I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We met last New Year’s Eve and have been together since. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said we had a terrific relationship – loving, fun, fulfilling. I thought we had a great connection in every way. We have similar goals and lifestyles, and I just loved spending time with him. We often said it was the best relationship either of us had every experienced, and we were both talking about spending our lives together.

Over the July 4th weekend he said we wanted to discuss something with me, which was basically that he wanted to take our sex life to the next level. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but was interested to find out. I knew from the beginning that he was much more experienced and open than I was, but I have always considered myself to be loving and adventurous, and I’ve always been open to learn and experience more. We’ve been able to communicate very well, but in this instance he really couldn’t or wouldn't tell me what he wanted. To be clear, I thought we had a great sex life – frequent sex; at times very tender and at times crazy wild; dozens of positions; we’d used role-playing, costumes, toys; lots of different locations – indoors and outdoors. I always felt such a connection with him.

For the last 5 weeks, I’ve tried to figure out what he wants and am becoming increasingly frustrated because nothing seems to be working. Where I felt we had spontaneity before, I now feel like things are forced. Where before it seemed we were mutually initiating sex, it now seems like it’s all on me to initiate things. I have been hoping that it was just a bump in the road, but after 5 weeks I have to wonder what is really happening. I started feeling like the tenderness was missing, so last night I wanted to return to romance. I made him a really nice dinner, opened a great bottle of wine, played some beautiful music, and gave him a sensual massage which led to some very tender lovemaking. I felt so wonderful afterwards and expressed that to him, to which he replied something along the lines that it was nice but I know that he prefers something more adventurous and that he went along with what I wanted. I felt so vulnerable at that moment that it hit me pretty hard. He went to sleep, but I was so upset that I was making myself sick. I didn’t want to wake him so I left him a note that I wasn’t feeling well and went home.

He wants to get together for dinner tonight. I’m leaving for a business trip tomorrow and will be gone for at least a week. I’m frustrated because I’ve tried to talk to him about this and his usual response is along the lines that I will figure it out when I let myself go. I feel like I’m losing my joy of sex. I’ve always been pretty confident in that area and confident in general, but I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if we have just gone as far as we can and maybe he’s losing interest, but he always comes back with a response that I just need to take it to the next level. I don’t know what that means, though. Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks.

I'm sorry, I don't know what this "next level" is either. I hope things get back to normal, but what are you prepared to do if they don't? I say, try to talk to him again about your feelings. Don't hold back. Let him know that it's give and take. Your way, his way, mix it up. But if you're in love, the tender moments should come naturally.

So, wait a sec. He said he wanted to take things to the "next level" but he didn't even say what that was??
Does he know?
I'm sorry, maybe I read it and missed it. Sometimes I do that.
Did I miss it?

Sounds like the level is about as high as it can get. But perhaps he has the desire or need for you to be in control, Some people like to be controlled But you need to talk tohim and ask

I'm sorry. I was trying to be succinct while still being clear. I've asked him many times what he meant by the next level, but he hasn't answered. I've asked specific questions and talked about the things I won't do, for example multiple partners. His answer to that was, while that could be interesting, he would never expect it and he respects my feelings on the subject. I've looked online for answers and talked to friends, but nothing has helped. I'm frustrated because he can't or won't tell me what he means, but just seems to have a general feeling of wanting "more". I didn't go into more specifics, but I've been open to things with him that were new to me... and I'm pretty experienced. I've suggested we try to figure this out together, but he just keeps saying the same old lines - I need to let go and I will figure it out. I've told him how frustrated I am. I've suggested that maybe it's something more than the sex, maybe there's something else about me that he's not satisfied with and he responds that I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known. I've suggested that maybe we need a break from each other, that possibly he's bored, but he says he doesn't want that. I'm just at a loss of where to go from here.

My guess is he is into S&M or multiple partners of some sort and is afraid to tell you. In the meantime he is living with what he gets and being less satisfied as time goes on.

How do we get anywhere if he won't tell me? After more than 7 months, shouldn't he speak up - isn't that just a waste of our time if I'm not what he wants? The part that blows my mind is how well the first 6 months went. As I said, I'm starting to lose my joy of sex and confidence. Part of me wants to go on my business trip and forget all of this while I am gone... and part of me wants to go to dinner tonight and let loose with both barrels. I've tried being supportive and understanding, but I have to say I am extremely frustrated.

IF I am correct at what he calls the next level he may be afraid that if he tells you he will lose you.

And if he doesn't tell me, he will continue to be less than fulfilled. That doesn't make sense to me. He should at least give me an opportunity to tell him what I can and can't live with, and respect me enough to allow me to go on with my life if we are not as compatible as I first thought.

You might consider going to the dinner and telling him that this "next level" of his is about to split you up. If he can't explain it he can't have it.

I would say that it must be something you have said you would not do, or something even he thinks is far out.

Ask him to make a list of what he may like, and see if you can work with any of them.

He's being unreasonable. You aren't a mind reader;there's no way to guess what he wants, although I think NoHelp4u has made a good guess, that it's something he isn't ready to say out loud. He may not even be able to admit to himself for all we know.

It's not just that he's not getting what he wants, but that he's sabotaging yourself confidence and joy. He's undermining You and the relationship, with virtually no possibility of getting what he wants. That in itself is a red flag. I would give this relationship a hard look.

I want to thank everyone for their input. You've given me some things to think about and a starting point for further discussion. I told him I'd meet him at his place for dinner tonight as I didn't want to discuss this in a restaurant. I told him that I'm looking for answers, and asked him to think about what he wants and to please be completely honest with me. I asked him to trust me that I will listen to what he has to say and discuss it with him.

I didn't want to give up on what was previously a good relationship, but I am willing to do that before I am willing to continue with the way it is now. Thanks again. I feel like I'm ready to really dive into this, no matter what the outcome may be.

Let us know how it turns out.

Just a suggestion - if he wants to take your sexual relationship to the next level - why don't you suggest Tantric sex?

This is really taking to to the ultimate level because it combines the physical, emotional and spiritual - it's not so much about positions - it's about connection at the deepest and most challenging level.

I suspect he may mean something totally different when he talks about taking your sexual relationship to the next level, but you could get in first with this suggestion.

Good luck with tonight.

Gemini - I've been reading this board for over a month now and always appreciate your thoughtful answers. We have practiced Tantric sex, even went to a weekend retreat a few months ago to learn more. He is very much into the emotional and spiritual aspects of a relationship. He really has a brilliant mind, which is what I have always been most attracted to - along with his wit. I think he does mean something entirely different, but I just can't imagine what as I feel we've had a pretty interesting relationship. I'm just trying to stay calm until I get an answer... but I plan to get an answer somehow. I'm on my way over there now. Thanks.

Maybe that is what he means then maybe he just isn't feeling the spiritual aspect as much as he would like.

You do need answers before you can do anything.

It wasn't easy but I got my answers. He basically said that I am the closest he's ever met to his dream woman, but there are two issues. The first is religion. While he claims to feel connected to me on a deep spiritual level, he has a problem that we are different religions. I'm not so sure I buy this as we discussed this in depth when we met. He is Jewish and I am a non-denominational Christian. He was brought up by a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, who had issues with their families over the religious difference but make it work as a couple. He claims that while he didn't think it was an issue at first he has been concerned lately.

The second issue is the sexual issue. NOhelp4u had that one pegged pretty well. He referred to the sex we have as mind-blowing, but said that sometimes he needs something more than that. It was difficult but what he finally admitted was that he wants to do things that are dangerous, degrading, or vile. One example is auto-erotic asphyxia, but it was all pretty extreme. I was a little upset because we had discussed this type of thing early on and he knew how I felt. He led me to believe he felt the same way. His “explanation” was that he thought maybe he would be satisfied without it but finds he needs it as a part of his sex life.

I told him I couldn't accept that and we decided to part ways. In the 20 minutes it took to drive home, he left a voicemail, 2 texts, and an e-mail all saying that he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to work together to figure things out. I'm not interested in working things out. I feel deceived, and I've lost my trust in him. I would rather walk away from this while I can still hold my head up and still remember that there were some great parts of the relationship. I am so glad that I'm going out of town tomorrow. I think the change of environment will be good for me. Thanks again to those of you who responded to my posts. Now, I just need to find a way to calm down and get a good night's rest so I can start fresh tomorrow.

Yes you were deceived because he should have told you he had issues in these two areas to begin with.

He should realize that his parents were two different faiths and their marriage worked out.

He should be more open to working things out as far as religion or he should only be pursuing Jewish girls only.

They are saying David Carradines death was due to auto-erotic asphyxia

Wikapedia says 117 deaths have been caused by auto-erotic asphyxia and who knows how limited their study covers

You made the right choice to get out.

Yes, that is why, although hard, one needs to have talks about sexual desires and needs early into a relationship.

It can be hard, image dating a preacher and talking about sexual desires.

Sorry I'm late. But I read everything.

Yes, he was decieving you.
I know it was hard, but I respect your decision to leave him. You say you have talked with him about it. If he lied about it for seven months, imagine what else, possibly worse, he could have been lying about the whole time.

Unfortunately, you two aren't a match. Don't give up though, there must be someone out there for you.

Good luck! :)

Yep. You are making the right choice and I agree it's fortunate you are going out of town. I really admire your resolve and self possession. I hope you find someone who is your equal when you are ready.

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

It wasn’t easy but I got my answers. He basically said that I am the closest he’s ever met to his dream woman, but there are two issues. The first is religion. While he claims to feel connected to me on a deep spiritual level, he has a problem that we are different religions. I’m not so sure I buy this as we discussed this in depth when we met. He is Jewish and I am a non-denominational Christian. He was brought up by a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, who had issues with their families over the religious difference but make it work as a couple. He claims that while he didn’t think it was an issue at first he has been concerned lately.

The second issue is the sexual issue. NOhelp4u had that one pegged pretty well. He referred to the sex we have as mind-blowing, but said that sometimes he needs something more than that. It was difficult but what he finally admitted was that he wants to do things that are dangerous, degrading, or vile. One example is auto-erotic asphyxia, but it was all pretty extreme. I was a little upset because we had discussed this type of thing early on and he knew how I felt. He led me to believe he felt the same way. His “explanation” was that he thought maybe he would be satisfied without it but finds he needs it as a part of his sex life.

I told him I couldn’t accept that and we decided to part ways. In the 20 minutes it took to drive home, he left a voicemail, 2 texts, and an e-mail all saying that he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to work together to figure things out. I’m not interested in working things out. I feel deceived, and I’ve lost my trust in him. I would rather walk away from this while I can still hold my head up and still remember that there were some great parts of the relationship. I am so glad that I’m going out of town tomorrow. I think the change of environment will be good for me. Thanks again to those of you who responded to my posts. Now, I just need to find a way to calm down and get a good night’s rest so I can start fresh tomorrow.

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I'm SO sorry that it turned out like this! You must be feeling awful.

I have to say though that the religion thing as the deal breaker really puzzles me - he says that he's spiritually connected to you, but can't accept that you're a different religion and he nevertheless wants to practice dangerous sexual acts?

In my mind, one's religious and sexual practices are a choice. They are not us. To believe that they control us means that we are incapable of taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions and changing them if we wish to.

There is something seriously skewed in his thinking and your intuition is telling you to beware. Listen to your intuition, because your mind will kick in soon telling you all the reasons you should give him another chance.

It's fortuitous that you're away for a week. Give yourself some time to reflect and don't respond to any of his communications.

Let us know how you go.

I'm finding it difficult to calm down and go to sleep so I came back here to see if there was anything new to read. My mind has been spinning a bit, but my resolve has not changed. I turned my phone off so I wouldn't be tempted to read or listen to the messages he continued to send in the last couple of hours. I haven't looked at my e-mails, either. I think maybe it's too early to make sense of this, but in looking back on the last 7 months I still don't see where there were any red flags until the last month. That's probably one of the harder things to deal with because it makes me wonder how I will be able to trust my intuition the next time I'm attracted to someone. We had so many deep conversations throughout our time together and the messages were always consistent. We covered the important topics, and I believed I knew him well. I think he must have been a master of deception as my friends and family all had the highest opinion of him. Sadly, my parents were killed in a car accident 15 months ago so I was not only lacking their input but I think I may have been more desperate for a love connection than I realized. I never felt that way, but it's something I need to consider. I know I need to take time to reflect on all of this. As the night goes on, I am finding myself getting angrier … but I think that is natural and probably even healthy.

I believe you have figured yourself out much more by this situation. Just by what you post now compared to your original post shows that much.

Yes, he probably was very good at hiding his true intentions.

My only new advice to you is to wait. Don't go back to this guy. Next time you find a guy you really click with, don't jump straight to sex. Make sure you completely covered what each other want from it, and take it slow.
Relationships seem to work out better when sex isn't a priority in the beginning.

Have a successful, enjoyable trip. Don't worry about this and come back to a fresh start. He may have become fascinated by the news about Carradine; the timing is suspicious. Don't mistrust your intuition.

As HelpinHere says, take your time next time. The best progression I have found is: acquaintance, buddy, friend, close friend, lover, mate. To take all of those steps should run about 2 to 10 years, but skipping one leads to message boards.

I know so many guys that act the way they want you to believe they are until months later when they think that you are so in love with them that what they are really all about won't matter because they have you so in love with them. There probably wasn't anything you could have said or done that would have made anything go any differently.

One thing I noticed is when you get in another relationship don't pour your heart out about the negatives of your other relationships because often that gives a guy a gauge on what he needs to hide and things to avoid letting you know until later when he thinks he has you wrapped around his finger. They will even hold things you say against you like ''No wonder your boyfriend dumped you'' even if you were the one that had dumped him.

Just stick to your guns, be yourself and don't let any guy get over on you.

Consider yourself lucky this came out BEFORE you was married and had kids.

I consider myself pretty open minded... but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

People die from that all the time... jeeze, go with your heart... you should not be asked to change to suit someone if they truly love you.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I consider myself pretty open minded...but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

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Yeah. And don't forget the other things she didn't list for us, probably out of politeness.:eek:

I was thinking about his "next level" remarks. More like a down a few levels than up to a new level.

Please guys... I'm having my breakfast and I want to keep it down! :(

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Consider yourself lucky this came out BEFORE you was married and had kids.

I consider myself pretty open minded...but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

People die from that all the time....jeeze, go with your heart...you should not be asked to change to suit someone if they truely love you.

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I have to agree. I myself practise BDSM, however the autoerotic aphyxia is dangerous and has caused deaths in many cases! Definitely something to stay away from. Especially with someone you have not known long *a year is not long in my book* nor when BOTH partys are not into it.

Good luck hon. Don't stress over it. You will find someone to love.

It’s been a couple of days now so I thought I’d give an update as a couple of people were kind enough to ask that I do so. I think I realized that what I originally thought was an issue about sex really turned into a much deeper issue about relationships, honesty, trust, and learning something about myself. I’m still pretty upset and disillusioned, but trying to work through it all. My initial response was to throw myself into work, which got me through the days – but the nights were another matter. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating, but I am determined to turn this into a positive. In that regard, I dug into this site and found an amazing thread that I have been reading on the Relationships board entitled, “Girlfriend wants to break up after 5 years”. The struggles of this poster and the advice he is being given have opened my eyes to some amazing insights. I’m about 300 posts into the thread, but I feel such hope for how to proceed. Where I was dreading my return home at the end of the week, I’m now excited that I have a plan in the works and I want to get started on it. I’ve spent the better part of my life working on my education and career goals and now I see the next phase as being focused on self-actualization, for lack of a better term. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s as if a light bulb has gone off in my head.

Remember that the struggles and trials we go through are not in vain when we learn something and can help others with what we learned. I know me and many others on this site have been through many of the things that we answer.
My old boss asked me the other day 'implying' I was a hypocrite that I could tell others about relationship problems when I've had nothing but bad relationships. But it is the people that have went through stuff that know what worked and what didn't.
So even though you have gone through this you now can be stronger and wiser.

You certainly helped me - tell your boss that! Sometimes it's difficult to see the obvious answer when you are so involved, and when you think you know someone so well. I was under the impression that I needed to do something to fix the problem, but the truth was that I couldn't have done anything but what I did... walk away. You can take credit for my action, and I appreciate that.

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

It’s been a couple of days now so I thought I’d give an update as a couple of people were kind enough to ask that I do so. I think I realized that what I originally thought was an issue about sex really turned into a much deeper issue about relationships, honesty, trust, and learning something about myself. I’m still pretty upset and disillusioned, but trying to work through it all. My initial response was to throw myself into work, which got me thru the days – but the nights were another matter. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating, but I am determined to turn this into a positive. In that regard, I dug into this site and found an amazing thread that I have been reading on the Relationships board entitled, “Girlfriend wants to break up after 5 years”. The struggles of this poster and the advice he is being given have opened my eyes to some amazing insights. I’m about 300 posts into the thread, but I feel such hope for how to proceed. Where I was dreading my return home at the end of the week, I’m now excited that I have a plan in the works and I want to get started on it. I’ve spent the better part of my life working on my education and career goals and now I see the next phase as being focused on self-actualization, for lack of a better term. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s as if a light bulb has gone off in my head.

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Reading the experiences of other people can sometimes be our greatest teachers - I'm very glad that you're feeling hopeful and more importantly empowered to continue, despite the lack of sleep and appetite. They do come back!

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

Sometimes it's difficult to see the obvious answer when you are so involved, and when you think you know someone so well. I was under the impression that I needed to do something to fix the problem, but the truth was that I couldn't have done anything but what I did ... walk away.

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The thing is as you have come to see is that we get involved and want to fit everything into the neat little package. Then when it doesn't work that way our judgment gets clouded and confused yet we keep trying to make the round peg fit into the square hole. We end up just sinking further into denial and can't see from any other perspective.

I went the whole week without talking to him, or returning his texts or emails. Today was my first day back at my office, and when I came out to go home he was standing by my car waiting for me. He apologized, but said he didn’t know what else to do because I wouldn’t respond to him. I live in a gated community so he saw my office as the only way to approach me. The bottom line is that he said he realizes that what he wants is unhealthy and dangerous, and he plans to go to therapy to address it. His initial appointment is on Friday. He understands that I don’t want a romantic relationship now, but he wants to know that I will try to be understanding and supportive. He’s asking me to not withdraw my friendship. It would be easiest to just go on with my life and forget about him, but I wonder if there is a chance to help him if I should do it – mostly because he has asked me to help, but also because I know there is a good person in there. I mentioned we met on New Year’s Eve. That was our first date, but we had actually talked extensively by phone, e-mail and g-chat for 6 weeks before that date. A good deal of it was helping me cope with my grief, advice on my parents’ estate, and figuring out what to do with my life.

I’m just looking for some advice. I know at the very least I would have to be clear in my mind to what extent I am willing to be involved and then I need to make sure he understands that. I guess I’m wondering if there is hope here. I’ve talked to my closest friends who encourage me to help – but they see it as a romantic idea. I haven’t told them the details of why we broke up, just that there were some things I couldn’t accept – it seemed wrong to discuss something so personal.

You can be there for a moral support but like you said you need to keep a clear head and see what it is for what it is.
Let him get his therapy and watch his progress. If he does good you should know when, where, what, etc... of what you want.
Take it one day at a time and don't go jumping into anything

I think it was great of him to help you last year, but the situation is very different. Among other things, he had an ulterior motive. You were falling for one another.

Now it's different: you have just broken up with him. Continuing to be in contact with him will be hard on you and make it difficult for you to move on. I respect your decision not to tell your friends about his sexual preferences. (That's a hard one, since you might not necessarily want for them to become involved with him and you also want their support if you decide not to stay in touch with him.)

I think it's inappropriate for him to ask you for help with this. He is trying to maintain contact despite your clearly expressed wish to break off. His appearing outside your work can be construed as romantic, I suppose. But it's also controlling and a boundary violation. His request for help with the very thing that most upsets you is putting the burden on you to help him become healthy. In my opinion, his behavior is manipulative. I think if he really wants to change, he does not need your help to do it. I think his request is just his way of trying to stay in contact, hoping you'll come back. That's understandable, but he wasn't thinking about that when he repeatedly told you that you weren't measuring up sexually.

I would resume NC.

My 2 cents.

No contact is the best way... you NEED to have a clean break... and very few people could remain friiends without any stress in this situation... I am not among those few.