Originally Posted by
kp2171
short answer is if keeping it in the drawer helps you, id keep it in the drawer more than not.
i agree with some of what has been said.
i believe self stim can be a very useful tool for understanding what you need and respond to best. i also believe that its possible to "train" yourself to anticipate a pattern of stimulation that brings you to orgasm, and in some cases this might limit your ability to release mentally, then physically, when the stimulation you receive isnt "on cue".
im the easiest lay ive ever had. i can guarantee myself an orgasm with self stim. but that doesnt mean i can't hit it faster and more powerfully with other stim. sometimes its a case of failure begets failure, and success begets success. meaning maybe a "win" with him can get you to mentally believe it can and will happen.
so... its great he seems willing to spend time on you. how do you find middle ground now? losing the mental block (frustration from not hitting orgasm) is key, but like i said... sometimes its hard to release this until you actually get a win or two.
have you tried different positions and/or self stimulation during sex? self stim during intercourse can be one of the most important things you can do, and my experience is a woman who might experience pleasure but not orgasm with sex might be able to hit orgasm more consistently with either self stim during sex or having your parter stim you likewise.
one lover could hit orgasm pretty much all the time, but she needed wet finger stim at the clitoris. now... she was unique in that she could take rather strong stimulation, so it was easier for me to be on top, kneeling, and using my fingers for clitoral stim, allowing her to simply lay back and release.
the next lover couldnt stand such direct pleasure, but could reach orgasm if she was able to self stim during intercourse.
we all get desensitized to some degree and in different ways. just the sight of a bra strap used to make me rock hard when i was 16. sure, a peek of lingerie can still arouse me, but some of the mystery is gone... and your biggest errogenous zone is your mind and your ability to mentally release, be lost in the moment.
the question is are you less sensitized due to self stim, or are you letting letting sexual tension build by not self stimulating? is your drive strong and/or how does it compare to your partners?
also, spending a lot of time on you isnt necessarily the right thing if what he is doing is "wrong" for you. i can honesty say if i did only what i liked and wanted, foreplay wouldnt do a lot for my lover. the time i spend on her is about building sensual tension, but not through "standard" kissing, necking, etc. just 20 mintues of sensual touch (skin on skin, teasing, light massage) can be enough time for my lover to reach a heightened state of sensitivity... then, with oral, more patience is needed.
if i go right at the clitoris, it is useless. too much, too soon.
likewise, you need to try to direct him. when my lover said "lick here" i took notice and she responded very well. as ive said many times before, by the times im at the clitoris she should be pulling me to it... and even then, much can go wrong. like a said, a previous lover Needed a strong "thrashing", but most others have preferred a lighter touch.
the point about hormone levels isnt something to ignore, especially long term and if your drive is low.
so... might take time for you to find what works for you. my lover never, ever gets off on bottom, missionary. it feels good, but simply doesnt get her there. not with me, not with others, not with self stim... tho' i suspect she could with a clitoral vibe. she responds much better to side positions and others where she has the option of self stim, and also responds well to woman on top. but... unless she can mentally be primed and properly sensitized... well, i could do "all the right things" and not get her there.