He is 41 yrs old. The reason he lives with his parents is a long one but trust me I do understand why and it is a valid reason for now.
His job is stressful yes, but his libado is fine because when he does hold me trust me all things do work..

We have discussed what's on his mind. He tells me that he trusted me completely with his heart and never questioned anything I ever said or did. Also that he never thought that I would do the things I did. I feel I talked to this women because she sparked my interest with what she said, and his reactions caused me to get to the point where I couldn't take it.
How can you say that sex is what this is all about... do you understand that there hasn't been any in 9 months..! The easiest solution for both of us would be to walk, and also the most obvious... I don't need that for a suggestion I know that option and obviously neither have choose it. There is a reason for that.. See everything else is in place.
We have fun when were together we have a likes and dislikes for the same things, we have gone on vacations and had fun, we both have kids but he don't have custody of his.
You have to understand I love this man and by him staying in the picture and not walking away if he truly feels that I delt him dirt for what ever reason speaks for itself.
What I want is what do I do to make this better not only for me but for him also.

but centering the problem around no sex makes it seem as if it is the most important thing in the relationship?

That is what I said, and its my fault for not stating it as a question. Your original post is centered around no sex and how that poses a problem for you. You made it seem as a grave thing, and I was questioning you just to make sure that it wasn't the case. If everything else in the relationship is great, awesome without a doubt and fulfilling and if you love him that much, does sex really matter to you? That was what I was trying to get at, is all.

Yes it matters to me or there wouldn't be an issue at all.. Like I said he refers to sex as being the frosting on the cake. Well I feel that sex is important not as a center but as a bond. It is what I can offer him that I would offer no other man while I was with him, that makes him special. But because he don't offer it to me... is the bond broke, can there be a healthy relationship without it? I am a very sensual person but also very faithful. I love this man and I need to help him fix what ever is causing him to stay away.. Should I just give him time and will it heal him?

Or should I put it this way... Because its lacking it seems to be the most important issue at hand... Jesus I don't want my cake to crumble and Cave in...

I am so surprised that you type all this - and yet stick it out with this guy.

There are so many great guys out there that would die to have you be there forthem like that - there are som any women who sleep around and other stuff.

You're so faithful to this guy and for what??

Nothing. And I don't mean just sex.

How some of us women love to hang onto the belief that we can "fiix" him. The reality is no one can ever fix someone else. No one.

I've read enough here to think its wake up time for you, sweetie.

Stop and think about it Jujewbean, if he was as good as you make him out to be, he would also be receptive to your needs. I know that is hard to face up to, but its true. You yourself said it when you said you've been treated better. And you deserve that. But he isn't receptive to you and that means he isn't a suitable match for you. And he isn't receptive.

Between two grown functional adults, this issue is a non issue -- they talk about it, discuss it and have the skills necessary to compromise, adjust and work it out.

It really does stand to reason that if you are complaining a lot like you are, then there isn't much we can do here, dear. There really is something wrong with your relationship and its time to consider ending it. And if its not worth leaving over, then its not fair to define it as such a problem to begin with-- can you see that?

You seem prepared to live with it, so by all means live with it but you'll have sacrificed a lot in the process and you know it too. There really isn't any more that can be said about it. Good luck to you.

I agree with valinors_sorrow on this one, which is just about what I had been trying to say earlier... as muddled as my explanation had been :)

I have seen many female cry, beach, and moan about how bad she is being treated, and then have the nerve to use BUT I love him. Sorry, but after reading through the three pages here, and your semi long post, I think either you make up your mind and stop being played like a donkey, and cut this overgrown semi-manipulative loser loose. Find REAL happiness, or shut up, and eat his crap and be in as much love as you can handle. He is a loser and has you thinking so are you, and you will be if you stay. Sorry for the anger, I just hate to see losers like him abuse good females like you, and it makes me even madder that YOU LET HIM. Listen to what was said to you here and make up your mind who YOU ARE, and if you want to be happy or not and get out of this relationship. You deserve so much better, can't you see that?

It's hard to understand exactly why you "love" this guy. It doesn't sound like he's a very loveable guy. You seem totally unhappy with him yet you won't leave him. He obviously isn't very vested in this relationship. I'd walk away from this one. He's only stringing you along. You're getting nothing out of this relationship except lost time. Your life is going down the drain with this guy.

Thank you all for all of your thoughts and help... Hmmmm I think I may have known the answers to all my questions before the post... Now... The task... of just doing it... Thank you all again... Ciao'... Jujewbean

You welcome hope everything works out for you... Good Luck!!

First thing I want to say is Ma Ma's boy. He sounds very controlling. Does not sound like he does love you. Time to walk and find somebody that you can actually be intimate with.

Joe

You walk and stop him manipulating you and making you play his head games.

I think it works like that a lot... that we all know the answers to our problems but simply need some solid reminding or to borrow some courage to face the truth we have been avoiding. Once you know the truth, its easy to determine what to do but not necessarily easy to do. If you are leaving him, may I gently remind you that its not just what you leave behind that matters here but what good things you have coming to you too. You deserve happiness!

Maybe he's gay and still in the closet? Just a wild guess. Whatever it is, it's gone on long enough to prove he's not really interested in changing. What happened with your saintly ex-husband? If he died, it would indeed be a hard act to follow, but knowing what a really good relationship is like should make you unwilling to settle for the half-a-loaf this guy is giving you. Sounds like you do know what to do.

I really hope whatever path you take works for you. Please let us know as we wait for your update with bated breath. Good Luck!

You can't fix or help someone who doesn't want to fix himself or want help!
Happiness is very important in a relationship, I don't see a lot of happiness here. Love is vital but it needs other attribute's to make the full love fall in complete place.

Right! You can never fix a guy - and when a guy knows a woman is trying to fix he who try even harder to keep her from fixing.

This gu yhas very little to offer and at 41 he is SET in his way - there isn't any more sex coming. I am 40 and I need it all the time - he must has some massive issues you don't want to deal with.

I think if there is no real ties with him , like are u guys living together ? If live with your parents or on your own I really think it is time to move on...

I can sense your frustration and hurt over this subject, but honestly I think it is time for you to break up with this control-freak loser and find someone who isn't so neurotic. It is a huge indicator that he still lives at home, and perhaps he has sort of a Peter-Pan syndrome and refuses to grow up? This could explain a lot of his refusal to have sex with you...

In essence he is using sex like a weapon and something to lord over you when all he wants to do is pick a fight and have someone to blame all of HIS problems on. Life is too short for that kind of treatment and the drama associated with it.

Dump him and I can guaruntee that you will be 100% happier and free to find someone who isn't a big drain on your emotions... in addition you might actually get some!

He's a loser who doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve this BS. If he lies to you, and doesn't make a show of any intimate behaviors then he is NOT your boyfriend and isn't worth your time.

Axe him. Grieve for the loss of a relationship you thought was working, and then get out on the town and find a good man! I know there are some out there somewhere!

~Kitty~

PS- This former friend of his did you a favor, by the way-- if he has treated other people like this and he is treating you like this now-- cut bait and run. This guy sounds like he could be trouble and the last thing you need is to weight yourself down with him. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

I hope you can find someone who will appreciate a good hug. This guy has serious issues. Living at home at 41! Flag number 1. Okay why is he living at home? Insecurity? Afraid to step out? I think this would translate into afraid of commitment too. No hugs? I can't get over that one.

Flag #2. He is mad because you put his stuff to the curb? It sounds like he is a little spoiled. What does he talk about when he calls? Does he complain and whine about stuff in the past you have done to him? If so he is all negative.

I am 39 and married. I can't get enough hugs. I wish my wife would hug me more. There are people in this world that either want the contact or don't. He is a non contact player. Move on. You can not change him. I am a touchy feely person and when I don't have basic contact I lose it. My mood changes and I feel really disjointed. You are going to be a great catch for some very lucky guy. Move on.

Think of how good it will feel to be with someone who loves and respects you. No grudges held. Okay are you ready I am sending you a hug. I am actually hugging my monitor. Hug yours too. Uhhh you are so warm... move your arm up a little... this way... right there... yeah... keep holding on press into me.

Okay. Enough people here at the library are looking at me. Just kidding. I am home. They would have been.

There is someone out there for you who will love you. My daughter is on my back and wants a piggy back ride. Got to go.

Take care.

James