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-   -   I don't know what to think (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=798929)

  • Aug 10, 2014, 09:48 PM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    I don't know what to think
    I have been married to my husband for 13 years... I found a brand new vibrator in his nightstand drawer and it is not one we bought together and I don't know what to think obviously I am not enough... is this normal? Is he gay!
  • Aug 11, 2014, 06:32 AM
    CravenMorhead
    He's not gay. There is no set straight, bi, or gay. It is all on a scale to be honest and everyone falls somewhere on it. Straight people tend to be higher on the hetro side of it, homosexuals more on the homo, and bisexual more in the middle. As evidence of that, you both play in the bedroom quite a bit I would assume from your comment of buying sex toys together. So from that you can gather that he likes putting his penis in your vagina, withdrawing, inserting, withdrawing, inserting, ad nauseum. It would appear that he also likes his prostrate stimulated as well.

    Which brings us to prostrate stimulation. You know how you have your regular orgasms, but when your husband hits just that perfect place and you have a "Mind-blowing" orgasm. That is what stimulating the prostrate does for guys. Chances are he's expirementing with this and he's a little afraid of, and it would seem rightly so, what you will think of this. Sit back and relax, this isn't anything serious nor is it life changing. He probably left it out so that you would find it and you could start a dialogue with him about it. Which is exactly what you should do. This requires communication and acceptance on your part as to not belittle him. As you get more comfortable in your marriage, partner, and farther along in your life, you will tend to do some more exploring sexually. This is his thought of going from, "I wonder what it would feel like...." to "I am going to try this" to maybe "I wonder if I can get my wife interested in this. Granted he has gone through this process a little backwards and not really well but his overture is there.

    So what do you do? As I suggest above, you are going to need to talk to him about this. Notice how I said talk to him, not confront him, but talk to him. All those big and scary thoughts that are running through your head right now need to be pushed to the side and you need to approach this with an open mind. If you don't... than it is going to go sideways. He is probably looking for a little validation from you. Just remember that he hasn't changed and he's still the person you know and love. He just might want to explore anal play.

    Good Luck.
  • Aug 11, 2014, 06:33 AM
    smoothy
    Why would a vibrator mean he's gay? Is a woman gay if she buys a vibrator?

    I'm more concerned with the fact you have been married for 13 years and apparently can't talk to each other.
  • Aug 11, 2014, 09:56 AM
    Jake2008
    If he were interested in the prostate stimulation, why wouldn't he have used any of the vibrators already there?

    Why go to the trouble of buying a new one.

    And, if communication in the bedroom is happening, why couldn't he just talk about it?
  • Aug 11, 2014, 10:10 AM
    Cat1864
    Perhaps he got it as a surprise and didn't think you would go through his nightstand drawer before he surprised you?

    Maybe he is interested in prostrate stimulation and wanted a vibrator that was 'his' not 'yours'? For health issues he wanted his own?

    How old is he? Has he had any health issues or erectile issues that might have him looking for ways to 'fix' any arousal/performance problems?

    I agree that you need to talk with him. When you do, put aside your own insecurities so that you can fully listen to what he says.
  • Aug 11, 2014, 11:03 AM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    Ok first of we have only bought one ir two sex toys together and I am very very very open about sex and very willing to try anything with him.. I have always told him this too.. I cant help but think something's up because I am very open and cant help but wonder why he would not come to me!!
  • Aug 11, 2014, 11:19 AM
    odinn7
    So it comes back to this...ask him..talk to him. We don't know why he would not come to you. You are in the best position to find this out.
  • Aug 11, 2014, 11:20 AM
    Cat1864
    You are looking at this from your point of view. Take a moment to step back and look at it from his.

    How open about sex is he? Is he comfortable with discussing what he is thinking or wanting to try? Is he comfortable with discussing any fears he might have about growing older/health issues and his ability to perform?
  • Aug 11, 2014, 01:18 PM
    CravenMorhead
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    If he were interested in the prostate stimulation, why wouldn't he have used any of the vibrators already there?

    Why go to the trouble of buying a new one.

    And, if communication in the bedroom is happening, why couldn't he just talk about it?

    It was my though process. If I am going to be experimenting with something I want to be as discrete as possible. I don't want the wife to be asking why the rabbit smells faintly of poo. Maybe he wanted to try something specific. I was just going by the feel of the post.
  • Aug 11, 2014, 03:23 PM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    I just know that I am going without and believe me I have never ever turned him away.. But I have noticed as of lately he can go 3 or 4 weeks without a desire to make love I know it would make anyone wonder whats going on then I find this and it has made me wonder what is wrong with me?

    I approached it on a lighthearted way and asked why he did not take me I would have loved to go with him to purchase he then told me he found it in our sons and his girlfriend room... which I don't even understand why he would say that
  • Aug 11, 2014, 03:34 PM
    Cat1864
    At the risk of repeating myself, how old is he? Has he had any health issues or erectile issues that might have him looking for ways to 'fix' any arousal/performance problems?

    Have you discussed the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage with him? Does he show affection and intimacy in other ways?

    Bedroom issues usually are not restricted to one room or piece of furniture. What is the bigger picture? How well do the two of you communicate and interact in other areas of your life?

    Added after reading your last post, is there a possibility he is telling the truth? How old are the son and girlfriend?
  • Aug 11, 2014, 03:42 PM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    My son is 23 and his girlfriend 22... wow I don't know too many people that would take a vibrator out of a another couples room seriouslly what could be a reason to do that? He used to be very affectionate at the begging of our relationship and he is 47 and we don't have any erectile dysfunction history
  • Aug 11, 2014, 03:46 PM
    odinn7
    So when he told you it was theirs and he took it...did you ask him why he would do that or did you just walk away?
  • Aug 11, 2014, 03:51 PM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    I looked at him and said OK you better put it back because they will miss it...
  • Aug 11, 2014, 04:05 PM
    Cat1864
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Gettnunbuttheiz View Post
    My son is 23 and his girlfriend 22... wow I don't know too many people that would take a vibrator out of a another couples room seriouslly what could be a reason to do that? He used to be very affectionate at the begging of our relationship and he is 47 and we don't have any erectile dysfunction history

    Actually, I don't consider it a reason however plausibility rests in if it is something he might do. You know your husband and if it is in the realm of possible actions he might take.

    Has he had any health issues including heart, diabetes, etc. and/or is he on any medications (including self-medicating with alcohol or other substances?) Did anything happen in his/your lives about the time the slow-down started? Has he been stressed due to work, friends, family, finances, etc.?

    When he is affectionate how do you react?
  • Aug 11, 2014, 07:14 PM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    When he wants to make love it is welcomed he always has the same routine it has been that way for probably the last 3 years and I have tried to make it exciting or different I have also been the one to initate making love and probably half those times he shot me out of the sky.. and believe me when he does even something extra like a kiss or actually do it doggie style instead of missionary I tell him how awesome it is... He had a about 3 years were alcohol and some drugs were involved and that is not a issue now and has not for a good year
  • Aug 12, 2014, 06:01 AM
    CravenMorhead
    I don't buy the "I found this in my Adult Kid's room" excuse. It is a start, but that doesn't seem plausible. Good reaction to it though.

    He's 47, he could be facing some health issues, how is life style right now? You said that he was abusing drugs and alcohol, are you certain he's clean or at least using them at a appropriate level? How about work right now, how is his stress level going? I am starting to think this is more of a libido issue than anything. I know this question is shallow, but has there been any great change in appearance, you or your husband, in the last few years? Ie, lost a lot or gained a lot of weight?
  • Aug 12, 2014, 06:11 AM
    Fr_Chuck
    It sounds like there is a great communication issue, you don't know how to talk to him, he is not talking to you
  • Aug 12, 2014, 06:51 AM
    Gettnunbuttheiz
    I don't know how I could have done it differently..
  • Aug 12, 2014, 06:57 AM
    talaniman
    You do yourself a great disservice making this about you, and assume it has something do with YOU. Likely not. Relax and drop the assumptions as many a man his age goes through changes that he has to adjust too, just because he is older and his world is changing. Fight the feeling to fill in the blanks of the unknown and come to a conclusion that freaks you out as the discovery of new toy has freaked you out. Discovery may have even freaked him out too.

    I say this because of all the assumptions you have made from him being gay, to thinking his drug and alcohol problems are over. From your being open about things to him NOT being as open as you are. Obviously the communications is not that clear at this time and likely he may not understand what he is going through, or cannot express it at this time. Sorry he is the only one to enlighten and reassure you and I think you practice the process of learning the truth with a lot of calm patience, and fight the need to assume and presume.

    Keep it simple and straight, and make it known you do NOT understand, and are just concerned that something is happening. Recognize that whatever the truth behind this is he may be wrestling with it too. At least you won't be distracted by your own fears and scare yourself with ASSUMPTIONS.

    To be frank, most guys in that age range start to feel the tug of time when our youth is replaced with physical, mental, and emotional changes that are natural, but at the same time BAFFLING. I think as he wraps his head around whatever this is, then he can open up to you about it, so calm patience is my advice as you get to the truth of this matter, along with NOT assuming its about you being inadequate. Get control of your own feelings so you can understand his.

    Good luck. It's a challenge, and not necessarily a disaster. You just need more facts, and not just feelings to understanding him.

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