What if he had told you in the beginning he watched porn, and would keep doing it no matter how you felt? Would you have even dated him for a year, or at all?

If he told me in the beginning then I wouldn't mind as much. But if he said from the start he wouldn't be willing to stop or at least cut down for me, then I would wonder what other areas he would be selfish in and I wouldn't think that he would love me. But he wants to change because he does feel that he was wrong. And I do so much for him and I have sacrificed a lot for him

That's going to change... First not because its wrong... as it wasn't... but the older you get... the more you realise pressuring the other into doing something other than they want is too much like living under your parents... and resentment WILL begin to grow...

What seems reasonible to the mindset of someone barely an adult in their very early 20's... is going to infuriate the same people by 30. I'm 51... I've lived and experienced all those stages... (and don't doubt there will be a few more before I check out... )


Like its so wrong he speaks with another female if he has you... or him getting upset because you spoke to another guy because you have him... something you might have grown out of by now... but just a few years ago might have seemed reasonible in your teens.

And like that most people see what's wrong with dictating or pressuring (its the same thing) what can and can't be watched... and if he was really into football and you really hated it... how would that be any different if you tried to keep him from that?

When I hear "sacrifice" when it comes to a relationship... red flags start going up.

Relationships that are meant to be... don't require frequent or constant sacrifice... sacrifices are forcing something to work... that doesn't naturally work.. You discover this usually only after falling into a relationship that's just right the way it is... and nobody has to change anything or sacrifice anything. THAT is the type of relationship that lead to my marriage. And kept that marriage together for over 20 years... one could also call it mutual respect... meaning we each respect each other the way we are... naturally.

I realize my opinions will probably change on it but as of now I am not comfortable with him watching it

My suggestion... work harder on dealing with it... before he decides its not worth dealing with...

Speaking as a guy... who knows how guys think. We will tell you one thing to get you to stay quiet about it... and go do it anyway... while developing resentment the whole time.

Eventually it builds to the point we decide... (fill in a name) is pretty nice and she doesn't seem like this.

I believe you are going to understand this over time... many people do... but usually after leaving a string of relationships in shambles before it dawns on them... a few never do... and they end up divorced a number of times... single at 50 or 60, bitter and convinced its everyone else's fault... not theirs...

No don't take that as a personal jab... it wasn't meant to be... I actually know people like that... who I can and do consider friends... but hell would freeze over before I'd have anything to do with them romantically because of the attitudes they developed even if I woke up single tomorrow..

Seriously... I know a couple single divorced women... (who never dated anyone seriously since their divorces) some of whom have been divorced for in the range 15 years and still act like they got divorced last week or are still in the middle of one... (talk about holding grudges).

You have to learn to let some things go... lifes too short. Focusing on the negatives... only keeps you from seeing the positives. I know I became a happier person when I learned to do that.

Sure my wife does a few things that upset me from time to time... I have learned to let it go because her other positives offset the few negatives.

That was extremely well put Smoothy.

You have an agreement made with him under duress, and trying to lessen the effects of arguing about his porn use, and as always happens now it has become a trust issue on your part. That may be an indication of other things just beneath the surface that are not as obvious as the porn issue which is easily identified.

Why do I think that at the heart of this is you wanting him to sacrifice as much as you think you have or he hasn't given as much as you have? Did you have resentments already that made the porn an easy target to vent about? Wonder what other issues were annoying you but you have never said anything about?

There really is nothing I resent him for or anything else that bothers me about him besides this. I accept him for who he is and don't judge his imperfections and I am not perfect either. I am just upset that he gets off to other women when he has me and lies about it. That's really it.
That's really all

They aren't really "other women." They are breasts and butts and other female body parts. YOU are the real and complete woman in his life and the one who satisfies his soul as well as his body. Don't push him into a corner and make him lie.

You are right. Thank you:)

I don't think the promise is worth much. He promised the same before. Your values don't mesh about porn.

I don't think you're repressed or that there's anything at all wrong with you. You just have a different standard for your relationship than does your partner. These things are pretty deeply entrenched, so I don't think either of you are likely to change. The larger issue isn't porn, but rather the fact that he told you what he thought you wanted to hear, then did whatever he wanted behind your back. He knew doing so you'd likely find out - these things rarely stay hidden for long - and that when you did, it would upset you.

This discussion got sidetracke into a pro/con for porn. The only opinion on porn that matters is yours. If you can accept it, then you need to tell him you can accept it and what the boundaries are. If you can't, you need to rethink the relationship because he isn't likely to really stop using it and at a fundamental level, he disagrees about it with you.

My concern would be that you could replace porn with another conflict. Say you had a shared goal to a $50 cash allowance each per week, with the rest of your money going to budget items and savings toward your first house. How would you feel if he agreed to only spend $50, then spent $75 figuring what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you?

Or what if you have children one day and you agree to use "time out" with the child for a particular behavior. He's all on board when you talk about it, but when you leave and he's with the kids, he blows off the time out because he truly doesn't agree with it.

I personally would rather my partner tell me flat out, "I'm not on the same page with you - I think you're wrong and I'm not going along with you on this one". I might concede, might work for a compromise or might decide that we're not compatible. In any event, at least we're both operating from an understanding of each other that's relevant and true.

As for whether you feel you can have sex with him, I really don't think the porn is about you. It's his fantasy life separate from real life. That said, I wouldn't have sex with someone I couldn't trust to tell me the truth. What else has he lied about in the relationship? That question would remain in my mind.

He said that he feels ashamed and embarrassed about himself for hiding porn. I guess I understand why he lied about it. He hasn't lied to me about anything else (that I know of) and he has been trustworthy in every other way.

Its only a lie because she was pushing him into saying something she really didn't have a right to make him say...

If one time You made a promise to have a threesome.. or ave anal sex and you just to make him hapopy even if you never really intended to do it (doesn't matter if it was under durress or the heat of the moment)... then you get upset if he brings it up when he wants it... how is that promise any different? You promised him you would... therefore under the same argument you should have done it because you promissed?

Well the basic flaw in this stance is... he's an adult... and not subordinate to you any more than you are to him... therefore the person pressuring for a promise didn't have any moral right to be demanding it to begin with... and absolutely no more than he would have pressuring you into having a threesome you didn't really want to have.

You are both adults and make your own decisions... Husbands and wives don't even get to force the other into doing what they don't want to do.

How is forcing someone to make a promise then holding them to it and different than pressuring someone to agree to have a threesome then holding them to that same promise?

The answer is there isn't one...

And the people that get the most upset.. are usually the least willing to do anything someone else was pushing them to do oddly enough. Thus the control issues... either overt or passive-agressive. As long as THEY are making the demands its all justified.. however if the tables were turned... they would be screaming loudly.

Seen it way too often... and even older people do it sometimes... but rarely as aften as people from 14 through 26-28 do.


Incidentally... if I was dating someone who came up to me and called me a liar... more than once... would have found herself walking home... literally... not figuratively.


Last one that pulled that with me... was left at a bus station to buy her own ticket home... about 2,000 miles from home. A few others had to call and have someone pick them up from a party after they got in my face and I walked out.

Respect is a two way street... if you want it... you better be ready to show it, single or married.

Never really think old saying have any real significance...

Here's one that fits... "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander." Make him promisse something he doesn't want to do... you better be ready to do the same... fair is fair.

But basically making someone make dumb playground promises just cheapens the value of a real promise made from the heart.

Reminds me of the commercial about honest Abe being asked by Martha "does this dress make my butt look big?", and because he couldn't lie and say "NO DEAR!", Martha stalked off pissed.

Not all lies are meant to deceive. Some are to save hurt feelings, or big arguments you can't win. Stay off his phone!!

But if a person did lie, then calling him/her a liar is calling him/her what he/she is. It's different than a false accusation. And, in this case, regardless of why he lied, he did lie.
(ha, I think all of these 'he/she' inserts are why we always use 'they' when referring to a singular hypothetical person)

At any rate, I think a practical perspective is the easiest way to be objective about the whole thing. It's nice that he made that promise but it could very well be as sincere as the initial lie. He told it to spare your feelings and/or save him the grief that the truth would bring. It's not impossible that he meant it, but if I were you, I'd be prepared for that promise to be insincere.

You have two choices: You can stay with him, accept the way he is and stop bugging him to be someone else OR you can leave him. You have to pick one, with all conditions. If you choose to stay now that you know the truth, you have to be prepared for him to persist in being himself (i.e. to not change) and you cannot ask him to.

Smoothy, it seems you have misunderstood my advice.

I'm not suggesting that this lady tell her boyfriend what to do. I'm suggesting that she determine whether his using pornography is a deal breaker issue for her. He's not likely to change, nor to be honest about it if that's her expectation. So, if it bothers her as much as is appears to, it seems she might want to break up with him. I would suggest she do, not out of spite or anger or to punish him like a child, but because they are not compatible in an important aspect of their relationship.

Nor am I recommending that she tell him what to do. I think it's a waste of time to boss our partners around, personally - they resent it, don't usually follow through and it reduces an adult relationship to something childish. To me, it makes more sense to choose someone with whom we're compatible to start with, and then, to have a mutual expectation and commitment to act honestly and honorably in resolving disagreements. Some disagreements are deal breakers and neither side can or should give in. Others are more minor, and they can make adjustments, each moderting their behavior out of consideration for the other. You're right that she can't call all the shots, but she certainly can draw some boundaries about what she can accept in the relationship, and it might mean that if he isn't in agreement, they can't stay together. He probably has some deal breaker issues as well.

For example, I would not be with a guy who's an alcoholic and expect him to change for me. Since I don't like being around excessive drinking, I would only date a moderate drinker. On the other hand, if I were with a guy (and I am) with whom I agreed on the big things, I'd let some of the small stuff slide. For example, I find it annoying that he leaves his shoes in the middle of the doorway instead of off to the side. It's a small price for a great relationship to move his shoes when they are in my way. He noticed that I was doing this, and now he puts them out of the way to start with.

I've made adjustments, too. I noticed that he looked annoyed by my music choices in the car. We talked about it and I learned what he likes better. I don't like all of his taste either, but there's a lot that we both like, and we listen to that when we're together.

Making some adjustments is just common courtesy. Demanding changes is childish. If we have to demand that our partner change things that are major issues for us, we're probably with the wrong person.

You clearly have some boundaries, too. For example, you don't like dramatic women who get in your face, or who call you a liar (apparently, whether you've lied or not... that's not clear though). I guess you're best off being with a woman who isn't so dramatic as to make scenes in bars - and I'd say, maybe a girl who's willing to drive herself on dates, since you might leave her behind in an unsafe situation if she says the wrong thing. We all have our limits - what we can live with or not.

He said that I am worth stopping porn for and he said he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. He makes me happy in every other way and he said it won't be hard for him to stop. Whether that's true or not, I do not know but to me it's worth a try because he's everything to me and I to him. He's trying to make things better, and they have gotten better. I think that everything will be good and back to normal soon enough. Thank you everyone for your feedback

But it's not his job to "make" you happy. Your happiness is what YOU are responsible for.

If he has been pushed into a corner again, I predict more lies if you confront or question him.

How much do you love him? Do you love him enough to allow him to be happy, especially if all it would take is something harmless that won't even effect you?

He's not choosing to do something, he's doing it to make you happy. Seems like this relationship is very one way, it's all about your happiness, and what you want. Sooner or later the person giving up everything for the other, will walk away because it's not worth it.

Thanks for taking the time to clarify your thoughts on that.

Oh... those cases I left them without a ride went far beyond a simple comment... I can blow off a slip of the tongue as easy as anyone... just not what happened in those cases... never went into detail nor will I, but lets say... leaving them there was my way of defusing a situation that could have easily escalated. Most people would have done the same thing if they were in my shoes at the time because of what would have happened if the cooler head had not removed themselves from a bad situation before it went critical.

I was actually commended a few times for doing it by people who were there and saw what went down for being able to walk away without smacking them first. By both men AND women.

He told him that he thinks it was wrong of him and he regrets it and he wants to stop. Maybe if he didn't watch it so often and didn't lie about it I wouldn't mind. Believe me it's not a one sided relationship because I really do a whole lot for him and I enjoy doing things for him as he does for me too