My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years and everything has been great but this last month. I was her first serious relationship and we had a great time traveled the world together. With in the last year she moved about 4 hours away for work so we haven't seen as much of each other. The last time I saw her she brought up the fact that she needs space I asked why. Her response was she hasn't ever been independent she feels like all her friends are my friends and she wants to go and figure her life out she also said she loves me and feels like I am the one but she wants to make sure that it is true. So I went along with her space idea don't like the idea but that's what she wants. Here is where I am lost before she left she started crying and couldn't stop hugging me for about twenty minutes. Her last line to me was I love you and I can't picture my life without you and I don't want that to change she kissed me and drove away. I know I need to not contact her but this is eating away at me should I totally move on or should I keep a little hope that the love of my life will come back to me? Please help me figure out what she is doing here!

Don't lose her. Looks like she really loves you and I'm guessing you love her as well or else you wouldn't take out time to sit and write about this here. Just give it a week or two if not a couple of days if it already hasn't been so already, and call her. There's nothing more that makes a girl happy then seeing that the guy she likes cares enough to not lose her. Go for it.

How old are you guys

We are both 23!

She probably wants to experience being independent for a while or from the way she acted when she drove away she may want to see what other fish are in sea.

>qoute< I love you and I can't picture my life without you.
If she feels this way why does she need a break. I know if I felt this way about someone I would risk losing them?

Yeah I think she wants to see what else is out there and when I asked her about that she said well how do I really know if you are the right one for me? So I think she wants to test the waters just to make sure.

I was 29 when I met my first love and she was 36. She always used to tell me in the beginning of our realationship How do you know I am the one. I told her I don't know but I love you and I'm not going tyo risk us to find out. Maybe I should have seen what was out their. 5 years and 5-6 breakups later she has my engagement ring and has supposely new boyfriend. I should have ran years ago. So I would heal yourself and see what out their. I she comes back you will be healed to make a decision to take her back.

Thanks for that I hear u I have had many year plus relationships and this one felt like no other relationship I know she is the one I want to be with.

If she cares for you she will be back. On one of my breakups she did to me she wanted me to go on dates to find out if she is the one but no kissing or sex. I told her I could never date others if we are together. But I would move on.

I don't think its fair to ask someone to wait, while the other explores life to find herself. If she does find someone else now what?? Unless this break is a lot more specific, and more fair to you I would be doing my own thing ,to make myself happy without her. Never wait on maybe's. Ain't that much love in the world to make me a backup plan.

Hey guys I really need some help I contacted her today just to say hi and what's up. I know I shouldn't have but I did she got very pissed off said things like I thought you would have respected my space and she said again that she isn't happy with me right now and the space is going to help her if she ever gets it. She told me she is 90% sure that she wants to be with me but if she doesn't get her space she can't make it to 100%. It really feels like I am being played with here and it is so hard for me right now to not forget about things because I am on vacation so not 2 busy and thinking about her all the time. How do I move on I want her to look at me as the fun guy again but I can't do that is she doesn't want to talk. I know that if she doesn't come back to me I will be fine but I really love her and want to be with her I just wish I could have let her know the past 6 months.

I went through the same thing. I was able to contactact her and she contacted me a bit as well but almost the same situation. I made sure to go out have fun, improve my sitution and word got back to her through our mutual friends. She came back to visit for a week a couple weeks back and things went really well. She is gone again but is cutting her stay short to come back home and live with me. We have agreed to not be with other people while she is away and we now talk every day. When you eventually are able to talk again be very supportive. I did not rush her back because I knew if I did she may regret it.

so not 2 busy and thinking about her
Get busy and leave her alone. Its to late for should have, would have, could have. Find a life without her in it. Get friends, a job, or volunteer, anything to occupy your time in a positive way.

itit did she want to have no contact with you until she was ready?

Well she wanted very limited contact I talked to her maybe 2 or 3 times a month she was gone for almost three months before she visited and she called me maybe 2 or 3 times total and a bit of MSN. With in the first few weeks of the break up once I got my head straight I sent her a big email explaining how I understood why she was doing what she was doing. I just put myself in her shoes to understand what she was going through and that helped open up communication. Another big thing is I tried to keep all conversations light but at the same time I was supportive. I think if she was only 4 hours away she would have probably asked for no contact as well because it would be easy to see each other and get back into a relationship but my girlfriend is a 5 hour plain flight away. Hope this helps, check out my threads to get all the details of how everything went down. I happy to answer any questions I know how bad it sucks.

itit I take it that you went through almost the same situation as I did and I looked at all your post and seems close to what I am going through. This is her first relationship and I almost get the feeling that she wants to break it off but doesn't have the heart to just tell me. But I feel like I should trust her when she tells me that 90% of her wants to come back and I think that is a good chance. This is an email she sent me before she came over that last night and told me she can't picture her life without me and doesn't want that to change.

That is what I want (to be with you), but right now I need to just let go. I don't want it to be forever, but its not fair to you or me to try and put a time frame on this. I should have never let it gt to this point, but I guess I always just figured I could let stuff go - but I couldn't and now its built up to a point that I really can't deal with it. I think being away from you will help me realize that I still want to be with you, that I love you in the way I did, and that I more or less need you in me life. Right now, I can't say that I feel that way - but I do want nothing more than to feel that way again.

When she says she let things build up she is talking about my lack of telling her how much I loved her she just wanted to hear it but I never said it and she felt like she was going to get dumped any day. Did you give up hope on your girl coming back? Did you think that there was no way she wanted to come back no matter how much she told you she wanted to? I have emailed her and told her that I am going to change and I want her to be happy I guess I just need to let her go and let her become happy without me but I feel like if I do that then she won't want to come back to me.

Its way easier to focus on the negatives, I did all the time and defiantly gave up hope a bunch of times. The not knowing thing is super hard and if she is unwilling to talk to you at all at this point I guess there is a lot you don't know. I guess the best thing is to go out and try to have fun, exercise improve yourself in anyway you can. You mentioned you have a lot of mutual friends all this positive stuff will get back to her for sure. As long it's been a few weeks since you last contacted her. Email her something super casual EG. Something you know she will find funny that happened at a party or the bar. Just try to get any kind of interaction going and progress from that but take it slow.

She does talk to me when I call but she gets super frustrated that I won't just let her be and she says that is driving her nuts. We took a break once before like 1.5 years ago it was my call I came back to her she gave me the space I wanted could that have anything to do with it?

I don't think the break had anything to do with it. Same thing happened with me as well; I broke up with her and for the most part she gave me space then I went back to her.

How often to you call her? You may need to go no contact for a bit and just try to stay busy doing fun stuff. That should get back to her. When my girlfriend started hearing about all the positive stuff I was doing she started calling me. I defiantly made a few calls where I got the vibe I was annoying her but all that eventually changed.

I will have to go no contact she said she is going to call me tonight to talk about everything. Should I tell here that I am going to move on so then she gets the real feeling that I am totally gone during the break or should I just say well I hope someday you will come back to me but at this point I need to let go? She said she wants a break like a week ago and we have talked on the phone twice, we went three days with no contact then I got a text from her saying Happy 4th and hope you are having fun out east (I am on the east coast for vacation right now). I guess I just need to forget about her at this point and do my thing I feel deep down inside of me that we are meant to be and she has mentioned that she feels the same way but doesn't know how to verify that feeling since this is her first relationship.

This is what worked for me and few other people I have talked to. The site seems to be very pro 'no contact'. My approach was a bit different. I would not tell her you are going to move on. Just give her the vibe you are having fun on your vacation tell her about your trip and be the old fun you. I would try to keep things light but if you guys planned on talking about your situation tonight this is what I would do. Tell her you love her and you want to be with her but you don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be you. Tell her just want her to be happy. Also say that this break up is probably a good thing because it has given you the chance to reflect on the relationship and see the mistakes you made. Tell her you are going to enjoy the rest of the summer, have fun, save coin (whatever positive things you plan on doing). Take an interest in what she is doing (without getting nosey) not just pertaining to your relationship. Try not to get emotional stay positive and only let the conversation go as deep a she lets it go follow her lead that will help you keep it light.

Thanks for the advice I will post after the call and let you know what happened I just can't shake the feeling that she is going to come back to me and I want to because I think that will help me with this but maybe I am not supposed to shed that feeling because she tells me she "wants" to come back.

Well we talked tonight and it went very well I played it cool just like everyone said to do. We talked a little bit about the break and finally she was calm enough to tell me what she was thinking. She told me once again that she is not going out to replace me but doesn't want to rule out the option of dating other people during this break because what would be the point of the break. She also said that she didn't foresee anyone that could compare to me and that any dates she would go on she is afraid she would end up comparing them to me. After we said goodbye I went out to dinner with some friends she ended up calling me left me a voice mail saying "I hope you know I love you I just don't love you in the way I want to love you for us to be in a relationship I know I want to love you in that way and by taking this break I know I will grow to love you more." There were some other things about she has an email that she will send me next week once I am home something that she has put together for the past week of this. I don't know what will come of this but I know that by playing it cool it made a difference. So I don't know what to do next but I think I need to move on but at the same time if she comes back down the road and I am still having the same feelings for her I should give it another chance.

Flyguy I feel for you and I know what you are going through. Holding on to every thread of hope and analysing emails and thinking well she may come back she may not.

I will give you the absolute truth right now. Weather you believe what I tell you or not it is 1000% yes 1000% correct.

What you are currently doing will not work that's right Will not work!! What is happening at the moment is she does not feel the spark for you she loves you know doubt after 4 years you always will love that operson forever. But there's a difference between loving them in a nice way and loving them in a needing way. She doesn't NEED you at the moment aND SHE IS CONFUSED ASA TO WHY BECAUSE SHE can't UNDERSTAND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER FEELINGS WHICH SHE PREVIOUSLY HAD.

Let me tell you what that next email will sound like unless you change your approach. It will say """I love you so much but I just dont feel like i used to feel and I know i will always love you but this is what i have to do for myself to grow,I hope you understand. Love you.""""


In the first two years she was probly worried maybe even longer that you were going to dump her so her interest and love for you was higher. I have been there i went out with a girl who was 18 for 3 1/2 years she was loving me so much and missed me heaps when i wasnt around but as the relationship goes on they gain more confidence and realise you may not be getting ridopf them and that you do love them and instead of being normal these girlsthen start to feel safer with you which is what you seem is a good idea but the problem is since the now have you they then start to wonder what else is out ther and since you are first they know they have you and start to feel like they can venture out . These girlsnormally comeback cause there are a heap of jerks outtherre and they realise what they had. the idea is to never let her feel like she totally has you , I know this sounds bad but thats the way it is with these first relationships. If you understand what i mean whileshe feels so in love and is wondering what your going to do all te etime she cannot think of anything or anyone else caus you occupy her mind all the time. This is for sure what was happening in the beginning ofyour relationship.

Anyway to help you o, because you must not think what i could have done or anyhting like that. IT TIME TO ACT NOW thats right starts now what has happened id done past!

If you want her back you MUST do exactly this cut trhissmall talk outand let it go. It will be so hard but let me tell you listen to what she said she wants to date other guys!!! COME ON MATE WAKE UP.. You tell yourselfas every other guy does well if she goesout and dates some guys she will realise im the one!!! TOALLY WRONG DUDE... Who wants a girl who has to meet other guys to know your the one thats CRAP!!!!!

Put ittis way ifyou really wanted this girl wqould you tink ofmeeting other girlsto know ifshes the one NO WAY MAN you wouldnt risk it.

Next time she calls dont ANSWER, dont answer for sa god dam week are you listening to what shes saying she said """" I know if ispend time apart from you then i will love you the way i want too""""" So listen spendtime away that means no contact at all PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make her feel the void your so close yet so far!! And this is only going to go the wrong way if you don't do this.. You do not need to let her know that your not talking to her anymore you do not need to let her know anything. Don't CALL HER at all!! PLEASE DO WHAT SHE SAYS LET HER MISS YOU!! DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. Let her discuss it tell her nohing.

Dontaswerfora fewdays and f she messages you tell her your moving on and not waiting around you knowwhat you want and yourve decideyou dontwant to wait around for someone who is unsure tell her yourve thought about it and you don't deserve that sothats it.

DO it it sounds bad but you must show her she can't makedecisions your in chrge that is what she wants she wants the opld guy back who makesher feel like sahe can be replaced at the moment you look like a desperate hanging onto her. Show her your moving on and good luck. Then never call her and if she alls you she wants you if she doent then she doesn't want you. Let me tell you now ifyou keep doing this crap your doing which seems fine it NOT your out I promise you now she willadventually say I jut dontfeel it. YOU MUST MAKE her feel it NON TALKING NO YOU VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID Make her feel the void she will get angry and may say something like well if your not talking why would I bother don't listen to that just say you wanted the break and I don't want tobe stuffedaround tell her you want to be in a relationship with someone who knows whatbtheywant!! DO IT NOW

Remove the source of your pain for now. That is her. Don't be second best for anyone especially yourself. Your first and last love is yourself. Not saying there isn't someone special out there who won't ever let you down but this one just has.

Accept what's happened and try your best to keep busy. I changed my outlook on life after my breakup. Instead of saying no to people I said yes. Because of that I have had so many good memories and trips away, as well as destroying my bank balance - but that's another story. You must keep busy!! You could try these:

1) Write a list of your short term and long term goals
2) Write a list of all the bad things about your ex
3) Hide away all memories of your ex
4) Notice I say EX
5) Join the gym - exercise releases feel good chemicals, makes you look good, and makes you feel good + you meet a load of nice people
6) Get out in nature
7) Ever wanted to do something in life like travel? Nows the time
8) Flirt with other women - you are free to do as you wish now, so enjoy it, pig out, eat rubbish food (For a bit) watch the film your ex hated but you loved,
9) Go no contact - (very important, you both need time apart to get over the feelings)
10) Stay away from the grapevine, ignorance is bliss
11) She's confused, let her rot in her own confusion, don't become part of it and let it wash over you even more
12) Remember time will heal the wound but you will never forget, the scar will be there for ever, you can choose to move on or stay in the past!
13) You don't need anybody to be happy, the best revenge is to be happy yourself and make improvements for yourself.
14) The more you push on her the more she will pull, so become that fun bubbly person for you not for her! Maybe in the future you will meet again as friend, foe or lover, but for the immediate future you need time apart to reflect on life and start afresh. Accept this as an opportunity.

Thanks all for the advice I know I need to not contact her and I am going to do that. I think that be me contacting her in the past week I have seen her pull even more. She doesn't want to look at this as over yet on the phone I told her I am going to move on just like she is and that this will be the last time we talk and she got pissed saying she isn't looking at it that way she is looking at it as she just needs space and she wants more then anything to come back and she thinks she will but she said you never know what will happen. I am going to get myself in way better shape during this time I also start my job flying for northwest here in a few months which will cause me to move down to her area and I am going to do everything in my power to make her miss me and think that I am the fun loving guy I used to be.

No you don't do anything for her to miss you. Its all you from now on not her YOU! Get that in to your head.

Its just you from now on. Who cares what she's doing.

Watever you do don't call don't aswer!! Definitely don't believe anythibg she says like that rubbish line of how I'm not looking at it that way and I think I will be back!! Ive heard iyt all before this is just to make you feellike your still in there she will just keep you dangling and you know what when she says this she isnot being mean she actually believes what she is saying she does not think she's draging youalong mateshe actually doesbelieveshe may be back but if you don't make her realise this then she will jut drag this out and you know what either some other jerk will arrive and teat her crap and she will say how she loves him so much and yoor out then!! So get bust living without her and become a bit of a jerk and se will love you for it. That's riight be unavailable be out don't be there for her HELL she dumoed you your free and you mujst act like there's plenty ofgirls who are going to steal you from her. YOU MUSR CHANGE thisaroud show her that she is going to have to fight to keep you cause the way she is talking at the moment she thinksse is making the decisions.Did you see how when you told her your moving on I bet she gotangry thae only reaon she got angry wasbecauseshe started to worry. That is right you may move on and she will be on her own and she doesn't want tha. So unless you want tobe on your own show her your ocf there are girls who no what they want and they want a great guy likeyou. Shre will realise this when your gone but at the moment she will say things like wellif your moving on then you obiously don't like me enough and if you are a wussy and back down becauseyouthink you might lose her then you probably will. You have to say something like no I just want someone who knows what they want and you said your not sure so I'm justhavingfun an we will see what happens anyway gootago . That's howyou do it you can't be afraid show her your living the life withouther and someone else is going to live it with youNOT HER CHAMP! Se will be running bak wanting to bepart of your life again...

Thanks for that mckenzie... I will make sure to do that I am looking at this as she isn't coming back because then I will be ready for the worst. I will move on and have a good time and she will see this... I am going skydiving today kind of a little celebration/I can do anything and no one can stop me type event. I will keep everyone updated on what happens thank you all for the advice and if I struggle with this I am coming right back here to let you all talk some sense into me.

Mckienzie, don't forget to use paragraphs!

Have fun jumping out of the plane.

I think if you play it cool that's the best way. No contact is good for sure but I think its best to talk or email occasionally and keep it super casual and don't get deep. This will create good memories ONLY if you can do this with few if any emotional slip ups and give the impression that you are having fun and moving on with your life. Don't ever talk about other girls or ask about other guys and always keep conversations light and fun. I wouldn't say things like “this will be the last time we talk” unless you mean it. Move on have fun and try not to dwell. Not every situation is the same but this is what worked for me.

Wow... this sounds so familiar. Sounds just like my relationship. Same thing happened to me last September.

Trust me... its not you. Like you said, its her first real relationship and she has never felt true independence.

You need to let her go do her own thing right now. She needs to find something that is missing in her life.

So the best advice I can give is to do you. Anyone on this board will tell you that you need to get busy with your life. Make friends... go to the gym... do your hobbies... make new hobbies... get busy making your life the best it can be. I know you are thinking... how the hell do I do that... I feel like sh!t. Well... take it a day at a time and realize that you will get better. That people like me have been through the same things and we are proof that the pain does fade... and your life does get better again.

So Do You!


Here is my breakup... this will help you because I choose a different way to get through it and it worked for me.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-wants-space-but-tells-me-not-give-up-her-93599.html

All of us go through that phase in life where we want to know if we can have a life that we enjoy without anyone else helping us. It natural, and called growing up.

Hey everyone skydiving was a blast gave me such a rush. No one can slow me down I have great things ahead of me and if she wants nothing to do with me that's fine. She is going to be missing out and I think she will feel the void very soon. It is still going to be hard to move on but I should be with someone that knows what she wants.

It is still going to be hard to move on but I should be with someone that knows what she wants.

Confusion is okay for short term dates, but relationships require more than confusion. Flyguy you just found out something you needed to know.

Yeah I try but even though I am moving on there is still a large part of me that wishes she comes back and feels like she will.

I feel like she just need a little space to figure out her life but she's going through the stage her life were she's trying to find out who she really is in life.

Honestly I think you need to make a choice. Do you want to give it a try and get her back? Or do you really want to move on, forget about her and cut off communication? I think the later is easier said then done. If you do choose to try to get back with her that doesn't mean you can't have fun and even date other girls if she is also dating. What you should do is just be supportive with what she is trying to do, don't put any pressure on her and give her lots of space.

Move on. Forget her unless she comes back & proposes to you on her knees.

Hay mate she isn't confused she just isn't into you at the moment this is for sure. What will happen is you will keep hanging around like a desperate and every lifeline she throws your way you will analyse and think maybe I should call and she will even say stuff like well your not even trying. Well its simple she will say whatever ittakes to provoke you so the best thingyou can do fortwo weks is disapearstop communicting with her if she asks tell her your taking a breakl and you don't really want to talkaboutitatthe moment and you are going to figure out what you want out of life. Let her know this break has opened your eyes to what you want, don't tell her whatyou want let her wonder then sauywell I've goota go an go!! Get lost let her wonder what the hell your thinking now,, Now yopur the one who needs the break andshe woill be the one contacting you...

Everyone has been saying that I spend way too much time with her and by no contact that is going to make her come back but I haven't been around her that much she lives 4 hours away. One of her main reasons she said she is doing this is because I didn't express my love for her in the past 6 months she felt the void the last 6 months. She felt like I was going to come home or call her at any moment to end it. So yes I need to give her the space she wants and I am going to wait for her to contact me by phone in a few weeks before I respond but I don't know if full no contact is the best option... anyone?

Sounds as though she is really insecure. Go no contact and work on yourself.

Hay mate she willtell you enything at the momentweather it be you werntthere enough or whatever the simple factis she is not that into you at the moment and HELL you think its taken 6 months of her worrying to do this. If girsthink you are goingto breakup with them they don't break up with you for that reason. The reason she said that was to try and makeyou say I will change I will give you moretim I will o this I will do that I will let you have me by the balls and drag me around like a dog!! GET REAL BUDDY girls love guys who have bsalls and run the show and they don't leave them they only leave wuss bags who believe every ounce of crap that is coming out of hwr mouth. IF you really want her tell her yourve had enough yourvethought aboutthings and since she's so up and down your finished wth her! Simple leave it at that. SHE WILL BE BACK IGUARANTEE as soon as you sow her your not putting up with this she will be back why do you think she has stayed for solong because you were in charge but now the tanles areturning and she is in control and dragging you arounf reverse this now or your out SIMPLE

My option is the same as my last post. And that is what worked for me.

It is still going to be hard to move on but I should be with someone that knows what she wants.
You know the answer, just do it. Be about you, and your own healing, and be happy.

Hey everyone I am back at work now keeping busy this morning which is helping me keep my mind off her we still have had no contact since Monday night. I haven't contacted her and she hasn't contacted me so she is getting the space she wants. I am going over to join a gym tonight try to keep me busy after work and getting into better shape is always a good thing. Thanks for all the advice the past few days when I get to a point where I feel like I need to contact her I come and read all of these posts so they have been a major help. We will see when the next time she tries to contact me but I don't think it will be anytime soon and at that point I don't know if I will pick up.

She sent me a text today it was so hard not to respond... I take it I can expect much more of this? At what point do I start responding not for another 2 weeks? What point does she start to run away thinking that I am totally gone I don't want it to get to that point.

Do you know what you want? Call her but say nothing of getting back together, just be a good listener and figure where she is at. Be yourself.

I want her back but I want her to come back to me and I want her to know that this is right. I don't know what she wanted with the text it was a Hey and that she was going to send a letter that she has written over the past few weeks about the situation. I still get this feeling that she doesn't know what she wants and is looking for someone else.

What point does she start to run away thinking that I am totally gone I don't want it to get to that point.


She doesn't run away everyone thinks like this. The more you ignore her the more she will want to talk about it. Every bloke here says but she might think I'm not interested well your not going to ignore her for a month are you. Its called a couple of days and then you reply. If she sends you a hay what's up, you don't reply you reply the next day. You let her wonder what your doing...

I think Mac put it very well, your giving her space and time to miss you and examine her feelings without any pressure from you. That doesn't mean run and hide but be busy with your own life while you go slow when she contacts you, to make sure she is doing what she wants being with you. No contact is when you know its over and you get healthy. Call her but leave the relationship out of it and let her lead the conversation and you listen. You don't have to fall all over the female just go slow and build trust, and listen for where her head is at. Your time is used to find out your mistakes and correct them as you slowly build communications. Your insecure and need to work on that or else you wouldn't be worried about her looking for someone else. Keep working on yourself.

Her text was a simple hey what's up, I have a letter that I am going to send you, and oh yeah Thank You. The thank you was from something I dropped off at her house about 4 days ago while she was at work. She loves these candy that you can only get on the east coast so I picked some up for her when I was on vacation and left them at her house. So I don't know if the text was an I miss you type text or more of a thanks for doing that I feel like I have to text you now type text.
I know I am insecure and have some major trust issues but the only reason I see for her doing this is that she wants to find someone else. I am working on my issues I know I shouldn't be insecure I have a lot to offer but it is hard right now. I still feel like her head is in the same place as before so I am going to wait till she sends me this letter she said she had before I go and contact her. I mean am I missing something here is there something you guys see that I don't and that is why you guys don't think its totally over?

I can only go by what you write, the more details the better. By the way are you in the same city and what makes you think there is someone else?

I have put all the details out there, no we are 4 hours apart but I was driving through her town the other day on the way back home from vacation so that is when I dropped off that stuff. I don't know why I think there is someone else but she says she left because she was unhappy and that I didn't tell her how I felt about her for the past 6months. So I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted and why wouldn't she go out and find that attention from someone else. I don't think she is jumping into bed with them she isn't like that it took me a good 4 months to even get her to go on an official date. Her parents have gone through a lot they split up after 30 years of marriage so it really takes a lot for her to open up and trust someone. She always says she can't imagine opening up and trusting anyone else the way she trusts me. She has said in past emails that she is single during this but isn't looking for someone else but then a few times on the phone during the first few days she said "I would regret not dating other people during this I need to figure out what people I work well with and what people I don't and find out if we really are right" so there is mixed signals coming all over the place.

Ok I just realized that I had purchased tickets to her favorite theater show the last weekend in July before all of this I was going to drive down and surprise her. I don't know what I should do at this point do I ask her if she wants to join me or do I not even bring it up? I don't want this to look like an effort by me to invade her space but I have had these tickets for almost a year now.

Don't do anything until you read the letter, and see what's on her mind. I know nerve racking, but take the opportunity to stay busy with what you enjoyed before you got with her. Long Distance relationships are hard on the most mature, and experienced couples, so its important that you fill your time wisely. Her signals are mixed, so wait for her letter.

I don't get it why she is sending this letter... is this the way she is going to tell me it is all over with? She talks about the letter in the voicemail she left me last week "I have wrote you a little letter over the past few weeks explaining why I need this because I am not good on the phone". I feel like she just doesn't have the courage to just end it over the phone and this letter is going to do that.

Get busy till it comes, don't trip!

Should I ask her what I should expect from this letter?

No

Flyguy... I know how this anxiety feels... I know it comes and goes... You need to not contact her and you know it. You mentioned it yourself... So why would you let it overwhelm you? It seems to me that you would like to remind her of these tickets before you get the letter because you are afraid you will get dumped in that letter. Reminding her of a nice thing you did for her will not at all work. So just wait for that letter. I bought airline tickets for my ex to go to P.R. with me next week a few months ago... Did that stop her? Guess who's coming now... My brother! But I love my brother a lot and his company would be better than anybody else's... I'm pretty sure he is doing it because he feels bad. He is turning 21 and I am 22 and we get along more than great. I am sure he will have fun though... So I learned first hand... Just let it go, believe me, I experienced it. You can try everything but actually, trying nothing always works more... Showing her you have tickets and telling her you want her to join you, proves to her that you are NOT a man and that you accept this treatment... Don't you want to send her the message that you don't take this treatment? Send her the message that this is not okay by doing nothing and she will get the hint soon enough. I'm not saying she will return that way, but it is by all means the only message you NEED to give her at this point... Or else say good bye... Believe me... If she doesn't appreciate you by this time for all you have done, then she doesn't deserve you period!

I want to do whatever it takes to get her back... period!! That is all I want I don't know what to expect from this letter maybe I am just being to negative all she has given me in the past is reassurance she will come back when she is ready I don't know why I can't just relax and trust her she has never lied before.

Flyguy What you are doingis WRONG!!

You must believe one thing if you truly want this girl bak in your life. DO NOTHING AT ALL!!

Giving her things taking her places is showing her that you are heppy with the treatment you are receiving!! Are you SERIOUS!!

Imagine you dumped her and said I want a break se wold probably never talk to you again...

Listen mate she dumped you weather it's a break or not at the moment she doesn't want to be with you or she would be you must realise this!! You CANNOT win her back by trying to shower her with gifts and affections you are saying your fine with being treated like a dog!! CAuse that's what she is doing look how she is disrespecting you. Yourve been with her for a long time and she wants to do this to her yourve been there for her when she neeed you.. Ill telll you now don't listen to thatrubbish about not telling yher how much you loved her the last 6 months that's got ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with this, that is just an excuse I guarantee that!!

You have come here for advise and if you truly want her back stop talkingto her stop everything and refuse to be treated in this dog on leash way!! Get your balls together and show her you're a man and if ses not ready then your gone!!

Women love a guy in control and at the moment yourve gotnone. Who in there right mind would hang around and listen to there girlfriend wo the have treated so well talk about not knowingif you're the oine and wanting to maybe date others to know. This means Im not that into you but if I don't find anyone I really want then I suppose you will do ad I feel safer with you around!!

Im sorry to say dude but if youcotinue doing whatyou are doing she will adventually meet someone else and place her emotion on the,m and thiis what you will hear!!

" I really love you but just dont feel you are the one i want to spend my life with, your a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you"!! That's what you will hear unless you get your stuff together and ignore her!! Shessitting on the ede at the moment and if you want to rock her your way let her MISS you and Feell the VOID. Let her know what it is to not have you in her life this means no contact at ALL.. o alls idf she calls don't answer tell a couple of days later what did she want. Youmust take a cance if you wish to SUCCEED. You must push her away to get er to come to you..

What you are doing at the moment is not what will work you will wait until you aveused up all your chancesthen you will try my adice on pushingher away. You don't need to say anything topush her awa just don't be available and definitely do NOT contact her and she will start to wonder ow your life is going and she will call with any old excuse!! Don't ANSWER Don't ANSWER let her emotions grow she will be back she will wnt to be part of your life.

Its your choice though I know you will probably continue with your way as I have told you before to cut all this out and your still talking! As soon as she realises your moving on she will want you back. At the moment she believes she can play these games and you're the loser who is hanging around on the back foot gettingtreatedlike this dirt ball! You don't deservethat mate.Relationships don't work when the woman wants a break and the guy chases because there will be anither guy who isn't chasing and she will go for him. Don't let this happento you. Give yourself every hope and stop talking to her from now... DO IT IFYOU WANT HER BACK. I think you're a good chance make her miss you from her life.

I haven't been contacting her the last thing I did was 5 days ago and that was the package I sent off to her. Otherwise I have been staying no contact I am trying to balance the no contact and trying to keep her interested. I haven't gone out and contacted her in almost a week the ball is all in her court so at what point do I give up and realize she isn't coming back.

She is coming back you wait it out mate she is wondering what you are doing right now the longer you leave it the more intrested she will become. She is going to nde you must wait at least 2 weeks. She will contact you SHE WILL!! Stay strong they always want what they haven't got she will feel the void. This is especially important if she has noi one else she will feel the void you have left... if she has someone else yopu don't want her anyway

If you break down and contact her you will be back to square one. She will no she has you... stick with it and if sh calls definitely don't answer you have alife your not sitting by the phone... Your moving on...

I don't think there is someone else it took her so long to trust me and I can't see her running right away to someone else... I really feel like she just needs her space she has told me over and over again there isn't anyone else and she can't picture herself even dating. So if I don't hear from her in the next two weeks I should look at it as over and that there probably was someone else?

Relax flyguy, your thinking way too much. Take it one day at a time and enjoy yourself. You'll get the letter and then you can act accordingly. Instead of worrying about... what if... focus on solving your own issues,
Fear
Insecurity
Impatience
Inexperience
Whatever the letter says you have to accept and deal with it.

So went down to check my mail yesterday thinking the letter from her is going to be in the mailbox... stuck my key in the box to open it when to turn the key and snap the key breaks off in the lock!! Life is such a funny thing sometimes I guess it looks like I am going to have to wait till Monday when I can get someone to fix my mailbox.

Here is the full voicemail that she left me last Monday I still listen to it once a day gives me hope let me know what you think. "Hey thanks for that email it means so much to me to hear you finally say the way you really feel about me I always wanted to hear that from you I just didn't know that it would take this to get the feelings out of you. You know I love you I just don't love you in the way for us to be together and I think that I can love you like that again I just need my time. I need to know that you are who I think you are and the way I think I am going to realize that is by getting away right now. I love you and I just want to love you in the way that I did before for us to be together."

PS I send the email while we were still talking and not in the no contact stage of things it has been a week since I heard from her.

She doesn't feel the same way. Accept it and get on with your own life. Quit contacting her, she has all the power over u at the momentm time to get you back!

I haven't been contacting her that was the voicemail from a week ao its been a week since we talked and I have not even sent her a text,call, or email since that voicemail.

Good, every contact you have with her will set you back! So don't do it.

Here is the full text of the voicemail she left me a little over a week ago we haven't talked since then. I get hope from this voicemail and maybe I shouldn't be but wanted you all to see it. This is what the voicemail said "Hey thanks for that email it means so much to me to hear you finally say the way you really feel about me I always wanted to hear that from you I just didn't know that it would take this to get the feelings out of you. You know I love you I just don't love you in the way for us to be together and I think that I can love you like that again I just need my time. I need to know that you are who I think you are and the way I think I am going to realize that is by getting away right now. I love you and I just want to love you in the way that I did before for us to be together." I haven't called her back I think I am going to give it another week send her a little note saying hey was just thinking about you hope life is going well type thing. I don't know what the voicemail is saying but it gives me hope that she will come back she has never lied before and if this is her reason for the break then I am feeling even better about it.

She cares about you, after three years It's not surprising. However she is confused about her 'romantic' feelings for you and probably sees you more as a friend now than a 'lover'. She wants time to sort through her feelings and it wouldn't surprise me if she wants to see what else is out there if you catch my drift. She might already have her eye on somebody.

There is no denying your three years together and she knows that, right now though she doesn't know what she wants hence why she wants the break.

So what do you do?

You don't tell her anything! You do not contact her, if she contacts you do not answer, although hard, it will probably get her wanting you more. Box all your memories of her away somewhere you won't see every day. Get down the gym, spend more time with your friends, go to the movies, go to a festival, go traveling, go on holiday, go for a meal with friends and family and ask your relatives about past loves and their experiences. Go out clubbing and have a great time. DO ANYTHING apart from moping around alone at home. Its lonely but your not totally alone!

Don't CONTACT HER Don't ANSWER HER CALLS!! Mate she is spelling it out for you and you still cannot see it... She is saying make me miss you and regain the feelings I had before. This will not be done by telling you how much you loveher. Think of it this way shensaid it has taken this to get your true feelings!! Well reas between the lines backm when she relly wanted you well you didn't say anything like that so why are you sying it now.Dont tell her how much you love her you think this will work no it won't. Why did she love you so much early in the relationship and you said nothing bouthow you feel. She has even sid this and you can't read it. When you said nothing she had feelings for you most females are like this make her feel like she wants you by not beingthere for her...

Have you gotten her letter through the mail yet?

No letter yet I would hope today or tomorrow mail is kind of slow I guess. But don't worry all I have given her the space she wants haven't contacted her at all I am just waiting for her to make the first move then I will give it a few days an contact her. I know she is confused with her feelings I don't think there is anyone else in the picture she swore up and down while we talked about the break that it wasn't like that. I don't know but I am keeping busy going to the gym everyday and so on trying to make myself that better person that she had such strong feelings for during out three years together.

Anything you do should be for you, she isn't there... by choice.

She called me today from a number that was not hers so I picked up thinking it was a work related call. Nope she wanted to talk so I kept it cool and light told her about some great news I got from my airline she talked most of the time about her job and how she is enjoying it. She brought of the relationship and said we will be fine when it is right and she has been learning that she shouldn't have taken the she did from me and next time she will tell me to stop and not let it build up. So I took the chance to tell her what I have been learning the past week I told her that I will be happy with or without her I don't "NEED" her in my life but what I want is to have someone that doesn't need me in her life as well but we both make the choice to say we want to love each other forever we don't need each other but we want to share this love for the rest of our life. She responded with a "wow" I think she was thinking that she wants to be that person for me because it was a very happy wow. She then told me that she wants to date other people to learn how much she really misses our relationship and that it wasn't just comfortable to be with me. This hurt but I didn't let it show I just said that is fine do what you need. Keep in mind this girl took over 6 months to even come on a date with me and I was her first and only serious relationship she also comes from a broken home a home where her parents left each other after 30 years. So I get this feeling that she knows I am the right one she just wants to make sure that I am because she doesn't want to wind up like her parents. She wants to be able to come back to me and say hey I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are right for each other. I have dated way more then she has and that is why I know that this is the girls I want forever. I hope she figures out that what we had was great and there isn't anything out there that can replace it.

With all of that said I know some of you are going to jump on me but I want it to be known that I know for a fact that I don't need her in my life to be happy. Yes there are other fish in the sea and yes maybe I could be wrong about my feelings for her. But because I have these feelings is not going to stop me from living and moving on with my life is she comes back great if she doesn't then I think it will be her loss. But I can't sit and think about this as much as I am I just need to get busy living. Right now I understand why no one would be attracted to me I am no fun and maybe she just misses the old fun flyguy I don't know. But I need to be happy and not having her shouldn't destroy my ability to have fun if I am happy on my own then imagine how happy I would be with her.

Move On... don't Put Your Life On Hold If Its Meant To Be She'll Be Back But Who's To Say You'll Want Her...

I hear you on that one

I think you played it perfect, keep it up! And just get out there with your friends even if it is hard to get the motivation make yourself and you will have fun. It is easy to focus on the negatives but I would say you have two have a good chance, so stay positive and for now move on.

Sorry... I meant to say "you two have a good chance" in my lat post.

Thanks itit yeah I think we do it just needs time... the big man has a plan for us maybe she is in the plan he has for me maybe not but I need to start living and be happy.

Yourve done OK. But come on I hear what you are saying by you will be fine without her but her wanting to date other guys. You should have told her if she needs to date other guys to realise what she wants then you tell her well I'm not interested in a girl like that...

She may come back but I doubt it once she starts dating other guys your out mate. You must make a stance before this occurs. Anyway don't listen to a word she's saying and if she rings again Don't answer she is slowly pulling away here, if a girl mentions she wants to date others she already knows she doesn't want you... I know its easy to tell yourself she needs to date others to figure out if she really wants me!! NOT TRUE... 100% not true if she needs to date others she already knows you are not the one but if she can fall back on you she will. If she calls again and you talk tell her yourve decided if she wishes to date others there is no futuire for the two of you and tellher you want someone who knows what they want and anyone whio wants to date others is not someone you see you spending your life with!!

SAY IT MATE AND SAVE YOURSELF THE HEARTACHE... If you werethinking clearly you would say it! THINk about it your girl wants to date other guys how disrepectful towards you is that yourve been there for her held her and now she wants to try out some other guy!! Get with the program flyguy you should have given her a piece of your mind and said if your thinking of day=ting others yourve got no chancve with me and hung up!!

That's telling her with balls that you don't take this crap...

There's no plan its over. She doesn't want you. End of! Big rejection and ego hit, but hey, next?

But I need to be happy and not having her shouldn't destroy my ability to have fun if I am happy on my own then imagine how happy I would be with her.
Sorry guy, its time to deal with reality right now, and let this one go completely. For all the reasons you've stated and the facy that she is growing and changing, for your own health, you must move on, and not look back. Do not contact her, and don't hold out hope that she will be back. For now I don't think you should take her calls either as if you read the posts of others here, that's when the confusion and chaos starts and the misery and pain. Get healthy, and get over her.

No more contact till she says i want you back!! How simple is that flyguy!! If she messages you saying " WHY ARNTYOU TALKING" don't reply never reply you <ust wait she must say" I WANT YOU BACK" i miss you!!

Can't get any easier than that can it!! Do it!! Never talk again till you here those words...

anyone who wants to date others, is not someone you see you spending your life with!!

I have to agree.

That's a great point chances are she is going to go out date other people and she may or may not find better but I want to be with someone that knows they want me not with someone who wants me as a backup plan. I am not going to call her I have done good with that up to this point it is time to move on she will see what she is missing but hey to bad for her she took this gamble in the first place. Thank you for all of your help I will keep everyone informed on what happens and if she comes crawling back to me once she realizes that I am not going to be put on the backburner.

Exactly Flyguy!

Update - Sorry Long post

I called her yesterday - don't get upset but I needed to tell her that I am not going to take this anymore and she can't treat me like . So I said nicely with no attitude "this is how I am feeling and this break is your choice so I am not here to change your mind on it. But I want to tell you that I will not allow myself to be put on the backburner if you want to go out and date other people fine hope you have fun but I can't keep these feelings I have for you if you want to date others. I want to be with someone that isn't afraid to be with me and doesn't need to "make sure" I am the right one for her. Now if you go out and date other people find out that there isn't any better out there and decide you want me back I don't know if I can live with that. Because in the back of my mind I am going to be thinking was I really your first choice or was I just your backup plan because the person you wanted didn't show up at the right time, didn't want you, or wasn't available during this break. I will be thinking this person could show up at anytime and I would be thrown to the curb just like you are doing to me now." I needed to tell her this and I feel so much better it was a great step in my healing process... So glad I told her.

It is funny because she got really upset almost aggravated started saying how can you say this if you love me and stuff like that. I think it was the first time that she really got the picture that was she is doing will cause me to run away and not sit back and be walked all over. She eventually worked herself into a knot and said "well I can't believe you are saying this if I am the one for you then you will wait" I responded with "the girl that I have known the past two weeks, the girl that wants a break, THAT girl I am NOT in love with. Just remember you asked for this and this is the risk you are going to have to take but know that I may not be there or willing to take you back when you figure your out." She was steamed at this point and said she didn't want to talk to me I said fine Good-Bye!!

Funny thing is not 5 minutes later I get a text from her saying that I am just pushing her away and making her want to find other people. It was an obvious attempt to get me to say "no I don't want you to do that and I am sorry but I will wait for you and you can do whatever you want during this time" so I didn't say anything. I know now that this is going to eat away at her because what she thought would always be there is moving on and is going to be a bigger and better person then she has been the past two weeks.

Thanks to all of you for talking me through this I look forward to sharing my experience with people that come on this site and face the same situation. This is a great site that really helps you talk about your frustrations and start to see things clearly.

You did good... She just said that stuff because she is probably seeing guys already and wants to act like it's your fault. Oh please, with what you told her, she should've came back and realized she's going to lose you, not say that you are pushing her away and making her look for other guys... That's ridiculous. You should never contact her again...

Good work now what she asid was just a ploy, pushing her away what a load of crap it is doing just the opposite but she is trying to regain the power she has over you by saying that and I hope you realise this cause a lot of guys cave in. This is the best way and that bit about you may not be there well you show her that now. This will be eating away at her and you know what she WILL I guarantee she will call in the next five days. You do NOT under any circumstances answer you DO NOT answer the phone let the tension build you have told her your not waiting now it is time to show her you are not waiting for her!!

If you answer you are stupid and will be back to square one don't think for a minute she will call and say I want you back straight away she will test the waters and see where she is at if you do not answer she will have no idea what you are doing she will then probably text you and it will saound something like this " I can't believe you are acting like this i thouught you loved me"... She will definitely try and make you back down. Your best way to handle this ids to not talk at all. Not talking creates no confusion and doesn't leave you wondering what to say and when to say it and my not discussing anythingf it means she has to ignitiate contact if she wants you back. And I will tell you now if she doesn't contact you she doesn't want to be with you I guarantee this. Don't sit there and think if I contact her I may get her back.. NO WAY mate she must contact you and want you back... SIMPLE as that...

Don't call again please you have explained youir situation and your position you now WAIT it out it may take 3 weeks but you must wait it out!! O NOT CALL please and do not answer...

So if she does not contact me in the next two weeks then it is totally over? What if she is just very strong willed and won't cave in no matter how much it is eating away at her?

So if she does not contact me in the next two weeks then it is totaly over? What if she is just very strong willed and won't cave in no matter how much it is eating away at her?
According to recent events it is over and its up to you to make a decision based on facts and not feelings. When a female wants a break, its over and I'm out. That simple. Sorry but anything that's not a sincere effort to rekindle the spark is irrelevant BS leading to drama, and confusion that only wastes time and gives false hope. Just my opinion. Take a stand in your best interest. Why is she entitled to control the relationship??

Found out she has been hanging out with this guy from work for the past three weeks... you guys were right. So I went out have been having a great time even found a new interest one night out at the bars. We will see where is goes she knows my story and knows that I am a wounded soul right now. I think the ex got wind of it though because I got a text from her asking for me not to give up on our relationship she just doesn't want to miss an oppurtunity that might be out there. I hope it eats away at her what she is doing and I think she finally is starting to see that she has lost me. What other oppurtunity is going to come along in the future?? How could I be with someone like that.

Exactly, If she comes back don't give in. Heal and hopefully this new girl will be the one.

As I have told others in the same boat, if you can just have fun without expectations, and deal with your feelings maturely, you will get over those exes, just by accepting they are gone and letting go. All of us on this thread have freaked out because an ex gives us false hope and keeps us confused, while they explore and party their butts off. Of course we don't see that through all our emotions, but realise that it ain't that much love in the world to have me waiting for a bus that ain't coming. Life is to short to be stuck on stupid isn't it? Heal, get healthy, and find your own happiness. Is it a party going on?? Start one.

Reply with. Please stop contacting me its OVER. I don't want to be with someone like you now who treats peoplelike you. Show her yournot there she thinks you are. DO IT NOW>>>

I told her do what you need I can't keep holding on to you when you are gone you are the one walking away from a good thing. I am moving on finding someone that wants to be with me and isn't afraid of it. Have fun with the new person but I won't be waiting for you when he screws you over.

Nice... I think your well on your way know.

Nothing else I can do whatever happens happens this new girl came out of the blue this past week and really opened my eyes to other fish in the sea. I think its pretty sweet that she understands what I am going through but is willing to take it slow and just have fun for now.

Amazing the things we see when our eyes are open, Have fun and make double sure she does too.

The way I see it, she told you exactly how she felt---and when she said it, she meant it. I think you guys need to have a talk, though, on the phone, email, or whatever because you can't contact her directly. You need to ask her if its OK that you move on, because you should. It's selfish of her to hold you just in case she might come back. The girl has to come on down to earth and get real, if she wants to be away from you, then you don't need to waste your daytime minutes on her. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to show you the reality of this situation. Obviously this girl needs some time to get it together, but that doesn't mean you need to slug around all day thinking about her. If she was a good friend, she would understand. You guys might have to officially break up, but I'm not sure. Hope everything goes OK :)

Now that's not right if she needs space like that then she's very very confused. I was in the same situation and I thought I needed space to but if you need space in a relationship then you don't need to be in a relationship at all hands down. If someone told me they needed space I would be like bye see you later. Because she should know if you're the one for her long distance or not. She should know if she's found herself, cause if you're the one for her then she will never think that way to ever need space from you.

I would like to add my story to this discussion as it is very similar yet a bit different. Well, I have dated this girl from my high school since 11th grade she had just turned 16 and I was 17. She broke up with me just a week ago after 3 and a half years relationship. The last two years we lived a 2 hour train trip apart, but we often saw each other on weekends and still spent our holidays together. Everything was great and we got to adjust to the change because the love was strong. Being apart actually gave us something to look forward to. Anyway, now we have summer holidays I went back to Germany (my home) for a while. I actually study in the UK. She is still in London where she studies. Only 2 weeks ago she was telling me how much she missed me. One day she brought up the question on marriage and started asking herself if I was the one for her. I got kind of angry and my reaction was wrong. I questioned her why she was having these thoughts, as if she was having second thoughts about being with me. The reason I overreacted is because our relationship was very rough the first two years and it just brought back memories of past events. To be honest I was the one who wanted her most and she wasn't really into me.. I think. Eventually, she said she "learned" to love me and she was happy. Anyway, getting to the point, after all this, she decided to cut the relationship. First she said she was confused and needed time especially as I had been gone for a month she missed me. Then it turned out she didn't want anymore, she wanted to experience the excitement of falling in love from the beginning etc etc. It is really weird, I don't understand, she said she loved me, she always wanted me to be with her and suddently she just turned around and didn't want anymore. She is 19 now and I think in a way she is confused, she is inexperienced and want cheap thrills. The thing is I was one of those guys who did everything for her, from dress, to take her out to the best restaurants, walk her home so she was safe, so many things that your average boyfriend would never do. I was like her father. I guess that was wrong, she said she wanted a boyfriend who is just a boyfriend. She wants an older guy she told me around 25 who is more mature. The thing is though, I had changed too much for her, I did everything she requested and changed my life the way she wanted it. She blamed me for many things at the end which she does herself and things that I did not do anymore for the last 2 years. It like she couldn't see the good in me. I always loved and respected her regardless of her faults and always saw her faults as part of being her and her age and that it could always be worked on. Anyway, cutting to the chase, I still always hope she calls me and asks me back. Its so wrong though to think that I know. I can't stand the feeling of another guy touching her because she was like my baby. It is hard for me to understand how she could be happy with a guy who does and gives less. It is so demoralizing for me after all I've done. Either way, I have to live through this. These few days I realize I am just going to stop calling. I just worry I will never hear from her again. I also told her to not ever contact me and I don't want to be her plan be after she realizes how good I was. I have so much more to say in this thread but it will go on forever.

Yeah I think the best thing we can do is just let go of the dumpers no matter how much we sit and try to analyze their every move on this site we never really know what they are truly thinking. The only thing we know at the moment is they do not want to be with us and no matter how much you fight to change that you can't and why would you want to guilt them into changing their feelings. The best way is for them to change their own feelings who knows what will happen she may find someone else who cares or she may realize that we had a good thing but the dumpers will always have to live with the risk they decided to take. Yes there will always be a spot in my heart for my dumper but I was ready to fix our relationship and she didn't want that so who knows down the road I might not be ready to give her a second chance if she comes crawling back. My dumper has said over and over again that she feels like she is making the worst decision in her life by letting me go and in the last conversation we had when she said that I told her well I hope that feeling never goes away because you are making the worst decision of your life. She got upset and she said "well I can't picture it ever going away" trying to give me a string of hope. That is when I told her well this relationship is over in my eyes I am moving forward with my life and right now you are not a part of my life and in the future I may want to keep it that way.

Flyguy, at least your girlfriend bothered to talk to you after and told you her feelings and at least showed some feelings. With my case, my girl didn't want me to call her or anything. I asked her, "how can you be so emotionless" she replies she was acting and it was for our best that she didn't cry. When I did hug her and say goodbye she started to tear but then again 4 years with good memories, regardless if you love the person or not anymore or if you are plain confused, is something not easy to not cry about. The really horrible thing right now is that I look at my phone everyday waiting for her to call, and after I wrote her a nasty email saying how mean she was and that I never want her to call or email ever or even dare say she wants me back, I am starting to think that was bad idea. I know I am wrong in my actions having hopes, then again, I have focused my entire time with her and now on just the good memories which were more than the bad memories which I just see as normal relationship problems. I don't know what to say, this experience for me has been and still is a horrible nightmare as I am one week into the breakup. My girl was my baby, Im so worried about her safety and health, I don't know I'm freaking out. But I know I can't I know I have to move on and think straight. But boy is it hard as hell. I sometimes wish to wake up and this all be a bad nightmare.

gmspitali, I know exactly what you're saying. Same thing happened to me after 4 years. It's been 4 months since the break up. But only 3 weeks since I last tried to get her back and was shot down again with that "emotionless" rejection. I keep looking at my phone too and hoping, hoping that maybe in time she will call, but the odds of that are next to nothing. It sucks and I'm still waiting for it to get better. Hang in their and don't do anything else that's harmful and won't make a difference (like the nasty email). You're doing it because you're frustrated and want to evoke an emotional response, but it's not going to help your situation or make her feel different. Wait it out. For how long I still don't know, but for now it;'s the only thing you can do in that situation

Ye seems that way. It is so weird, never in my life expected this to happen. Its one crazy experience for not only me but many people here. It is one of those things in life where you just look at and think wow I never knew things could be so bad and feel so bad. Your perspective on life changes and you start to see things about yourself and others in different ways. In a way it feels like I am going through an important stage in life, it is part of my maturity, it is a mechanism that god has created to protect me from similar future events. I see it as a disease which you get once and your body becomes more immune to it next time. Like chicken px in a way. As I said it is just really weird and sometimes I look at myself from the outside and observe my behaviour and just find it so interesting. Its all a bit dreamy, not real and overall just plain messy. Anyway, Im just going to hold off contact, if I really meant anything to her she will make an effort to call, then again as I said many times because of her personality, if she did want to call she probably wouldn't just to keep her dignity.

Don't do anything for her... do everything for YOU. You are right on when you say it is a mechanism that god has created but you must learn from it he is trying to teach us all something. We don't know what the future will hold but the one thing we know is that if we believe in him and trust in his plan he will bring us great things maybe not on this earth but defiantly in the afterlife. My religion has come back to me because of this and I am so thankful for this I still hurt inside each day because I did loose someone I love but I have gained so much by coming back to my faith.

Everyone gains something from these experiences but you won't learn anything if you are not willing to listen and open up your mind. By dwelling on the "what if" and the "why" we cloud our thoughts and are not giving ourselves the time we deserve to learn from this. In the big picture having a loved one leave you may seem like a major blow now but we will look back and say I am better off because of that I learned so much about myself.

Not pushing anyone out there but if you are people of faith I encourage you to read the book of Job it has helped me. Job went through way more then I have in my life but he never doubted and the Lord blessed him for that. There is a lot to learn in this book and this is something that has helped me each day.

I don't get it she called me tonight it has been over a month since the "break" she wanted to tell me again that she kissed this same guy but that that she was only attracted to his personality and even that they didn't click like her and I did but she thinks it is because she has not let herself look at him like this. I don't know what she is trying to do her I want to get over her so that I can get over this pain inside but I keep getting these voicemails, calls, and texts form her. As soon as I tell her I don't want to be with someone like this I get the text "don't give up on us".

Tell her I've given up. Stop contacting me its too late... Simple

To be honest I'm in a relationship where we are having some time apart but it is him that wants it and to be honest although I love him I think if he did the same thing to me that your girlfriend has done to you then I would have to say that he has lost his chance with me as I wouldn't be able to trust him any longer and a relationship without trust isn't a relationship. If she really loves you she wouldn't have done that to you in the first place.

I think you should ask her to stop texting and calling and you should delete her number and start fresh, your only 23 and there are definitely better women out there for you.

As soon as I tell her I don't want to be with someone like this I get the text "don't give up on us".
When you ended the game she realised that she made a mistake and now wants to correct it, which you will see just leads to more games of desperation. Stay on your path, and it may seem rude to ignore her, eventually she will accept that its over, and YOU have moved on.

Part of me still doesn't want to move on but I don't want to give into her game and give her back the control of the relationship. I think I have to keep ignoring her and move on with my life until I hear the words "I made a mistake I want to try again" and at that point I need to look at where I am at in my life and make the call if it is worth it.

One thing that I have found just amazing in the experience is how much you think you know someone and then BOOM complete 100% change. I am trying to figure out how to overcome this in the next relationship I am in. Yes we never know what is going to happen but I have no urge to have this happen again I would at least like to see it coming maybe I was blind I don't know. How do you keep them so interested in you and your relationship? How do people that have been together for 50 years keep the spark going? What is it that I can do to make a girl never want to run from the relationship? Just some questions that I have been thinking about thought I would throw them out there.

I've been married 33 years and conclude it take s a lot of hard work, and a lot of LUCK!

Ok I need help you all can look at what has happened with my ex on my past post. Yesterday I removed her from my friend list on Facebook because I found myself looking at her profile too much and it was setting me back on the road to recovery. I just got a text from her today saying "can't be my friend on facebook?" What should I do or say or even respond? Is this going to drive her nuts and push her farther away I would like her back but I don't want to play games anymore?

You should leave it alone. She is the one playing games not you. You are trying to heal by going no contact. If you write back its just going to turn into something that will cause you to backslide.

Have you read Ash's survival guide? Here is the link
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

He's got great advice and it should really help.

Stay strong!! We have all been there and I know how hard it can be.

I would go on as planned, don't email her back or anything. Don't worry if that pushes her away because it's not about her it's about you trying to heal. If she keeps e-mailing then tell her no we are no longer together I don't want to be friends.

Yesterday I removed her from my friend list on Facebook because I found myself looking at her profile to much and it was setting me back on the road to recovery.
Just tell her this same thing. Make her realize that you're on the road to recovery and that you cannot continue to communicate with her in any way or form, whether it be one-way or two-way.

Umm I haven't said anything but just got another text from her saying "Is this you cutting me out completly? If thats the case please let me know. I didn't think you never wanted to talk again"

Did you read the survival guide?? Click on that link mister! It will let you know all you need to know. Ash did an awesome job.

Yeah I am reading it right now

She's playing head games with you. My ex did this before. She said can we be friends I said NO. She got really upset then I said OK. But I told her give me time to get over you. She said how long I said at least a year. She didn't like those words either we said goodbye to each other then a couple days later she came over and said she made a mistake and wanted me back.

So I should just let her stir on this for sometime? Silence is golden! I think she is starting to realize I won't be put on a backburner and it is scared the piss out of her.

Knowing what I know now with my ex yes. I told my ex on our first breakup to leave me alone and don't call. Not to be mean but as much as I hurt I couldn't just be friends with her. As much as I wanted to beg for her back I couldn't. I kept telling myself why would I beg for someone back if they don't want you to begin with. IF she wants you back let her beg. And I do believe you scared her. If you tell her to leave you alone I bet you'll scare her even more. But it's still not about her it's about you healing.

Well if I tell her to leave me alone and scare her how does that not drive her even farther away? I have made so much progress in the past months my therapist relased me today and said I have fixed the problems of my past and she thought I was ready to go. Yes I want her back but I want her to beg for me back but at the same time I am having a blast in the single world right now and don't want to get burnt like this again in the future.

Dude... Trust me.

She doesn't know if it's day or night right now...
FlyGuy is putting the pants back on and it's making her queasy.

People ALWAYS feel if they stand their ground they are being "mean" if they hold their ground. They are not.
And don't be - if you ever get together she'll remember that... but Nc is not mean.as long as it was explained up front what you are doing..

Her issues: Trust and space
Your issue: Making her feel those and keeping sane.
SO: She has her space... As for trust: make it clear WHat you are doing: taking your time.
After that - enough said.

You can contact her (politely) when you feel the time is right. Not now

PS - do you really want her?? Be sure.

Yes I do want her back I made a lot of mistakes and so did she but I really want to work together for a better relationship. There were so many good times and it was the best 3 years of my life.

What would you rather do let her keep contacting you and let her keep you thinking of her. Regardless if she want you back she will come back. And if you think your pushing her away your not. Actually you might push her back into your arms again. But I agree with ash DO you really want her back. Sounds like you don't so if that's the case who cares if you push her away.

Don't bother replying. Delete her, delete everything to do with her. Recode your memories as such and learn to let go. That will be a powerful lesson for future relationships/friendships. Better to learn young and now than in the future.

Its hard to stick with NC but do it and you'll feel much better. IGNORE IT !

It sounds like what you really want is her begging on her knees to take her back. Dude, that's NOT healthy. Why would you want someone to degrade themselves. I think the only reason you want her back is to get the satisfaction of knowing that she can't live without you.

What you really want is an ego boost not a relationship.

I can tell you from the girls side of things she is freaking out because you aren't jumping every time she says so. She is losing power and control and you are thinking that by picking it up as she loses it that there is going to be a balance. It sounds like both of you are fighting for control. No one wins in that kind of situation. So you should take Jiser's advice and run far away.

No its not that I want her to come back begging I have been the one begging trying to get her to give me a second chance. The last two weeks I have not contacted her trying to heal myself from the pain I don't want her to degrade herself I just want to help heal the hurt she has and rebuild the trust that we had for each other. But with this no contact thing I can't say anything to her until she tells me she wants to give it another try. I don't want to be put on the backburner its not fair and its not healthy that is why I have started to move on. I think she is now seeing what she has done she put me on a string thinking that I wouldn't go anywhere and once she had her fun she could come back to me. At the first two weeks of this I was jumping at everything she said but since then I have respected her and given her the space she wanted.

It might sounds like I want an ego boost but I don't need that I know that I have been happy with myself the past month and don't need her to make me happy but I want her in my life because she brings so much joy to my life and there was a real connection between us. I just want her to want to be with me fully, I want her to know in her heart that I am what she wants. That is what I think of her I want to be with her but she asked for the break and I had to respect that and try to put the feelings I had for her away.

Flyguy, stay on your path for you. As you heal you will be in a better position to make good decisions, and see things clearly and realistically. Nothing else really matters as it is important for you to be healthy, and then you can know what it is you really want. No hurry. Take the time you need. And remind me again why you two aren't together? Oh that's right SHE dumped YOU! Heal and pay attention, as you will see what you failed to see while your mind was clouded by love and grief

I know she dumped me just don't understand why it seems like she is crawling back now.

You are in the driver's seat.

Rent "swingers" and if time get out of town (the brain thinks differently in new places).

Btw/how old are you all?
What is her job?

Rent "swingers" and if time get out of town (the brain thinks differently in new places).



The incomparable advice of T will pull you through this ;)

We are both 23 she is working for a relocation agency and I am working for Northwest Airlines in the flight operations department.

Swingers... T?
I think I know what you were sayin' G :-)


-----
Anyway FlyGuy, you are both young... and finding yourselves. Let her know that you are finding YOURSELF.

Trust the process of time and healing... And just take your hands off the wheel...

Yeah I have been doing very well with taking my hands of the wheel this was just a bump I didn't think was coming because I have been looking at our relationship as over. I know I have no control she is the one that wanted to break up so I don't think I am going to respond at all I am going to just keep moving forward and live for me.

Honestly, I think you are in a fine position. Move on...

My guess: she will circle back... especially if you are her first, IF you were cordial and made it clear why you are keeping quiet for now.

Yeah the last time we talked she told me that there is no "us" right now and she just wants her space. So I responded with OK there is no "us" so that means I need to move on and in order to do that I can not contact you and then I said you can't contact me like this you can't just call to talk I can't handle that. So she knows why I am doing this just strange she tells me she wants me out of her life then when I start taking her out of mine... freak out!

She loves you dawg' -
Bummer for you. Bummer for her.

She's just trying to make some big decisions... She needs 100% unconditional (and frankly, irrational and impossible) love... She wants you to love her whether she's gone or not and to have her cake and eat it too. She's not being mean, just awakening to the realities of life. Bummer... You've done all you can do. About the time you are waking up to see some girl's toothbrush in your bathroom - you'll probably get an email.

She loves ya dawg' -
About the time you are waking up to see some girl's toothbrush in your bathroom - you'll probably get an email.

Great point... it is hard to think about right now but seems so true. I can't keep these feelings for her if she isn't going to show me her feelings the longer this goes on the more I put them away into a hidden box in the back of my mind.

So funny story went out on the town last night we old college friends that were in town my ex found out some how that I stayed in town this weekend. So my friends who have not talked to her in months started getting text from her last night asking where we were going to be. One of my friends without me knowing till this morning sent her a text telling her don't even think about coming here you have done enough damage. Didn't run into her the night ended up being a great night just found it funny how when the dumped start standing their ground and stop playing games the dumpers start to regret their decision.

That is funny and you havesome good friends around you. Be aware that her feelings hasn't changed, but she is intent on keeping you confused so you cannot get healthy and get over her. Like throwing a bone to a starving dog. Dog sticks around hoping for more. Don't be her dog.

Yeh you do. Leave it in the past.

Hey everyone its going great everyday is getting better. She has been texting me every few days I have yet to respond and don't know if I ever want to again. I have been keeping so busy and other girls are coming out of every corner kind of fun. This site has been a major help!

That's good! I had a good night last night, one of the best in years actually. Lots of reflecting and getting in touch with myself by myself. It was nice. I listed to songs on YouTube all night. I played you got lucky babe from tom petty over and over. Lol

Ive been NC for 4 days and have not heard from her yet.

I want her to text me but then again I don't. Ive really been thinking about things that she has done over the years and how controlling she was.

Excellent.

Hold on to one thing: focus on what's healthy.
Exercise. Your life. Women that are honest.

Your Ex is on ice....like a beer.
You can get it when you are done with work.

Or never... Stay away for now.

Don't let her go because it sounds like she loves you a lot! And if you let her go you might not find anyone else like her. You should call her.

He has to go. He already knows he loves her. But he can't be putting himself on hold for her, she left. Will a new girl bring her back? Good chance, but she wanted the space not him

There is no point in trying to get her back now, she wants to go do her own thing and that is fine. Why love someone when they don't return your love yeah it sounds like she loves me but actions speak louder then words and her actions are showing me that she has no clue what she wants. So I am living each day and having a blast doing there are new girls coming out of the blue and it is so much fun also I think there is something developing with one of my really good friends. She has started to be way more flirtatious with me ever since the breakup so life is great no point in setting myself back... she lost me!

Dude, you took the advice and made it happen.

If only everyone could focus like you have - and use the advice given...

Nice work.

Got a text from the Ex last night saying "I just want you to know that I still think about the good things and I miss them so much they make me cry when I go to sleep don't call I just wanted you to know that"... I didn't call and then 15 minutes later got another text saying I need some more time but if we are meant to be together we will be. Funny thing is I was out with that really good friend I talked about last post so I was in no mood to deal with it. I let it go for the night and sent her a text back this morning saying "yeah all that line means is I don't want to be with you I don't think you are what I want and I think there is better out there but I want to give you a little hope and not be mean in case I can't find anyone better...I don't need this I have another great opportunity on my doorstep this was you call live with it....I am" I know it was harsh but I can't do it anymore I will not have her try to put me on the back burner.

Mate you are still trying to justify to her whayt her messages are. STOP doing this why are you even replying like that Your reply should have just said. "DONT WORRY ABOUT IT" or Even better why are you still respondn g to this absoulute crap which she throws at you GO SILEN do not take any more of this she is feeing off any small responses and by repling in your way I can read exacly what your saying,

I hobestly believe if she said she wants to start fresh you would II CAN TELL THIS FROM YOUR Response TO HER Message. You know why cause you tell her that yo have and opportunity at your doorstep and even if this isright youwould not be tellingher this you would just be sayingo yourself id rather this new one sowhy am I even thinking of ex cause that's what will happen. When you don't ant her then you reallly won't reply..

So cut it now next time you get a message check it then delete and sauy to yourself she still wants me she keeps messaging me... if she really wants you back start totally ignoring her and you will get your answer veryquickly...

Careful, you broke NC.

But I know you felt you had to... Hope you got closure... My guess is she'll contact you back... And will leave you annoyed... But ride it out.

I needed the closure in order to move on... it's over for us just wanted her to know that.

There will be no closeurte while you are in contact. You are thinking if I tell her its totally over maybe she will think and come back... No need to think like this, You may be telling yourself it is over but deep down you are holding onto some hope. That is fine just go complete NC and do not respond to any messages. NIL none at all...

That will show her you are gone.. If my some chance she decides to send you a message she would like to try again this is where you call the shots until then Say absolutely nothing...

Do not respond to any texts iot has got you know where so far and all it is doing is letting her know your still there for her...

You did the right thing in stating your position, and it shows growth that your not left confused, and questioning yourself. You've come a long way in a short time. Congrats are in order.

You did the right thing in stating your position, and it shows growth that your not left confused, and questioning yourself. You've come a long way in a short time. Congrats are in order.


Tal I don't really think he stated hisposition he just told her a line in the hope that she will believe it and may come back. Fly guy is trying an still wants her back, she is tryingto give him hope and if he really wants to state his position he would just not answer at all the will let her know exactly what his position is now...

Sorry I don't see that in any of his recent posts. At this point, he doesn't have to stay with no contact, as he is emotonally capable to tell her how he feels and move on, and the biggest clue is the lack of confusion on his part after the contact. He is on a very good path.

I know exactly what she is trying to do with her little texts all she wants is to string me along but I am not going to be a fool anymore. I know I broke no contact but no contact is used to clear your mind from that person and help you move on and I can say that I have moved on that is why I broke no contact. I know what she is trying to do and that's fine but I have no hope for us and don't want any. I have hope in the future that someone even better then her is out there and I am having a blast everyday without her.

There is a new interest in my life and I am seeing where that will go kind of a hard spot because the new interest is on of my close friends but she seems to be looking for more then that with me. Don't think I am ready for that yet and she knows but the game is a blast!

It's OK to break NC if it's for a specific reason - like closure...