Sitting around thinking isn't helping me much so I bring my story and ask for any advice possible. Maybe I'm looing at all this the wrong way.

So me and my girlfriend were together for 4 years. I'm 30 and she is 24. We were friends for the first 1 year which was a little more than friends, some kissing and no sex. The next 3 years we were together. We had small disagreements from time to time. I had some jealousy issues throughout all this because of the nasty cheaters I dated in the past. It was very difficult for me to control. And at times she even started acting jealous about all sorts of things like I was. She understood and brushed it off when I acted in this way but I do know it bothered her. We had broken up like 2 times before but that only lasted about 2 days. For the last year we lived together and things went better than I thought. I was her first serious boyfriend she had ever had and she was like my 12th girlfriend or something. So I had something to compare her too and this was the girl for me, I just knew it. But as time went on of us living together I started to slack off and didn't cuddle with her like we used to. I had kind of quit doing all the cute things I had done before, I think I took her for granted. She even mentioned a few times that she was unhappy and didn't think we should live together before marriage. I wasn't taking her very serious when she complained. We even had a few fights before the breakup where I broke a few things and I think it really turned her off.

So she went on a 1 week trip for school and I had noticed she wasn't acting like she used to. She wasn't worried about what I did anymore and who I hung out with. It was almost like she never asked how work was and what I did. She used to have a touch of jealousy but it wasn't showing anymore. She returned from the trip and I started to go back to the real me and was treating her how she deserved to be treated. She even started to think I cheated on her because of how much I had changed, I guess I was being too good to her. So this went on for another 3 weeks. I saw her everyday and knew she wasn't doing anything behind my back. I just couldn't take it anymore. I eventually told her I hate this relationship and that I'm sick of trying and she wasn't doing anything. The next day she came to me and said we need a break. She said she needed to be alone and see if that fixes our relationship. I didn't agree with this but I couldnt' force her. Before the break she said she didn't know what she should do and I told her the break wasn't a good idea but to do whatever she wants. So she took the break which was supposed to be two weeks. I was preparing myself for the break up, I'm a pesimist at heart. Now was the time to shed all my tears in secrecy. I kept tabs on what she was doing without contacting her and she was actually taking time to herself. I had confirmation she wasn't talking to or seeing anyone else but I had to dig deep to find this out because I was worried she was seeing someone else but in reality she wasn't. So this break was really for her to see if she missed me. Kind of stupid because her school trip should have been confirmation enough.

About 9 days into the break she said we needed to talk. This is when she came and told me she wanted to break up with tears in her eyes. She really didn't want to do this but I actually didn't shed any tears because I prepared myself for this during the break. I was being careful to act in the proper way because I didn't want her to think I was some kind of wimp. Who would want to come back to a wimp? I told her it wasn't a horrible idea but she can do whatever her heart feels. This is when she said she actually didn't miss me that much when she went on the trip and it kind of scared her. She said she loves me like no other but is not in love with me. If that makes any sense. She even mentioned some of the things I did wrong such as acting like her dad about managing $ and my trust issues that turned her off. She said she started falling out of love the last time I got mad and broke something. I never in any way laid a hand on her but a few times I broke things. Apologizing and telling her how much I love her wouldn't do any good at this point. I told her that I couldn't be her friend so we will lose contact. I asked if there were any other reasons and she said she was depressed for some reason. Tears came to her eyes when I asked why she was depressed. She said her new internship sucks and doesn't know what her future will be. She even asked me before If I would move if she found a new job in another city. I told her probably not at the time and she mentioned this as one of many factors in her break up decision.

We met up again the next day because she said there was more she had to tell me. We went out to eat and she said that who knows maybe we would get back together in like 6 months or something. I don't think she said this to keep me waiting but why would she say this. She said she didn't want me to wait around and that she needs to figure out what she is going to do with her future. She kept shifting stories to different places she was going to move and she sounded extremely confused. She even said she hates everyone here and she justs wants to get away. She said she is depressed about her job and evertime I asked her why she didn't tell me this before she would cry. Just saying the word depressed would bring tears to her eyes. And to top it off she said she didn't have the same feelings as she used to towards me. So I guess this has been on her mind for a little longer than I thought and she didn't know how to break up with me. For months she was telling me "I love you" many times per day while maybe thinking she wanted to break up. Doesn't make sense. I told her that I wished she changed her mind but she said our breakups before only lasted a day or two but not this time. I wrote her a long letter about how I felt about her all that time and told her all the things I'd do to make things like they were before, or how I would change. She thought my latest kindness was just an act and would fade. Kind of a stupid idea on my part but the note did say that if she came and moved her stuff out then I would walk away and never look back. And that I couldn't be friends and allow her to string me along. I told her that I'd see her in the next life when she left, she turned and said you can't say that, you don't know what might happen. She got home that night and read the letter. Her text message said thank you for the letter it was very nice however she still needed time to herself, thanks for the gesture. This is when I began no contact for 5 days to give her more space. She came and moved her stuff out and asked if I not be there because it would be too hard on her and she didn't want me to see her crying. Her and her girlfriend moved out her clothes. I ignored all her messages and just kept the door open for her. My neighbor told me that her and a girl moved stuff out. I didn't think I should have been there either. And it wasn't a huge move because it was basically clothes, that is all she had, took them an hour.

So 5 days went by and she tried to text me about something insignificant but she admitted that she knew she wasn't supposed to talk to me. So the next day I decided to see how the 5 days of no contact have changed things. I called her and asked her to go out to eat and she agreed. I was very surprised because I didn't think she would want to go. She even called me back shortly after and asked me if it was OK because she didn't want to hurt me and give me the wrong idea. And I said it is not a date, I just wanted to take her out to eat and put a smile on her face becaue she was depressed. This was my opportunity to act like I was happy by myself and I never asked her to get back together. I didn't want her to think I was some sad depressed wimp. We ate and talked about normal things. She is way too busy with the internship during the day she hates and night job. I avoided talking about the relationship but she brought up a few things. I simply agreed with her. There is no winning that war. We hugged and she was on her way. I think it was hard for her to see me. I know it was hard for me

Well now 7 days have went by since the dinner and neither of us have contacted each other. I don't even think I would answer if she did call. I guess she knows she can't contact me because I told her I can't be friends and that wouldn't be fair if I met someone new, yeah right I won't be dating anytime soon. I feel as if I'm waiting on her to contact me and say she misses me and she made a bad decision. I just don't know. What I do know is that no contact for a significant time could make her miss me and make her forget about the small bad things in our relationship. It is making it very hard for me to move on but why would I contact her when she broke my heart and broke up with me. I can't go out and meet a new girl because I miss this girl and she was the best thing I had ever had. It has only been about 2 weeks now since the breakup and 7 days of no contact. Moving on sucks because I feel as if she might change her mind. But she is a very stubborn person and she might be too stubborn to tell me she made a mistake. Plus she even left a few things which she will have to come and get someday.

Advice anyone? I'm lost

I eventually told her I hate this relationship and that i'm sick of trying and she wasn't doing anything.
I think you answered your own question. If you feel this way now you'll probably feel this way when you get married. I would move on.

I mainly said that to let her know I wasn't happy and to get a reaction out of her. I never expected her to want to break up. Everything had been going great for about 4 years but the last month before the break up she wasn't acting like herself, I didn't like the last month of the relationship. I felt as if I caused her to act this way because of how I wasn't the same with her for about 8 months, didn't cuddle etc. I guess this was a sign and I should have not said that but it pushed her to start the break and then the break up. And now this where I'm not sure what to do. Most of my relationships were about 1-2 years and I woudn't have stayed with her for 4 years if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is a really good person.

Anyone have a similar situation? Please help me understand if I should just maintain no contact or what I should do, I'm very confused now.

Maintain no contact for 3 months! Leave her alone. She broke up with you and I'm sorry it happened. DO you want to be with someone who doesn't want you the way you want them? She said she isn't in love with you anymore. There is no way you can get that back now. I'm going through something like this except I saw my ex with another guy in a car. We all learn the hard way. I'd say, for your sanity, move on!

Yeah I don't really have anyone to talk to this about so I came to you all for advice. Thanks for reading my story. Sometimes we get so caught up in our story and are unable to step outside and look at it from a different angle . "she isn't in love anymore" Makes sense, there is nothing I can do to change that. I'll do no contact until I feel normal again. I don't have any desire to be friends with her so I guess no contact until my next life.

Thanks all!

Its going to be the worst journey of your life most likely! But at the end you will come out stronger. The key is sticking to no contact! If you do not do this... it will all end in tears. Concentrate on yourself for now and what you want.

Yeah. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it. I couldn't forgive her for that unless she showed up at my house and apologized. Thousands of phone calls won't be enough, I can't accept that.

Another slap in the face is that she gave me a thank you card to give to my parents, brothers and sisters. She wanted to thank them for everything they did and know she cared. My family didn't do anything compared to what I did for her. Where is my thank you card. What a joke!! Just another reason to never pick up that phone.

Hey Sandstorm, I found it hard to read your post because it was so emotionally honest and reminded me in many ways of my own situation, although within only a quarter of your timeframe. In my last conversation with my ex, I got the "I love you but don't know if I'm in love with you" dagger as well. And also, like you, I can relate to having an ex who is likely too stubborn to allow herself to think she made a mistake, let alone admit it. You said it didn't make sense - well, it probably never will, unfortunately. As others like chuff have pointed out, there is never much logic to affairs of the heart. No contact is the only way to go to dampen the emotional pain and confusion that you are no doubt feeling and will feel for some time to come. If she comes back at some point with an unambiguous attempt to reconcile, you can take stock at that point if it's even worth going back, but obviously I wouldn't hold out hope of that scenario even presenting itself. All you can do is nothing. As a testament to the importance of NC while you're trying to get yourself level, let me share that over the long weekend I heard some random chatter about my ex from some drunken friends (not even related to there being someone else in her life) and it hit me hard that night and the next day. But that reinforced why NC is so important, because I imagine that I'm not ready for any direct contact and may never be. I think it is wishful thinking to be friends with someone who abandoned you and didn't think it worth the effort to push forward through the problems that every couple faces while being loyal to you and no one else. Discipline and patience will be key, but just know that things will get better slowly if you stay away.

Yes clarity. I will have to stay gone. Sorry to hear you went through a similar scenario. How long have you been away from this person and how long has the no contact been lasting. I think my strategy is to just never talk again. I don't want to sit here and count days anymore.

You are very correct. Friends don't leave friends. I cannot and will not be her friend.

[QUOTE=Sandstorm99]I will have to stay gone.QUOTE]

This may sound a bit far-fetched, but I think psychologically you've put it really well in saying you have to "stay gone." Maybe this board should start the SG rule. The problem with saying to yourself "no contact, no contact, no contact" is I think it subtly encourages you to count the days, weeks, months, towards something "happening." While the idea of staying gone is easier to manage in your head. I've been watching a really good show called The Wire, and one of the characters in it philosophized that "Life is what happens while you're waiting for moments that never come." I'm sure that everyone here for quite a while has frequent to occasional fantasies of getting back together with their ex and love blossoming once again, which is one of the more common moments that never come, especially when you consider that almost all of the brief reconciliations you hear about end up failing, because the mutual trust which is so the core of every relationship has been irreparably shattered in most cases. But I guess the message I got out of that is to acknowledge that you'll fantasize about that moment coming, but accept that it almost certainly never will and you'll realize you're better off for it at some point, and then fill the "life" part with things that take the focus off waiting for those highly unlikely moments. I hope those thoughts make some sense.

As for my own situation, haven't seen her in almost 2.5 months, haven't spoken in 2 months, and a few non-helpful emails/notes back and forth since then. You can read my post if you go to my profile.

My situation was a lot like yours. I think the majority of the problem rests on her shoulders. She is going through a ruff patch. She hates her job... she doesn't like where she lives... she is working her butt off. She is depressed.

What I'm trying to say is that just like in my situation... you where the first thing to go because she couldn't deal with you and all her own problems at the same time.

I don't know what advice to give you really. No contact is good. But in my situation, we stayed friends and she has become a happy person after working through her problems. She has asked me to move in with her and be together again after a year. Like your ex... my ex didn't like her job or where we lived. She was depressed. But she knew that she had to take care of her first. I wish that should could have done it with my help but maybe it was something she had to do on her own.

Maybe this will help... maybe not..

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-wants-space-but-tells-me-not-give-up-her-93599.html

Hi Sandstorm,

You sound like you're on the right track and have experience under your belt but it is a tough road nonetheless. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of April this year. We too had been dating for 4 years (I’m 27, she is 32). Our relationship kind of followed the same progression as yours sounds... fights and lack of adequate make-ups over the weeks leading up to the break up. Not to mention she was having her issues as well…not sure where she wanted to go in life with work and she just started her Masters Degree, so we had less time. Anyway, another similar pattern to yours is that we too broke up twice in the past, but then soon got back together. This time I knew it was different though. Well, I respected her wishes and I followed the no contact rule for 2 months playing it cool, and she never contacted me neither. Well, my b-day was in the beginning of June so I decided to inviter her and she came. She stayed with me all night, had her arm around me and even started crying out of the blue (weather she was sad we were apart or missed me, or sad it was the end... I don’t know). But that night I tried to get her back (too bad for me I was drunk... although she was too). I even asked her to marry me but she wouldn't budge. She became a brick wall and rejected my advances over and over….she wouldn’t even kiss me. Over the next 6 weeks, I called her a few times, sent her flowers on her b-day, nice little text messages... we even went out to dinner and had fun, but that was the end of it. Just 2 weeks ago I brought up the relationship again and she said no. She's happy where she is now in life, doing things on her own, becoming a stronger independent woman, and finding her path in life. I tried and tried the last 2 weeks to get her back. Like a sad puppy I would call her and beg for her to come back, but none of it worked. It killed me to see how far she'd moved on the last 3 months. The emotional attachment has faded much. I know she still cares for me and loves me, as I’m sure your ex girlfriend does, but of course that doesn't count for much when you're not together and you’re still “in-love” with her. I don't know.. . I guess what I’m trying to say is that No Contact is the only way to go, even though it's painful. She left you and the only way she's going to come back is on her own. Either that or she will convince herself that she made the right choice or meet someone else, etc. Either way, you have no control and the only thing you can do now is to take care of yourself and make yourself stronger... I'm sure that's what she's doing now too. I know it's much easier to say though than to do... because it really sucks. In my situation I would marry this girl in heartbeat... but... obviously she doesn't feel that way now.

If one day you feel the need to see how she’s doing, just make sure you’re stronger first. Because I wasn’t and after 3-1/2 months of being broken up, it’s like I’m starting all over again at the bottom. Do not do that to yourself. A good friend told me that as many years as you’ve been together it takes in months before you start getting stronger…so 4 years = 4 months….sounds good to me, hope it helps you. If you can, please update me how things are going. Best of luck, cheers!

Oh boy where am I now? The last two stories have two different outcomes. And it is nearly impossible to find a story that matches your own. SDjosh, I don't know what this depression stuff is all about, I originally thought it was some type of excuse. SameSame, your story brings tears to my eyes because that is exactly what I think is going to happen in my case. I picture having no contact for a little longer and then trying to appear again as a different person(healthier and happy). I've been eating good and working out like crazy. I think in my case she lost her attraction for me. I really let my health go for the last year of the relationship and I didn't give her the attention she deserved. It has been almost 3 weeks of no contact and her mother has started to call me to see how I'm doing. I just act happy and don't ask about my ex. Maybe her mother is just being nice but maybe she is having her mom call to see what I'm up to. Her mother even said that she calls her mom to ask if she talked to me. Her mother really wants to see us back together and her step dad told me that she just wants me to call and tell her I miss her. I think I'll follow a different plan. So after about 3 weeks of no contact I decided to call her yesterday. She hasn't been calling me because I warned her when we broke up that she shouldn't try to string me along. I was surprised how fast she picked up the phone and she sounded kind of excited. She was talking about moving to another state when she graduates in August and trying to find a roommate even though she has debt and is broke. I don't think she could ever move. But she has this runaway mentality to her ever since the break-up. It is as if she is trying to run away from something. We only spoke for about 4 minutes. I said I had to go real quick and kind of left her guessing what I've been up to. We only talked about her mainly. I just wanted to make a quick touch of base to remind her of me. I'm going to contact her in another week 1/2 to go somewhere and talk about her future in general. I'm not going to bring up the relationship or anything like it. I absolutely will not bring up getting back together, that is always a big bad push. I'm hoping the clean slate effect might take place, after this month of no contact. Where we could sort of start over again. But I don't have my hopes up, never really do. I really want to try to get her back, but I also need closure if I sense she isn't leaning back my way.

SDjosh, I really see how your story is very similar also. I really want to talk to her through all this but I'm terrified of the friendship trap. I can feel that she wants to talk to me and anytime I've called she answered right away. She did say things like "who knows, we may get back together in 6 months" when we broke up but I'm not sure why she would even suggest such a thing. I would only wait if I knew what the future may bring but I'd hate myself if I waited and nothing happened. I had been with so many girls throughout my life, most of them were 1-2 year relationships. This girl really was that once in a lifetime event for me, I was way too happy with her. I feel as if I don't try at least one last time that it will haunt me the rest of my life. I really feel she is too stubborn, and couldn't swallow her pride if she did want to get back together.

I feel 100% the same as you right now…. Regret, wonder…. All that….

But know that that's dangerous territory what you are doing Sandstorm. And as much as you're not going to bring up the relationship (because I didn't for a good 4 weeks after my b-day), eventually you will if she doesn't. She will be friendly to you too of course because she loves you and cares for you, but that can easily get interpreted by you as an open door to get back into her life. I know every situation is different, but just know that the contact could lead things to a bad area... a her believing she can be you friendship area, or her being content that you guys are okay not being together now. Also you are giving her the best of both worlds. She gets to still know about you and be a part of your life without being with you. In the meantime (if you are not successful) you will just be delaying things and torturing yourself... That's what I did. If you guys had a "great relationship" most of the time... passionate, loving, etc, she will never forget you and time is on your side.


I'll keep you posted on my situation and you let me know yours. Maybe one of us can figure out a solution to this dilemma or give hope with a strategy…. Who knows.

I know how it takes over your life though. I'm supposed to be working now and I've done pretty much nothing this last 2 weeks.

What do you think would have happened if you never asked her to get back together and never mentioned the old relationship? Kind of like starting over again. Think back when you guys first started dating how you were happy and never asked her things like "are we a couple now?", you just let it happen. I know this is going to be very dangerous territory. I dread waking up each day and my dreams at night completely haunt me and cause me to wake up. I'm yet to have a normal nights sleep like the old days. I wake up way before I'm supposed to. I hate the feeling of living by myself without her. I've never been alone my whole life and it is tough to get used to. I just want her to see that I'm happy(not in reality, fake happy) and back to my old self. I had gained a lot of weight in the last year of our relationship and I can maybe see how I was unattractive.

Weight's not going to affect it. Everyone lets himself or herself go a bit in a long-term relationship. I did too. Last time she saw me I looked my best. I exercised every day and barely ate... lost 15 pounds and trimmed up... I even have other girls looking at me and comment. I look my best right now, but that didn't make a difference in the world when she looked at me and said no, it's over. In fact she said keep taking care of yourself and looking hot…. In my brain I was saying “for what... some other girl! I want you!! ”

Nonetheless, it can't hurt; so keep taking care of you. All I'm saying is that it's something in her heart right now that's holding her back and you have no control over... and you can't really convince her or rationalize it to her. She has to realize it on her own…unfortunately that means time/space…weather it's no contact or little contact. Either way she needs to come to that realization herself. And believe it or not, when you are in the picture you stand more of a chance of screwing it up then reminding her what she's missing. She will remember what she is missing on her own. The bad times fade after a bit of time and all they remember is the good times…. It's human nature, because she still loves you and cares for you.

But the way it stands now, there are two routes - the little contact (friendly) and the no contact. I don't know. Like you said you are "not really happy"... so how long can you keep this fake happy up before she realizes it or before you crack and start talking about the relationship and beg her back. I mean look at Sdjosh... it took him a year! I couldn't take that of just being friends/acquaintances... hurts too much for them to call you by your first name or just say bye or see you when they hang up. I thought exactly what you are thinking now and I tried it, and it worked at first but it ended up failing fast. It's a tough call. If you can't help it and want to be around her you're going to need self-control. Keep it say; a max of 1 call, text, or email initiated by you every week or week and a half, tops! And see if and how she reciprocates.

Yeah I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to finish this stupid plan and the other part of me wants to sit down and actually talk about how she has felt since we haven't been together. I feel like I'm playing games but I do know that if I do what seems right then all of this will be doomed.

I know what you mean about how the whole name thing changes instantly once you break up. Like my first name now instead of babe. And no more "love you bye". Just "take care bye." Even though they supposedly still love you.

Oh it's like a knife in the heart every time you hear it because it reminds you that she's not yours no more... and she knows it too.

But remember that she left you. So you may want to talk about how she's felt since you haven't been together, but if she did she would have initiated it by now... just like she did the break up. If she hasn't it's because she's not ready yet, be it she's confused, or still hurt. Something I've noticed with girls is that they have a fuel tank of tolerance when it comes to fights and things of that nature, and every time you fight they lose some fuel in the tank until there's none left. And at that point the romance and affection for you goes because they are emotionally drained... and that's the danger point. The "I love you but I'm not in-love with you". I don't know your situation exact, but that's what mines led up to so far... the only way to get that back 'that feeling" on her part, I feel is space.

You're still doing good from what it sounds like in the self control department, so hang in there. My advice... if you called her yesterday and kept it short, that's perfect. Now just sit tight and wait for 2 weeks and see if she tries to contact you. Then in 2 weeks decided your next step. You may be thinking differently all together by then. But no matter what, 2 weeks of waiting isn't going to hurt your chances... especially the way you left it... only help.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide.

Sandstorm99 Yeah. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it. I couldn't forgive her for that unless she showed up at my house and apologized. Thousands of phone calls won't be enough, I can't accept that.

From what you wrote she had little choice but to kick you to the curb, and its pretty arrogant and selfish to lay all the blame at her feet and take none for yourself. You sound like a bully with a temper problem, who uses physical force or breaking things to get your way. I bet that scared the hell out of her, and really did wonders for the relationship. If half what you wrote is true, then it would be safe to say you f'd up.


Another slap in the face is that she gave me a thank you card to give to my parents, brothers and sisters. She wanted to thank them for everything they did and know she cared. My family didn't do anything compared to what I did for her. Where is my thank you card. What a joke!! Just another reason to never pick up that phone.

Again belittle others as you blow your own horn, and have the gall to be mad. You really deserve a prize alright


Originally Posted by Sandstorm99
I eventually told her I hate this relationship and that i'm sick of trying and she wasn't doing anything.


Anyone would be hurt by this outburst. Part of your problem is you have no communication skills and for sure you don't listen.


I feel as if I don't try at least one last time that it will haunt me the rest of my life. I really feel she is too stubborn, and couldn't swallow her pride if she did want to get back together.
This is all about you, and I think you should leave her alone until you can do better than blame all this on someone else, and take responsibility for running her away by being a selfish one way bully, who should be working on his issues, and trying to learn how to communicate in something other than threats and ultimatums. If you where serious about being with this female you would be going through a honest self examination and putting in the work necessary to improve yourself, instead of bashing her for your misery. Sorry guy I think you should leave her alone and focus on you. If you want to see your problem, just look in the mirror.

Please dot call there is nothing you can do...

You MUST wait itout if she does not contact you its over...

DO NOT CONTACT HER FORGOODNESSSAKE can't you readher she wants to MISS you by talking to her shewill not miss you!
Makeherfeel the void, your still in there mateonly you can loseher now by doingthewrong thing...

Think about it whe you firstmeet someone youdont bugthem you conact nowand then YSTERIOUS.

Wll nowyou needtobe extramysterious small contact wikll not refill herlove tank only the fact of MSSIG you can return herto you now. And when I say missing you she must feel a voidin herlife.Wateveryou do listen carefullyandlook at watkept te passion in the relationship for 4 years. Er miising you on occasions when you wernt around DID she evertext you IM MISSINGYOU' Ifso MAKE HERMISS you do NOTHING. And that means NOTHING!! Let her contact you anddontanswer call back later BUILD THE TENSION. From reading your post she is basically telling you how to win her back butyou areto blinded to see what she is saying. Sheisnot saying keepsmallcontact SHe issaying I don't feellike I used to , I used to miss youallthe timeand now I Don't..

BUDDY MAKE ERMISSYOU NEVER COTACT HERAGAIN SHE WILL COTACTYOU 4 YEARS JUSTDOEST GO OUTTHE WINDOW ITSSTILLIN HER HEART SHE WILL BEMISSING YOU HAE BELIEFINTHIS AND YOU WILL WINHER BACK< FALL WEAK AND YOU ILL PUSH HER AWAY>>>NOTHING!!

My situation was alot like yours. I think the majority of the problem rests on her shoulders. She is going through a ruff patch. She hates her job....she doesn't like where she lives....she is working her butt off. She is depressed.

What im trying to say is that just like in my situation....you where the first thing to go because she couldn't deal with you and all her own problems at the same time.

I don't know what advice to give you really. No contact is good. But in my situation, we stayed friends and she has become a happy person after working through her problems. She has asked me to move in with her and be together again after a year. Like your ex....my ex didn't like her job or where we lived. She was depressed. But she knew that she had to take care of her first. I wish that should could have done it with my help but maybe it was something she had to do on her own.

Maybe this will help....maybe not..

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-wants-space-but-tells-me-not-give-up-her-93599.html

Blame it on the rough patch?? Hmmm. My ex blamed our breakup on her rough patch. She lost both her father and her grandmother last year. But when I think about it aren't rough patches supposed to be a time when couples draw closer together? Aren't rough patches a time to lean on each other and be supportive?

My ex has no idea how breaking up with me during her rough patch has put a blow to myself esteem. I could have been there for her to help her through it! She claims she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in the final days of our relationship. I resent her very much.

I'm becoming more convinced that rough patches are a lame excuse to break up over.

Talaniman. You are very correct in what you say. I did break some things a few times and she even said that is what started to make her feel nothing for me. Combine that with a lack of affection from me for a few months and this is what you end up with. I was never a bully or put a single hand on her. I am very guilty of destroying the love and attraction she had for me. I wrote her a long note when we broke up and explained how I felt and how I would change. Yes that is rather lame but I had to get it off my chest. It wasn't really right of me to tell her that she needed to move her clothes out right away, that was sort of a mistake. To top it all off I told her I couldn't be friends and that we couldnt' talk. So basically I don't blame her for not wanting to call me. She said she agreed that she wouldn't string me along. But part of me thinks that this will make it much more difficult for her to come back. I think since most of this is my fault that I should give her this time without talking so she can see how she really feels. Then I plan to initiate contact and see where her heart might be. I really feel as If I have to start over from the beginning when we were friends for a year.

She is not miss innocent but almost all of the blame rests on me. I couldn't believe how bad she was crying when she said she wanted to break up, that was a very difficult decision for her. Her dad even called me the next day to see how I was doing because he didn't know what to do when his daughter was crying so bad. She did mention that maybe we would get back together down the road after she finds herself or figures out where her life is going.

Mckenzie. I totally understand what you are saying. You are definitely one of the toughest no contact people I know. Some day I'll have to do what you say but I really need to initiate contact because I was the one who told her to let me be.

I thank you all for you kind words. It really helps to hear everyone's opinions. They are all extremely helpful. I just feel as if I should be talking to her and offering her support throughout this tough time in her life. I've kind of screwed myself when I told her not to contact me because I might be seeing other girls and that I didn't want her to string me along. Basically I wanted to move on but I'm not doing a darn thing. I'm stuck here. I plan to contact her next week and set up a time to meet and have a cappuccino. I think next week will be 3 weeks since I've last seen her with very light contact(one 4 minute phone call). I wanted to find a way to explain to her that she can call me without sounding stupid.

Just be patient and work on yourself, as your impulsive behavior is at the root of all this chaos.

Sandstorm99,I thank you all for you kind words. It really helps to hear everyone's opinions. They are all extremely helpful. I just feel as if I should be talking to her and offering her support throughout this tough time in her life.

Hard to do any supporting when some one is pissed at you. Or are you starting to convince yourself that she needs you for her own good???

I've kind of screwed myself when I told her not to contact me because I might be seeing other girls and that I didn't want her to string me along.
That was your fears and insecurity talking, and had you expressed yourself in a less threatening manner , who knows, if it would have made a difference?


Basically I wanted to move on but I'm not doing a darn thing. I'm stuck here.

Of course as all this is new and fresh, thats why its important to take the time to let the emotional dust settle so you can look at your situation with a clear head.


I plan to contact her next week and set up a time to meet and have a cappuccino.

Get unstuck first so you can focus on what happened and what needs to be done.

I think next week will be 3 weeks since I've last seen her with very light contact(one 4 minute phone call). I wanted to find a way to explain to her that she can call me without sounding stupid.
I think you should give it time and not rush in like a bull in a china shop. Be less impulsive, more thoughtful. She will call if she wants to, without ant magnanimous offering from you. Fix you first, before you go about anything else. As it is you can only offer more of the same and we can all see where that got you.

Talaniman. I think you know me better than I know myself. Impulsive mixed with trust issues(past experiences) is the best way to describe the things that turned her off the most. You are very correct.


A little update here: So last night I couldn't help myself so I rang her(yes the impulsive demon). She sounded very excited to talk to me. She was in the middle of doing something that required two hands(fixing her girlfriends hair) but she didn't ignore the call. We talked for about 4-5 minutes and then I let her go nicely. So later that night I get a phone call. She was balling her eyes out and said she is very sick. I could hardly make out her words. Basically she hadn't drank in a long time and she went overboard. I had never heard her like this before. Part of me wanted to say tough and hang up but I tried my best to comfort her with words. Then I heard her trying to throw up. I asked her if she wanted me to come and get her because it sounded like the girls with her didn't know what to do. She said yes come get her. Then her girlfriend got on the phone and said that would be very nice if I could come get her. So I got over there and they were out in the parking lot keeping her up. She was a complete mess. They helped me get her in my car. Took her home and watched her throw up all night. I was rather worried because she wasn't breathing properly and kept trying to pass out on her back. So after about 2 hours of convincing her to drink water and get in bed she finally made it. Most of the time I had to carry her around. I sat there most of the night like her mother making sure she didn't pass out on her back and choke on her vomit. She went to sleep and I pondered if I did the right thing by picking her up. Well in the morning I took her back to her car and we grabbed some fast food real quick because her stomach was on compete empty. Just before she got in her car she gave me the strongest hug I've ever seen from her. She thanked me for taking care of her last night. And she said how I look so much better in just a month. I said "yeah ur just saying that" She said "no I can feel it when I hug you and your face shows it too." Then out of nowhere, she caught me by surprise and gave me a kiss. I didn't know what to do so I held her face we kissed like 5 times. Not making out kisses but serious kisses. They really felt like meaningful kisses. I know she is not the type to mess with my head or lead me on. Any type of kiss was completely off limits about 3 weeks ago when I started no contact. But for some reason it was OK and I didn't ask a word why. I am now fighting my impulsive side that wants to call her. I wasn't really planning on calling her until Tuesday next week. She had to work all day and I wasn't planning on setting up a mini date until next week. Hmmm. I could easily rush this and ruin it.

Ok another update:
So later that night after the morning kiss I get a text "thanks for being there for me last night. I shouldn't have called you though and i'm sorry" I didn't feel like texting so I just called her. She said she didn't mean to call me and that she doesn't want to hurt me because she might be moving. She said why get back together if she has to move, I said nothing about getting back together and she pulled that out of nowhere. She said she has to find herself. I guess maybe she is lost in what she wants to do in life. She isn't moving anywhere. She is too far in debt. And stupid me asked what the kiss was about, she said it felt like the right thing to do. I said it felt like our very first kiss from ages ago. I told her that she shouldn't be afraid to call because I just wanted several weeks to myself where I could be alone and not talk to her. I have no clue what she is actually thinking now. So I asked her if she wanted to get coffee later that week and she didn't want to get coffee. She wanted to go to dinner, I didn't want to give her a hint of a date but she recommened dinner. I just said that she needs to talk to someone about all this stuff happening in her life before she has a breakdown. Instead of later in the week she recommended the next night.

So we went out to eat. We mainly talked about all the things in her life. I offered as much advice as I could give. She seemed rather happy, I didn't mention anything about our relationship or getting back together. She was being really down on herself and I offered all the compliments I could have how smart she is and how I have much respect for her ability to work so hard, night and day. I did my best to explain to her that everyone usually goes through this stage before they graduate where they think they have to immediately make up their mind on what they want to do in life. Then I brought her back to her car and she said "thank you very much for talking to me about things". We hugged and she turned her cheek towards my face so I could kiss it. I kissed her cheek and asked "what happened to kissing on the lips?" She said "we are friends." Stupid me said "oh but yesterday the lips weren't off limits." I laughed and said jokingly "can we have a slumber party then?" She drove away. Friends?? Oh my, is this the dreaded friendship trap? Or should I just continue to be respectful and offer her support?

Sandstorm,

This is 100% the same situation as mine... even from the coffee to dinner and end kiss on the cheek and friends bit. Even down to the School and graduating and trying to find herself. I'm telling you. Stay the hell away from her now before you mess things up. I didn't stay away and all I did was allow her to reinforce the "friend thing". And all it's going to do is eat at you until you can't take it anymore, bring up the relationship again, and ultimately push her away more. That is where I am now, and I regret it completely. She is confused. Stay away and she will come back sooner. The more you keep contact, the longer she will stay away and the worse your chances get of her ever feeling for you the same way she did. Leave it before it turns to friends and she loses that feeling forever. Set an amount of time to hold out... maybe no contact for 3 months. And stick to it. Only then will things start to become more clear. You can't do anything now but harm if you keep contact. Look at the things you said to her... your words are only going to hurt you and your chances now because you're not strong right now. You want her back and you'll keep slipping up, messing things up and pushing her away if you don't pull yourself out of the picture and recompose and strengthen yourself. It's been 4 years and she is confused. You're not going to lose her for backing off for a few weeks.

Oh yeah. And she invited me to her graduation party in a month. I'd have to be insane to go to her graduation party as the ex boyfriend friend. I would feel way too stupid if I went.

Same same. This could be an endless cycle. I could go another two weeks without talking and do all this crap all over again. I think I need to go meet another girl asap even though rebound relationships suck. She never asked what I've been doing lately when we went out to eat. Not one question about how things are going.

Yeah, that is dangerous. Like I told you before, I invited my "ex" to my b-day two months after she broke up with me and 2 months of no contact. She accepted and came and all it did was ruin my b-day really. She was there but as my "friend" only and that sucks. Worst part, 2 weeks later it was her b-day and I never got invited.

It sounds like she's confused right now about herself and where she wants to go. But whatever the reason, things are not balanced now or stable. They're a mess really. All I can say is back off.

Think about it. She didn't even ask you about what you've been doing lately. Neither did my ex. And when they do it's only out of politeness. That is a major indicator of what is going on in their heads right now - it's all about her right now. You're not in her picture.

It's a tough road no matter what. Rebound? Not a good idea I don't think. Think about how you feel now. Don't mess with some other girls heart to make yourself feel better, you know. It won't last either. I went out this weekend and hit on a few girls, made out with one, and you know what. I did feel better for a day or two, but today I'm back in the dumps thinking about my ex again.

Only thing I haven't completely tried yet is no contact. See how long you can go (1 month, 3 months, a year) but leave the ball in their court and walk away. Get rid of all her stuff. Pictures and any reminders, etc. Put them in a box somewhere. I did that and it helps. And just take it day by day. Do what she's doing and live for yourself. Eventually she will wonder what you are doing and she will ask... and who knows, maybe at that time you won't care to ask her.

Come to think of it. My Doctor recommended me to take a Vacation. I think I might go away in August with some friends. Maybe you should plan a trip. Get away and have some fun. That might help accelerate the healing.

I feel the same way, why should I contact someone who doesn't want to be with me and is so heartless about it, it is very difficult,and that's why I'm reading about this NC everyday so I Don't contact him,stay strong and remember you are definitely not alone.

No contact speaks volumes

GEEEZZZZZ!!

You come here looking for advice and you are still in contact with her!!

You do not understand I've bennthrough all this crap your going through and what she is doing to you is what all females do in your position!! She is unsure what she wants and BOY have I been in that position where you had a pash... well after a month my ex told me to stay over with her and we slept together and you know what a couple of days lateer I saw her tried to kiss her and she said we are still on a break and just friends and I said but what about the other night and she said well I had a weak moment and that's how I felt at the time!!

The only way to get away from all this confusion and make her come back is to not accept any dinner do not accept anything at all!!

The problem here is you believe if you do this you will be losing her and she will go for dinner with someone else!! This is not the case LET HER MISS YOU show her what it is like to have a life without you...

If you continue catching up every two weeks this will not work!! Move on do not talk to her under any circumstances!! NIL NO contct what so ever if you see her say nothing do nothing!!

Disappear from her life...

The only way to get away from all this confusion and make her come back is to not accept any dinner do not accept anything at all!!

Time to let go and heal from the breakup. As others say just disappear from her life and be unavailable to her period. This will not make her come back no matter what anyone says. No contact is for you to heal from the emotional damage, and get your life in order. She may try to contact you as a friend, or wonder why you have dissappeared, but she will never be back as yours. Don't expect it. False hope is fools gold, and worthless. Get a life that you enjoy without her and look forward.

Blame it on the rough patch??? Hmmm. My ex blamed our breakup on her rough patch. She lost both her father and her grandmother last year. But when I think about it aren't rough patches supposed to be a time when couples draw closer together? Aren't rough patches a time to lean on each other and be supportive?

My ex has no idea how breaking up with me during her rough patch has put a blow to my self esteem. I could have been there for her to help her through it! She claims she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in the final days of our relationship. I resent her very much.

I'm becoming more convinced that rough patches are a lame excuse to break up over.


Dreamguy... the one thing you can count on is that everyone is different. They react differently in situations. Some people are brought together by hard times... some feel they have to handle it on there own. I have found that people who are independent tend to deal with things without help. Which is the case in my situation.

Hey Sdjosh, how long did you date your ex... prior to the break-up/get back together? And how is your relationship now compared with before? Just trying to see if there is hope out there for a healthy get back.

Well I haven't made up my mind about moving on and that is a big decision to make. I've read many different stories about getting back together and the ones that were successful were the ones that involved a lenghty no contact or being their friend for a long time(year) like SDjosh's case. The no contact worries me in my case because she can be very stubborn. I just worry that she will not initiate anything even if she does feel a need to get back together.

But what does it mean if she is not worried one bit about who I go out and meet and what I do. I've never seen her like this before but she has no concern about the things I do.

As sick as it may sound, I've read some posts from a few girls that only broke up with their boyfriends to see how hard they would try and get back together.

I had disappeared for about 3 weeks and then came back into the picture. She was not hesitant one bit about meeting up. She is more than excited to talk on the phone. And I guess I got a kiss out of it which really surprised me. But I guess a kiss isn't much. This story is almost an exact duplicate to some of you and I see how your situation of getting back together never really happened. Eventually I'm going to just give this up.

She was not hesitant because she still loves you and cares for you as a person. I'm sure she misses the times you shared too, but that's not enough to get back together. You can't take it the wrong way - the way you want to see it. If I were to call my ex now she would meet with too and be happy to see me, but I know her hearts not in it 100% the way mine is. Like you said, she's not concerned about the things you do... what does that tell you?
I'm not over my ex either and I'm still not ready to move on, but other then time, what else can you do right now?

I feel like I need to break down and ask her what she is thinking. I'm sick of guessing what is going on in her head. I feel as if I wasn't given the honest reason why we aren't together anymore. If I could just get the honest answer such as "I want to see other guys" then it would make it easier for me to move on. But I haven't found anything that would prove that theory of mine. She claims she doesn't want to lead me on and hurt me but I think not giving me 100% of the truth is leading me on. She hasn't played any string along games like many of my exes but I need the truth. I have spent this past month being as tough as I can without breaking down and talking about the relationship. But being depressed and afraid to get back together because she may move doesn't sound like a reason to me anymore. I look at it this way, I would want to spend every moment with someone I care about before I had to move. And she really isn't going to move. Plus when we broke up she said she needed time to herself and now it has changed to I need to find myself. I feel like I need to hate her in order to move on but I can't hate her for the reasons she has fed me. I could be wrong, maybe these are her reasons.

To explain the feelings I am having with a few examples:

It is like being in prison except they said they never know when they are going to let you out and you are not allowed to ask when.

Or it is like someone you love dying, and god comes to you and says there is one secret way to bring them back to life. You have to think very hard about the secret way. You only get one try, if you don't pick the right way to bring them back then they are going to be dead forever.

But what if she doesn't fully know why? Maybe she just feels different because of what she's going though in life... maybe comparison to friends, because she's graduating, etc. and she's just confused about what it is she wants from life.

If you really feel that way though. Then maybe give her a call and ask her to meet up and let her know how you're feeling... ask her every question you can think of, even about the possibility of down the road and see what she says. But don't get your hopes up, because chances are it won't change much. I did that 2-1/2 weeks ago and all I got was more confusion and disappointment.

Hey Sdjosh, how long did you date your ex...prior to the break-up/get back together? And how is your relationship now compared with before? Just trying to see if their is hope out there for a healthy get back.


We were together 7 years and lived together for 6 1/2 years. Our relationship now is better than before because we have grown while we have been on our own. We have found a renewed strength in ourselves. The time away from each other has made us both realize what we had and how good we really were together.

It has also made us realize what we were doing wrong... how were were treating each other. Gave us time to think on what we could do to make it better... and to just be happy being yourself.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO!.

Keep busy... do your hobbies and make new ones. Hang out with your friends. You are going to have days that you don't want to do anything... just take it one day at a time. By doing this you become healthy and happy.

Well she did say "who knows maybe we will get back together in 6 months" when we broke up. I thought that was a very cruel thing for her to say. Even though she didn't want to string me along, it has that effect. I thought I got the reason why she wanted to break up when we broke up but now I feel as if I didn't dig deep enough into her true thoughts. Kind of like she didn't want to hurt me with the truth. You could be very right samesame. Maybe she doesn't know. And asking these things a month later will seem very needy and create a large push.

Sdjosh. Didn't you maintain regular contact with her via phone? Did you ever disappear with the no contact route? I've seen your posts and I don't know how you did it. Maybe your girl is much more grown up/honest and was not pushed away by the deep "why" and "what if" relationship conversations. I'm kind of stuck in the macho don't ask about the relationship approach.

Sdjosh, also... did you guys see other people when you were apart. Did that ever come up?

I you do decide to give it another go... take it slow. You can't force anyone to do anything. Don't suffacate her with calls and questions. Work on what you think were the problems in the relationship. Fix you... improve you. You are the main focus here. Stop worrying about if you guys will get back together and take care of what you can control... yourself

Sdjosh. Didn't you maintain regular contact with her via phone? Did you ever disappear with the no contact route? I've seen your posts and I don't know how you did it. Maybe your girl is much more grown up/honest and was not pushed away by the deep "why" and "what if" relationship conversations. I'm kind of stuck in the macho don't ask about the relationship approach.


My girl is very honest and up front about stuff... except her feelings. She was cool enough to let me get out what I needed to say and just listen.
Honestly... I almost never contacted her. I let her contact me which she did almost every night. After awhile she would call 3 times a week... and myspace. But I tried never to call her... eventhough I wanted to.


Sdjosh, also.....did you guys see other people when you were apart. Did that ever come up?

We both decided not to date other people... not just because we still loved each other but... and here is the main reason. We both needed time to deal with what happened. Come to terms with it and grow from it. But how can you date someone when you have all this baggage you are carrying around?

But what if she doesn't fully know why? Maybe she just feels different because of what she's going though in life...maybe comparison to friends, because she's graduating, etc. and she's just confused about what it is she wants from life.

This is a probably what is going on. It's a transition time in her life where she has to find direction and put her education to use.


Then maybe give her a call and ask her to meet up and let her know how you're feeling...ask her every question you can think of, even about the possibility of down the road and see what she says.


NOOOO! Don't do that. That is exactly the opposite of what you should do. If you just broke up with someone would you want that person begging you to come back... spilling there emotional drama on you... hell no. That is what your friends are for. Go talk to them... get it out. But when you are around her you are confident... you are smiling... happy. Not clingy. Yet again I can't stress enough how much working on yourself helps. Getting back that confidence in yourself goes along way.



I recommend you read this

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-have-you-learned-94933.html

Sdjosh. I'm starting to think that your girl is 100% honest with you and mine was hiding something because she doesn't want to hurt me or have me hate her. I really think she wanted to tell me that the grass is greener on the other side but instead fed me with, I'm depressed, I need time to myself, I need to find myself and I love you but I'm not in love with you, and I might be moving so why get back together. Her excuses sound way too common and over used.

I mainly want to ask her one more time to tell me the whole truth and not tell her how I feel.

Whatever the answer she gives... it won't change the fact that you are hurt and still have feelings for her. But if you feel you must. But it won't help the situation.

The only way you can patch things up is to work on you... fix you. Figure out what happened... what could have been better... and change it. Make yourself happy again. Confidence is sexy.

Well if she was honestly confused about her future then this would allow me accept her one day if she did come back.

However, if she has something wrong in her brain and thinks she can find better after being with me for 4 years. I would really be hurt and move on. I couldn't get back with someone down the road feeling like I was second best. Or feeling like she doesn't know if I'm the one. You know when someone is the one you have been looking for.

You're not going to get that black or white clear cut kind of answer no matter how much you ask her because it most likely does not exist. Believe me, I know more than one person who has tried... me included. And the way she is now... from what it sounds... even if she does finally give you an answer (whether it's the one you're looking for or the one you dread), it'll only be out of pressure, and won't make any good difference, but only make you feel worse. Because all you're really looking for is for her to take you back and start over again, and right now, she's not going to do that.

Obviously you just need to learn the hard way... If not, then your brain will always say "what if"... Let it out one more time and ask your questions... After that, call it quits... You did what you had to do, and now let her deal with that for the rest of her life. You will be okay... We all go through these things at one point and don't think you are stupid or the only one with these situations. One day the right one will come and you will look back and understand why all this happened... Maybe not, but at least you learned a lot... I'm sure your next relationship will be a great one. I wish you the best and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I know how the pain feels. Sooner or later you will have to accept this and tell yourself it is what you must do. I'm rooting for you!

It is crazy how we all have very similar stories with all the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" I've taken several days to think about it all and we all have similar stories with similar outcomes. We all have been forced into no contact because all our other friendly attempts lead to nothing, maybe a dinner/kiss but mainly nothing, with the exception of sdjosh. I can see the hell sdjosh went through to get back with his girl. I decided I won't be asking her for more answers about why she broke up. I will never get them. I'm just going to accept the break up and do nothing. I haven't thought of anything that could possibly get her back so I'm going to do nothing.

I'll update you all if for some crazy reason she comes back but I don't have any hope for that anymore.

Well... it was hell that I went through but it was one of my own doing. I kept the pain close to the surface... kept it close because if I didn't want to face this world without her. But I did it all to myself.

So don't do nothing? The best thing you can do and anyone on this site can do is get YOUR life back. Do things for you... make you happy. Plan things with your friends... get hobbies... hang out and have fun. That's what life is about.

One pattern that I can see is that we all get complacent in our relationships. We build a life around that person we love most and we get so caught up in it that we loose sight of ourselves. We stop doing the things that made us... us. Hanging out with our friends... our hobbies. Things that we were happy doing alone. Things that were ours. That didn't include the person we love.

And by doing this you loose some part of yourself. Maybe confidence... independence... because you spend every moment you can with them. You also loose that X factor. The attraction and excitement you once felt.

So when I say go do you... I mean exactly that. You get back to that place where you are confident... happy. This attracts people to you.

Yeah. I understand what you mean. I think part of all this is because I spent too much time to myself when we were together. I got too caught up in my hobbies etc and didn't spend as time with her as I should. I was so comfortable with her that I completely slacked off, however I can't change the past, it is rough being by myself and alone in most of the things I do. I guess I have no choice but to get used to it. By doing nothing I meant doing nothing when it comes to her. There is nothing I can do to win her back because whatever the secret techinique is, I will never figure it out. I had talked with her mid last week and arranged to meet up this week to talk and she said she would get a hold of me before the beginning of this week. At the time I told her I needed to talk to her but the past 5 days helped me to realize that I don't need to have a talk with her. Maybe she will call or maybe she won't. I'm just going to convince myself that I don't care anymore. If she doesn't care then why should I.

Just curious, what have you been doing with your time the last 2-3 weeks??

To be honest. I haven't been doing anything but staring at the ceiling and the sky. I have no will to work or interest in any of my hobbies. All of my creativity is shot and I can't stop thinking about her and I dread waking up in the morning. I have been going to the gym a few times and riding a mountain bike which I never did before. I used to drink one or two days per week but I haven't drank once since the break up because I was worried I'd break down and call her. Plus the alcohol just makes me think too much and intensifies the effect. I haven't hung out with many of my friends because they always make some sort of jokes about how quiet I've been, and give me the "ahh just get over it" comment. And most of them have disappeared into relationships of their own. So I don't hang out with them much for now. I felt as if I needed a few weeks to be alone and get the sadness out of my system.

This is definitely the worst event so far in my entire life. I've never cried so much. So far no tears in about 3 days so maybe it is time to come out of my cave. I'm almost to the point where I'm not counting days anymore. I just realized it has been a little over a month since the break up.

It took 6 months to "get it" after my break up with my g/f of 3 years and half of that was the woe is me stuff, what a waste. That pity pot can be comfortable, but life and action and people, is what you really need. Shave, shower and find some people or something to do, everyday. Bet you look like hell.:eek:

Sand I have been in your shoes. In time it does get better. 5 months in I still take time to stare at the sky, feel sorry for myself and analylize what went wrong. But the hurt in my heart comes and goes faster then from a few months ago. In a couple months you will come out of your confort zone and start hanging out with your friends. I still am quiet in front of them but I'm starting to have more conversations without thinking of her. Trust me when I say this time does heal. Just don't contact her and if she contacts you don't answer. You will go back to square one. I did this 2 months in breakup and maybe that why I'm still messed up 5 months in. But you will be fine.

It is crazy how we all have very similar stories with all the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" I've taken several days to think about it all and we all have similar stories with similar outcomes. We all have been forced into no contact because all our other friendly attempts lead to nothing, maybe a dinner/kiss but mainly nothing, with the exception of sdjosh. I can see the hell sdjosh went through to get back with his girl. I decided I won't be asking her for more answers about why she broke up. I will never get them. I'm just going to accept the break up and do nothing. I haven't thought of anything that could possibly get her back so i'm going to do nothing.

I'll update you all if for some crazy reason she comes back but I don't have any hope for that anymore.


Yes, I thought about it too, and the only explanation that I can come up with is that all the stories are all very similar and deal with the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" because they are just that…excuses. In the end they are the easiest let downs possible. Not as many people get the “f**k you it's over”. We're in the caring category – the let down easy bunch. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that the relationship as we knew it before ceases to exist, and now begins the mourning period. And as much as you want this ex back it's not going to happen, not in the way that you/we want it too, where she just calls us back right now and everything gets fixed. This won’t happen because their heart has already given up, and no amount of rationalization on our part is going to change that, because it’s impossible to convince someone to feel for you again. That’s why only time is that last shred of hope if at all.

Yes, Sdjosh's situation is different because really, in a way it's been so long that they are both in different places now, different people and that has in a way changed the dynamic of the relationship. It’s not the relationship is was anymore. It truly is starting over, just with someone you know or have a history with (Sdjosh, correct me if I’m wrong).

So I think the goal here is to strengthen and improve you, by yourself, and think of nothing more. Then, when that day comes along, months from now (from what I read the average seems to be about 6-12 months), when you feel strong and happy and complete by yourself again (with a different frame of mind), you will be mentally stable and ready to decide what your next step will be, whether it's to keep moving on by yourself, or maybe you've already met someone by then, or to pick up the phone and see how the ex is doing (but from what I read this will most likely not happen, because by then, who wants to go back to feeling like crap).

Am I on to something here, or am I lost? Just trying to figure out what this is all about and where it leads to while I'm (as many of us are) stuck in limbo.

Yes, I thought about it too, and the only explanation that I can come up with is that all the stories are all very similar and deal with the same excuses such as "I need time to myself, I need to find myself, I don't have the same feelings, I'm depressed" because they are just that…excuses. In the end they are the easiest let downs possible. Not as many people get the “f**k you it's over”. We're in the caring category – the let down easy bunch. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that the relationship as we knew it before ceases to exist, and now begins the mourning period. And as much as you want this ex back it's not going to happen, not in the way that you/we want it too, where she just calls us back right now and everything gets fixed. This won't happen because their heart has already given up, and no amount of rationalization on our part is going to change that, because it's impossible to convince someone to feel for you again. That's why only time is that last shred of hope if at all.

Yes, Sdjosh's situation is different because really, in a way it's been so long that they are both in different places now, different people and that has in a way changed the dynamic of the relationship. It's not the relationship is was anymore. It truly is starting over, just with someone you know or have a history with (Sdjosh, correct me if I'm wrong).

So I think the goal here is to strengthen and improve you, by yourself, and think of nothing more. Then, when that day comes along, months from now (from what I read the average seems to be about 6-12 months), when you feel strong and happy and complete by yourself again (with a different frame of mind), you will be mentally stable and ready to decide what your next step will be, whether it's to keep moving on by yourself, or maybe you've already met someone by then, or to pick up the phone and see how the ex is doing (but from what I read this will most likely not happen, because by then, who wants to go back to feeling like crap).

Am I on to something here, or am I lost? Just trying to figure out what this is all about and where it leads to while I'm (as many of us are) stuck in limbo.

I agree with what you said. When we broke up there was no chance getting back together. Our relationship was dead... but we stayed friends even though it probably killed us both. At the same time we made it a point to work on ourselves. To be independent and self sufficient. So we did become different from who we were... but even with the changes, we still love each other and want to be together.

This situation doesn't work for everyone. It takes 2 dedicated... stubborn... crazy people to want to go through that kind of hell. ;) But we knew that it was worth it.

I made it a habbit... more like a burning desire to fix myself. To get back to being a happy... independent individual. That was the only thing that brought about our new relationship. Focus on you first....fix you....be happy being you. Then see where it goes after that.

My girl always said that I try harder than anyone she has ever known... and that it was one of the things she loved about me.

Hey Sandstrom,

You say this was your 12 g/f or so. I was just wondering if any other break-up you've been through, where you were the one getting dumped, has compared to this (ie. You wanted them back, etc.).

Thanks for everyone's advice, I appreciate it all. I should have maintained no contact from day one in order for her to miss me but I kind of messed that up. I keep going through this mystery process of disappearing and reappearing. But I can say it is getting me nowhere. It isn't pushing her away but it is definitely not pulling her back.

Samesame. I was actually counting my past girlfriends and I had about 22 or so. Most of them only lasted about 1-2 months of which I ended on my own. If 1-2 months does count as a girlfriend. But there were about 4 that were about 1-2 1/2 years long. I broke up with the first two because they were cheaters at heart. Somehow I could sense it and they got caught. I remember the first relationship was about 2 years long and I found out she had actually cheated several times. I dumped her and she wrote me apology letters etc. She would always call too and I remember cussing her out and hanging up. But she kept calling. I did everything I could to get away from that girl. I had really liked her up to the point where I found out who she truly was. Years had went by from then and she didn't contact me anymore. The strange part about it is that I kind of felt like getting back with her but I would quickly tell myself what kind of person she is and she would never change. Even though I had broken up with her, I was waiting for her to try and contact me after a few years. But she never did so I made no effort to get a hold of her. The 2nd cheater followed the same course as the first but I didn't cuss this girl out. Talked to her once in a while and things slowly faded to nothing. Most of the other break ups were mutual and simply faded away like the others.

I think the 4th girlfriend broke up with me and somehow I didn't keep my cool and ruined it. I had bugged her to death on the phone and flowers etc. Talked to her years down the road to find out she actually broke up with me to teach me a lesson/change me and did plan on getting back together until I messed it up by being super needy. The latest break up was definitely not mutual. This one is different from all the others.

No contact does wonders for healing but I have no idea how to win a girls heart back.

You said you were not telling her how you felt? Sometimes in relationships you need to swallow your pride and tell her what you think! Other than that, if YOU think the break-up is the best thing, than no contact would be a good way to go!

Sandstorm, yeah I see what you mean.

Truth is No contact sucks! Just when you think you're getting better, a day comes along when all you do is think of her and feel blue. But you're right, no contact is the only alternative to not torturing yourself anymore than you already are, but to win a girls heart back is what we're all really looking to do. I haven't heard anyone's advice with that (maybe because there is no real way or strategy, I don't know). So, this has led me to make my own...

I figure give it a solid 4 months at least, but no more than 6 months. 1 month for each year you dated... Absolutely no contact. Then, if you still want her back and she hasn't made any attempt to contact you, I think by then it's your time to make a move. No contact forever is a gamble in the long run, both with its pros and cons. But I think if you really really want her back, timing is important. Too little time and you push her away for good. Too much time and she could moves on and meet someone new. The thing that I haven't figured out yet is what move to make in 4-6 months if and when that time comes. A call, text, email? I know it needs to be short and no pressure, and new (in other words, no past relationship B.S. - pretend you're old friends that haven't seen each other in a while but were always on good terms)... Just to jog their memory and heart, and see how they respond. Maybe even by then, do what SDJosh did and play the friendship angle until she feels comfortable with the idea again, in the meantime you're still in the picture (as hard as it is - no one said this would be easy). Any thoughts about this from anyone?

In the meantime, don't wait around. If some opportunity comes along to meet a nice girl, take it. I'm just saying it doesn't mean you have to give up completely on something your heart believes in. But you also have to know when to throw in the towel and call it quits for good too.

Harlos. I wrote her a 7 page letter that explained how I felt about her. I gave it to her 2 days after we broke up. So basically she has this letter to read anytime she is wondering how I feel. But I gave that to her a month ago. If I were to come out and tell her how I feel then that could be a big push as far as attraction is concerned. I've asked her to meet up several times which she isn't afraid to do but I never bring up the relationship or getting back together. She has maintained no calling me because when she broke up with me I told her that being friends won't happen and that I wouldn't allow her to string me along. Kind of a tough situation because she doesn't feel like she can just call to chat. Although I'm allowed to call anytime I want and she always picks up. The ball is kind of in my court but then again it is not. She even talks as long as she can but I almost always let her go. Rather stupid situation if you ask me, I'd rather her call if she misses me but technically she can't. My original plan was to have her only call if she wanted to get back together. If I confessed my feelings now she would simply say "why get back together if I'm going to move." She said this before after she kissed me in the morning and I really wonder if it is some easy let down.

Hey Sandstorm,

Just wondering if anything has changed for you or gotten better since you last posted here? Any contact?

Boy trying to figure out where the hell I left off. Sorry this might be long. For those out there wondering if they should be friends with their ex then read up and decide for yourself. It is now 2 months since we broke up. My sense of humor is slowly coming back but I'm still digging my own grave.

So I was still going through the process of disappearing and reappearing. Usually like 3-5 days of not talking and then calling her. I finally had a serious talk on the internet with her because I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked how she feels and she said "she feels like herself" then I asked how she feels about me. She said "I feel like I did when we broke up" She said "I don't know, I don't think we are meant for each other" Then I asked her why she fed me with "who knows, maybe we will get back together in 6 months" She said she didn't know what she wants in her life and she still doesn't. She said she just likes feeling like herself. I guess she didn't feel like herself around me. I asked her to ruin any hope I have and she said she couldn't do that. She also said "I think about how you acted on occasion, I think about us a lot, but I think about the bad things" So I ended it by saying "so it sounds like you have made up your mind" She said "I never said I made up my mind." It mainly sounded like she wanted me to change and I had told her about things that I have changed.

On the day after I felt like the conversation never ended so I mainly told her on the phone that she needs to put the past behind her. She needs to forget about the bad things if we are too start over. I also told her that she is most likely too stubborn to want to get back together. I said her stubbornness would get in the way if she even wanted to give me a chance. I was trying to challenge her to prove me wrong.

So for the next 2 weeks I maintained constant contact. Mainly me calling her. Yes, very stupid of me. She called me maybe once. The conversations were very one sided. She never asked me what I was doing, where I was going or how everything was. It was all about her. She also asked me if I was coming to her graduation party. I said I probably would. I feared seeing her in person because I hadn't seen her in about 6 weeks at this point. I had to face my fear and go to this party. I had made many changes and I wanted her to see.

So about 2 days went by where I didn't call her at all. She called me on the day of her party to ask If I was coming. I was joking around and said "sorry I can't make it" She said "awwww you suck, are you serious" I finally told her I was joking. I showed up half way through her party. My plan was to maintain tight contact and show up at this party. Then cut all contact for good after that. Well things went rather well at her party. I remember one point where I was just talking to one of her girlfriends for a second and my ex came and said "what are you doing" in a strong tone. I expected her to ignore me most of the time but she paid the majority of her attention to me. Some family drama broke out and somehow I was the negotiator for it. The strange part is that she asked me to stay because she didn't want to be left alone with the few people that were still there. They were her work friends, mostly girls. I thought she was comfortable with them? So I stayed and eventually all her friends left. Next thing you know I'm rubbing her legs and feet. She feel asleep and after about an hour of sitting there I decided it was time for me to go. She woke up and said I could stay there with her. I said I had to get going. She wanted me to text her when I got home. So I texted her that I made it home OK.

Next day she texts me "thanks for staying late with me" Stupid me replied "I would have stayed the night but I wasn't sure how comfortable you would be". She sent a few other texts thanking me for coming and for her card/gift. I told her I had a lot of fun etc. Later that night she texted again and said she was at some restaurant that I love. How nice of her to rub that in. She was with her cousin but it would have been nice if she asked me. But wait, I'm her so called friend. Her friend that she doesn't ask to do anything with and never asks about my life. You see where being their friend gets you? We exchanged a few more text messages. Damn I hate the guy that ever invented phone text messages.

Day after that, she texts me later and asks why my mom's phone is always busy. She had invited my parents to that party at the last minute but they didn't go. My mom did give me a card/$ to give her. So she wanted to call my mom to thank her. So later I find out my mom just came out and asked her what she is thinking and why we aren't back together. Oh man, what was my mother thinking? I'm a grown man. Then my mom asked if she was seeing anyone. My mom also asked her that if she moves on to let her know so she can tell her son(me). I didn't know what to say when my mom told me how the conversation went. I never warned my mom to please stay out of our situation but this felt like a tragedy. The ex texted me after that to let me know she spoke with my mom. I texted her back. Later that night my stupid pitiful self called her. We talked briefly and she invited me to her 2nd graduation party from the other side of her family(divorced parents). I told her I would go if she really wanted me to. She said her mother would be hurt if I went to her dad's side and not theirs. I guess her mom wants to see me. And supposedly my ex wants to see me. I asked her if she thought it was a little strange that I go. She said "who cares what my relatives think, you are my friend"

Funny, I'm her friend. "friend" If this is how she treats a friend then I don't even want to be her friend anymore.

So about 2 days have gone by now. I haven't called her and she hasn't sent one text. Do you all see where this gets you? I'm learning the hard way that you can't be their friend. I have to go to this 2nd graduation in 2 more days. Maybe I don't have to go but my heart says go. It is like some kind of drug, every time I talk to her or see her I get a fix. But that fix only lasts for a few days. I have been feeling slightly more happy and haven't shed a tear in a while. This has all been so ruff on me. I'm definitely doing this to myself.

I need to finally take a stand and quit contact. I think this 2nd party will be the last I see of her. She never initiates contact or asks me to see a movie etc. Should I even go to this 2nd party?

Also, why the text messages? Why can't she just call me?

Through all this time she has genuinely not seen anyone. Several people have confirmed this and she has told me too. Her dad even said she has not seen anyone. I think it is only a matter of time if I keep being her lame friend. She will eventually meet someone. I also made the mistake of telling her I haven't seen anyone at all. I had told her I am holding onto hope but not sure how much longer it will last.

Many other little things have happened in between all the above but I was as brief as possible.

I would not go, just delaying healing process.

That's a tough call. I don't understand the not calling either (the same thing happened to me). I think rather than being your friend she's just being friendly and confusing the two.

With the 2nd party you're kind of put on the spot. I'd say if you like her mother and you get along and she wants you to go, than go. But that's it. After that you need to give some time and space. But whatever you do, stop telling her you are waiting around for her, and avoid talking about the relatinship, unless she brings it up.

Good luck and stay positive.

I once saw Mckenzie tell someone to take their cell phone and seal it up in plastic baggies. And then go to a deserted place and bury it for a while(months). I'm really starting to consider that option because I have not been strong enough to resist the urge of calling her. Technology eventually ruins things, I miss the days when there were no cell phones, no caller ID etc. We usually had one home phone, no call waiting and no answering machine. We all have our good and bad qualities. My worst quality is I don't have the strength to be tough and end the contact. If I was tough then I'd not go to this party and avoid any call if she actually ever does call. But you all know, I'll go to this party, have a good time and she'll text me the next day.

Instead I'm always calling her and ignoring everyone's advice. She will never come back if I keep calling her without her initiating anything more than a cheap meaningless text message.

Oh yeah. Things are much more complicated today than they should be. Mckenzie had a good idea, but then what about email and msn, etc. You need some kind of self control.

Instead I'm always calling her and ignoring everyone's advice. She will never come back if I keep calling her without her initiating anything more than a cheap meaningless text message.
No Contact is for you to heal, and not to get the ex back.

No Contact is for you to heal, and not to get the ex back.


It could be used in some way to get him back and if she does not come back he will heal in the mean time...

Contact will onlyu dely the healing process and at the same time delay any chan=ce of her returning and will only allow her to dictate the relationshiop and do what she wishes..

In the end if she really did want to be with you she would be so she obviously does not want to be with yoyu...

Listen sand you should nopt go to this party what you should do is call up tonighht and set things straight. Say yourve had a good think about things and your ready to try and be in a relationship and if she doesn't feel she is ready to give it a go, then that's fine but your going your own way cause it won't be fair to your next girlfriend to be in contct with your ex. Tell her this notyhing else don't say anything about if she wants she's a chance let her know exactyly what I told you to say above.. DO NOY GO TO THE PARTY!! WHY ARE YOU GOING?? Don't START THIS CRAP ABOUT HER MUM LIKES YOU TURN THIS ON HER DAUGHTER IF SHE Doesn't SEE YOU AS A DATINMG OPTION THIS HER MUM SHOULD KNOW..

Don't GO LET HER KNOW WHERE THINGS STAND SHE GETS ALL OF YOU OR NONE LET HER AND HER MUM KNOW YOUR NOT IN THE GAME ANYMORE AND TURN THE GOD DAM PHONE OFF ALL WEKEND>>..

I know exactly what you mean. In my mind I think that if she sees me more then she will think about me more. Or this could be her chance to try and get back together. But we have all been through this, there is a 1% chance of that happening. As you can all see the only thing I have not tried is complete no contact. I have to exhaust all options or my mind will bug me down the road. I've run out of options, being her friend is torture and doesn't bring her any closer to me.

Mckenzie. I told her that she couldn't call me and I wouldn't allow her to string me along when we broke up. And she has stuck to the no calling me thing. But I'm the idiot calling her. I think my last option is not to call her anymore, and it really isn't an option. I'm torn between going to the party and not going. It feels like the last time I will see her. After the party I am gone, and I owe it to you guys and myself. I'm not going to give her any explanation. She can wonder why I don't care anymore. I already tried to worry her when we broke up that I was going to meet someone else and that didn't phase her.

No contact is what I will do after the party. I know there is no guarantee it will wake her up but I can't keep torturing myself. Yes it will be a slight shock to her if all of a sudden I don't call her anymore. But it is time to worry about myself. Time for me to spoil myself and not care what she is thinking. It has been 2 months and 4 days since the break up. I've tried all I could and I give up after this 2nd party!

I guess I'll look on the bright side. At least I haven't broken down and begged her to come back. Or even ask if she will just give me a chance.

Is there anyone here that I can mail my phone to? I want to mail someone my phone and they are not allowed to mail it back to me for a set amount of months. But of coure I'll supply return postage. I need to heal and get over this. I don't think I'm tough enough to resist if she does call me when I'm trying to escape.

But it is time to worry about myself. Time for me to spoil myself and not care what she is thinking. It has been 2 months and 4 days since the break up. I've tried all I could and I give up after this 2nd party!

YOU ALMOST HAD ME FOR A MINUTE!
Boy, are you tough, and determined. Okay, if you cannot go to have a good time, and show the world what a great guy you are to be around, don't go!
You really have nothing to prove, but that you love yourself.

Im going to a party where my ex will be at next Saturday week and well I wasn't going toi go but why notr go have a good time hell she might see what a great time I'm having and want me back... probably not but ioll go its my friends birthday why should I not be there...

I didn't thinkyou should go but you should go talk to oithers meet some other people have a good time what ever you do don't stay there don't let her con you show her yourve got other things to do...

Mckenzie, you are right and you shouldn't hide. But at the same time make sure you're strong enough to see her so you don't fall back down. And you need to keep self control so you don't do or say anything you might regret after (in other words easy on the alcohol). Like what if she's there with another guy? Just be careful, and hope for the best, but prepare yourself mentally for the worst.

Cheers,
Samesame

Boy oh boy. Prepare yourself for the worst. If she shows up with some guy that will set you back pretty hard.

Samesame, Mckenzie. Look at all our stories. We were dumped, tried hard to get back with the ex for months, began no contact after 2 months or so. And no results. I was all about the strategy but we all have used the same strategy.

The only strategy that counts is the one that allows you to heal, and think and act in your own behalf in a healthy way. The sooner you get the clouds of emotion out of your head, you can see things in a realistic way, and make solid, healthy decisions as to how to deal with what your going through. I think right now you are your own worst enemy and your shooting yourself in the foot, AGAIN. Sorry guy, it just if your going head long into a brick wall, at least wear a helmet. Reread McKenzie's post, and see how long it took him to put his helmet on. I mean no disrespect, to either of you.

I agree talaniman. I was all about strategy in winning her heart back. There is no strategy when it comes to getting a loved one to come back. But what I do see is that being their friend is tough/prolonging and doesn't help them make a decision. However no contact helps to clear your mind and maybe, just maybe will make them miss you.

Mckenzie, You and I both came to this site about same time, I'm about a month healtheir then you. But I still don't ever want to see my ex with new guy. I know I'm not that good too see her with someone. So I would not go my friend.

So I went to the 2nd grad party. Boy did I feel strange. Ex met me outside and we went in and met everyone. It is hard to hug and converse with all the relatives when you think you may never see them again. They are all about hugs and I must have given probably 40 hugs when I got there. She hung out with me for quite some time but I started to realize that there wasn't much to talk about with her because she never asks about my life etc. Sometimes I felt as if she was disappearing every time we sat somewhere together. She kept switching locations she was sitting and even at one point asked me to pull a chair up with her. I can't describe how strange it was. She was looking as beautiful as ever. We ate together and talked a little bit. After a while one of her very good girlfriends showed up and she hung out with her for a while. I guess this is what you get when you come as "the friend". Maybe I was just overeacting but it started to feel as if it was time to leave. I didn't want to keep following her around like a lost kitten.

I talked with her stepdad for a while, I didn't bring up anything about me and her. He said he noticed how when the girlfriend showed up she kind of disappeared to the kitchen for a while. I tried not to voice my opinion with him. He did say she is making a big mistake and one day she will realize what she has lost. He told me to never bail her out when she needs help. He said she is burning many bridges and just let her fall on her face. It is an odd feeling having all her family on my side. She doesn't really owe me much so I can't blame her for visiting with everyone else, including her best girlfriend. At one point while talking to her stepdad I felt the tears start to form and come to my eyes. I quickly stopped myself from allowing the tears to form. This is when I decided it was time to get the heck out of there. I told him I had to get going and started to say goodbye to everyone. I told the ex I was taking off and she actually gave me a frown suggestion. She asked if I was going to eat some of her cake. I said I had enough dessert. What I was really looking for was for her to ask me to stay. But she didn't ask and I didn't want to over welcome my stay. I was the ex and it was a very strange feeling. The whole party lasted for about 7 hours and I only stayed for 3.

While saying goodbye her mother, brothers, stepdad etc asked why I never come vistit them or call anymore. Her brother even asked for my cell number and I told him my ex had it. In the back of my mind I was thinking "sorry i'm the ex, I can't hang out with you all anymore and I may never see you again". My ex made me an extra plate of food to take home and a bag of fruit. She gave me a hug goodbye and I told her to take care of herself. She said she would call me later. She said to be careful driving home. That was the first time I heard the "be careful driving" in a long time. Why be careful? I didn't have anything to drink besides water and pop.

So I drove home wiping tears from my eyes. I probably shouldn't have gone to this 2nd grad party. Moral of ths story "you can't be friends with someone you still love deeply"

She texted me later that night. Yes, a freakin text message. No phone call, just a text. It said "Thanks for coming, I hope you had fun". I let the text go for now. I didn't respond and I'm not even sure what I should respond with. I'm done calling her, I finally feel that I have tried everything I could besides asking her to give me one last chance. Not real sure If I should even text her back.

I think this is the perfect set of circumstances to make your exit. Leave it on a high note. Walk away and do absolutely NO CONTACT. It doesn't get a better time than this. You know it's not your place anymore. Keep your dignity and be strong.

Not sure if you should text her back?? My friend its time to move on, and not hold on to a maybe anymore. If she cares that much, she will understand and if she really cares, she will find you. For now make your healing a priority.

Yes talaniman. I am my own worst enemy. You are very correct again. I texted her back 24 hours later and said "Yeah I had fun, Thanks for the the 2go food". She text back "no prob."

I can officially say I'm done calling her and will not initiate any texts. Not really sure what to do when and if she calls me. I did 3 weeks of solid contact, initiated by me up until these grad parties. And now I'm completely cutting contact. I'm taking talanimans advice and going to heal.

One question though for talaniman. You have been on here for quite some time offering loads of great advice. You are definitely about moving on/healing but do you ever think of strategies to win back someone that left you because they aren't sure how they feel? Or is it always best to cut contact and move ahead?

You are absolutely correct though. They will find you if their feelings are strong enough.

You are definitely about moving on/healing

Sand, I absolutely think we make better decisions and take better action with a clear sober mind that is not clouded with emotions and fantasy. That's it in a nutshell, and if you read these threads, on this forum, you will find how blinded you become during, and after a relationship goes sour.


But do you ever think of strategies to win back someone that left you because they aren't sure how they feel?

I have probably tried every trick in the book, and have come to accept if they(partner) are confused, no on can read their mind or feelings, and we waste a lot of time trying. Get over your own confusion, and as you know who you are, you figure out what you want and how best to get it. Knowing yourself is a key to life and health, and being happy with yourself. Do you really think I would be married to Mrs Perfect, if I was still stumbling over past memories?? You never know what tomorrow brings, so get, and try to keep your own act together.


Or is it always best to cut contact

For your own health and happiness.


Move ahead?


Get over your bruised ego and hurt feelings, the sooner the better, because you have to be ready for what life brings and deal with it, from a position of health and being happy with yourself.

They will find you if their feelings are strong enough.
Them, or someone else??

As you have been advised many times in the past let this one go mate... The sooner you let it go the sooner you will get your response and the ansewr you are looking for...

I know you want to get her back but NO CHANCE AT THE MOMERNT nad with what you are doing NO HOPE Let her be let her go let her know what she is missing... No more parties NOPTHING

Ok. So about 4 days have gone by since the last text message episode. I have not initiated any contact to her. I used to contact her almost everyday for 3 weeks up until these parties. And I quite doing all that after the 2nd party. I'm sure she is wondering why I don't call her anymore. So yesterday I get a text out of the blue "did you get your car?"

I had told her at one of the grad parties about a car I was getting. So now she is asking. I let the text go for about 8 hours. I replied with a simple vague "nope. long story" She replied asking a few other things and I kind of quit texting her back after her last reply. I am feeling much better than 2 months ago but part of me won't give up. Yes like most of us. I want her back but not sure If I should completely disappear. The tables have kind of turned because now out of nowhere I don't call her anymore like I did for the past month. She is the one initiating any conversation, but in the form of a text.

Yes another simple text message. Does anyone think she is too shy like in the beginning of our relationship when we only talked on AOL? We used to chat for hours on the internet and I would call her sometimes. She was shy or something and didn't call me much. But after a while we called each other equally and got away from the internet chat. Yes, kind of a stupid question. Why would she be shy and not call me instead of text messages after we spent years together.

Why would she be shy and not call me instead of text messages after we spent years together.
Your making an assumption about her shyness. Texting is really the easiest way to contact someone. Back off and be unavailable.

Yeah, I think Tal is right. And I think after 3 weeks, she got used to the attention of you contacting her and she's looking for it again. I don't know what the right thing to do here is, but if I was in your situation I would reciprocate, but just the way you are... vague simple (but polite) answers. But do not initiate contact yourself.

Yeah. Before when she would text me I would get all excited and call her. But she only sent a few texts in the past. I was the one who was always chasing her.

I know contacting her first is out of the question. But I'm starting to wonder what would happen if I completely ignore these texts. I guess I'm worried that if I ignore a text she will become stubborn again.

And I think after 3 weeks, she got used to the attention of you contacting her and she's looking for it again.
I am leaning that way myself, she still wants to keep contact. I think the real issue is her motives and agenda. Either way Sandstorm, I think you would see things clearer, if you weren't so freshly hurt from the break up. Healing has to be a priority. Until that has been achieved, don't contact her, so work very hard on yourself.

talaniman agrees: I think she is used to the attention, but is he ready for friendzone??


Friendzone. That sounds like a scary place I don't want to go.

Sand STOP answering these messages. CUT ALL CONTACT!!

IF she really wants you she willlet you know. She's feeding you biscuits at the moment and you munching themlike her puppy!! You are afraid if you don't reply she will become stuborn.. there you go worrying againwhat might happen instead of growing some balls and takimng control and saying hay I Won't REPLY I WILL DO WHAT I HAVE BEEN TOLD over and over and over again and I will totally disappear and if she does want me she will contact me! This stuborn crap is absolute rubbish if she I interested in you NOTHING will stop her friom trying to get you back! DO NOT ANSWER ANY TEXTS How many times do you have to listen to this... How long is this going to go o for!! Ill goive you the answer TILL SHE FINDS A NEW GUY AND THEN STOPS MESSAGING YOU MATE!!
So why keep answering and let her have you till then.. HOW STUOID OF YOU< Don't LET HER HAVE YOU AND DRAG YOU ALONG< TAKE A CHANCE Don't REPLY AT ALL! WAIT TILL SHE WRITES I WANT YOU BACK AND TILL THEN ITS OVER!!

Yes she is throwing me bisquits. I'm not eating them right away but ,I'm letting them sit on the floor for half a day or more and then eating them. I will continue to listen to you all. I'll stop eating those bisquits.

Does backing off and being unavailable involve ignoring these text messages completely?

Mckenzie. You originally advised me to be vague and answer the texts late with short answers. I haven't contacted her one bit and she is texting me. I have let her texts go for half a day or more before I respond.

I'm confused at that to. I think u have to realize when you're being played and when she has interest. The other thing is the contraditory advice I see. People say no contact and they will come back, and then when people post that their ex came back people say to move on. I know moving on is the right choice in many circumstances, but it can't be for all. You can't be blind, deaf and dumb because of stubbornness to what could be a second chance.

That being said you can't let the hope rule your life to only bring you false hope and dissapointment or stagnation. And in a break, space is important.. NC space. All I'm saying is that it's not always black and white when it comes to love/relationships. There is a big grey area, and that's why no one has it figured out.

I guess I should look back on how this all played out. I contacted her for weeks on end and didn't really get anywhere besides went to some grad parties and nothing really happened. I was her friend and she didn't really ask about my life. Now I'm not contacting her and acting super mysterious. She is texing me now and I'm replying late. I guess take this to the next level and cut contact until she actually tries harder. She has never really had a long period of not talking to me. Like mckenzie has said, she has never been able to feel the void. I also need to heal more and clear my mind.

Just got a few more texts from her today. Saying something about some sandwich I recommended months ago. I only replied to one of them. Yes mckenzie, shoot me. The roles have really reversed here. I have made no attempt at contact and she has been reaching out hoping I will call her. Or maybe she is throwing bisquits.

I was going to mail my cell phone to my uncle for a few months so I could get away from it. Wish I did that now.

SameSame. You were 100% correct about doing absolutely no contact after the 2nd graduation party. Leaving on a high note.

Talaniman,mckenzie. Very correct. I should have backed off and been unavailable.

Well after that 2nd grad party about 1 1/2 weeks went by when I didn't contact her. She had texted me a few times for about 3 days, as I posted about before. Well I was talking with my sister in law on labor day and she said she ran into my ex at her work. Oh brother! She asked my ex why we weren't together etc. I wish my relatives would stay out of my life. The sister in law didn't really know any details about my break up, so she took it on her own to ask my ex. And I should know better than to listen to a sister in law. My sister in law said my ex isn't seeing anyone, and she wants me to make some changes with my trust issues etc. The sister in law told me I'm being too stubborn and my ex really misses me and wants me to chase her. My ex never told my sister in law that she wanted me to chase her, this was an assumption. Sister in law suggested having a serious talk with my ex and lay it on the line. To tell her that I'm moving on if she doesn't want to get back together. Why in the world did I even think that would be a good idea?? Sister in law didn't know about how I've been trying to get back together.

So you guessed it, I called the ex and said I needed to have a serious talk with her. 1 1/2 weeks after that 2nd grad party when I should have done no contact 100%. She said "yes, that is fine. will it be ok when I get off work?" I replied "sure"

So we met up at my place. I just came out and told her I miss her, she replied and said she misses me too. I asked when she missed me the most after we broke up. She told me she missed me the most after the 2nd graduation party. That's right, the 2nd grad party when I should have left on a high note and did absolutely no contact. Why was I even thinking the sister in law had a good plan. I asked my ex how she has been feeling about us and she said for some reason she thinks about the bad things. Arguments we had before etc which were only about 1% of all the things we experienced. I tried explaining to her that the bad things were only a tiny part of all we have experienced. She named some of the bad things and I should have just agreed. But I had to explain why all this happened and back myself up. Such as when I was sick for a year and she was taking way too many hours at school. This was for the last year of our relationship and pushed us to this break up. And times when I got mad and acted out.

I just came out and asked her if we could get back together. She replied with a nice "no". I said I have been waiting and waiting since we broke up and I've been trying and trying. I told her I give up. I'm done trying and I don't care anymore. She said that I never really gave her time to herself, she is correct. The longest we didn't talk was about 2 weeks. I told her that I was trying to be her friend and that it is impossible to be her friend. She said she would only get back together if she was certain.

I asked if she had to see other guys in order to be certain and she said she was concentrating on her career and wasn't even thinking about dating right now. She said she has no idea when she will become certain if we should be together. She said it could take a year and that she doesn't know what is going to happen. And she said she feels bad and doesn't want me waiting around for her. And said that wouldn't be fair for me to wait. She said if you waited and we didn't get back together then that would be very cruel. I asked how she would feel if I had a serious girlfriend and she decided she wants to get back together. She said she would feel horrible and regret letting me go.

I recapped and asked what is the main thing that is keeping us from getting back together. She said she needs to be certain that we are meant for each other. I held her hand while we were standing at the door and told her again that I have tried so hard to make this work, I've changed many things about myself and that I have waited too long. I told her I'm giving up and that I'm losing one of my best friends. She had tears in her eyes which started to roll down her face. I told her that I have officially given up and that I can't be her friend anymore. She said she understands. I finished it by saying that " I'm going to continue to improve myself and i've lost all hope for us, I give up."

I'm done trying

THE END.

Good!!

I regret having this needy conversation. I must of seemed so needy and pushed her even further away. I don't think it was good. What I am sure about is that I should have listened to everyone's advice and never had this final conversation.

Now I'm just mad at myself for having such a talk.

What's done is done. The past is nothing but in your head now. Reality is now. Stick to NC and let the emotional dust settle.

Hi Sandstorm,

I am dealing with the same situation where my ex (bf of 5 years) broke up with me and told me that he isn't in love with me anymore basically out of nowhere. I have reason to believe that he suffers from depression, because of the constant flux of emotion, stress/anxiety, and pushing away those you love. However, unlike your ex, who contacts you, mine refuses to talk to me or maintain any contact with me at all.

Just like you, I value the relationship tremendously and want to give him the time he needs, yet let him know I'm there for him. Looking back on everything that you went through, do you have any advice for me?

Thanks!

Well, you can take as much advice as you want but in the end you will make your own decision. That is the reason why talking to no one and pretending to move on or at least try and be happy and not mention your ex to anyone is a good idea. Cone on mate the problem with discussing the situation with others, especially females!! They don't know the story they are just going off what they think they wuld want a guy to do if they were in the situation. Most girls say I want him to chase me and so fourth when this is not what they really want they ant a man who is in charge and is the winning prize someone they want to chase after. Why should you run after them, there are millions of guys chasing girls be the odd one out have the girl want you thatis how it works. PRIZE PRIZE!!

You're the catch she is losing THE BEST FRIEND!!

Don't listen to people who do not know about relationships , most times people menion thing to say their mums or sisters and they say things like well it wasn't meant to be or she wasn't the one or get her some flowers tell her your sorry!!

WRONG~!! You did nothing wrong except suck up!! If she doesn't want you GOOD ridance she looses and if she is an honest and great girl she will realise this!!

You give total NO contact now no more oping no more listening no more discussingf!! She may now send you a message saying hope you feel OK. ITS OVER MATE!!

Yes Mckenzie. I saw the sister in law today and told her that what she thought was a good idea was completely idiotic. I must have come across as so needy and helpless to my ex. All of this has probably pushed her even further away. I have no reason to contact her anymore. I said I give up and I mean it, I have finally set my mind free of the urge to keep trying. She left with tears in her eyes and she really has lost her best friend. The best friend that always was there for her no matter what time of the day. The best friend who took her out to eat all the time and paid, the best friend who rubbed her legs, back and bum every night.

Pinkrazr. I always thought I could find a reason but you will never read their mind. Don't even try. My advice is to not call them and disappear. Steer clear of their family and relatives. Act like you don't care and make sure your family members stay the F out of it. Most of us on here speak through experience learned the hard way. I should have listened to all the advice given a few pages back here.

Look at samesame, mckenzies and my stories. Do the opposite

NC is for the best, if your in communication with the ex is best to get out now. When you do nothing then nothing can be done to make it any worse!

Sounds like progress Sandstorm, but it also sounds like you're running on frustration which is making you stronger now. Be careful for the wiplash/withdrawl that could come after when those feeling subside. You could start questioning what your choices now in a couple of days and fall back into the same mess of heartache and self pity because the realization that she's never coming back sets in. Hopefully it doesn't come to that in your case, but that's what happened to me. Still a rollercoaster. Today I heard some things about her and what she's doing and it's been the worst day since the break up. Stay strong bud and hang in there!

Well samesame. You were correct about when I should have done absolutely no contact. You see she missed me the most after the 2nd grad party. I found it strange she missed me more after the 2nd party versus right after we broke up. I was calling her all the time up until that party so it didn't make sense. I wish I had listened to you all.

Yes I did get some answers and I have nothing else to try. I regret having the conversation and should have let it be after the 2nd party. The tears in her eyes threw me off because I always thought she was over all of this. I don't call her anymore and she doesn't call me. No more texts, but it is better this way.

I know what you mean about hearing about the ex and having it bother you. I've become rather good friends with my exes cousin and for some reason he thinks there is a better chance than I think. He always says how much respect she has for me and how highly she speaks of me. She told him recently that I was the only one that was always there for her. I'm not going to get my hopes up anymore. He always wants to hang out but I need to disconnect from anyone that is close to her. I'd rather just quit talking to him because eventually my ex will use him to find out what I'm up to. I'd rather not let her know what I am doing and I don't want to know what she is up to.

That's a tough situation you are in with the cousin but you have to take care of yourself now, and the easiest and right way to do it (and I say that lightly because there is nothing easy about any of this), is to cut off anything related/reminding of her. For your own health and well being. Curiousity and your thoughts are hard enough to wrestle without the negative effect of constant reminders. Do it now and start counting the days of progress... day by day, then week, by week, and so on.. . Like I said before it's a long road. I'm 5 - 1/2 months broken up and 2 months of No Contact and overall I am better, but her and this situation still has a huge influence on me. Yesterday when I heard about her I was so nervous I was shaking and useless the entire day. I couldn't believe it. Anyway, it just means more time is needed. If you sincerely loved and cared for this girl (like I did and do mine), from what I hear, I'm guessing 6 months before it starts to really get easier. Unless you meet someone new. But I know with me, I have no serious interest in any other girl right now.

But anyway, forget about the past. What's done is done. Today is a new day and a chance to do things the way you want. Make a plan and stick with it.

Let us know how it goes. All the best!

Best to limit contact with her cousin for a while.

Thanks tal. I'll limit my contact with her cousin.

Samesame. Yes things are starting to set in pretty good. Rather bummed out and low for the past few days. I think it has been about 10 days since that serious talk. 10 days of not talking but I'm going to quit counting. I have no reason to call her anymore.

I left this part out from the serious talk night. So when we had that serious talk the one night. She went out to eat with her girls afterwards and I forgot to have her get her bag of pictures. So I had called her that night when I had the serious talk to have her stop by on the way home to get them. Well what did she do. She called me after she passed my exit on the highway and asked if she could get them another day. I was a little aggravated because I didn't want her to have to come get them later down the road. I didn't want to give her a reason to contact me. I felt that the night of the serious talk was the last I'd have to see her. So I could begin 100% no contact to heal.

Well fast forward 10 days up until now. 10 days have gone by with zero contact. I get a text today from her. It is obvious I have a long road ahead of me. Just seeing her name in a text bothered me. I was actually afraid to open the text to see what it said. I opened it and it read "I just remembered that I haven't gotten my pics. Can u leave them on the front porch and i'll get them? I have 2 of ur belts that I'll leave for you."

I was going to completely ignore it but I didn't want to seem like some idiot that wouldn't give her stuff back. I need these things out of my place so I can ignore any attempts at contact. I simply replied with "Do you really need them right now?"
She replied "No. I have to work at 3 and thought I could grab them today. Just let me know when u can put them out please. Thanks."

I've left it here. I didn't reply to the 2nd message and I'm not sure if I want to. I need to get these things to her but I don't want to act like I'm just sitting around my house doing nothing. Which is actually the reality right now. I was thinking of just dropping them off at her moms so I don't have to reply to her anymore. And telling her mom that I was up their way for work and wanted to drop them off. She doesn't live with her mother so I won't have to see her. Does this sound like a good idea? Leave them at her moms and don't even bother texting my ex back? I honestly don't want to even give her the short moment of happiness of stepping in my yard.

I think u might be complicating a simple thing here. Put her stuff in a box and mail it. And/or, just text her and say I'm going to be away or out and your stuff is on the porch, come and pick it up. The end.

Well I decided to take her stuff to her mothers. That way I don't have a reason to contact(text) her. So I ended up contacting her mom to let her know I'll be up their way and that I have some things to drop off for the ex. The ex doesn't live with her mom but always visits. I just thought I would quickly drop the belongings off and be on my way real quick. Boy was I wrong.

Her mom calls me that day to make sure I'll be there soon and said something about dinner. "dinner?" What was I getting myself into again. I thought I was going to just drop this stuff off but her mom wanted me to have dinner with her and her step dad. I couldn't be rude so I had to eat dinner with them. I even had to take her mom to the pizza shop to pick up the food. I did my best to not ask or talk about my ex but her mom brought up that she doesn't know what her daughter is thinking and that she is making a mistake. I just told her mom that I give up and I don't care anymore. Her mom kept saying how it doesn't make sense that she isn't dating anyone. I told her mom that it is only a matter of time.

This was all a bad idea. I sat with her mom and step dad and ate pizza. They said how my ex said my place was peaceful and that it is annoying at her dad's where she lives. I was doing my best to not ask any questions about the ex. I had to steer the conversation and started asking tons of questions about their lives. Then we talked a little about what I've been up to but I did my best to be vague. She also mentioned that I didn't wish my ex happy birthday a day ago but I told her mom I didn't forget and that we don't really talk anymore so there was no reason to.

Then I find out that my exes grandmother passed away about 6 days before this. Which was about 1 week after my needy conversation with her. Her mother couldn't believe that my ex didn't tell me but my ex told her mom that she didn't want to bother me. So now I know that my exes grandmother has passed away and I'm not sure if I should tell my ex sorry. I did my best to get out of the ex's moms house. For some reason they never tell me that we will get back together and work things out. I guess I'm looking for hope but they might know more than I do. I was there for about 2 hours and they were very sad to see me go. It was very painful being there because her mom had tons of pictures of my ex that were all there staring at me. Very painful.

I got a text from my ex later that night that said "thanks for dropping the stuff off, you didn't have to go out of your way" I didn't want to reply to that statement but now my ex knows that I knew her grandmother passed away. I didn't know what to do. My mom suggested not even saying anything about the grandmother but I felt that death was the only reason I would reply. So I replied and hour later with "very sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hope everything is ok." She replied "thanks."

So here I sit today. Me and the ex don't talk anymore. I haven't initiated one text or phone call with her since about 20 days ago when I had the needy conversation that I still hate myself for. Yeah she has texted me about these darn belongings but I simply tried to avoid texting back and took them to her moms. Only to find out her grandmother passed away. It would bother me I guess to not tell her sorry. So I guess it has been 20 days of no contact, not sure if this light text contact counts. I thought I was getting better but today sucks pretty bad. Trying to keep busy but my motivation is shot. I feel as if I'll never find someone I can trust as I did her and as beautiful and funny as her. I've had many past girlfriends and a lot to compare her to. It feels like she will be very hard to replace and that I won't ever have the same feelings for anyone else again. She kind of messed me up permanantely. Like the thought of her will always haunt me whether sleeping, dating or working in the future.

The tough part about all this is that I don't hate her. It would be much easier if the breakup ended with an argument. I can't convince myself that she isn't the one for me. I can't find any faults with her to make me let go. Yes I have given up trying, I won't be calling her ever again. But I can't find a way to destroy that little bit of hope that sits in the back of my head. Feels like I will never move on. I think it is easier when someone dies because you know for sure they won't be back. This is still the worst feeling I have experienced. That darn hope keeps telling me there will be a part 2.

Join the club my friend, as we all feel that way. You will have to work hard to have new memories, new friends and new experiences. You have to build a new attitude, with a new out look, and a new perspective. A lot of new stuff I know, and you will still have the old memories, but not as fresh and overwheming as they are now. Quite a challenge if you think about it that way. In time (and a lot of effort) you will get there. For insights check out the links in my signature.

So here I sit today. Me and the ex don't talk anymore. I haven't initiated one text or phone call with her since about 20 days ago when I had the needy conversation that I still hate myself for. Yeah she has texted me about these darn belongings but I simply tried to avoid texting back and took them to her moms. Only to find out her grandmother passed away. It would bother me I guess to not tell her sorry. So I guess it has been 20 days of no contact, not sure if this light text contact counts. I thought I was getting better but today sucks pretty bad. Trying to keep busy but my motivation is shot. I feel as if i'll never find someone I can trust as I did her and as beautiful and funny as her. I've had many past girlfriends and a lot to compare her to. It feels like she will be very hard to replace and that I won't ever have the same feelings for anyone else again. She kind of messed me up permanantely. Like the thought of her will always haunt me whether sleeping, dating or working in the future.

The tough part about all this is that I dont hate her. It would be much easier if the breakup ended with an argument. I can't convince myself that she isn't the one for me. I can't find any faults with her to make me let go. Yes I have given up trying, I won't be calling her ever again. But I can't find a way to destroy that little bit of hope that sits in the back of my head. Feels like I will never move on. I think it is easier when someone dies because you know for sure they won't be back. This is still the worst feeling I have experienced. That darn hope keeps telling me there will be a part 2.

I feel exactly the same way.

Personally, I've dated women like this in the past... best thing I did was to get up the courage to walk out of their life. Life has enough challenges without drama queens that aren't sure what they want in life. Trust me its familiarity that makes it hard to walk away, we all have experienced it. Easiest thing to do is find another to date and in time you will feel these feelings for her fade. They may never go away completely. You may get lucky and find a woman without her bad qualities. That will make the transition easier.

Yes smoothy, what you say makes sense.

I think this Thursday will be 5 weeks since I last saw her and had a voice conversation. So I guess it has been close to 36 days of no contact. It is strange but I'm not counting days anymore, however I miss her more than anything and would do anything to have her back in my life. I'm deathly afraid of skydiving but I would skydive without a parachute to have her back.

But I need to be realistic, none of that is going to happen. I haven't called, texted, or emailed her one bit. She hasn't tried to reach me at all either. Just those brief texts about her pictures. I was hoping she would at least miss me and call so I could ignore the call. That never happened. But at least she has been very respectful about all this by not trying to string me along. I still hear a few tid bits of info about her but usually I don't even want to know. So far she isn't seeing anyone, oh well someday I won't care to know anymore.

I've been out and about lately and trying to find a decent girl to ask out. This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I've dated many girls in my life and my recent ex is going to be extremely difficult to replace(it felt like I looked 15 years to find someone like her). It feels like she messed me up from being able to fall in love again. I'm going to have a tough time giving love a chance. It is going to suck when I meet someone new. I am going to compare any girl I meet to her.

The only thing that has sort of helped me to move on is to actually understand what she might be thinking. I've put myself into her shoes in a sense. If I didn't care about what an ex was doing and wasn't afraid to lose them then it is obvious how I feel about them. She just doesn't really care for me anymore. I can't picture letting someone go and not being worried about them being sexual or falling in love again. This doesn't bother her so it is obvious how she feels about me.

Rough times. Trying to dig myself out of this hole. Afraid to start over again.

Don't ecpect the next woman you ask out to be the one... or even the one after that. Keep in mind what you are looking for is the right one, and until you go out and get to know other women you won't know which one it is.

Look it it like a shell game, without anyone moving the shells on you. The right one IS out there and you get all the chances you need to find them. But the important thing to remember is you won't find them until you start looking.

You know all the faults this one had... and don't forget those faults. When you think about her remember those faults.. and consider yourself lucky you don't have to live with those faults day in and day out.

It sounds a little confusing but you should try to confort her as much as possible and let her know how you feel about her but maby she just needs her space but if the situation is that helples give up on her because maby you 2 weren't meant for each other

it sounds a little confusing but you should try to confort her as much as possible and let her know how you feel about her but maby she just needs her space but if the situation is that helples give up on her because maby you 2 werent meant for each other

Yeah well I tried for 2 months straight. I called her and called her and called her, which she would only return calls and never initiate them. We would talk, and meet up. I went to 2 of her graduation parties blah blah blah. It was a very peaceful break up. Then I finally told her I give up and that I thought we should be together. She didn't agree and said she doesn't want me waiting around and that she has to be certain if we are to get back together. Whatever that means. I gave up and told her I'm done trying, nothing else to try. We don't call each other anymore and I have no clue what she is really up to. She broke up with me so it is up to her if she cares enough to call. But I don't want her calling just to play catch up. I'm trying to move forward and it has been rough.

Yeah well I tried for 2 months straight. I called her and called her and called her, which she would only return calls and never initiate them. We would talk, and meet up. I went to 2 of her graduation parties blah blah blah. It was a very peaceful break up. Then I finally told her I give up and that I thought we should be together. She didn't agree and said she doesn't want me waiting around and that she has to be certain if we are to get back together. Whatever that means. I gave up and told her i'm done trying, nothing else to try. We don't call each other anymore and I have no clue what she is really up to. She broke up with me so it is up to her if she cares enough to call. But I don't want her calling just to play catch up. I'm trying to move forward and it has been rough.


What's up sand.. im in the same situation as you.. I mean the exact.. I was w my ex for 4 and ahalf years.. except my ex is a litle more stubborn.. she just up and left me one day.. seriously, one day she stopped talking to me, its been 2 months.. the only thing I've got out of her is her saying she needs time away from me.. why'? I don't get it.. she won't tell me anything.. I wrote her a letter today asking her for some sort of explination.. I wish I knew how she felt so I could treat the situation right.. ive already made the dumb mistake of chasing her.. im done playing that role.. so I guess we'll see what happens in time.. thats all you can do in these situations, let time sort things out.. I believe that if 2 people are meant for each other.. its always been said, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, you know its real. Don't think about time, don't think about days, think about nothing but yourself, surround yourself w positive thngs, this is what has worked best for me.. just keep busy..

Your situation is rather strange. Are you 100% positive she isn't seeing anyone? Did you do something real crazy that scared or hurt her? If you are sure about her not seeing someone then I would avoid her for a while. If you do find out she is seeing someone else then I would run real fast. Yes people will say to move on but 2 months isn't very long when it comes to this crap. I would honestly wait it out a month or two longer in your case but avoid contact with her. Wait until she contacts you. Make a set amount of time in your head when you will try to move on. People will probably say to move on. But move on to what? Yeah 4 years is a long time and I doubt you will go and find a replacement right away.

Moral of my story. My ex was completely in love with me for the first 2 years. She was the most jealous person I had ever seen. But somehow it didn't bother me. I was jealous myself but she went overboard all the time. And I wasn't even hanging out with any girls. So as time went on we had some arguments where I reminded her of her dad. Yes, yelling and throwing some crap. I was an idiot. Never touched her but a few times the arguments got crazy. Of the whole 4 years we were together we only had about 3 arguments of yelling. So I guess it wasn't much. Around the last year she wasn't jealous anymore which kind of showed her feelings were fading. Towards the end I slacked off and didn't give her the affection that I used to(cuddling, watching TV with her, going out on dates etc). But that happens to many of us where we take a girl for granted and slack off pretty bad.

Between work and school she was way too busy and I was the unlucky one that caught lyme disease(very long story). I caught lyme disease about half way through our relationship and was rather ill the last year. That is when I was on all sorts of antibiotics to kill the bacteria. I was not myself. I was very sick and extremely depressed due to the bacteria attacking my brain and nervous system. I used any energy I had to work and I would come home and take very long naps. I probably slept about 12 hours per day(night plus naps). The last year is when I really didn't care about much and completely neglected her, but do you blame me? It wasn't any fun and now that I look back on it all she wasn't a very caring person. I'm still on the drugs, I've been taking them for about 15 months. But I am almost symptom free and will be done with them soon. She left me during a critical point in my life. Very weak and uncaring of her if you ask me, I was extremely depressed and she just added to that when she left me. That is why I say I've never felt an emotional pain like this in my entire life. A double dose of depression. I sometimes think she lost her feelings because I was sick and she thought I was going to be like that for the rest of my life. But who really knows or cares, she is gone now and I'm concentrating on getting my life back. Yeah it sucks but I have no choice. She was very vague and told me she has to be certain to get back together. I still miss her like crazy but I keep trying to tell myself that my best friend is gone for good.

Sometimes you don't know what something is like until you get it or it happens to you. We had some major stress factors going against our relatioship. I don't think she ever stopped to realize that the last year of our relationship was a test. And she failed.

Your situation is rather strange. Are you 100% positive she isn't seeing anyone? Did you do something real crazy that scared or hurt her?
I am 100% she isn't seeing anyone.. positive.. I didn't really do anything to hurt her no, but toward the end of the relationship we started going through the motions.. I was exactly like you and just kind of fell off.. didnt care as much, well I did, but I didn't show it.. we rarely went out.. the only time id see her is at night.. she also heard a lot of rumors at the end of our relationship that I cheated on her w 2 different girls.. which is not true at all.. I didn't even talk to the girls.. she never believed me.. I could tell she was unhappy now that I look back.. I was an idiot..

Moral of my story. My ex was completely in love with me for the first 2 years. She was the most jealous person I had ever seen. But somehow it didn't bother me. I was jealous myself but she went overboard all the time. And I wasn't even hanging out with any girls. So as time went on we had some arguments where I reminded her of her dad. Yes, yelling and throwing some crap. I was an idiot. Never touched her but a few times the arguments got crazy. Of the whole 4 years we were together we only had about 3 arguments of yelling. So I guess it wasn't much. Around the last year she wasn't jealous anymore which kind of showed her feelings were fading. Towards the end I slacked off and didn't give her the affection that I used to(cuddling, watching tv with her, going out on dates etc). But that happens to many of us where we take a girl for granted and slack off pretty bad.
EXACT thing happened with me.. except we had many more yelling arguments lol.. we fought a lot.. not toward the end.. but before that..


Between work and school she was way too busy and I was the unlucky one that caught lyme disease(very long story). I caught lyme disease about half way through our relationship and was rather ill the last year. That is when I was on all sorts of antibiotics to kill the bacteria. I was not myself. I was very sick and extremely depressed due to the bacteria attacking my brain and nervous system. I used any energy I had to work and I would come home and take very long naps. I probably slept about 12 hours per day(night plus naps). The last year is when I really didn't care about much and completely neglected her, but do you blame me? It wasn't any fun and now that I look back on it all she wasn't a very caring person. I'm still on the drugs, i've been taking them for about 15 months. But I am almost symptom free and will be done with them soon.
Very very good news, that's great..


She left me during a critical point in my life. Very weak and uncaring of her if you ask me, I was extremely depressed and she just added to that when she left me..
I can somewhat relate to that also.. she left during a weak point in my life to.. I lost my grandmother and my best guy friend in a week.. she knew that I was having trouble coping.. and I was somewhat depressed.. she just piled it on..
That is why I say I've never felt an emotional pain like this in my entire life. A double dose of depression.
I know exactly what you mean!
I sometimes think she lost her feelings because I was sick and she thought I was going to be like that for the rest of my life. But who really knows or cares, she is gone now and I'm concentrating on getting my life back. Yeah it sucks but I have no choice. She was very vague and told me she has to be certain to get back together. I still miss her like crazy but I keep trying to tell myself that my best friend is gone for good.

Sometimes you don't know what something is like until you get it or it happens to you. We had some major stress factors going against our relatioship. I don't think she ever stopped to realize that the last year of our relationship was a test. And she failed.[/QUOTE]
Zach

After reading this post, it has helped me out and has kept me really entertained. Some one should make a movie about these situations. Lol. I am going through the same feelings and emtions as the you have posted. I don't want to tell my long drama full story because the answer seems obviouse of what to do but I love her so much.Weve been together for 8 years since the 8th grade. This past year has been the hardest with so many off and on breakups because of so many factors. At first in the relationship I was the one with no care in the world and now for the past year she is the one who has had the change of heart and does not want me even though I have been close to perfect from giving massages to just being there for whenever she needed me and letting her I will always love her. She has been lately going back and forth of wanting to be with me and then again thinking she is too young and not wanting to be with me. There is so much that happened this past year that I have been a lot more prepared for this break up though even though it is still just as hard. I am trying my hardest not to contact her and just trying to realize enough is enough and its over although hoping for reconciliation. Although I know she is not a very good girlfriend to me its hard because I still can't picture my life without her. Its been 5 long days but I want to thank you people that posted this comments because it's the only time where time doesn't seem like its standing still. And even though I am rooting for both of you to reconcile, giving hope for my situation, I know it is unlikely but still picking my hopes up that the world doesn't end here.

Hi,

Well from a girls perspective ;), I think there were warning signs it sounds like you may have ignored. She told you she wasn't happy, you even admitted that you took her for granted and didn't pay much attention to the fact that she tried to discuss issues with you... not only that but then you lost your temper and began breaking things. As a girl that went through an emotionally combative relationship for 3 years with a guy I was totally in love with... these things are a deal breaker for sure!! I think she does love you, but recognized that this was not a healthy relationship. I loved my boyfriend very deeply, but each time he lost his temper or ignored what I was feeling, that love was chipped away little by little until one day I just couldn't do it anymore. It chips away at yourself esteem to be in an unhealthy relationship, which would explain maybe why she was feeling so depressed. Now this is just a guess... I'm just relating this to what I went through. It doesn't sound like you are a bad guy at all and please don't think I am attacking you... but clearly she was feeling alone in the relationship for a while and it doesn't sound like you noticed. I'm sorry for what you are going through because it sounds like you really love this girl. Obviously she is hurting as well... why don't you let go of this tough guy attitude and tell her how you feel and that you want another shot? You keep saying that you don't want her to see you as a wimp but telling the girl how you feel isn't going to make you a wimp! Maybe she wants to see that initiative now... after all you have given her some space. It's just a thought... hope you get the answers you need or get some closure. Take care and good luck with everything... :)

I would not recommend that. I am sure you have done that already. In the earlier situation I stated, I had changed and then some. Told her how I felt and it just kind of worked against me. And who knows maybe I was too late or maybe just maybe, and not saying this about all girls consiously I pray to god, but maybe she just got what she wanted which was for you to change and appreciate her and now what else is there. No more drama, how boring for her. I stable life with a guy that loves you AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. I've learned my lesson. Right now I feel most girls don't want stability and is another reason why I will not , and nor should you, tell your ex how you feel. What comes from this is drama in her life because there is no doubt she misses you, you will eventually get over it, and (not too sure of this option) she might come around way later down the line. And trust me she knows you still want her. TIME is the ANSWER. I know these crappy comments are cheezy but it helps me remember also.

Sounds like y'all got it pretty much figured out... but from a different point of view... Her side, my side.

No, I'm not your ex... but your story reminds me of a past relationship that I was in. I was with him for almost 6 years. I called his parents mom and dad. He called my parents mom and dad. We went through some really rough times, and some really great times.

Something you have to realize though is that as people get older, they change. They may house all the same habits they have had since they were kids, quirky things -- you know, those things that in the beginning of the relationship they are cute... and eventually they do one of two things... they just become every day things or they start to annoy you. That's besides the point though.

She was unexperienced when it came to long term relationships, while you were the veteran. In my eyes, you saw her for who she was, you accepted her, and loved her... While, I'm thinking, she saw you as the guy she first fell in love with... It's hard to not fall into a relationship rut, and stop doing all the little things that made her fall in love with you to begin with... but then again, in her heart she was already set to move on. I remember when I went through all this -- my at-the-time boyfriend went to spend a week at his parent's house because he had lost his job and I was supporting us alone anyway. I told him to go and have fun, and he was going to help his brother move. I knew he was trying to call me and I wouldn't answer the phone... I just needed a break. I moved everything out. He never saw it coming, but I knew it was going to be sooo hard. I moved in with a friend, (she was my neighbor in the apartments) and when he came home... I knew what I had to do, and I cried. He cried. A lot.

I know that I cared about him a lot. I didn't like to see him hurt. I didn't like that his parents probably hated me. But I say stick with no contact. I wish I had.

About a week later I called... I just wanted to know how he was doing. His mom answered... She told me that he was OK, and that she didn't think I should be calling... and as she was hanging up on me I heard him ask if it was me... and he got on the phone.

I tried not to be cold... but I didn't want to give him hope that I had a change of heart either. It was harder than telling him it was over, just to try to be his friend. It all suddenly became so complicated. We didn't talk for a couple of years.. and then out of the blue, I got a call from him at my parent's house. Things were better, but of course there were always the 'is your new boyfriend better than me' question... sometimes I wonder what ever became of his parent's and him too.. but.. it's just not really worth it to find out either.

Just don't hold your breath waiting for her to call. If she sent a note thanking everyone, that was her end. Cutting all ties. It will be easier if you just accept it and move on. It's a big world, and there's a lot out there for you.

If you need to talk feel free to PM me anytime!

Well I had originally left out all the details about the lyme and stuff because I was worried she might stumble across this story some day. But at this point I really don't care. Jaydee, I'm glad at least something good came out of all this. At least it entertained someone and I hope it has helped you in your situation.

I have my own house and she basically moved in with me for the last year of our relationship. She did have a first love before me but I was the one she experienced the most with and spent the longest with(4 years). I was the one that actually got to meet both sides of her family. I guess her first love was only for a few months. I have my own business that I run and sometimes that required long hours. But anytime she wanted to go and do something I could drop what I was doing in a heartbeat. Yes, too convenient. Anytime she had a problem during her day, I had my cell on me to talk with her, no boss to tell me what to do. I paid the mortgage, mowed the lawan, bought new household items etc and she asked me what she should pay when she moved in. I didn't really want her to live for free so I asked if she could just pay, cable, phone, electric and gas. Came out to about $200 maybe. Nothing like I was paying. Well she had a shopping problem and would always come home with new clothes and expected me to smile when she showed me. To her this was a way to make herself happy, I understood that. To me it was a nightmare, I knew she had bills to pay and every time she would open the bills she would cause a big scene about how much they were. I don't think she realized that if she didn't waste all her $ at the mall then the bills would be no big deal. She was taking way too many hours at school(which I warned her to take it slow and don't rush graduation) and she only worked like 2-3 days per week. We ate out all the time and I tried my best to pay most of the tab. Usually I just had her get the tip and sometimes I had her split it with me.

Yes all the years before I pampered her. I paid every time we went out to eat and towards the last year I was realizing where all my money was going. When we did eat at home I remembered that she only cooked like 3 times for every 20 times I cooked. I'm not saying the girl should do all this but as time went on I had this eerie feeling that she felt all this was only temporary. She shared doing dishes once in a while and took the trash out. But she never went beyond that to make my place look cleaner or better. Never did she try to impress me. She didn't take any interest in my house and never bought any type of decoration to add to it. She only came home with clothes for herself. I would come home with a new plasma for the two of us to enjoy. It really felt like she was just some kind of roommate. I kept getting that feeling that one day she would not be there anymore. I constantly scratched her back, rubbed her legs and feet. But I never got any of that in return. Not that I really cared but she never offered to do it for me. She is one of those that needs to be reminded of how she looks. I tried my best to tell her how great she looked but never did she tell me how I looked. Not once. All of this was so one sided. And maybe that is why I started to slack off with my affection towards her. There was a point where I quit doing all the cute things.

Yes she did think about breaking up long before the actual break up. She did come out and say she was not happy. She said she would be happy with her work friends and then come home to my place. What does she expect? I was sick and didn't have much energy. I should have taken her serious when she said she wasn't happy but I ignored all that. But towards the last 3 weeks of our relationship I tried my best to give her what she wanted. After we broke up she said she thought it was fake and that it pushed her away even more. I could never win, I gave her what she wanted and it pushed her away. I guess I should have just ignored her and the break up would have never happened.

Well avaly, a few pages back I posted about telling her how I feel and asking for a second chance. She denied that and gave me the "I can't get back with you unless i'm 100% certain" excuse. That is when I told her I gave up and haven't contacted her since. It has been about 6 weeks of no contact now.

When we did have fights she did hit me a few times. I never hit her back but I went and broke things. These fights only happened about 3 times in 4 years but it reminded her of her dad. But she had no right to hit me. Somehow I didn't think her hitting me was such a big deal.

Yes this story is getting very repetitive and drawn out. We couldn't have ended the relationship any better than we did. I don't mean to sound like a broken record but I have this strange feeling that her and I will never speak again. I promise you all that I will never contact her first. She has made no attempt to contact me but maybe I respect her that she isn't trying to keep me waiting. It is taking a while for the reality to set in but each week gets a tad bit better. Thanks everyone.

Congrats on making it 6 weeks, I know the first 6 weeks for me were total hell.
It really sounds like this is the right thing to happen anyway just judging by your story above. It wasn't up to you to do more, it was up to her and she didn't. It sounds like you did all you could have.

Best thing you can do is No Contact... and even if she tries to talk to you send her on her way. You went out of your way and she took advantage of you. If she did it once she will do it again so save yourself the grief and find a new woman... I guarantee you the next one will be better than this one was.

Here is what she said after I sent her a letter begging for an explination.. this is the first time she has opened up to me about this what so ever..

Zach,
I am so terribly sorry I have been ignoring you and being a cold hearted... that is not my intention. This is hard to repond to your letter because I do not know the right words to say or even where to start. Our relationship has had its ups and downs... I miss the good times we had and to be perfectly honest I have been lonely and do think you very often.
For a long time we were both going through the motions of being togther, never really acting "inlove". It got to a point where I did not want to hang out with you for the fear of a fight or getting kicked out of your apt. It seemed like everything was conflict between us which made me grow tired and unsure about myself and the way I was being treated. I want you to understand that I do not blame you. It was both of us. Maybe we just weren't compatible, I am not sure? I am the type of person that gives people chance after chance no matter how big or small... But I do have my limit. When that limit is reached I just stop caring, It can be something small it doesn't matter, Its weird I have no good explanation for it. This is just the way I am wired I guess. I wish more than anything I could feel again. I am unsure about love and actually don't believe in it anymore, which is very sad. I want to feel, I want to love and be loved... But I cant. Not now anyway. I have just been hurt one to many times. I sometimes wonder how I could go from worshiping the ground you walked on to not wanting to be with you... the only thing I can come up with is that when I am with you I loose myself, my hopes, dreams, happiness for life, and honestly everything that I like about myself. Over the course of our relationship I went from a strong individual to a weak small minded girl who was dependent on a guy for all aspects of my life... and that is not who I am, or who I ever want to be.
Really sit and think about it Zach... Were you happy when we were togther? Yes maybe 20% of the time but the rest of the time we were fighting. I don't want that. That was disfunctional. I started thinking about the future one day and was like... WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?? If I stay with Zach we could potentially get married or something... what would happen if we got in a fight?? Would he kick me out or leave?? My parents don't do that crap and I don't want that kind of a life someday. I also started thinking about how you don't trust me... If we stayed together you would never let me leave your sight, or just hang out with my friends. NOt to mention you would never come to anything where my family would be there.
One night Kent and I were drunk and talking about you, It was right at the beginning of summer... I said Kent... Do you think Zach really loves me? Or do think I am wasting my time? Then he said one the most eye opening things to me... he said... Kelsey how many years have you and zach been together? And how many times have I seen him? When I first started seeing brooke I hated your dad but I loved brooke and wanted to be part of her life so I went to family things because it was important to her...
He said enough without directly answering my question. Looking back It was never right... we just clashed.
Someday you are going to wake up and thank god that We are not together becaue the life you would have had with me would have been constant turmoil. I know this is hard, its hard for me to... but I know it has to be like this. I am doing both of us a favor and ending this before it gets out of hand and we are dug so deep we can't get out. I love you. You will always always have a special place in my heart. I thank you for showing me love and sharing many great memories with me, I will never forget them. Maybe someday along the road we could work.. But I have no idea. Anything is possible I guess.

And as for you thinking I am seeing someone else that is completely false. I have no desire to get into another relationship anytime soon. I hope this E-mail gives you some kind of closure. I only want the best for you and I hope that you succeed in everything you set out for. I do care and only want the best for you. I hope someday in the near future, after we are both strong and over the backlash of this break up, that we can be friends.


You are a great guy Zach just not a great guy to me! Someday you will find your true love, and when you do treat her right!





Love Always,
Kelsey

Sandstorm, that is really weird. My ex used to hit me on many occasions also and I would just take it. I would not hit her but I would explode and punch walls. The thing that pissed me off most is that I got cut once and stitches even one time. Her close friends befriended her and warned me don't talk to her no more. I loved her so much though and stuck by her side while she was all alone. I thought that was enough to prove how much I loved her and she would never forget it and would always be there for me no matter what. But her friends eventually started talking to her again and seems to have forgotten about us. I don't know why I feel so compelled to be with her still because there is a lot more reasons for me to stay away but I can't. Its almost like a drug. I don't get how someone can forget certain things that another person has done for them and be so selfish. I just hope this way of feeling doesn't effect future relationships even though its going to be a LONG time when that happens

You talk about a blast from the past, do you really think I can't rememeber how it use to be?? I recall so very well , the good days , and let me tell you this, I had to move on and grow, so I could raise my own.The crying and wonder you have now is in the past. It won't take long before you realise, that you can only live in the NOW, because you have to take care of what you've done, and as good as the dope was in the 70/80"s you still have to grow and pass the wisdom, and keep loving your children and theirs today. OMG! What year is this anyway??

Ok so I'm at work on my computer yesterday minding my own business. I'm about 1 week away from 2 months of No contact with my ex. And out of no where an AOL instant message pops up on my screen. This is what she IM's me.

She wrote

"hi"

"I know you prolly don't wanna talk, but I wanted to tell you that I got a job working for so and so company. corp office and now we both work with paint! Sweet."

"ok, bye"

So I've sat on this for a day now and I'm not even sure if this is considered reaching out. It asks nothing about how I've been for the past 2 months. I still miss this girl more than anything and I am very proud that she got this job. This was one of her issues she had when we broke up. She finally found a good job after graduation. I have my own business that deals with paint so maybe she was just thinking of me and wanted to show we have something in common now. I guess it is meaningless that we both work with the same thing because we don't talk. I only wanted to reply and say I was proud and congratulations but I'm just not sure.

Well looks like my relationship has died out, just like this thread. I'm sure these will be my last updates. I'm not sure if I would even call them updates but I don't have a personal journal so maybe one day I'll come back and laugh about all this.

So I replied 5 days later to her texts about her new job working with paint. I just said "hey sounds like you got a good job, i'm very proud of you and I always knew you would find a good job, hope all is well". She replied with something but I don't even remember what she said. Who cares, I didn't reply to that.

At this point I really don't care what she thinks of me anymore. I haven't shed a tear in weeks but I still miss her. So if I reply or when I reply doesn't really mean much anymore. I just replied because I was honestly proud of her.

So about 4 days went by and her cousin instant messages me to tell me that me ex was in an accident on the highway. Oh my, I'll never get away from her life. Now I have a sick feeling in my stomach because I'm worried she is dead. He said he doesn't have any details but just wanted to let me know, and thought it was the right thing to do. So now I know she was in an accident. So after a day of worrying and afraid to break contact her cousin fills me in that she hurt her neck but is OK.

Now I'm torn between ignoring it or being the caring person that I am. So I decide I don't care, I call her mom because my cousin said my ex has been sleeping almost all night and day. I asked her mom how she was doing and found out that she will be OK. So later that night I texted my ex to say "I was saddened to hear about your accident and just wanted to tell you that I hope you feel better and make a quick recovery." She replied with some kind of thanks and blah blah. I left it at that and didn't reply.

Her cousin even mentioned something about kharma. I laughed and didn't want to get into that conversation.

Ok so now I'm not out of the clear. My birthday is like 3 or so days after that. She texts early in the moring with "happy birthday" I replied with "thanks" she replied 3 hours later with "ur welcome".

That is where I leave it, I have nothing important to say to her. I still won't be contacting her. So it has been about 2 months now of no contact. I broke no contact because she was in an accident but that was a tough call on my part.

The guy that invented text messaging needs shot.

Hey Sandstorm,

What is she still doing on your IM anyway. Delete her!! Or block her and have some self control. Why does she keeps contacting you to tell you these things?? I think she misses you too, but that's human nature. Doesn't change the present though. Cut her off and tell the cousin and anyone who knows her to not tell you anything about her anymore.

I've been no contact now for 4 solid months and 7 broken up. Don't get me wrong, I feel like s#%t sometimes still, like today, but it's not as bad as before. Xmas will be brutal I know and other reminders here and there, but cut her off and take it one day at a time. F@#k her for what she put you through. Like, I keep thinking if I should call my ex and see how she's doing or email her, etc. But for what! This person, really doesn't care about me. If I (or you or any ex), disappeared off the face of the earth, she wouldn't even notice and it wouldn't make the slightest difference in her life. You, me and almost every other one who's been dumped, to our ex's, we're just somebody that they used to know.

It's cold out there bud. Cold and bitter, lol. Cheers!

Like samesame said. Take her off your IM and block her from IM'ing you. As long as you let her contact you, and you even consider contacting her for any reason at all you are the one responsible for your misery. Take charge of your life and keep her out of it. Completely.

Well samesame. A lot has changed in about 2 months. What is with your negative attitude? I hope everything is OK on your end. Your tone has never been so mean and bitter. I guess I will be feeling that way soon because I'm a month or so behind you. I swear it was just about a month ago when you started a thread called "when has enough time passed before contacting the ex". Samesame and smoothy. I have no reason to delete her from my IM or whatever. I'm not intimidated by her and she has been respectful about not trying to string me along. The recent contact is rather meaningless.
I never really read into her recent contact attempts. I'm sure she is thinking of me but all I got was table scraps and that is all I will see it as. Her attempts to contact me didn't set me back or bring back old feelings. I still feel the same either way, crappy. Yes it would be a big set back if I saw her in person or heard her voice.

I know down the road it would bother me if I didn't see how she was after the accident. But samesame, what would you do if your exes cousin told you that your ex was in an accident?

One last thing I thought about was how akward it must be for my ex or samesames' to try and get back together with us. I don't think they will come out and ask to have dinner or something. I don't think that day would come but I know it must be hard for the dumper to try and work things out. I guess I watch too many movies. They never show up at your door asking to get back together.

I've been trying to date and it really sucks right now. I guess it is not the right time. I was sexual with one girl and I felt like complete crap the day after. It was an absolute horrible feeling, I can't explain it. I've never been this way after any break up before. It is going to be a long time before I'm back to my happy self. I still think about her and still miss her but again, I won't be contacting her.

I haven't posted here in a while. Truth is, December was a hard month with the holidays. Felt sad and I guess bitter and hurt, maybe that was the reason for the negative attitude Sandstorm. Anyway, has anything changed with your situation? Hope everythings all right. Best!

Thanks for checking back. I'll try to keep this short.

So about 6 weeks went by that I had not spoken to my ex. All of that changed around The beginning of December. Her mother called me to see how I was doing. She asked how I was and if I was dating anyone etc. I avoided the dating question but did not give her a yes or no answer. So we talked for a bit. Then her mom mentioned something about coming up there for christmas(45 min away). I told her I'd get back to her. Tough decision. At this point I had not talked to my ex at all and knew this could open up a serious can of hurt worms.

(6 weeks of no contact) Next day I'm online and out of the blue I get an instant message from an unfamiliar screename that I didn't know. It was obvious who it was. My ex had used her last name as part of her name. I guess this was her work screen name. So yes, we exchanged quite a few instant messages. She said her mom said that I said hello. Funny, I never told her mom to tell her I said hello. Just a nice convenient excuse of her to break the silence. This was about 2 weeks before christmas. So we talked via instant message for a little while. Then the next few days, she contacts me and we talk sporadically throughout our work days on instant messenger.

Then out of nowhere she calls me drunk from her work christmas party one night. Asked if I could come pick her up, it sounded urgent like she was in a situation with people trying to take advantage of her. Yes, stupid me could not resist, I had missed this girl so much and was falling into this pathetic trap. So I went to the bowling alley and picked her up. I knew the people she was with very well and 95% of them were girls. She claimed she didn't trust these people but I know that she has known them for a long time. Total line of B.S. So I brought her to my place where she got sick and threw up. Again, here I was taking care of her like her father or something. She passed out and I basically watched her throughout the night to make sure she didn' choke on her vomit. What a wuss bag I am!

Brought her to her car the next day and the cycle repeated itself. More instant message conversations in the following days, every single day initiated by her to be exact. We joked about the night she was drunk etc etc. This went on up until just before christmas. I was starting to have those feelings like we were on our way back together. She called me the day before christmas to make sure I was coming to her moms and also asked if I could come to the other side of her family's christmas gathering. What an idiot I am. I agreed to go to both christmas events.

So christmas rolls around and I went to her moms to open up gifts in the morning. I got my ex a small gift, nothing special. She got me some things too. This was so bizarre. My ex even brought me pierogies from the night before that she wanted me to try. I got her mom something and they got me something too. So we sat around and opened gifts. I stayed for about 2 hours. Then my ex had to go to her dads and I went to my family gathering. At the end of the night I went out to her aunts where all her relatives were. Everyone kept making comments about me and my ex being back together. I even brought some food for them to eat. Ah hell, what was I getting myself into, I tried so hard to not get my hopes up but it really felt like we were coming back together. We had fun, sang christmas carols(kinda strange, never did that before) and talked with everyone. As the night ended I gave my ex a hug goodbye and was on my way home. Again my ex gave me some left overs to take home with me.

So the following days we are chatting again on AOL instant messenger. At this point I was becoming very suspicious of what was really the point of all this. She also started to text message me via phone in these following days so we now had a night and day exhange of conversation. I never once came out and told her how I felt or asked what her motives were. I'm sure she knew how I felt. Then some more days pass but somehow we aren't talking like we usually do. I think at this piont I was beginning to initiate conversation. It must have been the small chase that she liked.

So the days before new years, things were kind of silent. At this point I start to think that this is all going nowhere. And I was correct. A few nights after new years I run into her at some local bars. Up until this day, ever since the break-up I had made attempts to avoid any pulic place that she might have been. When I saw her she acted kind of strange like she didn't really care to talk much. I think we exchanged like 2-3 sentences and then she claimed her friends were waiting and that she had to go. She said she was going to some bar and that me and my friends should join them. So we go over there and I come to find my ex is extremely difficult to talk to. Every time I try to come up and talk to her, her and her girls go out on the dance floor. Then some new guy I have never seen meets up with them. At this point I had pretty much had it with this rudness. Is this how she treats the guy that was always there for her? For the past 4 years? So I approached her and asked her what the point of all the christmas stuff. She plays stupid and says "what do you mean?" I ask again, why did you invite me to all the christmas stuff? She replies "my mom wanted you to come" I said "ok, i'll see you later"

I felt hurt and betrayed at this point. Also upset with myself for falling into that christmas trap. I gathered up my friends and got the heck out of the bar. Like a sorry sap, I had allowed myself to be hurt again. Yes it was nice that I didn't spend christmas without her but now it felt like she didn't really care if I was there and that it was her mother that wanted me to be there. Or it was her mother that felt bad for me when my ex probably didn't care. So I had quite a few drinks in me. I opened up my cell and let the mean text messages flow. I told her she is selfish, spoiled, careless etc etc. I was very hurt and just let my anger flow through the stupid text buttons. I made quite a few comments how short her conversations were with me that night and it is crappy how she treats someone that would do more for her than anyone she knows. It was all true and I wasn't backing down or holding back. We exchanged mean texts throughout the rest of the night and I went to bed.

I called her the next day because now I felt like I needed to patch things up before I make my final disappearance. So in the days that followed we went back to our little instant message conversations on the computer, mainly initiated by me. Then I finally made up my mind. I will not be a sucker again. I fell hard for this trap and got hurt again. Supposedly her mom was the one that wanted me to go.

So a week later she sends me an instant message via AOL. I completely ignored it. Now I know that she had no intentions of getting back together. It hurt like hell again, I got nowhere with all the christmas stuff. I can't be friends with someone I care too much about. I've stuck with my decision. I never did instant message her back. It has now been 1 1/2 months since that instant message I ignored. I have made no attempt to contact her, and she has made no more attempts to me. I can't get it out of my head "I will not be a sucker again!"

I felt so betrayed and like such a sucker. I don't ever want to feel like that again. So I will not talk to her or her mother again. I felt as if she was using her mother to get close to me. And I don't think her mom will be calling me anytime soon because I called my ex out on that when I sent all the mean text messages that one night. I told her that she uses her mom to find out what I'm up to or get close to me. No contact from here on out.

Samesame. I have no idea how you can get back with an ex. It does more hurt than good.

To this day, I have dated all sorts of girls. So far all I have met is a bunch of losers and wackos. Oh well, I'll keep trying, I have no choice.

Hope all is well!

Hey Sandstorm,

Geezzzz, that's tough. The problem with those situations is, you wanted her back right, and you probably still do. See the thing is, no matter what she does right now, you're going to over analyze it all. You're judgements messed up and you put yourself in the position where you're at the mercy of her every whim.

I know how you're hurting sandstorm. As hard as it's been, I've been lucky enough to hold out. I put a post up the other day, I don't know if you read it, but pretty much after 7 months or so of no contact, just before xmas, my ex called me. Wanted to see how I was doing, etc. I spoke with her for about 20 minutes. And that's it's it. We said bye and haven't heard back since. The best part is that by staying strong I gained myself respect back, and that's a big thing. And I think you should do the same. Cut out any connection with this girl... cut messenger, Facebook, delete her phone numbers, and stop talking to people related to her, etc. Just walk away. If she really wants to talk to you or wants you back, she knows where to find you, and she will do just that.

It's been almost a year for both of us and look at this s#@t. What a waste of 10 months, just sitting around and hurting, damn I wish it was easier.

And oh yeah, a lot of girls out there are losers and wackos. I've met plenty in the last year as well, with zero potential, but what can you do. You have to remember that it's probably even harder for girls, because there are just as many loser guys out their and their on a shorter time frame (if they want to have kids). You think our ex's are going to go meet prince charming tomorrow. I mean I don't know much about you, but you seem like a stand up guy, and I know I was a really good guy to my ex, so I mean, the bar is high for these girls. If there's one thing you can get out of this, at least it's the satisfaction of knowing that it's your ex's loss because she let go, not yours because you tried, and probably one day she'll realize that. In the meantime there's nothing you can do but take care of you.

There are plenty of whack jobs out there, and plenty of losers. But they exists so you know when you find a good one. You need to have gone through your share of them before you are capable of recognizing true love and know the difference between it and infatuation. Two very different things. Just keep looking and avoid any that appear whacked out. They are single for a reason... if they weren't such losers or so strange they would have someone. Don't ever waste time on these people. You always live to regret it.

Always look forward... never backward. And avoid the ex.

Ok so I don't really have anyone to talk about the issues in my life so I bring another tale to you all. I've been dating all sorts of girls. The ones that I go on dates with have not been what I'm looking for. They are basically full of problems. Then there is the ones I meet in clubs that are very attractive, kind and funny. They seem so into me yet when I try to call them in a few days they don't answer or call back. And sometimes I give it a second try and leave them a message another few days later, with no results. I just don't get it, this hasn't been very easy.

So of course it brings me back to thinking about the ex. I have not removed her from my instant message list and I check her away messages that she leaves up periodically. It has been 2 months now since I finally grew some balls and ignored her last instant message. Also, about two months ago I was at some bars that I frequent with my friends cause yes, I'm stuck in this dreaded single life right now. These are places that are local to me yet my ex has been appearing where I hang out. Then one night I met a girl and was kissing her. I looked over and noticed my ex was watching. I am not the type to try and rub something in her face but this just happened and it almost seemed like I did. Even though she is the one that left me and broke my heart. So for the past two months we have not spoken. I have been trying to go about my life, yet it has been difficult. I still think about her all the time. I have distanced myself from her cousin and I stay off the internet at night. Sometimes I block my name and log on to check my email. This is when I usually peep at her away message. Up until now, they have been nothing special. But what I saw tonight really hurt. It was clearly directed towards me because my ex has not dated anyone since she broke up with me.

I just cannot understand why someone that broke up with you would try to put up some away message designed to hurt them. And yes it did hurt. I have done nothing to her. She broke up with me and told me specifically not to wait around.

The tone in her away messages lately almost sound as if I was the one that broke up with her. I'm reading way into it all but tonights message really crossed the line. Why is she trying to hurt me? I know I should not even bother reading these messages but I still look at what her message to see what they say. I really want to email her and tell her what I think but I'm sure this is designed to get a reaction. The way I've been acting probably makes her think that I have completely moved on(2 months of no contact). She probably just wants what she can't have. Below is what she put as her away message. I have gone so far out of my way since we broke up to apologize for everything. Went to parties and christmas etc and treated her with the greatest amount of respect. What ever happened to forgiving someone? I have forgiven her for everything she did to me. And this is what I get in return.


"As time passes, you tend to forget the bad and remember the good; But with you, all that surfaces are thoughts of how you were such a d$ck , the hurtful things you said, and how you took me for granted, which made it so much easier to let you go completely."

I don't think there's any doubt that that message was directed towards you, but you shouldn't be too hurt by it, because I'm pretty sure it was done out of spite. But really, what are you doing looking at her messages anyway? Either delete her or stop loggin on. (at least for a few months). Clearly you're both still emotionally involved in this thing, and after 4 years, it's going to take a lot more time than 2 months of no contact to get over it completely. You just have to keep looking ahead, one day at a time, and whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Get back yourself respect. You're better than that. She took advantage of you last year when she dragged you on with that Christmas party, etc. She feels completely in control (ie. Look at the arrogance in her message) because you react to everything she does. She's manipulating you and you need to bring it to an end, and the only way to do it is to cut her off completely.

Also, be weary of jumping into another relationship if you think it's going to help you move on because you're not over the ex yet, and until you are every girl you meet is just going to end in vain and make you feel worse.

You need to vent, you have a question, you feel the need to contact her, get right back on this site and type away. It's helped me from making that mistake plenty of times. And eventually that urge will pass. Hang in there bud.

Yes something is really bothering her. She is definitely acting like I'm the one that broke up with her. It is almost like Mckenzie always preached a long time ago. He used to say, immediate zero no contact to make the ex feel like they were the one that was broken up with. That must be something that she is feeling now. I want to speak my mind to her so bad but just can't do it and probably shouldn't.

What happened to forgiving someone? I have forgiven her for everything she did and I tend to only remember the good times lately. I guess if she really felt this way then she would not even bother to post it as an away message, I think she would simply keep it to herself and move on. I'm just not sure what this message was designed for. Does she really feel this way, and has she completely let go? I guess I should not be concerned about the answer to that.

Thanks samesame. I'm trying to move on. I know I should delete her from my list. And part of me feels we may be back together someday but I need to quit thinking like that.

Like I said... delete her and ignore her... you aren't doing anyone any favors clinging to false hope like you are.

Do you want to spend your life like this? I'll assume that answer is no. So what you need to do is put her and those like her behind you once and for all.

Now its not going to be easy, but as long as you cling on to her you can't move on. And keeping her on PM, on your cell phone, etc you aren't moving on.

You are wasting good time this way. And that's exactly what it is, wasting time.

Sure a lot of people are like you describe. Everyone deals with it. Everyone isn't what you want, everyone can't be.

Thanks smoothy. It all makes sense 100%.

The problem with all this is that I have dated hundreds of girls and had many girlfriends in my life time. The past ex is the only one that actually means anything to me, and still has a place in my heart. Most of the exes just became faded memories but these feelings will not die out. This has proven to be so tough to put behind me. In the meantime, the clock to our deaths keeps ticking. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life but I don't want to settle for something with problems. My past ex was the only one that I would ever consider spending the rest of my life with. But this is her decision, I did not choose this by any means. You are all very correct, I have no choice but to look forward. Arrrgghh, this is tough. I hate dating.

Everyone goes through this (thinking your ex was the greatest thing)... whether it's true or just a reaction to rejection doesn't make a difference. You really have to step back and stop thinking of her as this amazing woman. She left you, so f#@k her!

You did all you could. Geeezzz, you would have probably jumped through hoops if it meant she would give you another chance. She knew that, and what did she do? Nothing! Made you feel like more of a chump! She dumped you for her own selfish reasons. Take her off that pedestal! She wasn't that great of a woman when she treated you the way she did and says those things directed to you on messenger.

I'm not saying to hate her or have any feelings of animosity. All I'm saying is you have to realize her faults - sort of a reality check. That way you won't feel so bad by tricking yourseelf in romanticizing about her as this larger than life person. She's just another f-ed up person out there looking for something that doesn't exist, while taking for granted what they have.

I guarantee you this is not the last you;ve heard of her, as long as you stay strong and do not contact her in any way. It's time for you to get back yourself respect! And get back your balls!

Thanks for the great pep talk samesame and everyone. I live by your last sentence now "It's time for you to get back your self respect! and get back your balls!"

She has tried to text message me 2 times in the past month. I forget what the first attempt was and the second attempt was her asking about the punishment for a 3rd driving under the ifluence of alcohol. I'm sure it has nothing to do with her and she could have just looked it up on the internet. That text message was followed by a nasty "thanks!" after I didn't respond to her question.

I didn't reply to any of the last 3 attempts to bother me in the past 3 months. I think it has been 3 months of absolute zero contact now. Feels much better than all the guessing and waiting from before. Feels better than replying and getting nothing in return besides more heartache. It is much better this way. Even if she did want to get back together someday, I cannot imagine how to repair all the damage she created. That just seems like way too much unnecessary work.

The break up was defintely not my choice. I did not choose this new life style I've been thrown into. But I will find a way to enjoy it the best that I can.

I had a similar situation. For about the last month she just began acting differently and didn't call so often and was really stressed out with school. It got down to the point where I was telling her that I didn't feel like we were in a relationship and she said that she loved me but was not in love with me and that she had changed. She broke up with me and I have been devastated since but trying to get over her and move on. I don't talk to her and she has gone on and moved and has a boyfriend. We all get to the point where we have to accept what the situation and only take care of ourselves for the time being.

Sorry to hear that canefan... It wasn't really until I came on this site that I realized what a cliché our situations all are. Mine ended the same as yours. Only I don't know much about her love life anymore.

Sandstorm, it's good to hear you had the self control to resist contacting her. That's progress bud. I know it's easy to feel bad in those situations, or sad, or even get a feeling of (false) hope again, but you are right that the break up was her choice. So you can't let her get the best of both worlds by waiting on the side lines. You're doing well from what it seems, and that's good to see. As for the what if's... just try not to over think things. Overthinking only leads to negative thoughts and psyching yourself out. Hang in there and stay strong, because who knows what's around the corner.

Just to give you a quick update on my situation. I haven't initiated contact with my ex in 9 months. She did however call me on xmas, and we had a brief superficial conversation for about 10 minutes. Then she emailed me twice since then, to tell me about stuff going on in her life. I responded both times politely with a brief "hey thats great. good luck", and that's about it. We've been broken up for a year now (as have you), and somehow these things keep dragging on. I hate it. Anyway, if she tries to contact me again I think I'm going to tell her to stop or follow your lead and just not respond.

i agree with that "samesame", i thought i was all alone with this type of situation but once i was here i realized how common it is. I haven't spoken to my ex since the first week of march, so almost a full month after she broke up with me. she has called and texted me but i don't respond to any of it. it's hard because sometimes i want to pick up my phone and call her but i just put the phone down and end it there.

I didn't even read the whole thing.
It was too long.

LOL. The last couple posts makes me realize how we all think our world and problems are so special. "We are not a beautiful and unique snowflake."

Another thing is that you would think that in a breakup the girl would be the one at home depressed, but it's often times the guy. It's been about 8 days for me and I've been trying to keep myself busy, but man, at night it gets really difficult.

Thanks for the great pep talk samesame and everyone. I live by your last sentence now "It's time for you to get back your self respect! and get back your balls!"

That is a brilliant line, I'm definitely going to focus on that.

If I had a pound for every time someone on here has mentioned the classic ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' line from our exes as justification in their minds to end it, I'd be a rich man.

I just keep telling myself that it is her loss, and after 35 ish days of NC, I'm sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope Samesame and Canefan you guys are doing good.

If all of my mates are telling me that I can do better, and I deserve better, then I guess they must be right!

I wish I was stronger and meaner. This is just never going to end. Gosh!!

The ignoring was clearly getting to her. Her away messages were very negative and some of them were obviously directed to me. She was actually upset with me and I had done nothing. Funny huh?

Well this no contact lasted for 3 months. 3 whole months of ignoring any attempts by her to contact me. Then one day she IM's me and said she wanted to know where to get the blood tests done. She said a girl at her work has all symptoms and she wants to help her. She said please help and don't be selfish. I couldn't resist but answer, she said she googled for weeks and couldn't find the info that I knew. Well I told her the labs and where to send the blood. So this started it up again between us. I should have just told her and dropped back to absolute no contact.

My ex and I talked everyday via IM again. I was sucked into the trap again. She even started to text message me when she was outside of work. Then one night she asked if I wanted to have "friend sex". Yeah, it happened. We still talked everyday. We hung out a few more times(mainly every weekend). Most of the hanging out was initiated by me. Then after about 2 weeks of this, she says we need to talk. She said she feels sick to the stomach that she is leading me on and she doesn't want to. Here we go again, I got my hopes up a little too. Then she continues to say how she thought about getting back together with me so many times. And how she hasn't dated anyone etc. But she still doesn't know what she wants.

She then proceeded to attack me about all the little stupid things I've done in the past and how she can't get the bad things off her mind. It has been close to year now since the break-up. She even says she loves me but I did't say it back to her. She also said that she couldn't even get angry with me because I didn't try to win her back. Win he back?? Was I supposed to try and win her back? Yeah right, there is a thin line between trying to win someone back and stalking. That sounds so ridiculous, whether she believes it or not. Trying to get her back would have pushed her away more I think. I really didn't have much to say to all that. I kind of got upset at her and told her she has tricked me again. I told her she has cried wolf with me far too many times and I'll never fall for this trick again. I said "how are you ever going to get back with me? I won't believe you".

Then a few nights later we talk more. I even ask her to hang out. She still comes and hangs out. I kiss her like we are together and we keep having sex and hanging out at least once per week. Anytime I call out of the blue, she answers. Anytime I ask her to hang out, she doesn't say "no". Now she doesn't contact me outside of IM at her work, like a few weeks before. Things are kind of fading to nothing it feels like. It almost seemed like she was just checking to make sure I wasn't seriously dating anyone. You know how evil they can be, she was probably just checking to make sure I still wanted her. Who knows. I really don't know what to do. She still contacts me via IM when I'm online. I've been real short with her lately. I only reply with short answers and don't say anything lengthy. Part of me wants to try, but she keeps saying "she doesn't know what she wants". It is like I'm not good enough for her and she is looking for someone better looking or something. The other part of me just wants to go back to complete unannounced NO CONTACT. Just not tell her what my move is, just do it. I seem to get her thinking of me more when I ignore her. This whole hanging once per week could go on forever with no real results. It really feels like we are fading again. I think this girl has a big problem of wanting what she can't have.

Throughout all this. I never told her how I feel, or asked to get back together. I was thinking it would happen naturally but it appears she likes this single life or something.

Gosh I hate this. This is a horrible update. I've been fooled yet again.

She's not evil... the thing is, she can feel lonely too.

She confessed that she feels horrible for leading you on... so just like you're lonely, she's lonely too, right? You're both doing the same thing to one another.

Don't completely blame her. As soon as she said "friend sex" right from the gecko, there was a blatant red flag. She was clearly saying that she has no ties to you.

That said, don't beat yourself up if you've recognize your mistakes. As long as you recognize that you shouldn't go back, there's at least something you can take out of this ordeal. You know that you can't (and shouldn't) handle a relationship with her, when she doesn't feel as strongly for you.

The other part of me just wants to go back to complete unannounced NO CONTACT.
Doncha just hate being used for sex?

Sorry to hear that Sandstorm. But there's a lot of contradictions... things you should have spotted to NOT "be fooled yet again". I mean she contacted you with the blood test thing because it was a sure way to get your attention after many failed attempts. She called your bluff. What does she want? One, she's lonely, and two, she wants to keep herself in control, so she knows you're still there on the back burner, just in case "anything better" doesn't come along.

And what do you get out of it? A temporary fix. The way you're going, two things are going to happen. One, you're going to get fed up of her and not want her back again because you're sick of her fishing you along. Or two, she's going to start dating some dude, you're going to find out (believe me she will make sure you know), and you're going to take another one in the heart.

Remember, you have a choice in what happens here and everything that happens is a two way street. The result will be the making of the choices you make now. Stop thinking about the short run and think about future. You got a good one, whether it's with or without her. And if she doesn't want it, then screw her. Her loss.

You don't need to do absolute no contact if you don't want, but you definitely need to make some changes. First off, what are you doing with IM. Are you crazy, it's been a year dude. Delete her! People lived in relationships before IM just 10 years ago, believe me you don't need it! IM, text messages, social networks and all this new tech communication does not help relationships in most situations! It only complicates and confuses things more when they are already on the rocks as it is. If she wants to talk, she can call you. And when and if she calls you, doesn't explain why you are initiating hanging out to begin with! Talk to her, be civil, but if she gets all affectionate or gets into the past, tell her. Listen, I can't do this... I have to get on with my life. She know's what's going on here. I mean she even made the comment about not leading you on and "friend sex", I mean come on, just let it go. You're doing this to yourself. You need to make the line in the sand and stick to it. No one's ever achieved anything that's worth it by being weak. This is not "natural". This is you being submissive.

Just remember, this is not going to go on forever, something will change eventually, and it's better if you're the one that dictates it first before leaving it up to her again.

Good luck Bud! All the best!

Funny Talaniman. "used for sex" I think we used each other.

Sad soul, Samesame. You are both correct in what you say. However, this is a pattern that keeps repeating itself and is always initiated by her. Every single time, she contacts me out of the blue or has a family member do it, the pattern starts. She contacts me on IM, then she contacts every day, she gets me thinking about her, we hang out, she starts texting me via phone, I start showing interest, lasts a week or two, things fade away, she starts to go silent, I drop out at the last minute and ignore her.

She just doesn't like it when I ignore her. She wants what she can't have.

I'm just not going to do this anymore, I've learned my lesson and I'd have to be an idiot to not see this dumb pattern. "she doesn't know what she wants" That pretty much sums it up. In her mind, I'm just not good enough to go back to. She thinks life is so long and she just go out there and find someone special. I see this all as attempts to see if I still care and if I'm single or not. I have to quit being a wuss bag. You are correct samesame, I'm getting so fed up. And this whole blood test things sounds like a scam, I haven't heard anything about how this mysterious girl is doing and if she has had these tests. She never gives me an answer, therefore it must be total BS. I'm really starting to despise this girl known as the ex.

The only things I see happening in our future is me or her meeting someone else with meaning, her getting pregnant or something stupid, one of us passing an STD to each other, or we keep up this damn pattern of talking and disappearing.

I need out of this crap!

Thanks all for the advice and opinions everyone.

Take satisfaction in being a lot wiser than her and being aware of these patterns. Don't let her be the one to break them and move on at the drop of a hat, at your expense.

"You" choose to seriously move on and let "her" wait at a door you won't be answering anymore. Enough is enough. Next time she calls, tell her it's seriously over.

Yes. Such a dumb pattern it is. Still chit chatting here and there. All initiated by her, and I know she doesn't want anything serious with me. I'm ready to disappear but wondering if I should exit unannounced?

Should I:

A. Just disappear out of no where. Let her wonder. Igonore every attempt she makes to contact me? This could possibly be bad because it could bring her back again for the wrong reasons. Wanting what she can't have.

B. LIE. Tell her I'm kind of serious with someone and that she(the new girlfriend) said I should not talk to my exes. Just tell her we can't talk anymore and I'm honoring my new girls wishes. I kind of like this one but I'm not sure if I should waste my time lying, I'm not really a liar at heart.

C. Tell her I'm not playing this anymore. Tell her I won't be her friend and to contact me when she gets her SH#%@T together. Until then, leave me alone

I'm leaning 90% towards A. I don't see any reason to explain anything. She can wonder what happened to me all she wants. Gosh, look at all the wondering I have suffered through for the past year. This June will be the stupid one year anniversary. It is sickening how she has kept me around and I fell for it and allowed her to do this. I feel so stupid and somewhat humiliated. I just can't be friends with this girl. I honestly think she started up this latest round of contact to see if I still want her. Makes me sick if that is true.

A. Just disappear out of no where. Let her wonder. Igonore every attempt she makes to contact me? This could possibly be bad because it could bring her back again for the wrong reasons. Wanting what she can't have.

That's my pick. It cant possibly be bad because she cant come back for any reason if you don't let her...

It'll be tough, but it'll be worth it. Hang in there.

Disappear without a trace or warning.

Ever since we broke up she has done this so many times, why have I not noticed this pattern. It is clearly just a check-up to see if I'm still sitting around waiting. Every damn time, she contacts me, then we speak everyday, she contacts me via phone text message everyday, then things slowly fade away, from a text every other day to one per week. Then I'm left wondering or mad.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words of advice.

I'd rather be alone than go through this anymore. I feel awful today and I don't want to feel like this anymore. It is painful to have a tiny piece of someone you used to have all of. This friends stuff just does not work, very painful for me but easy for her. I'm just too weak for this light contact. I'm upset that I made it 3 months almost exactly of no contact to ruin it with this. All that work is gone and I have to start over.

She sometimes acts and hints as if I should have tried to win her back. That is so wrong, she should have tried to win me back. How have I become so clueless and weak? She is just trying to keep me around in a subtle way. She does not like it when I break free.

I don't want to feel this low again. This is a terrible, horrible nasty feeling. I'm sticking with option A

"I'm going to put a line in the sand and stick to it" As samesame would say. Thanks, love that line samesame

Wish I knew how the story ended.. Although, I think I might have a good idea of how it did..