember that liking is the foundation of every relationship. That means that once you move past the liking stage (meaning the person is already fond of you) and the relationship unfolds into something more serious, then you want to limit your availability.

Perspective

In your relationships, you need perspective. In life, when we derive pleasure from only one source we tend to overemphasis it's value and importance. You should find meaning in your life outside of the relationship so this person doesn't become your whole world. It's important to feel fulfilled in other areas in other areas of your life so you're able to maintain a sensible perspective and not rely on someone else's affection as your sole source of satisfaction and happiness. When you're dating someone you're not interested in, you have plenty of perspective because you're not thinking, "This is the only person for me; if I don't have him my world is over." You're thinking, "All right, let's see what happens; maybe he'll grow on me, and maybe he won't." And it's precisely that mentality that translates into the best attitude. And it's this attitude and your corresponding behavior that actually make you more attractive.


Passion

Here's the crux of how and why relationships work or fail. Simply, you can't appreciate what you take for granted. This in essentially why people, in general, become unhappy in their own lives. They always want more but are never grateful for what they have. And if you are not grateful with what you have, you will begin to take it for granted. And when you do this, you no longer appreciate it. And when you don't appreciate something it holds no enjoyment for you.
The same holds true for relationships. If someone takes you for granted he or she will not appreciated you and will begin to look for someone else. Similarly, if you went to the doctor and were told that you might lose your hearing, you would probably develop a renewed appreciation for sound. Our gratitude lies in being reminded that w should not take these things for granted.

And you don't take for granted what you believe can be taken away from you at any time. Similarly, if the object of your affections is a bit insecure with the relationship -meaning there is an element of doubt -then his or her black of confidence will not lead to arrogance and ingratitude. You must create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship. Since it's possible for someone to be taken away from us at any time -by accident, by illness -why do you have to create more doubt?
If you're in love, you don't This is for those who are not yet at that stage, for whom we artificially and temporarily create the same "atmosphere" of uncertainty.

Again, without some doubt there is the feeling that "you will always be there." Then he no longer sees how great you are and loses appreciation for you. He begins to take you for granted and then and the passion dies. But you, in your relationship, can within a second reignite the passion and turn the relationship around by introducing an element of doubt. Passion is extinguished when there is no doubt because when there is no doubt you will be taken for granted. Just as in the previous example of going to the doctor; You never gave your hearing a second thought until you thought that it might not be there. When doubt is introduced into the equation it changes you perspective! I cannot stress this enough: You will be taken for granted and not appreciated and the passion will go out of the relationship if all elements of doubt are removed.
Unfortunately, when we are insecure about a relationship we harm it further by being clingier because we need reassurance. But in doing so you reinforce that you are forever his and remove in his mind any doubt that you might not always be there. And then passion is extinguished. It is a fact of human nature. But now that you understand you can use it to your advantage.


Remember that this and other factors discussed here are not ideas or tricks that work sometimes. These are laws that dictate human behavior. If you use them and operate within these parameters you can succeed at gaining complete leverage in any relationship. But finally, make sure that you don't make the mistake that most do when it comes to…how you make them feel.
Why can't I have an open, honest and trusting relationship? You can, of course, but you have to wait until you are in love with each other -and here's why. The above three tactics are ego-based and are designed to get you to this point, but should be discontinued so that you can move on to a mature and lasting relationship. Briefly, love is the absence ego or the "I". And once this takes root, the dynamics of the relationship change so that the more the person is available, and the more he does for you, the more you love him. As far as passion goes, you need only introduce some uncertainty should you feel you are being tasken for granted.


How You Make Them Feel

She likes you based on how you make her feel about herself. This doesn't contradict the above. You should still maintain the above behavior -regarding your attitude and availability-but you do want to treat the person well. It's bad advice, though often given, that you don't want to build up someone's confidence, and be overly flattering and complimentary, because then she will "know that you like her" and back off. To a degree, we know this can be true, because when someone likes us, while we are flattered, we can find ourselves less interested in the person. This reaction comes courtesy of the rule that says, We want what we can't have and want more of that which we have to work for. Simply, if it falls in our laps we tend to have less appreciation for it.

But herein lies the crucial difference between being attentive and kind versus telling her that she is your entire world and the only person for you. (Because, as we talked about, this removes doubt and begins to erode the passion.) The former is more objective and has to do primarily with her. The latter involves your relationship and invokes the rule of scarcity. Notice the crucial difference between saying how much you like this person -which makes you lose leverage -and telling her that she is likable and a great person. Merely stating that somebody is terrific makes her feel great and makes you look great. It's a winning combination because it's only the confident person who tells another how wonderful and terrific she is. And we like confidant and secure people! The distinction is often blurred and we end up trying to "play it cool" and not wanting to "show our hand." This accomplishes little and creates a cold and uncomfortable atmosphere. But lavishing this person with "objective" praise shows you in the best and most confident light and makes her feel great! Again, you want to let her know that you think she's great but not that she is your whole world and that you can't live without her.

The fastest way is too lose leverage and to lose someone that you like is to do the opposite of the above. That means making yourself completely available, having no perspective, removing all doubt, and being uncomplimentary. Do this and you can be sure that you'll be back dating someone you don't like very much.
For this new knowledge to be useful you mist memorize it and practice it all the time.

See - AGAIN!

People want what they can't have - ALWAYS. You're WAY too available to this guy.

Back off. Be BUSY!! Don't answer his calls.

My god I post this stuff every day!! It's too easy to do. Learn this. Live it!!

YOU HAVE TO DO THIS STUFF.

Ditto what all Wildcat says. Plus, duh, you can't MAKE someone care about you. You just CAN'T. You can pull back and hope he misses you, but if he doesn't care, he still doesn't care. Ouch, I know.

YES!! That's the greatest point Turtle!!

It kills me - BUT you can NEVER convince a guy/girl to like you. NEVER! If you do they run.

That which is chased runs!! I've learned that painfully in the past - I never got it until a few years agao.

That's why you got to pull back and see what happens.

Chase or no chase, no one is going to MAKE me love him. You can't force it. You can't make anyone care about you on any level. You can only make people have NEGATIVE feelings towards you, like hatred or fear. The other stuff can be influenced but not created by you alone. Ah, the game of life.

Is it ok to still have sex with your ex boyfriend? :confused:

It's not immoral, but it's not healthy. And you know that.

Be well.

Hi,
Leaving morality out of this, you would be a jerk to do so.
If you include morality, then you shouldn't be having sex with anybody!
Your "ex-boyfriend" is just that, your "ex".
Why would you want to have sex with him now?
Meet new people, don't let him "use you".
Best of luck,
fredg

No - it's not. The really insecurity and LOW self esteem. If he is an ex - he is an EX.

I guess if you like being used?

It's just not a good situation.

Shut this guy out of your life and find someone else. ONCE you quit all communication he might come back after a few months.

ALL that will happen is you get hurt all over again as you really want more and appears not to want it.

Love doesn't work this way - you have to play hard to get - not ho.

I just found out last night that the guy that i was talkin about really likes me and is scared that I am just playin with his head and that I dont really like him. Whell I am so happy to hear this that I dont know what 2 do. But I left the guy a message on his computer the other night tellin him that we need to talk and he said that he will call me one night after he gets off from work. So we will see what happens next! ;) :)

Let us know what happens - make sure you read what I psoted as well - no mistakes here.

My guys friend and I havent been talkin much at all. The other 2 days at work were hell. He would look at me like he use to when we were talkin but not sayin nothin to me. I texed him to find out if he was ok and he said that he was havin a bad day and he was still sick and that his brothers girlfriend was in the hospital. So I told he that was sorry to hear that and if he needed anythin i was just a phone call away. And he said that everythin was fine wand that was it. The next day he was a little better came up to me and leaned over my regester and looked at me and I said are u ok or are u still sick and he said I was for like a week and walked away. But I dont know what happened 2 him we talked 2 weeks ago and things were fine. So what the hell do I do?

Hi,
Don't do anything. Leave him alone.
Let him make up his mind about your relationship.
If he is really a friend, it will come out eventually.
Best of luck,
fredg

Remain the same, continue to be yourself. You are highly sensitive and that in itself is not a terrible thing; however, you must note that sometimes people have a hard time expressing themselves, if internally you feel that this person, just needs an ear to hear, offer your ear but leave the ball in his court. Let him know that you are there for him, if he just wants someone to hear him out, but then respect him. Do not let what you hear, leave your mouth.

You do nothing... the end.

I think you did just right to let him know that you are there for him... Thats it.

I agree with wildcat21, a man is only going to go as far as you will let him and if you let him use you he will cause what man is going to say no to and that's the honest to GOD TRUTH