I implied that when I said, "The very fact that I continued to date him and allow him to kiss me seemed to me (and should have indicated to him) like he was pretty high up on my rating scale."Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
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I implied that when I said, "The very fact that I continued to date him and allow him to kiss me seemed to me (and should have indicated to him) like he was pretty high up on my rating scale."Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
And is "good enough" good enough for you, or do you need to rock her world?Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
I'd like to rock her world, IF IT IS POSSIBLE. That is the question I want the answer to.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Why should I not want to rock her world? Is mediocrity somehow a sexy and desirable trait nowadays?
Well, I have a few comments about that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
1. If she seemed to participate herself (move her lips, her body, respond to what I'm doing) I'd feel less need to ask her to tell me how it was. I assume you were reciprocal enough that the guy at least got the impression you enjoyed kissing him.
2. I've been lied to in the past by other women, who spent time telling me everything was "fine" then eventually, I found out from her friend she was afraid to tell me the truth. Then we broke up. Had I known, I could have tried to fix the problem.
I know a LOT of people that just don't want to be alone, and put up with lousy kissing/sex/etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
That's the reason for all this! Of course it could be mostly MY issues with self-esteem, but still. I have trouble believing someone who puts so little effort into making love and other intimate endeavors can possibly enjoy what she is doing or having done to her, unless she is just doing it as her "wifely duty" and really only wants the companionship, father to her kids, etc and couldn't care less about the physical part.
Wondergirl, you probably have no way of knowing, but is it more likely in your opinion that she:
A. Has had better sex with others but loves me so she puts up with it
B. Is having as good of sex as she ever can have or at least as good as she ever has
Or maybe having to continually rate a spouse's performance becomes wearing and puts one off the entire process.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
What kind of work do you do? Do you feel this way about your performance there?Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
I haven't asked her "how was it" in a LONG time.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
However, it was only about 4 sex sessions ago since that's about how much we've done it in the last 8 months.
I don't get it. If I am selfish and don't attempt to make things good for her, I'm a selfish jerk. If I do care, I annoy her and she is disinterested. It's like I can't win no matter what.
It basically sounds like you're telling me to be attentive and take care of her outside the bedroom and learn how her mind works, BUT, act as if I couldn't care less in the bedroom whether she enjoys herself, outside of just doing things the same way we always do.
On THIS VERY BOARD there are other posters with similar problems, being told their wives are probably not satisfied, and that they are just hopping on her and hopping off, and no wonder she doesn't want sex. My situation is that I want to do more but she doesn't seem interested in that!
Most situations like this reveal that the husband is inattentive outside the bedroom. Hence me trying your suggestions although I think I do better already than some guys do.
I seem to have trouble balancing the idea that men should be confident and self-assured with the idea of being sensitive to my wife's needs and feelings both inside the bedroom and out.
No, because I get paid commission (plus a base). My paycheck reflects how I do. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
To protect my identity, I won't give more detail, but it's finance oriented.
Maybe you already overplayed your hand in the past. Again, counseling for you and eventually for both of you might give you the solution.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
So your job and your very livelihood and success are based on your good performance.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
It really sounds like you're just telling me to stop caring how it is for her and to take her word for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Do you have an opinion on my analysis of the word "fine" being used to describe how our sex life is for her?
She always says FINE. Never "good" or anything.
Yes. And?Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Stop caring? Not at all. I asked you to find a counselor, but you indicated you don't have time for one. I asked you to read a book, but don't know if you called your library yet to find out if they own it and can hold it for you to pick up. I suggested you take a two-week break and concentrate on other parts of your relationship, but no report yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
Performance is very important to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
They have it and its on hold. I told you I was taking your advice. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Yeah it is. But don't most jobs require you to perform well? It just seemed like an odd question.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
OK, to keep this from becoming 100 pages long and annoying you further than I already have, I'll try to consolidate my last few points for the day:
As far as me asking her how it was, a quick background on that - early in the relationship I apologized for climaxing so fast. She said "it's fine, really." For THAT question, "fine" is a reasonable answer, since it means "I'm not mad but sure, longer would be better".
Then, I said "well just making sure you're enjoying it as much as me" and she said "oh, it's fine, honey". She's only ever said "fine". That's why I have issue with the word. Maybe I have a hang-up on that word. I just know when it's used in this context it doesn't mean fine as in "fine dining" or "fine art". It means "acceptable" or "mediocre" or "not bad enough to complain about but not great either".
I'll have the book tonight. I do want to try counseling, but I still don't know when this counseling is supposed to happen. I cannot get time off during the day from work, it's just not feasible on a dependable basis. Childcare requirements and the schedules of my wife and I mean before/after work isn't going to cut it, either. I don't get off work until 7pm. How can I explain to her that I'm asking for a night off every week when SHE is far more stressed than I am, no matter what I help with around the house, since she is MOM and the baby is all about Mommy all the time, and sometimes she is the only one that can soothe him, etc. If I offer her one too, that helps some, but, I guess I can't justify within myself that I need it too. I KNOW she's more stressed than me! If I just straight tell her I'm seeing a relationship counselor, what's she going to think?
But in your job, how well you perform is vital to your income. As a librarian, I was lucky to get a raise once a year, and for the last five years before I retired, none of us got one because of the economy. There were no merit increases. As a counselor, my pay is not determined by my performance, and I don't ask clients, "How am I doing?" I find out my worth in how they relate to me and how they conduct their lives.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
There's an excuse for every suggestion. WG, 100 posts and no resolution.
Time to close?
He's going to read a book and report what he thinks of it. New thread then?Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Judy, you were helpful then started being pretty nasty to me. I am trying to be a good husband here.
Wondergirl, you're living up to your name, however. :)
Close the thread, but can I please get an answer to one more question?
My concerns about the word "fine" can someone address that?
Thanks.
Yup. Sounds good.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Actually, I called myself that when I registered for this site because in Libraryland and in counseling I wonder a lot about people and situations and stuff. Since 1998 when I joined my first web site and community, I've always been CeeBee which I wish I could change my name to here.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
If your wife made chocolate chip cookies and you ate several still warm from the oven, with gooey, melty chocolate, and told her they are "fine," what would she think?Quote:
My concerns about the word "fine" can someone address that?
I wouldn't say they were fine. I'd say they were good. That's kind of my point.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I'd say "fine" if they were average and I think she'd know that they were acceptable but not great.
Hit "enter" too soon. I did in fact do that. We were making Christmas cookies and they got a little burned. She knew they were a little burned.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I said "they're a bit burned but fine." That did not mean the same thing as if I'd have said they were great or good.
Here you go...Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
[This is just for fun... or is it.]
http://www.nowpublic.com/culture/wha...e-really-means
Although you're using humor, you kind of get my point!!Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstChair
You know though, maybe the reason I think this is that I have a more expressive, enthusiastic personality than she does. Not a bad or good thing, just a difference between us.Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
What people really mean when they say they are “FINE”
Illustrates what my concern is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
I'm not being "pretty nasty." You post on a public board you get all sorts of opinions and answers.
By the way - I'm an investigator. I have great "spidey senses." Someone came to me with your story and I know exactly how I'd proceed.
But that's for another thread.
You mean you think I'm lying or making stuff up? Believe me, I'm not.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
I'm not getting that. You said sit down and talk (over coffee was how you said you do it) and then not to ask her "how it was" since I do it too much.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
I get that. I'm not sure why you think I 'get a thrill' out of posting stuff. I am trying to answer questions.
What do you mean by how you'd proceed? As the husband, or the wife?
Maybe it's the Italian in you coming out. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
Well I see what you think about your wife when she says, "Fine"Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDude79
F.I.N.E.
Freaked Out!
Insecure!
Neurotic
Emotional
Maybe this is YOU... just say'n
I'm closing this thread -- too much chat and no problems being solved (yet) after 11 pages.
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