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    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 28, 2008, 12:53 AM
    Parents having sex in the same room as their children
    My daughter and her husband live with us. They have 2 daughters ages 6 months and 18 months who share a room with them. I overheard them having sex this afternoon while their 18 month old daughter was lying in her crib awake. I know she was awake because I heard her talking while the bed making bouncing noises associated with sex was going on. This is a small room and one end of her crib touches their bed. The ends of her crib are not solid but have bars instead which means she can see them and they can see her. I confronted my daughter about this and she admitted her daughter was awake but was not looking at them. While that may be true, she can still hear. My concern is for my granddaughters. Is it illegal for them to have sex while she and/or her younger sister is in the room? I would think at the very least it is not the right thing to do.
    J_Nannen's Avatar
    J_Nannen Posts: 33, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    Dec 28, 2008, 12:57 AM

    Obviously it's probably not a positive thing for the child. However, I seriously doubt they're any laws against it. Such a law would be intrusive to families. I'm sure you could talk to a social worker if you are that concerned. However, I wouldn't suggest it as a first step. I'd talk to your daughter and her husband about it first.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Dec 28, 2008, 01:07 AM
    I saw a similar question asked in here and a Christian expert said that in most states there are laws against it. I have confronted my daughter about it and she got upset. I was using the toilet at the time and I couldn't help but hear them. I realize that as married people that they have a right to have sex, but that they should not be doing it with their children in the room. I'm really surprised it didn't kill the mood for both of them. That would have done it for me.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #4

    Dec 28, 2008, 04:11 AM

    I don't know what that expert said, but no, there are no laws against this. One might stretch this as an endangerment to the welfar of a child, but it would be a stretch.

    And how is anyone going to know about it? You going to turn your daughter in? The only way this would become an issue is if its part of a pattern of neglect of the children.

    I would try to turn this around. I would assume your daughter and her family are experiencing hard times that have resulted in them moving in with you and sharing a room. So I would make some offers to watch your grandchildren so they can have some alone time. I would also see what can be done to expand the living quarters or maybe get some screens to separate the kids part of the room.

    Your daughter and her husband are entitled to physical intimacy. Especially if they are experiencing some hard times. Forcing them to be chaste will just put an additional strain on their marriage.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Dec 28, 2008, 09:18 AM
    This room is small and there is no room for dividers. Adding on to the house is not an option as we are low income ourselves. Their bedrom is right next to the bathroom as is my bedroom and they can't help but be heard when someone goes in the bathroom whether it's to use the toilet or whatever. I don't have a problem with them having sex, but they need to do it at a time when no one is up or no one is home and moving around in the house; I sure don't want to hear it. If I have to go to the bathroom real bad, I am certainly not going to wait until they are done to do so. I could watch them, but I do more than the average grandparent does in the way of babysitting and doing things for my grandbabies, a lot more. Whatever happened to my house, my rules? I will not have them corrupting my granddaughters. I honestly don't see how they could be in the mood for sex with one of their babies in there anyway. That sure would kill the mood for me.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #6

    Dec 28, 2008, 09:44 AM

    I notice you didn't give any explanation as to why they are living with you.

    I'm sure you are a helping and concerned grandmother. But I do believe you are making way too much of this. I seriously doubt that they are close to corrupting your granddaughters.

    While I agree with the my house, my rules sentiment, rules, in such a situation need to be tempered with common sense.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Dec 28, 2008, 09:58 AM
    My son-in-law lost his full time lumberyard job at the end of July and 2 months later they were kicked out of their apartment. He is now working nights at the local Walmart, 28 hours a week which is not enough for them to afford their own place. It's not just my granddaughters that I don't want exposed to that. I don't want to hear it, either, and if I have to go to the bathroom, I am going to go. They have a right to have sex, but their timing is lousy. Common sense should tell them that having sex during the day is not a good idea when there are not only their babies here, but 3 other people as well- me, my hubby and my 30 year old autistic son. It's not fair for us to have to restrict ourselves to the front part of the house while they are doing the deed. You are not answering my question. How can they be in the mood for sex with their kids in the room? It would be a mood killer. I am not making too much out of this. My hubby also agrees that they shouldn't be having sex with their babies in the room.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #8

    Dec 28, 2008, 10:10 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lioness57 View Post
    My son-in-law l...is now working nights at the local Walmart, 28 hours a week . . . Common sense should tell them that having sex during the day is not a good idea when there are not only their babies here, but 3 other people as well- me, my hubby and my 30 year old autistic son.

    How can they be in the mood for sex with their kids in the room? It would be a mood killer. I am not making too much out of this. My hubby also agrees that they shouldn't be having sex with their babies in the room.
    To answer your question, people have been having sex in the same room with small children for thousands of years. It's doesn't really require much explanation. If both parties are motivated, they just do it. It's possible that your daughter is inhibited but giving into your son in law. You'd have to ask her. But that's not really at issue. What is going on inside their heads isn't really your business at this point. I don't think the 18 month old is even going to remember this when she is older and it will only be a big deal to the extent you make it one.

    What I want to ask you is, if the son is working nights and you don't want him and your daughter to have sex during the day, what hours when he is home would be acceptable to you? Obviously, they can't have sex at night if he is not there. So what hours would work for everyone? If you can name some reasonable amount of time and then give them some privacy during those hours, wouldn't that satisfy everyone's needs? When is he home when you can tolerate the thought of them having sex?
    jjwoodhull's Avatar
    jjwoodhull Posts: 1,378, Reputation: 239
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    #9

    Dec 28, 2008, 10:16 AM
    I do not think they are harming the children - they are very young and will not remember. The good news is that through all their problems, your daughter and her husband still hava a healthy, loving relationship.

    I understand the concept of your house, your rules. But I think you are over reacting to the situation. They are married adults. Do you think that in all her years in your house she never heard you and your husband?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #10

    Dec 28, 2008, 10:29 AM

    Personally, I'd think that treating it like it was a good thing if a child sees it rather than a traumatic "OH MY GOD!" thing would give a child a healthier attitude towards sex.

    Sounds to me like your issue isn't the kids seeing it, it's YOU having to hear it.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Dec 28, 2008, 10:38 AM
    My son-in-law works Wed. Thurs. Fri. an Sat. and has Sun. Mon. and Tues. off. My daughter may have heard us having sex at some point, but we never did it with her in the room and usually if we heard anyone near our door we would stop what we were doing until they left the area. We used to live in Michigan and would come down here every summer to visit. My son slept on the couch and me, my hubby and I would sleep in my younger sister's old room as my old room was otherwise occupied. He and I tried some quiet sex play while our daughter slept nearby, and I just couldn't get aroused no matter what he did, and yes, we were quiet. You may think I am making too much out of this, but I am entitled to my opinions and feelings. No one has the right to tell me how to think and feel. I am done with this issue and am moving on.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #12

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lioness57 View Post
    You may think I am making too much out of this, but I am entitled to my opinions and feelings. No one has the right to tell me how to think and feel. I am done with this issue and am moving on.
    Yes you are entitled to your opinions and feelings. But rememer YOU opened this issue, you asked the question. If you weren't interested in the advice of others or weren't going to listen then why ask the question?

    I'll answer my own question here. Your reaction is typical of what we often see here. People ask a question expecting to get backup and affirmation of their opinions. When they don't get, they react pretty much as you have reacted.

    The fact is the reaction you got is that YOU seem to be the problem here and that, at the least, your reaction to the situation was over the top. You have the right to ignore the advice but you do so on your own.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #13

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:03 AM

    You are certainly entitled to your feelings and opinions... since it is your home, and it bothers you, tell them so.
    Just as you have your feelings, so do they however and they obviously don't mesh with yours in regard to how someone could want to have sex with a small child in the room. It won't emotionally harm your granddaughters however, so you don't have to worry in that regard.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #14

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:12 AM

    You live in a small house and you are sensitive on this issue. Propose that they try to confine themselves to "dates" on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, when you will let the kids sleep with you at the other end of the house. Ask them if they need to do it at other times, they be extremely quiet and stop when you are using the bathroom. That's the best compromise I can think of. But you need to communicate with both of them about this and let them offer their side. Listen to them as you would want to be heard and think before you object to whatever they say. The key here is communication.

    This is not a legal or moral issue. It's a matter of taste and sensitivity and respect--on both sides.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:13 AM
    My reaction
    I don't believe my reaction is over the top. My daughter and son-in-law need to respect our feelings on such matters. We are willing to meet them half way on things, but it can't be all their way all the time. This is our house, and I repeat, our house, our rules. May I suggest that you contact fr_chuck on here. He is the Christian expert who said that it is illegal. He didn't answer my question, but he answered a question similar to mine. I suggest you read the question pink4life252 asked and read the answers not only fr_chuck supplied but others as well. I am not the only person in this world who feels like I do.
    jjwoodhull's Avatar
    jjwoodhull Posts: 1,378, Reputation: 239
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    #16

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lioness57 View Post
    My son-in-law works Wed., Thurs. Fri. an Sat. and has Sun., Mon., and Tues. off. My daughter may have heard us having sex at some point, but we never did it with her in the room and usually if we heard anyone near our door we would stop what we were doing until they left the area. We used to live in Michigan and would come down here every summer to visit. My son slept on the couch and me, my hubby and I would sleep in my younger sister's old room as my old room was otherwise occupied. He and I tried some quiet sex play while our daughter slept nearby, and I just couldn't get aroused no matter what he did, and yes, we were quiet. You may think I am making too much out of this, but I am entitled to my opinions and feelings. No one has the right to tell me how to think and feel. I am done with this issue and am moving on.
    You asked for our opinions and we gave them. I'm sure you meant to thank us for taking the time to help. Your welcome.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:22 AM
    Thank you for your answer. There is no way the kids can sleep anywhere in the house other than where they are. There are only 3 bedrooms in this house- the one where they and their parents sleep, mine and my hubby's room and my son's room, that's it. I don't know what else to do other than maybe to take them and our son for a car ride once a week so they can have some alone time or to stay in the livingroom for a short period a couple times a week on his days off.
    A_Friend's Avatar
    A_Friend Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:27 AM

    I believe they should avoid doing it once she turns 2 years old. Anyway, this is normal in other parts of the world as well. But wise parents quit doing it before their children before they acquire a sense / realization of these kind of activities.

    Besides, it's also not right to 'overhear' what's happening in your daughter's room with her husband - respect their privacy as well. And if you don't like them having sex in your home ask you wife to inform your daughter.

    They'll be careful.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #19

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:33 AM

    The brain structures that make long term memories form at around age two. Not that children can't learn earlier, but it's not memories of specific events.
    lioness57's Avatar
    lioness57 Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Dec 28, 2008, 11:37 AM
    I was on the toilet tending to some very urgent business, something I could not wait to do. Our walls are thin and I couldn't help but hear what was going on. I was not straining to hear. I could hear it loud and clear.

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