Hi first time for me...
I'm married to a man who is lovely sometimes thinks the world of me... but.,
Is obsessed with cleaning and constantly shouts at my daughter and me about everything... he is moody,angry ,nasty and makes me really unhappy... I know your all thinking well leave... just bought a new house not so easy... I just need someone to tell me how to deal with it... iv tried not responding to his temper but its very hard when he is lovely you latch on to that moment... I think I could make my own life but in reality that really is not realistic...

I spend many hours upset and lonely

Help...

Susie:(

So you value a material possession over your's and your daughters safety? Look at this seriously. No possession holds more value than your sanity and well being. If you do not care about your own self, think of the messages you are giving to your daughter.

You can get out, seek a women's shelter, contact the police, report your husband's anger and abusive beahvior, just plain get out!

I know it is not easy - nine months before I left my husband we had moved into a new home. Everything was so nice and neat and I just loved it. But hanging onto the home was too high a price to pay. Material goods are replaceable.

If you think you cannot cope with decisions ahead, please, please, please, contact a women's shelter or talk to your priest/pastor about what is going on. You have to take some action here. Perhaps when you do and this shows your husband that you are serious, he will agree to marriage counseling. If not, make your own plans.

Are you in fear of your safety, or feel threatened? If not, it is unacceptable for him to treat you and your daughter that way, and you should let him know, in no uncertain terms, that his temper and yelling will not be tolerated, and be prepared to stand your ground. If you allow this too happen, then you enable him, and that is unhealthy, and is abusive. Do you want your daughter to ever get the message, that a man can treat a woman in this manner?? I hope not. You will find new house or not, ain't that much love in the world to make one put up with bad behavior such as this. Anger management, on his part, and more of a backbone, on your part. If you fear for your safety, get out now, and seek the help.

Great answers above! I would take heed to what they say. Very difficult situation you are in.

I agree that safety for you and your daughter must come first. Additionally, you not responding in words to his bad attitude is a response in itself. It may make him think that it is okay to keep acting the way that he has been.

In support. Agreement and reinforcement with what talaniman submitted above, if you do not think that he will become physical with you if you do respond to him by telling him how much his acting the way that he does hurts you and your daughter, then you should try telling him that. He may get the point if he knows how much it really hurts you and your daughter.

Thank you all for your replies,maybe I made it sound awlful, he has never hit me and I'm not scared that he will..
And I do love him.. I just want someone to tell me how to deal with his mood swings.
And my life easier...
I hope you understand that and don't think me weak.
Susie

just think positive. think about things that make you happy. dont let him make you unhappy. because if he does do that its not worth it. if every SINGLE day he makes you unhappy, sit down with him...talk to him.. & tell him how you feel. if he doesnt listen to you. then its not worth it.

the thing i think you should do is just sit down with him & tlak to him about how u feel

Hmmmmmm... I think your first post is more the truth than you want to realize. But taking you at your word with your second post - please seek professional help. While you cannot change him or his mood swings, you can learn how to keep yourself safe and possibly learn that the mood swings are a form of emotional abuse. He needs professional help - no one but him can do that for himself. There could be something medically wrong with him even. You both need help. Hope you get that help and protect your daughter in the process.

I assume your husband is upset at you because of cleaning/house chores?
I will try to give you a perspective from an opposite side. I am married, and get really annoyed at my wife for not being neat/clean. Partially it is my mothers fault for bringing me up this way (being used to clean house). I do not expect my wife to do eveything for me, instead I want her to at least clean up after herself. Sometimes, walking into home and seeing a pile of dishes make me really upset. After that I am just very irritable for the whole night, and not very pleasant to be around. I try telling my wife why I am angry, but how many times can you repeat the same thing? Next day I will feel guilty and be all nice... to someone else it looks loke mood swings. I could be just strange or may be slightly obssesive/compulsive?? Which brings me to next point, psychological issues? Your husband could have some, and its showing through his actions.

Last point, may be he is unhappy, and just picking on things which is very common when a person is unhappy in a relatioship.

I think you need to try and figure out the source of his unhappiness and mood swings.

When did it all start, from the beginning or is it something that came on later?

the thing i think you should do is just sit down with him & tlak to him about how u feel


I have sat down with him many times,mbut nothing makes any difference,hence the need someone to tell me how to deal with it
Susie

My husband doesn't clean because our house is dirty its like a palace.. and when I do something he dose it again... how soul destroyingt is that... on top of everything else

Why should you take his obsession personally. This is his problem not yours at all. He can't help himself. He needs help to overcome his problems.

Has he always been like this or is it a recent development? Is it an every day thing, and does he verbally attack you and put you down? Does he just get angry about the cleanliness of things?

I would hope that since you are married to this man that you can talk to him and let him know that it hurts your and confuses you when he yells. He needs to know that he is not being affective in whatever it is he is trying to accomplish my yelling at you.

I know its never fun to think of going to counseling, but this sounds like something serious the two of you need to figure out. I get the impression that you are a very sweet person and you only want to make him happy but you don't know how. He has his happy and sweet times too, but these angry times just ruin the whole picture.
There is no reason that you should put up with this... as much as you might be afraid, if you are giving to him and not getting the same in return then something needs to be done.

I definitely don't think you are weak by coming here for advice. You are certainly a strong woman and only want to have a happy life with your family. I hope that you can work things out with him by either communication and or counseling.

Best Wishes

Thank you for your kind replies... im very gateful for all your kind words and suggestions