Please help, any answer will help no matter how big or how stupied it may sound.
:confused:
My husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times or something like that. I mean come on... we talked about this the other day and he said that he has never went on to these sites, and I have been on these sites.. looking for him. And he can look into the computer and see what sites I have been on, I can't because I don't know how. But he said that he thinks I'm the one cheating because of the sites that I have been on. But I'm not...

A little info about us, we got married April2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2006.

We have been talking about what is going on, and he is getting better about going back there. Last night he only spent 3 maybe 4 hours back there. Came out ate dinner with me and the puppy and spent the rest of the night out there wuth us. That is like 4 hours. All together he spent about 6 hours with me and the dog. He had to wor also so 8 hours at work, 6 hours with us. That is not bad.

I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore. What can I do about that. We only have sex once a month, is that normal??

Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. He says that is looking something up for work and that he needs the door closed because it is to cold with it open, and to stay warm he has to close it. BS. He will be in there for about an hour and I will find something to put away that has to go into the back room and every time I knock on the door and he yells back " hold on.... rusel, zip, a click click form the computer, and then a come on in". And when I walk in the computer screen is back to the main screen. What would you think?? What wound be going on in your head?

We talk at night before we go to bed, that is where I feel like it is eazer to talk to him, and he said that he loves me and doesn't want a devorce,(witch he as thretened me a few times if I don't start picking up the house more) and that he is sorry that he is spending all that time back there. He said yesterday that he is done with the work crap that he has to do, soooo we will see how much time he spends back there now. And another thing, he sciped luch today, he always comes home for lunch. But I love him and trust him that he says he is working.

We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES ME, BUT SHOULD I BE WORRIED??

Porn is one thing... dating sites are another thing altogether. Porn is fine... BUT married people shouldn't be cruising dating sites unless they both participate in swinging together.

He says that he has never been on them sites but I found him once, and he said that he would stop. But I'm still finding porn everywhere in the computer room, and he is still going back there for 3-4 hours. I just feel so bad. I feel like it is me.

There are enough links around that can take you there without typing it in, but it doesn't happen frequently.. but I sense something else going on. I look at porn a lot. What I never do is do it behind closed doors. My wife is usually there in the same room. I never hide what I'm doing. The only reason I can see to be on a dating site is if you are looking around.

If you never give him crap about watching porn and therefore he no reason to hide it... and if he still hides behind closed doors then something is up.

That is what I am worried about. He has the door closed. I don't want to see him do it, and I don't want to sit there with him. I'm just mad that he will not COME TO ME if he is feeling this way. I love him and I'm will to work with him but he needs to show interest in me. I don't know what I'm doing worng.

Looking at porn has nothing at all to do with loving you from a mans perspective. They are two separate issues to a mans brain.

It's the closed door and the dating sites that gives me cause for concern. Maybe no so much the closed door but dating sites, yes, and most definitely if he is private messaging or on chat rooms.

If you think will work then they do have programs that will base it off your income. There comes a time in every relationship no matter how new or old that partners star to take the other for granted. If you are always there when he comes home then he knows that you will always be there no matter what. Start making yourself more appealing and less available to him. And if all else fails then reply to one of his ads with a sexy pic and just let your fantasies run wild when you do reply to him.

Let me see if I have this right, correct me if I'm wrong,. your husband of less than a year works hard, views porn, and spends a little time with you. Doesn't he have any other activities such as play sports, have hobbies, spend time outdoors, that he does *every week*? Do you work and do you have hobbies?

OK What I am getting at is that there may not be anything much positive going on in each of your lives, just work and porn viewing(online"dating"?) which causes conflict... that can lead to trouble in the future.

Any feedback?

Honey, first of all this has nothing to do with how you look, so please don't feel badly about yourself or your weight. There are several things here which concern me.

#1. He knows that this bothers you and is hurting you and still continues to do it. This shows his lack of regard for your emotions.

#2. You saw his page where he said he was separated and looking for a date, yet he lies and says he isn't on dating sites. Then he tries to accuse you of doing what he is doing. It sounds to me like you are onto something and he is getting defensive, so he tries to turn it all around on you. You should learn how to look at the history on the computer. Just go online and click the little icon on the top toolbar that says 'history'. You can look by date, sites most visited, etc. Also go to 'favorites' and check bookmarked sites. Since it's your computer too, don't be afraid to check the history. If you have problems looking at the history, ask a friend to come over and show you how.

#3. He hides with the door shut and won't let you in until he turns the computer off. Obviously something is going on that he doesn't want you to see. I mean he could just be.. you know, lol. And not want you to see him doing it. But since you already found the profile on the dating site, I would be suspicious. It is your house too. If it were me and I thought something fishy was going on, I would just walk right in. How dare he tell you were you can and can't go in your own house! I think it's great that you want to respect his privacy, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

#4. You had no problem with him looking at porn, and he knows that, but he is being secretive. Most likely because he is on the dating sites.

#5. The amount of time he spends looking at porn or dating sites seems to be a lot. Doesn't he have any hobbies? I'm not going to get into the debate of whether looking at porn is wrong. But he is looking at it an lot. If he spends 3 or 4 hours minimum every day, I would start to wonder if he has a sex addiction or something. I think he should be talking to a counselor about that, especially since he knows it's hurting you.

#6. He threatens to leave you over a messy house. He is the one who made the mess! Once again when you question his actions, he tries to turn it around on you.

Even if you can't afford counseling, there are other things that might help you. If you are religious, you might ask a religious leader of your choice to sit down with you and your husband have discuss the problems in your marriage. If you aren't religious, then consider asking an older couple whom you think has a good marriage to meet with you and your husband and help discuss the issues. You could buy a "self-help" book for couples. There are some which have workbooks. You each go through the chapter and fill out the workbook and then get together and talk about it.

I think you need to lay down the law. Tell this guy that you know he is going on dating sites. Tell him you saw his profile and he can quit with the lies-you aren't buying it. Tell him women were not put on earth to only cook, clean, and provide sex. Tell him he is either going to go to counseling, read (and apply what he read) a marriage book, or at least stop what he is doing. Move the computer to a public place. Tell him that if he wants to be married to you, he will show more regard for you feelings and give you the respect you deserve. Encourage him to get involved in other activities, things that both of you can enjoy together.

That's just my opinion, I guess. Hope this helps.

Thanks peggy.
The thing about the computer is that we both have different log ins. And I can't see what he is doing. We need our own passwords to get in. he says that he is emailing and talking to family.
We had a load talking about this lastnight again. He says that he is sorry if he hurts me, but when he is at work he is being yelled at and told what to do, when he gets home he would just want so quite time by himself. And that is fine but I only see him right before bed when he is asking for a backrub.
He said lastnight that he is sorry that it hurts me and he does not mean it, its just that he needs some time ALONE. I told him last night to leave the door open. I will not bugg you I would just like to see my husband once in awile, I have almost forgotten what he looks like.
But the past few days he has been getting better about being back there, he only spent and 1 1/2 hours back there. He says he wants to spend time with me and max (puppy).
I love him and I trust that he will not doing anything stupid. I'm hopeing that these dating sites are just another way to get off. I just wish that it was like when we got married, that I was his way to get off. We have not had sex in 2 weeks.

My comeback to his "alone" time is that he's going to have a LOT of it if he doesn't shape up, and fast--because you'll be gone!

Why did he marry you, if he wanted all that alone time? For sex? For a housekeeper? What?

Alone time is great! My husband and I do that by mutual consent when we both first get home from work---an hour or so, nothing more. I take a shower, a bath, something along those lines. He exercises.

There are NO locked doors in our house. Locked doors in a marriage will kill it.

He's not sorry he's hurting you--he's sorry that he might lose the best cook, housekeeper, and occasional sex partner he ever had if he doesn't shape his rear end up.

BG,

Your new husband is not handling the stress and normal stuff in his life very well. That issue has to be addressed for both your sakes so you can have a happier life.

He has to learn how to deal with the bad feelings generated at his job and how to have activities such as basketball to expend lots of negative energy and have positive relationships with fellow males. Now, he is into the negative behavior of sitting behind a computer screen for way too much time relating to porn, not people.

If you belong to a church, ask the pastor to start a basketball league a few times a week for the men. Explain why this would help. While he is exercising, find a new hobby for yourself that makes you happy. :) When each of you are happier in your lives, you will feel better and enjoy each other's company and sex life more. :):):)


Best wishes in 2008,

I just realized, that is a picture of your new puppy! How darling!!

Yeah that is maxx, he is 4 1/2 month old cocker, white with brown spots. Or frickles is what we call them. And he is my hobby. And he is a clown, I wish I could but more photos of him up there.

I, for one, will go and check out your site... thanks for the link. Dogs are a wonderful hobby, that's for sure. :)

I love cocker spaniels; my grandmother raised cockers when I was a toddler plus, and I lived with her along with my parents. I remember running around the house with puppies chasing me!

Wow. What a powerful, assertive, calm sensible, wonderful approach.

Something is going on. Even if he doesn't say. Actions speak louder than words sometimes. Are you working from home? It could be that he resents that you are not doing what he believes could be contributing. Husbands can be "funny" creatures sometimes.

Oh, by the way, I'm unhealthynlove. Keep your chin up. It's going to do, whatever it's going to do.

Well the thing is I don't have a job at all. And he thinks that I'm the one cheating on him. He thinks I'm sitting here all day chating with other guys and stuff. But we have talked about this, and we are working it out. He has not spent a lot of time back here. And IF he closes the door he asks first and only spends about 30 minutes with it closed. The thing that really bothers is that I still feel like he is doing something. I know that he loves me and will not doing anything stupid, but I still feel like he is hiding something. But I wish he would talk to me. When ever we TALK, I'm the one talking, not him. He just looks at me. Tells me not to worried, and to just relax. I try but it just seems like he does not want to spen time with me. Our one year annaversry is coming up, April, 5th and he has nothing plained, so he says. I think that he was just plaing on sitting around that day. I was to do something but I don't know what. I just want to hang out, have dinner together, watch a movie. I don't know just something together, is that too much to ask for??

OK My two cents. I am no expert, but I am married and no that what you are going through is not right. I met my wife on the internet 10 years ago. In our house we have NO shut doors and things are in the open. My wife and I have three children at home and alone time seems to be far and in between. I am now in my 3 marriage, my wife in her second. The both of us left our last marriages because our spouses were cheating. That being said, we now have had to learn to trust again which is hard. We have no pass words on our computers, we each have our own of coarse but, all the passwords we must have
(e-mail, special accounts, ect) all have the same pass word and we know what each others are. I can't imagine why one would want to be on a dating site if he is marred. Those sites are for one thing only. I can't imagine why he would be looking at a computer screen masturbating when you are in the next room and willing. I would say HE has a problem and HE needs to fix it. I would not worry about being sexy no matter what your weight is. Sexy isn't about what some one weighs or looks like. Sexy is all about who you are, the little winks and the sweet nothings you wisper in your partners ear. I was accused of cheating in my last marriage and could never figure out why because I was always faithful. My momma raised me that way and would still kick my butt if I cheated. LOL
It wasn't until I found her cheating that I was told that usually it's the spouse doing the accusing that is doing the cheating. My first wife got into drugs... I left. I left my second wife for running around on me. My point is there are good men out there!! You don't need to play second fiddle to a computer or any thing else. If your man truly loved you he would put you on a pedestal and keep you there. You have only wasted 1 year of your life at this point. I personaly wouldn't waste another. You need to be true to yourself. I am only telling you what I would do... not telling you what you should do. I just believe you should be a part of each others life totally... locking yourself in a room for hours at a time is just so un cool. I don't think any man needs that much alone time or unwind time. A 30 minute hot shower, an hour of quiet to watch the latest episode of "HOUSE" is one thing but hours of porn?? No way. As a self employed contractor I can work up 12 - 14 hours a day, in the summer 6-7 days a week. My wife works part time at a school 4-5 hours a day... we still however, share the laundry duties, cook meals together, take turns helping with the homework, etc... Take a good hard look at your life and make sure YOU are happy. If you are not only you can change it. Good Luck
Mike