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-   -   How to find my grandparents? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=590082)

  • Jul 29, 2011, 11:44 AM
    joycestockton
    How to find my grandparents?
    I am looking for my mom's mom. My mom is 45 and was born on September 28,1965. My mom was adopted when she was a baby and I want to find her biological mother. I don't know anything about my mom's mom except that she went to the University of Oklahoma. FYI: I am using my paternal grandmothers email for this search.
  • Jul 29, 2011, 11:49 AM
    Synnen

    We are not a reunion website.

    At the top of the adoption page is a note about searching. You can find it here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adopti...on-401680.html

    Unless you hire a PI or get lucky through a search registry, it is unlikely you will find her. Many women who placed children for adoption in the 60s were promised anonymity , and many of those women never told ANYONE about the child they placed for adoption.

    If you do find her, please proceed with caution, as you may destroy her entire life if she has not told her husband, children, or other family members.

    May I ask why you are doing this search and not your mother?
  • Jul 29, 2011, 01:07 PM
    joypulv
    I agree that this is for your (living) mother to pursue. Her best hope is to start with the family who adopted her.
    She might be able to put her name in to the state of OK on a wait list, to see if the mother also contacts them looking for her.
  • Jul 30, 2011, 07:32 AM
    JudyKayTee

    I am concerned that you are doing this search without your mother's knowledge and/or consent, even using a third person's email.

    Why?

    Until some questions are answered I doubt a PI would help you locate your grandmother.
  • Dec 12, 2011, 06:24 AM
    forgetyou
    Ruin there family? What about the child they left to the world to look after? How about people face up to responcibility finally.. my mother was adopted, I wish to know her parents as they have explaining to do, it impacted me my entire life. I don't really care if they live in a happy little dream world, I don't, I am the reality of there lack of ethics and I will stand by anyone who fels the same
  • Dec 12, 2011, 08:28 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by forgetyou View Post
    ruin there family? what about the child they left to the world to look after? how about people face up to responcibility finally.. my mother was adopted, i wish to know her parents as they have explaining to do, it impacted me my entire life. i dont really care if they live in a happy little dream world, i dont, i am the reality of there lack of ethics and i will stand by anyone who fels the same


    No, the reality of their ethics (I have no idea how ethics are involved in this) is that her parents realized they couldn't provide for your mother and allowed a family that COULD to adopt her. She would have preferred to languish in the some sort of child protective status, in and out of foster homes?

    No one owes YOU an explanation, least of all people who made a responsible decision. How did your mother being adopted impact you your "entire life"?

    Happy little dream world? It's not easy to surrender your child. Your empathy chip is missing.
  • Dec 12, 2011, 09:02 AM
    Synnen
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by forgetyou View Post
    ruin there family? what about the child they left to the world to look after? how about people face up to responcibility finally.. my mother was adopted, i wish to know her parents as they have explaining to do, it impacted me my entire life. i dont really care if they live in a happy little dream world, i dont, i am the reality of there lack of ethics and i will stand by anyone who fels the same

    EXCUSE ME?

    It was "lack of ethics" that led me to choose to place my child for adoption? And children are "left to the world"? Do you have any idea how adoption actually works?

    I think you have an overactive sense of entitlement. YOU don't have ANY right to disrupt someone else's life just because it "impacted you your entire life".

    Get counseling and get over yourself. People choose adoption to give a better life to their child. Blame the state or the adoption agency if the adoptive parents didn't live up to that, because they are the ones who are supposed to do the screenings. But do NOT blame birth parents for looking for a solution to give a better life to their child and to themselves through the gift of adoption.
  • Dec 12, 2011, 09:07 AM
    Synnen
    PS--choosing adoption for my child was the most painful thing I ever did, and unfortunately, society doesn't allow birthparents to mourn that loss.

    MY LIFE was impacted by adoption every single day. I suffered from depression and anxiety, and missed my child every single day.

    Don't you DARE imply that I skipped out on responsibility and that I had a "happy little dreamworld" because I gave my child a better life than I could provide.

    I sincerely hope that you never have to suffer a loss similar to the loss of a child through adoption. It has been compared to mourning a child lost to death for a lot of very valid reasons, yet outsiders don't view it that way so there is this open ended grief that never truly heals.

    And unfortunately for you but fortunately for your biological grandparents (because I seriously would never wish your kind of anger, blame and angst on anyone), the LAW is on the side of biological parents having their identity protected.

    If you want to search, go on reunion websites. If your biological grandparents want a reunion, they will also be there. If they do NOT want a reunion, well... they don't owe you a single damned thing.
  • Dec 12, 2011, 10:13 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Synnen View Post
    EXCUSE ME?

    It was "lack of ethics" that led me to choose to place my child for adoption? And children are "left to the world"? Do you have any idea how adoption actually works?

    I think you have an overactive sense of entitlement. YOU don't have ANY right to disrupt someone else's life just because it "impacted you your entire life".

    Get counseling and get over yourself. People choose adoption to give a better life to their child. Blame the state or the adoption agency if the adoptive parents didn't live up to that, because they are the ones who are supposed to do the screenings. But do NOT blame birth parents for looking for a solution to give a better life to their child and to themselves through the gift of adoption.

    How I was HOPING you would come along - said far better than I said it.

    I will add - and it happened in my family - that adoption is more painful than death. With death it is over; with adoption there is always wondering, looking into faces.

    An "agree" AND applause!

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