SO I have been getting a lot of people with differing opinions on porn and how it is OK and no big deal. I personally have a problem with it if it is causing a strain on a relationship and your partner is choosing to look at porn instead of be with you. I honestly am shocked by all the people saying I have the problem and it is not that big of a deal. What has happened to morals and values and being faithful to one person. If you think masterbating to another person is not cheating you are wrong. Just because you are not with them physically does not mean you are not emotionally attached to the porn. In my case it was a daily thing with my partner and he had no interest in me and rejected me all the time. Am I seriously the only person that sees this as a major problem in a relationship? I have attached a website that is very informative on the issue:

Www.pornaddicthubby.com

I think as long as there's a healthy balance between fantasy and realism, and the partner doesn't feel neglected, there's nothing wrong with it.

X Dani

"Cheating" is defined by the people in the relationship.

I know very successful long-term relationships that involve swinging and three-ways on a regular basis. I also know people who can't stand the idea that their significant other LOOKS at people of the opposite sex when they walk past at the mall.

There is a lot of variance in the self-esteem and trust levels in these relationships, obviously.

Porn is a problem when it affects your relationship--I'll agree with that. HOWEVER--this is why it is important to TALK about it before the problems arise. Some people can't stand porn. Those people should ONLY date other people who can't stand porn. Some people find it to be a good tool when either a partner is unavailable (I'd rather have my husband watch porn and masturbate than cheat on me, frankly) due to whatever reason (my difficult pregnancy has made sex impossible for several months now, for instance).

There ARE benefits to porn, but you have to have an open mind and not the idea that people who use it as the tool it is and not as a crutch---just as alcohol and OTC drugs have benefits when not abused. Porn can't give you an STD, it can't call your spouse and share your secrets, it can help with a quick release when your partner is unavailable, it can help bring back the spark to a marriage that has fallen into a rut.

ANYTHING can be bad when not used in moderation. Shopping is fun---as long as you're not writing bad checks to do it.

People say that porn gives unrealistic expectations of the bedroom. Well, the answer to that is that Disney gives young girls unrealistic expectations of love and relationships, too. The PROBLEM is that people don't separate reality from fiction, not that porn or Disney are bad.

When there IS a problem in a relationship that stems from porn, it usually goes back to self-esteem and communication issues

Here is my unscientific nonprofessional opinion about porn addiction. I personally believe if someone is addicted to porn it is because this is how they grew up. Like my friend he is married with a kid and watches porn all the time. Now he NEVER had sex in high school I did a lot. So I think since porn is how he developed sexually it is a part of him now. Since porn isn't how I developed sexually it isn't a part of me.

I don't think porn is wrong. But when someone is turning a willing partner down to use their hand then yeah I would say they have a problem.

Nit pick. I have seen marriages/relationships end due to many many things. Porn has never been one of them. WoW a couple times. Most the time it is due to general incompatibility. Though I think it is hard to say what the intimate reason why a relationship ends. My nose is never that far into it.

[Which is an argument that "Mother's who can't be bothered to raise their children" against violent video games. It isn't valid for them either. There is more violence in books then video games. I am a child of video games too. Grew up with doom, duke nukem, quake, and numerous others. Even with the mods that made them even more bloody. Rise of the triad and unreal tourney to name a few.

The problem here is that you're trying to link data that has no correlation. Rapists, paedophiles, and other sex offenders are the way they are because they've got issues. I can guarantee you that almost everyone on that the sex offender list would be there without porn.

Just think of the world before the internet... I am sure that the invading huns weren't looking at stroke magazines as they were murdering and raping their way across the world.

In which you miss the point of porn. It is a seed of an fantasy. The same thing you get from reading a romance novel. You must know that men get aroused differently than women right? It doesn't take much to produce that seed. For example, if a waitress leans over the wrong way and you see her bra through an opening in her button up. Doesn't mean he is going to ravish her on top of the table. Do you know how hard it is to get melted cheese out of your pubes? (BTW, that was a joke. Please laugh. Thank you.)

The point is that the visual male enjoys the fantasy that comes with porn. They're not trying to make love, or have a satisfying moment with their lady love. They're cleaning the pipes in a pleasurable fashion.

So... if he forgone you for pokemon, Wow, or even Farmvile, then it would have been okay?

Porn reaches an intimate level that comes with the social taboo of naked people and naked people engaging in coitus. When someone is spurned because of porn it hurts on a far deeper level then say LolCats.

Chances are there were other things going on in your relationship as well. I can't say. I would say that this problem was the exception to the rule and not the rule.

Yea, I am a porn advocate. I have a cause. It's smut. I'm for it.

I take umbridge to the following mainly because it implies that the morals of a person on dependent on how they gain release.

I use myself as an example a lot because I am a atheist porn advocate. The only reason why I even mention that I am atheist is to show that I am purely responsible for my own morals. I don't judge others and how they orientate their compasses.

I am a responsible and moral person in this society. You have to take my word for it though. I don't cheat, in games or on my partner, I don't steal, hurt, or offend anyone. I am not rude nor disrespectful to anyone. I have pride though, but who doesn't? I have good morals and values.

The main thing I have issue with is this:
You don't, as I said above, understand how men get aroused and why they masturbate. There is no emotional link to the woman/women/midgets/gimps in the porn they're watching. There is a stark difference between how we act between when we're watching porn and when we're making love to our mate.

When I make love to my mate it is a hour long affair of kissing/caressing/nibbling/etc. We end up in each others head. We have an emotional and physical connection. It is making love. When I an wanking to porn I am watching it with my pecker in hand stroking. All I care about is getting off. No emotions just feeling. Good way to start the day in my opinion.

Cheating is a strong word and in this context you're using it wrong. There is no adultery going on. There are no emotions attached.

In the end I think we are going to agree to disagree.

It is a problem, when it is a problem. Which is only if one person will go to porn and not show interest in the other partner. But often this has nothing to do really with the porn, but more with communication between the partners.

Porn can often be used as foreplay where the couple watches it together. Some prefer to read or role play from books or magizines.

It is not the porn itself in the relationship that is bad or is harming the relationship, but it is how the deal with it.

Porn like drinking, or which church you go to, or if you eat pork and so on, all need to be found out and discussed while dating to see if a couple are a real match

In my opinion, I feel that it is a problem, but also is not. If the person that is looking at porn is chosing it over you, then maybe you should step your game up. Or get him counceling, or plain out leave him.

Craven,
You seem to have an answer for everything. I appreciate your opninion and comments, although I highly disagree with most of it. I think you need to really look into porn and how it is destroying relationships and some interviews with sex offenders and what fueled their need to rape. Many of them admit porn was the start of it all. If porn works for you that is great. You are trying to convince me that it is not a big deal, I am sorry but it is to me. I am not okay with it and I made that clear to my partner. That is something him and I need to deal with. I have NEVER turned him down to make love. You mentioned your sex life and taking an hour and the touching and getting in eachother's head. That is our problem, I try to be that way and he just wants to get it over with, he does not touch me like he use to or make me feel good. It just sucks because I never saw this coming...

Well, then there is a communication issue in your relationship, not a porn issue.

Frankly, I LIKE it when it's a quickie sometimes. And with a family and a job with long hours and a house to take care of--hell, an hour to kiss and make out and get in each others' heads means an hour I'm not getting any sleep.

Intimacy is defined WELL before you get into the bedroom--especially with couples who have been together for a long time.

I know more couples that have problems with GOLF than have problems with PORN. And yes, I do know people whose relationships have been ruined by sexual incompatibility, including inability to compromise on porn. I know MORE couples who split over money management than over sex, though.

It comes down to communication, communication, communication. And if you can't TALK about sex and sexual issues with someone, you shouldn't be having sex with them anyway.

PS--I'm at work and can't do the research from here (blocked content), but I can find studies that show the benefits of porn in relationships if used as a tool instead of a crutch.

winkshine, you are still putting all the blame on porn for the problems in your relationship.

If you want to use your own relationship as an example make certain you include other pertinent facts too. Other than your thread about the issues in your relationship, you don't mention that you got pregnant five months into your relationship and it was during the pregnancy that your sex life started going downhill. You also don't mention that your child is now six months old and that your boyfriend has mentioned he is afraid of getting you pregnant again.

You can keep putting all the blame on one thing and ignoring the other aspects of the issues in your relationship or you can look at the big picture and read all the warning signs.

People convicted of rape and other violent crimes will look for any excuse other than themselves to attempt to mitigate their own involvement. 'Blame the porn, it made me rape. Don't blame me, I couldn't help that I am a man with a man's needs. She was asking for it.' All excuses that don't hold up for very long when people start asking questions.

Synnen, what are you not understanding? It is the porn that is the problem. When guys start watching it religiously they loose all sense of reality and get to the point where that is all they want. It is not a communication problem or anything else. He is addicted to porn. I can't believe all the excuses being made for the obvious. No, it is not the porn, it can't be the porn. It is the porn.

Winkshine, what are YOU not understanding?

It is NOT porn that is the problem. The PROBLEM is that when anyone does ANYTHING outside of moderation--watching TV, playing video games, shopping, doing your family geneology--ANYTHING that becomes an obsession is EQUALLY a problem in relationships.

It comes down to communication and it comes down to willingness for ALL parties in the relationship to not go down that path.

It's not PORN that is the problem. It's your man's unwillingness to TALK to you and WORK with you to build the intimicy you want.

You sound like the teetotalers before the Volstad Act was put into place. Guess what? They found out that making alcohol illegal cause WAY more problems and created criminals where there were none before, simply because they could not acknowledge that a SMALL PERCENTAGE of the population could not be responsible with their drinking.

Same thing with porn.

YOU are looking for ANY excuse for it NOT to be YOU that is the problem.

And honey? Addiction is when you cannot function in your daily life without something. If he is able to hold a job, clean the house, watch the kids, and do everything EXCEPT have sex with you--it's not an addiction. It's a preference.

Maybe I missed this but did he always watch porn a lot or did he just start to watch porn a lot?

I play the Devil's advocate a lot. I do have an answer for everything, I have thought on this heavily. I have done this because there is a hug misunderstanding, in my not even humble opinion, that porn is something malicious.

There is a logical fallacy here. You're claiming that, all sex offenders watch porn therefore all who watch porn are sex offenders. Which is equivalent to saying that all drunk drivers drink, therefore all who drink will drive drunk.

Talk to people, ordinary regular people, and get their views on it. If you narrow your focus to a minuscule percentage of porn consumers than you're not going to get the entire picture. You will only get the picture you want to see; only find what you want to find to support your thoughts and beliefs. Consider that you might be wrong first and look at this without bias.

I am calling this like I see it and I don't mean to offend.

This is another problem entirely unrelated to porn. While porn is a convenient monster to blame this on, it isn't the culprit in this case. There is a huge emotional disconnect here which happens as a couple progresses further into a relationship. I saw this with my ex-wife, though it was more so on her part, as well as a previous Girl-Friend. It gets clinical and quick. There isn't foreplay, or even play. It is just wham bam thank you madame.

The usual reason for this is complacency on both partners parts. Though it could be only on one side. I've caught you now I don't need to try. The feelings are still there, but in a more friend kind of way. No passion. It might have been that the expiry date on the relationship had passed, or something had happened. It sounds like he fell out of love.

He was just using the porn as wank material. Same as the rest of us.

Another point to think on. You might have never said no, but there is a lot of work that goes into making proper love to a woman. If a guy wants to clean his pipes, so to speak, then he just wants a quick orgasm. Something that is very personal private and selfish. Only thing he is worried about is himself and getting off. It isn't that he is spurning you, he is taking care of his own needs. The fact that he isn't going to the trouble to make proper love to you is indicative of a different problem. Something you and him would have had to work out.

I don't know if that makes sense.

Synnen,
If is funny how you keep saying porn is not the problem when you are not even in my situation, your advice is the worst I have heard. I have done nothing wrong in this relationship, just love him. When he was sitting on the computer non stop and ignoring me, what was he doing? Looking at porn. When you start ignoring the real person you are with to do that instead, that is a problem. So please tell me how that is not the problem? You keep saying communication is the issue, we have talked over and over again. He won't get help or do anthing to make me feel better or save the relationship. When people look at porn everyday and neglect their family THAT IS A PROBLEM!!

Winkshine,

Nope, not in YOUR situation. But I almost ended my relationship with my husband when he was playing video games non-stop, ignoring me completely. I tried sexy lingerie, sitting on his lap naked, planning romantic evenings, pretty much anything you can think of to get him interested in me sexually. NOTHING worked. I wrote him notes, I had screaming arguments with him, I had calm discussions with him.

You know what finally got through to him? I started packing rather than be in second place to his stupid computer games.

So what YOU are not getting is that it's not PORN. It's your man's lack of respect for YOU that is the problem, and the fact that you're NOT communicating on the same page, because he obviously doesn't have the same priorities you do.

It could be ANYTHING--drugs, drink, a TV show, a girl at work, a new obsession with acting at the improv theater every night--it does not MATTER what it is when you are being neglected. It's the underlying problems that are the issue, not the video game or the porn or the TV show or the obsession with finding fleas in the carpet or whatever.

The PROBLEM is that you're putting up with him ignoring you. The PROBLEM is that he's ignoring you. It has NOTHING to do with what he's ignoring you FOR. In your case it's porn, in my case it was video games, in someone else's case it's drugs or alcohol.

Stop focusing on the symptoms and look at the problems.

winkshine, yes, there is a problem. But is it porn or what caused him to start looking at porn and 'ignoring' you?

I am not saying you have done anything wrong. I am saying that you are focusing all of your energy on one aspect (at least that is how it seems from your posts.)

We aren't there for your 'discussions'. Are they truly discussions where you both get your thoughts out and listen to the other person? All too often people say that they are 'discussing' a problem when what they are doing is telling the other person what to do and what the rules are. Often promises are made/accepted that can't be kept. Thoughts are agreed with in order to keep the peace or because the other person doesn't feel like he/she is being heard.

As I have asked repeatedly, is porn a symptom of a greater problem instead of the problem itself?

Do you remember writing this on October 10th:

What is really going on in your relationship? A problem with porn or an over-worked, scared, exhausted, stressed, etc. boyfriend?

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Bravo! Standing ovation!

Synnen & Cat
You are completely right. I put up with him ignoring me. I never thought of it that way. I have left and he has begged me to come back. I guess I have been so hurt about the porn, that is all I have been focusing on. You went through it with video games, which is another problem we have. I think it just comes down to the fact that he has no respect for me and I should not be with someone like that. I have also treid everything to get him to notice me and I realize now it is time to move on.