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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #21

    Apr 4, 2012, 12:57 PM
    I think I understand you better now.

    I'm sure she doesn't understand. I'm also sure that the counsellor will caution you not to criticize the mother and "step" father, no matter how unfair, obnoxious and uncaring they are.

    Step parenting is hard work - did you know about the child when you married your husband?

    And I know he can't go back and change what's happened. I'm positive he would if he could. At first it seemed to me that you were defending him... now I don't think that's the case. I think he felt helpless and handled things the best he could.

    I hope he appreciates how hard you are working at this, how concerned you are. Legal voice or not, you're certainly in there pitching for her (and, ultimately, for him).

    Let me say again - and I have 5 - step parenting is not always a walk in the park. Of course, neither is being a stepchild.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #22

    Apr 4, 2012, 12:58 PM
    Your posts are becoming very contradictory. In the beginning you wanted to know how to give her up for adoption because you "are not able to take care of her." Now, your husband does not want to "send her away" because he just got her back.

    We are trying to help you here, but you keep changing your story.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #23

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:00 PM
    Adoption was the wrong question. What I really need to know is how can we get help with this, what should we do, you know? There are other children involved. I am 23 and have never dealt with anything quite so sensitive. I was emotionally abused growing up and am still learning. My husband is a few years older and handling things much better of course. We will figure this out I am certain of it.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #24

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:03 PM
    I am not changing the story. We talked about adoption, I never said that is what we wanted. And I posted this only a day after he and the mother had talked about it. We have already moved on to other solutions to helping the child, and us.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #25

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:07 PM
    I'm glad you have moved on from that idea. Giving her up for adoption would be a horrendous thing for her to have to go through with life long trust issues among other things.
    ballengerb1's Avatar
    ballengerb1 Posts: 27,379, Reputation: 2280
    Home Repair & Remodeling Expert
     
    #26

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:10 PM
    "discussed adoption... I am not even sure where we would start?" That is clearly asking for help to start the adoption process in my book.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #27

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:16 PM
    I know I don't think any of us were in our right minds thinking that. She is just very confused tests me with everything she has. She was given no restrictions where she was before, pretty much able to do whatever she wanted to whenever she wanted. It just makes it hard now though because we just don't work that way. We don't eat a lot of junk food and that is really all she ate before. She was just sort of a wild child for a while. Some days she can be brilliant and others she does everything in the world to see what she can get away with. It is just hard for me because I am the one with her all day long. She thinks if she is good for awhile then after she gets what she wants she can be a nightmare. It is funny but then when you have to go through the same things over and over again it feels like where does it end.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #28

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:17 PM
    We were asking for help but as I said have moved on from that option.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #29

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Leppy_06 View Post
    I know I don't think any of us were in our right minds thinking that. She is just very confused tests me with everything she has. She was given no restrictions where she was before, pretty much able to do whatever she wanted to whenever she wanted. It just makes it hard now though because we just don't work that way. We don't eat a lot of junk food and that is really all she ate before. She was just sort of a wild child for a while. Some days she can be brilliant and others she does everything in the world to see what she can get away with. It is just hard for me because I am the one with her all day long. She thinks if she is good for awhile then after she gets what she wants she can be a nightmare. It is funny but then when you have to go through the same things over and over again it feels like where does it end.
    But this is what children do. From your description, she is acting like virtually every 4 year old I know.

    Rather than considering adoption, maybe you should consider taking some parenting classes along with some family counseling.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #30

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:23 PM
    I know it all sounds normal... don't know how to explain everything going on. Parenting classes never hut anyone. That is a good idea. Maybe some psych classes too while I am at it. Now to find the time for all of this since hubby works continually and I am with the kids and taking online classes... we will see.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #31

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:26 PM
    Meant to put never "hurt" anyone. Probably just seems so hard because it is not my child I am going through this for but I am trying to think of her as mine. I do love her already although it has only been three to four months.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #32

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:33 PM
    I thought I saw the question changing as the thread moved on.

    Glad it evolved the way it did... and all good answers.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #33

    Apr 4, 2012, 01:54 PM
    Thank you for all of the advice everyone. I know I am not legally responsible, but I am here in this none the less.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #34

    May 27, 2012, 11:24 AM
    Updating everyone and letting you all know who helped that this little girl was abused mentally, physically, and sexually by her mother and members of her ex step fathers family. We have reported what we know, it has been taken to child protective services, we are getting counseling, and my husband has custody. Thank you for all of the support.
    Leppy_06's Avatar
    Leppy_06 Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #35

    May 27, 2012, 11:26 AM
    Please send prayers and hope that we really can trust the system especially after we have spent all of our savings and this little girl may never be repaired.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #36

    May 27, 2012, 12:13 PM
    Wonderful, wonderful news! With the right counselling I am most hopeful that she will rise above her past. Thank you so much for keeping "us" updated. I'm so happy for all of you - I'm sure there will be struggles but at least you've able to stop the cycle. Of course, you can't change what's happened before but there are people specifically trained who can and will help.

    I'd keep records, all of that "stuff" which may or may not ever be necessary, keep your cool (which you've done) and give this child a chance.

    I can't express how happy I am for you.
    LadySam's Avatar
    LadySam Posts: 1,589, Reputation: 322
    Cats Expert
     
    #37

    May 27, 2012, 12:52 PM
    I must admit that when I began to read this thread I was very worried for this child.
    Not so much now, I'm glad that she has you.
    Like Judy said keep your records, you may never know when you may have to pull them out, hopefully never.
    The part of me that is mother and grandmother wonders how anyone, let alone a parent could treat a child so poorly, yet I know that it happens.
    Stick with the counseling and give her all the support and love she needs and then give her a little more.
    It will make the difference in her life.
    I wish you, your husband and step-daughter much happiness.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #38

    May 27, 2012, 07:52 PM
    Thank you so much for updating us!

    You are doing a wonderful, loving thing in helping this little girl--With that kind of love and encouragement, and good counseling, I'm sure she'll be able to overcome the horrors she has dealt with.

    Best of luck to all of you--We'll be here if you need more support for the tough times you'll be going through, too, if you want it. Things WILL be tough, but it will be so worth it in the end.

    Thank you again!

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