I am on my second relationship with my boyfriend and we have been back together 5 months. For the last 2 months we have not been intimate but maybe once. It came on all of a sudden and not sure as to why. He looks at porn on the computer but says he is reading jokes, not looking at the porn itself. He doesn't even seem to have any time for me. All he seems to want to do is play his online game. On the other hand though he is doing more to bring in more money into the house and doing other things as well. Talks about how things aren't just me anymore, it is us now. I'm not sure what is going on with him and I was trying to figure he wants to be in this relationship or not. I have talked to him about this and there has been no change. Anyone have any ideas?

Have you suggested the idea about both of you getting some counselling together? What have you said to him about what he is doing? It would help people to know what you have said to him in order to give you the best advice that anyone here can.

I wasn't alive at the time that my mother's mom straight up told my grandfather, to give up the drinking or they would no longer be together! But, I heard about it.

I'm just suggesting that maybe some kind of ultimatum is in order here. I hate to see you go through this situation feeling that your relationship is not the best that it could be.

Leave. He needs help and won't go for that as long as your willing to be with him. Why should he? He has the best of what he wants and will not compromise that in order to improve your relationship. We call these guys lazy; fun isn't it.

Have you asked him why you don't have sex anymore?

Yes I have. Well I have brought it up anyhow. He had told me that he would start paying more attention to me. He also told me that sex isn't that important to him. I love him but I am also clueless.

Well, to some guys (not many) sex really isn't that big of a deal. But if everything else in the relationship is great I wouldn't worry that much, just let him know that sex IS important to you, and you would like to do so more often.

The only problem is he is looking at porn online and talks dirty with the other guys online. When we first were together and when we first got back together it was 2-3 times a day. I am really starting to feel like I am being used for other things and he things that I won't break up with him at this point.

UPDATE

Well, we almost broke up the other day about us having a lack of communication. I told him what bothers me again and we promised to try to work on it. One thing I failed to mention in the first place is that he is addicted to online games. I used to initiate sex but eventually he would say things like his shoulder hurt or his knee hurt or he was tired so I quit trying. I would come over and start rubbing his back and he would say my shoulder hurts. He started turning me down even before I had a chance to go there. Keep in mind, he is always online at home. In fact, after we almost broke up and I told him again that I don't like it when he plays his online game all the time, he played 2 days strait, the first two days off after we had the huge fight. Then when I sit on the couch and I get in a bad mood and stop talking to him, he asks me why I am in a bad mood again. HE KNOWS WHY I AM IN A BAD MOOD! I work 5 12 hour shifts a week and then I get ignored my days off. Am I fooling myself with hoping this will get better and we will work out? Every man I have talked to says that him not wanting to have sex isn't normal. The other men I talk to say they want it pretty often. I am getting depressed thinking that he thinks I am boring or bad in bed. It is really starting to effect my mood all together. Any new advice would be greatly appreciated, especially a mans point of view.

When you were having sex more often, or in your first relationship, did you ever complain about it? (Frequency, painful, him "only caring about sex", etc.)

I have been in a relationship for 4 years now with my girlfriend and lived with her for the last 2 years. She is someone who is comfortable having sex once or twice a week while I prefer twice a day or more. Obviously this becomes annoying for her and I hear a few complaints about it and in turn feel pretty guilty and even angry (more so at myself than her). This is usually the reason I would refuse sex from her for long periods. (never actually made it a month or anything but long for me)

After reading your complaint I read a few other similar ones and most of the girls seemed to respond the same way to their boyfriends not wanting sex, by doing everything they can to get their attention. From the first paragraph its pretty clear I refuse sex for attention and from personal experience this is so much easier when you receive that attention. Nothing makes it more difficult to refuse sex than to not get offered sex. I'm not saying ignore him sexually completely but give him less opportunities to turn you down and its much more difficult to do so.

I don't know if this is what he, or anyone besides myself, is doing but if it were me this would probably be the case. Hope this helps some and that my girlfriend doesn't read this, if she did I'd never succeed in getting her to throw herself at me again.

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Originally Posted by sarvolzaba

I am on my second relationship with my boyfriend and we have been back together 5 months. For the last 2 months we have not been intimate but maybe once. It came on all of a sudden and not sure as to why. He looks at porn on the computer but says he is reading jokes, not looking at the porn itself. He doesn't even seem to have any time for me. All he seems to want to do is play his online game. On the other hand though he is doing more to bring in more money into the house and doing other things as well. Talks about how things aren't just me anymore, it is us now. I'm not sure what is going on with him and i was trying to figure he wants to be in this relationship or not. I have talked to him about this and there has been no change. Anyone have any ideas?

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Well it sounds like his computer freak he should spend more time with you not his computer its not a good relationship if you are not spendin time.but I hope it all goes well for u

I went through something similar with my boyfriend years ago and what most people are saying is true. The more you push,nag,complain about it... the longer he won't want to do it. Nothing puts him less in the mood then hearing about it and nothing makes you more unattractive than nagging about it. Leave it alone for awhile. Act as if nothing is wrong. Be your happy normal self and see what happens. That what's worked for me. Last week, my boyfriend actually turned down sex 2 nights in a row... I wanted to scream and nag and "talk about it", but I stopped myself. I acted like everything was totally fine and didn't bring it up... and then you know what, the next day he was back to wanting me all the time...

Definitely have a discussion because I am in a similar situation and considering getting engaged.

I am in the same boat with you... me and my boyfriend have been together a year and he turns me down for sex all the time. We haven't had sex since December and its now June. When we did have sex in December I got pregnant and lost the baby in January. We're engaged and supposed to be wed next June. When I bring sex up and ask why he says he's focused on other things and that there are more important things. But when we argue he says that my attitude is bad and I can't keep him errect (which is a lie the times we have had sex). Then all of a sudden last week we were having a conversation and the subject of children was brought up. After a year of being together he tells me he doesn't want to have children. I am so lost. I love this man and this man claims he loves me. Personally I feel sex is an inportant aspect in a relationship. PLEASE HELP BEFORE MY RELATIONSHIP/ ENGAGEMENT IS OVER!

Let's see. You think sex is important. He does not. You've had a terrible mutual loss. Did he want that baby? He must be afraid of another pregnancy if he's decided he does NOT want children.

I don't know why you want to save the relationship, go forward with the marriage, when you want sex and children and he, for whatever reason, has different needs and goals.

Blaming you for his failure to achieve or keep an erection is standard "male" stuff - he's blaming the victim.

I have a similar problem. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year. We have been leaving together for 9 months. Yet, we don't have sex and It's frustrating.

I have never had any problems with previous partners. Usually guys jump on me as I have big breast. With my current boyfriend everything is opposite and we are falling apart. I love him very much and would like to fix the issue, but I don't know how.

My bf doesn't think we have a problem.
He did cunnilingus and fingering before. We also had sex but he couldn't normally, unless I did blow job. The last time even blow job didn't help. We have (try) to have sex once per month. When I start touching him he says that he is tired or other excuses. I know he doesn't have anyone as he is always at home after work.

I tried to talk to him about the problem, but apparently it's awkward for him to open up. I offered to watch porn, but he said: "Ew." I know he watches porn and jerks off by himself. It would be okay with me IF we had a healthy sex life.

He is religious and constantly watches videos about God.
I asked him if he is gay, asked him if I attract him sexually, offered to go to a therapist, but he doesn't think we have a problem.

I stopped sleeping with him at the same bed 2 months ago and yesterday we had a fight about it. In the morning I checked his lap top and saw that he was checking out topics related to our problem, which means he at least realized we have a problem.

But now he is not talking to me, keep watching porn and jerking off after. He says he loves me but I can't be with a person who doesn't make love to me. I want to have kids, but in our case it seems impossible. I'm 27 years old and have needs. I have even cheated on him couple of times because he won't make love to me (indeed, he doesn't know about it).

I don't know what to do. I was thinking about this guy as my future husband. It's been too long to keep it to myself.
I would appreciate any advise!

The "I have cheated on him because ..." line is revealing. No one and no one's behavior causes another person to cheat. It's a conscious decision.

I would suggest counselling by yourself if he won't go.

Considering a long-term relationship or commitment under these circumstances is a recipe for disaster.

Were you "checking up on him" when you found his online searches?

I agree about cheating. I simply want to have sexual relationship with my partner. As far as I was unable to get it from my boyfriend I happened to cheat. I haven't cheated ever since I decided to take our relationship seriously.

The first time I checked his lap top I actually thought he is "gay" because he won't touch me. Afterwards, I tried to figure out what's on his mind as he won't talk to me about it. I also thought that he doesn't enjoy the whole process because he never finished by himself. That's where the gay thing started.

I'm assuming I'm the one who is doing something wrong because he said he didn't have that kind of problems with a previous girlfriend. I tried to talk to him in a very polite way not to hurt him, but he feels uncomfortable talking about it.

The only thing he says: "We will have sex." He has been saying it for 9 months and I have no grounds to rely on it.

You can't change him unless he wants to change. You can change yourself - if that is what you want. Could you stay in this relationship in the long term without mentally beating yourself up? I am concerned that at some point you will take his disinterest personally.

Again, I say counselling for you.

I'm an investigator - that's my profession. I advise people against checking other people's laptops, phones, computers, etc. It doesn't help understand the other person and it turns you into some sort of "you don't trust me" person who has to defend her actions.