I’m a straight, female college student and I have VERY few guy acquaintances. I’m a nice person with average looks, average weight. Some people say I’m pretty (but I’d say I’m average). I’m just extremely shy when it comes to guys. There’s probably no guy that I would call “a close friend.” I think my problem is that I’m just intimidated/scared to interact with any guy.

Each time I enter a social situation, my automatic response is to move as far away from the guys as possible and stick with my female friends. In high school, I was sort of chubby and all my friends were pretty, or at least prettier than me. At parties, guys would hang around my friends and sort of ignored me. I got used to having only female friends. Now, I’m in college, I’ve lost weight but I feel like I have the same amount of self-confidence when I’m around guys as I did when I was in high school. I’m consciously aware that my behavior is counterintuitive.

How can I show guys that I want to become friends with them without being all flirtatious? Do guys pick their friends based on looks? That sounds like a stupid question but I can’t shake the feeling that a lot of guys at my school are interested only in the "physical" aspects of girls. Honestly, I don’t even care about dating at this point in my life, I just want to expand my social circle.

Well, I will be honest with you and say that a lot of guys do judge girls on their looks--even if it were only for a simple friendship. But do you want to have guys like those as your friends?

Find those guys that are more easy-going, that have a solid head on their shoulders and see the world fairly. You probably know the kinds of guys that are only interested in sex; avoid them. Everyone else is open and willing to make friends.

That probably wasn't enough to help alleviate your shyness around guys... well, think about this. If it's just a friendship you're after, is it necessary to worry about what they think? What runs through your mind when you see a guy you'd like to talk to? You mention self-confidence: what are you afraid of? That you'll say something stupid? That he'll look at you and not talk to you because he doesn't think you're pretty enough?

Tell us what you think when you're in a social situation. I can bet most of your fears are baseless, and once you see that you'll be more confident, which in turn will let you talk more freely, which in turn will automatically make you friends. It'll be second nature soon.

Look for people at your job, assuming you are working... Making friends that way is good...

Another way is to meet people at parties and have a few beers to loosen up... Don't go home with them that night (unless you have other ideas)... Just find a few chicks that you can get close with and work your way into their social group (which will likely have guys in it)... You will then by rule of friend, be given extra friends...

Most of my friends (guys) would talk to anyone. I know I would. That's part of being sociable. Having a good time. Making some friends. I don't pick friends on physical attributes. I pick them on character, the fun times I have with them, etc. And the only way to see what they're like is to talk to them!

How about asking some of your girlfriends to introduce you to some guys when you're out or at a party---that sort of thing? You can get like a three-person conversation going on... you, your friend, and the guy. Might ease some of the nervousness.

You're lucky--you're in college. The best social scene possible! Next time your girlfriend goes to the other hall in the dorm, tag along with her or something.

Heck, you could even explain your situation to a close friend (one who won't blab), and ask her to be cool and get you involved in some conversations (but not to embarrass you).

Look at your positive attributes for the confidence. You mention you've lost weight--think about what a hot mama you are now!

I agree with SOS! Find ways to lurk into the social scene. If you don't feel confident then pretend like you are; it helps me! Love and accept yourself for the beautiful, shy person that you are... there is nothing wrong with that babe!

Come on guys, let's face it---very rarely (except in the movies and TV) can guys and gals be "just friends". This young girl should not even focus on "guys" as friends. In fact, I have a hunch that she certainly is seeking more---but is reluctant to admit--even to herself right now.
Sweetie, go forward if you want to with a single man and explore what your needs are. Also, seek professional help that can assist with the self esteem issues that you have alluded to---this problem will impede your relationship with the opposite sex.
Men love confidence--it can be "humorous" to see a 350lb woman carry herself like "Beyonce". Yet, I think that men would prefer that scenario over a beautiful woman who walks like an orangutang!

Thanks, Tomy M Hall, MS

I think she just meant that she wants to become more outgoing first, and then tackle the dating later.

I agree with the above post. I also think that ton_ty2275 is being insensitive to what Jaime208 has stated in her post and is stating a opinion not based upon fact as to what Jaime208 wants. We cannot read another persons mind and cannot assume anything beyond what they have posted. To do so would be leading the original poster according to how we feel about their post and not basing an answer according to the facts presented.

Adult males and females can make great "just" friends with each other, especially if they are in something that is of mutual interest to both of them. Ever been in a concert band, co-ed sports program or a club of any kind?

I think she just meant that she wants to become more outgoing first, and then tackle the dating later.

Yep, I agree and I got that notion as well. However, since she is inexperienced perhaps one attempt with one male at one particular time will suffice.

Tomy M. Hall, MS

Adult males and females can make great "just" friends with each other, especially if they are in something that is of mutual interest to both of them. Ever been in a concert band, co-ed sports program or a club of any kind?

Many of them---across the world in fact. Summarily, "just" friends is rarely the case within many scenarios with myself, family, friends, cohorts, and clients.

Tomy M. Hall. MS

"Water seeks its own level." It is the same with people. You don't speak for the majority of people, but only those you have mentioned.

"Water seeks its own level." It is the same with people. You don't speak for the majority of people, but only those you have mentioned.

That goes without saying. Thanks for your thoughts.
Tomy M. Hall, MS

I am sure in female/male relationships there mite always be a bit of sexual innuendos flying about. But I know personally I have a few female friends and although some of them are attractive I wouldn't think anything else of it.

They key is to get out and about. What do I mean by this? Building your confidence by joining the gym - meeting people there, starting a new sport, going to classes, trying a new course, traveling with a group, trekking or something. Through one of my sports I met one of my friends and through him about 9 of my current friends and my ex girl friend. All this thanks to one sport! People know people who know people and exposure to one person can lead you to meet other people who in turn become your friends.

So get out there and start some new things up! Change your life for the better TODAY!

Adult males and females can make great "just" friends with each other, especially if they are in something that is of mutual interest to both of them. Ever been in a concert band, co-ed sports program or a club of any kind?
Yup it sounds like that's exactly what she needs to join some club on campus that shares her interests and that should be pretty easy being in college.
If you join a club and don't socialize what's the point so you'll have to make some guy friends unless it's an allgirl club-LOL.

I am good at being social, but I don't know how to flirt. I am too polite and formal... that's what sucks... U can try to flirt a little bit.
Good luck, it's hard though... and if you are better than the guys... they get intimidated... that's another thing.
So see if you are too good, then try flirting
Good luck:)

Remember guys are just people! They are the same as you, worring about their apparence and how they come across just like girls. Guys do not pick their female friends based on appearance (at least not the mature ones). Join male biased societies and then you won't have any female escapes to run to.

How to become friends with a man? The same way as with a woman just talk to them and have a laugh. Except don't talk about girl things (periods, shoes, female insecurites) they don't tend to like that. But you don't have to talk about the football etc either. Just be yourself.

I can't remember who said fake confidence bt they are so right - it really works.

Good luck - let us know how you get on

Wow, I'm flattered by the genuinely thoughtful comments people left here. Thank you.

Actually, I am in few different clubs on campus. Still, I have to admit that I am an introvert. Up until now, I've been trying hard to preserve my own ego that I unintentionally behave in a way that could be interpreted as giving guys the cold shoulder. When I'm hanging out in a co-ed group, I tend to slip into the background and not really engage in the conversation. Part of me doesn't want to converse because I tend to get into the habit of thinking that guys are more interested in getting to know the friends that I am with than they are in getting to know me. Sometimes, a lot negative thoughts of being disliked/sounding boring/embarrassing myself stops me from saying what I feel. I rarely, if ever, take initiative to try to keep in regular contact with guys that I meet.

It's strange because in reality, no one has ever confronted me and said anything to hurt me. I realize that all my negative thoughts are just my own doing.

I'll be working on thinking positively about myself and not to be overly critical of myself. I hope I can build the relationships that I already have with guys I already know. At the same time, I'll need to build up the courage to meet/socialize with new people. BTW, I am talking to a counselor about this stuff, but it's nice to hear other people's thoughts, too.

Like SOS said, you are in the perfect place to make friends, especially guy friends. In college, I had guy friends who checked out who I was dating, watched to see which guys were up to no good, and generally acted like big brothers to me and my dormmates. In turn, we ironed their shirts and baked them cookies. We sat together during basketball games and played bridge or Scrabble in the Student Union. We took classes with them, did homework with them, and compared notes on which teachers to avoid. Not every guy wants to sleep with you (unless times have changed drastically!). Many of our guy friends were just as shy and unsure as we were, so we all struggled together as we learned to socialize and have a good time. Some of these guys ended up as dates, but many just floated through our college lives and made us better than we had been--and we hoped we were making their lives better too.

Simply being around guys more often is the best advice I can give you. I hate to say it but if drinking is acceptable in your circle of friends a little liquid courage (alcohol) never hurts. Though you don't want to become dependent on drinking to be able to meet guys. If you have a couple beers it will ease your anxiety and that in combination with added interaction will help turn things around. Most importantly this does't happen over night. From a guys perspective.. . personality wins over average looks. Quite honestly unless you are very unattractive you should not have a problem finding a boyfriend let alone making guy friends.

Come on guys, let's face it---very rarely (except in the movies and TV) can guys and gals be "just friends". This young girl should not even focus on "guys" as friends. In fact, I have a hunch that she certainly is seeking more---but is reluctant to admit--even to herself right now.
Sweetie, go forward if you want to with a single man and explore what your needs are. Also, seek professional help that can assist with the self esteem issues that you have alluded to---this problem will impede your relationship with the opposite sex.
Men love confidence--it can be "humorous" to see a 350lb woman carry herself like "Beyonce". Yet, I think that men would prefer that scenario over a beautiful woman who walks like an orangutang!

Thanks, Tomy M Hall, MS
Jkj

Like SOS said, you are in the perfect place to make friends, especially guy friends. In college, I had guy friends who checked out who I was dating, watched to see which guys were up to no good, and generally acted like big brothers to me and my dormmates. In turn, we ironed their shirts and baked them cookies. We sat together during basketball games and played bridge or Scrabble in the Student Union. We took classes with them, did homework with them, and compared notes on which teachers to avoid. Not every guy wants to sleep with you (unless times have changed drastically!). Many of our guy friends were just as shy and unsure as we were, so we all struggled together as we learned to socialize and have a good time. Some of these guys ended up as dates, but many just floated through our college lives and made us better than we had been--and we hoped we were making their lives better too.

Hi there "Wondergirl",

Just wondering... I meant Curious... based on your
"Posted statement: Sorry, but I disagree. Some of the closest guy friends I still have were made in college 40 years ago.

Just Curious, please if you can be PERFECTLY Honest ---How many have you "fooled" around with???
In other words KISSED, Fondled, Sexed or have been otherwise SExually aroused with or by?? Be honest...Please. Points are NULL and Void without perfect honesty...AND we can all see clearly through the "screen"----That means the computer and smoke!! ;)

Thanks. Just my thoughts... ;0
TomyM. Hall, MS

This was in the early 1960s. I'm a PK and attended a Midwestern Lutheran college whose student body was made up of a lot of Lutheran teachers' and preachers' kids. No one fondled anyone. It was very Ozzie and Harriet. Sexual freedom and free love hadn't been invented yet. That came about at the end of that decade. There were no reliable birth control measures anyway, and family and church were everything. I was a virgin when I married at 21. (And all the students I knew from those days was a virgin when they married.)

Btw, how old are you, Tomy, and what is your MS in?

This was in the early 1960s. I'm a PK and attended a Midwestern Lutheran college whose student body was made up of a lot of Lutheran teachers' and preachers' kids. No one fondled anyone. It was very Ozzie and Harriet. Sexual freedom and free love hadn't been invented yet. That came about at the end of that decade. There were no reliable birth control measures anyway, and family and church were everything. I was a virgin when I married at 21. (And all the students I knew from those days was a virgin when they married.)

Btw, how old are you, Tomy, and what is your MS in?

Hello, Wondergirl,

It seems that SOME of your initial comments, MAY not apply here---Since, times have significantly changed. Perhaps, Maybe in your younger years, men and women could be "just friends" OR maybe, you just still have the right to believe so.

Either way, It's O.K. It is however, up to individuals, to determine if this, is a fact for their lives. Please try to respect differences of experience as you would facts--because, experiences is what actually makes factual information a reality.

As for your question of "btw"--- I, "Tomy M. Hall, MS" am in fact 38 years old.

My "MS" as you can view by definition is a Master's in Science---which means to this degree---I have Mastered most subjects. My additional Concentrations are in Human Resources and Social Work, and I am also currently Certified in all Fields.

My degrees however, are a null point here---for I am not, nor will I ever be, nor seek to be employed by this forum. I am here to help, and explore.

BTW, What are your degrees in?? If any, Since, you have pulled this card?

Thanks for your thoughts.
Tomy M. Hall, MS

Wow! You're a tool!

Your M.S. is a very obvious part of your "signature," so I was curious about it. I too have an M.S. but in Counseling Psychology. I taught/subbed/tutored with a state teaching certificate for years, and have worked in public libraries since 1981.

The questioner admitted shyness around guys, so I assured her that males and females CAN be friends and just have fun together. I have two adult sons who have experienced friendships with women, and I also know from my workplace that such can be true. Not every guy hits on every woman he meets, and not every woman wants to get laid. In fact, most people I know believe that having good friends of the opposite sex greatly adds to the quality of their lives.

For me, I'm really working on being myself while talking to guys in my classes/extracurric activities/dorm and stop trying to be invisible to them. There's a clear and noticeable difference in the way I talk/act when I'm with just my female friends and when there's even one or two guys around involved. My shyness really overshadows the rest of my personality, especially if the guy is remotely good-looking/popular with other girls. I guess I just feel so much more pressure to be just as good as other girls and to try to make a good impression that in the end, I end up making no impression at all. Once there's no male in the conversation circle, I am so much more relaxed and feel less pressure to meet some standard, whatever that is.

I probably shouldn't care whether I'm being judged or not by the opposite sex, but the thought just creeps into mind.

On a side note, I'm not one who would try to look for 'friends' at bars/clubs. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like some guys there are looking for random hookups, though probably not all the time.

Well... in college... I think everyone goes to the bars. Not just sleezes. But there are other options. Parties, for instance.

My shyness really overshadows the rest of my personality, especially if the guy is remotely good-looking/popular with other girls. I guess I just feel so much more pressure to be just as good as other girls and to try to make a good impression that in the end, I end up making no impression at all. Once there's no male in the conversation circle, I am so much more relaxed and feel less pressure to meet some standard, whatever that is.

So it is true, then, that you're intimidated by guys? I get that impression from the bold text above; it's as though you perceive some guy to be of high(er) status, therefore you feel as though you have to work harder to impress him and in doing so you probably psyche yourself out.

I know this is not easy to do, but you need to forget about the idea that a guy may or may not be judging you. If you're just looking to socialize, to make friends and to increase your self-esteem, just talk. Forget your "goal" of making new friends; do it for your own entertainment. You may be focusing too much on the goal that you fail to enjoy the process of achieving that goal.

When I try to talk to a girl I'm interested in, I forget about the outcome I want and just try and enjoy the moment; it's the conversation and the flirting that I focus on, rather than ultimately getting her number or asking her out or whatever else.

I also know that the worst thing that can happen is the girl will not talk much to me and leave... it's not as though she'll whip out a knife and stab me.

So just socialize for the sake of socializing. Start small (maybe talk to guys you perceive as less attractive), and work your way up. It will be awkward and you'll be uncomfortable to the n-th degree, but keep this in mind: if you feel weird, then you're on the right track.



--huno, MS

P.S.: anyone see Mexico beat Brazil 2-0 tonight? Hot-damn I'm in a good mood. :D

You Should just start making friends with the guy that you like and things should work out :]

wow! you're a tool!

Member Clough specifically, as per your comment of: QUOTE "Actually, I don't know that I would take being called a "tool' to be a compliment. Please see Urban Dictionary: tool (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tool)"

I thought that you stated previously that you liked to spread love. It surely does not appear to be true here. This will be reported.

Your comment seems damaging. I have a response to how you feel about the term "Tool". Your comment and posting was inappropriate. My further comments should be taken as "enlightenment" not personally.

As per your providing a possible "definition" of being referred to as a "Tool"----

Wow, why you would think that one can be defined by mere "connotations" within a "slang" dictionary? Please use your intelligence towards good and have a more "positive" as well as "unique" sense of humor in the future.

If you had read further within your "slang" referral you would have noticed that the term "tool" has many connotations and "Can occasionally be used as a term of endearment"---This is quoted from "your reference given".

Another connotation from your reference is:

"Most likely, anybody that either is in school for business or already has their BBA and/or MBA. They didn't go to school for intellect, but simply to learn how to make a lot of money."

Nevertheless, I am not defined personally by your definition nor this slang dictionary you have provided as a poor reference.

Intelligence asserts that "It is my perceptual choice" to decide and interpret what may be considered as a compliment and/or insult. Intelligence over emotions would naturally choose to invert a potential insult---This is called WIT.

Meaning, "The ability to think quickly. Often associated with humor.
Not any of your "slang definitions", but rather the “scholary definition” of the term.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Tomy M. Hall, MS