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    Andreas_111's Avatar
    Andreas_111 Posts: 28, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Apr 13, 2008, 11:26 AM
    Why do we always fall in love with the wrong person?
    Hi, I have a small question. Why do we always fall in love with the wrong person? And by doing that end up being hurt all the time but have a great difficulty to let go!
    Thanks for your time.
    ososad's Avatar
    ososad Posts: 17, Reputation: 3
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    #2

    Apr 13, 2008, 11:46 AM
    We fall in love easily because we want to love and be loved. We tend to take whatever comes along, and then we just get comfortable in it. We stay for many reasons- dependence (emotional, financial, etc.), fear of being alone, fear of hurting the other person...

    It sucks, but that's what happens. I doubt very few people are actually happy in their relationships. Convenience, comfort, and routine are what most long-term relationships consist of.

    Everyone settles.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Apr 13, 2008, 01:41 PM
    Not true.

    I have been married to a wonderful man for 13 years, together for 18. Not everyone falls for the wrong guy, that's just until you meet the right guy. You have to kiss allot of toads before you find your prince.

    I'm with my husband because he is my best friend, lover, and partner in every way. I'm not here because of convenience, comfort or routine, those things just happen. I'm here because I love being here, otherwise I would leave.

    Not everyone settles, most people that I know are truly in love with their significant other. You just haven't found the right person yet. Don't give up.

    Ososad, if that's how you feel then that's what you will get, if you are unwilling to give love a chance then love will not find you, that's the way it is.

    Good Luck all.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Apr 13, 2008, 07:50 PM
    Until we learn what we want, and what we don't, we tend to pick the same type of partner, and worse, make the same mistakes, over and over, as we put all into that one, and those intense feelings make us forget the real world, so we fall very hard, when our very high expectations are not met. Most times, its not even the person we chose, but the security, and companionship, they provide. Many of us are afraid of being alone, and have a fear of being rejected, and unloved. Until we grow enough to love ourselves, and be happy with who we are, we always will depend on someone else, to make us happy. Not very healthy.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #5

    Apr 13, 2008, 08:09 PM
    I don't think we do.
    The problem is a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love. We meet someone, think they are cute, we ignore the red flags that pop up along the way, we don't listen to the advice someone may give us regarding that person, and so we have allowed ourself to fall in love, or at least we think it's love.
    djsk's Avatar
    djsk Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 13, 2008, 10:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Andreas_111
    Hi, I have a small question. Why do we always fall in love with the wrong person? And by doing that end up being hurt all the time but have a great difficulty to let go!
    Thanks for your time.
    Its true We fall in love easily because we want to love and be loved. We tend to take whatever comes along, and then we just get comfortable in it. We stay for many reasons- dependence (emotional, financial, etc.), fear of being alone, fear of hurting the other person...
    Some easily falls in love for security or to forget the last loved one!
    Yes we atened to hurt as we fall yet rise back up stronger and better for the same reson we fell, but we allways look back at those things and realis how much we learned from it
    Well I hope I've hleped u! :)
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #7

    Apr 13, 2008, 10:42 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ososad
    We fall in love easily because we want to love and be loved. We tend to take whatever comes along, and then we just get comfortable in it. We stay for many reasons- dependence (emotional, financial, etc.), fear of being alone, fear of hurting the other person...

    It sucks, but that's what happens. I doubt very few people are actually happy in their relationships. Convenience, comfort, and routine are what most long-term relationships consist of.

    Everyone settles.
    Taking whatever comes along is not falling in love, it's settling or being with someone for convenience sake, being with someone for the wrong reason. That has nothing to do with love.
    Long term relationships are long because there is love and commitment.
    I've been married 32 years and I didn't marry for convenience sake. Love is what has kept me in my marriage, what has gotten us through the difficult times.
    Mom of 2's Avatar
    Mom of 2 Posts: 449, Reputation: 90
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    #8

    Apr 13, 2008, 11:15 PM
    You only settle when you agree to continue in a relationship that you know is not good for you and is unhealthy. This is different than compromising, which is present in all relationships. Compromising is not ignoring what is important to you, but choosing your battles. No, there is never a perfect relationship, but that does not mean that you have to settle.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #9

    Apr 13, 2008, 11:39 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
    Taking whatever comes along is not falling in love, it's settling or being with someone for convenience sake, being with someone for the wrong reason. That has nothing to do with love. Long term relationships are long because there is love and commitment. I've been married 32 years and I didn't marry for convenience sake. Love is what has kept me in my marriage, what has gotten us through the difficult times.
    I just talked to someone who has been married for about 55 years and he said that people expect too much and should be more willing to settle. But you are saying the opposite. It's hard to believe that everybody gets a shot at the kind of happiness you have found. I am more and more thinking that a lot of people just don't get to live happily ever after. Maybe life just isn't necessarily happy for everyone or even most people. That doesn't mean it's not worth living.
    Asking
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #10

    Apr 14, 2008, 12:10 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mom of 2
    You only settle when you agree to continue in a relationship that you know is not good for you and is unhealthy. This is different than compromising, which is present in all relationships. Compromising is not ignoring what is important to you, but choosing your battles. No, there is never a perfect relationship, but that does not mean that you have to settle.
    I have to spread some rep, but these are excellent points mom of 2 has made.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #11

    Apr 14, 2008, 12:22 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by asking
    I just talked to someone who has been married for about 55 years and he said that people expect too much and should be more willing to settle. But you are saying the opposite. It's hard to believe that everybody gets a shot at the kind of happiness you have found. I am more and more thinking that a lot of people just don't get to live happily ever after. Maybe life just isn't necessarily happy for everyone or even most people. That doesn't mean it's not worth living.
    Asking
    When I say settle, I don't mean don't compromise or not accept the person, I mean don't settle for less in terms of, if you know a person is not right for you, don't settle for them just to have someone.
    No one lives "happily ever after", there is compromise and work and hardships in the best of marriages. But love and commitment keep them going. I think some people want to be in love, or they want to be married without realizing that there is common sense involved. You don't ignore the actions of a womanizer and expect him to be faithful, you don't keep hanging on to a creep just because you want to be with someone. You have to care enough about yourself to not accept someone who is not good for you.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #12

    Apr 14, 2008, 12:26 AM
    I you find yourself always falling for the wrong person, you have a problem. You need to ask yourself why you continue to ignore the signs, why you gravitate to the same kinds of people. Love has nothing to do with that. That is more about self esteem and common sense.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #13

    Apr 14, 2008, 12:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
    When I say settle, I don't mean don't compromise or not accept the person, I mean don't settle for less in terms of, if you know a person is not right for you, don't settle for them just to have someone.
    You don't ignore the actions of a womanizer and expect him to be faithful, you don't keep hanging on to a creep just because you want to be with someone. You have to care enough about yourself to not accept someone who is not good for you.
    I was using "happily ever after" loosely, not meaning literally in the fairy tale sense, but that I would say most people don't seem to be as happy as some people here say they are--at least in terms of long-term partnerships.

    As for self respect, I just wonder where the line between compromise and asking for too much is. You don't settle for someone who is married, of course; or who cheats, of course; or an avowed racist, of course (see other thread); or someone who is immature or irresponsible; or someone who lies; or someone of a completely different religious faith because maybe you are violating THEIR values every time you eat a ham sandwich; and so on. When you add up the list of reasons people exclude one another, how many are left? How strictly do you define cheating? Lying? That will make a huge difference in the number of people you exclude. I'm not saying it's wrong to exclude people whose values are different. Just feeling a bit discouraged. I guess I'm asking what are reasonable reasons for excluding someone and what are not?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #14

    Apr 14, 2008, 01:03 AM
    If you two feel very strongly about opposing things, that is asking for trouble. Differences in religion can work if you two are on the same page as far as raising your kids are concerned or you agree to disagree on things. It also boils down to respect. You compromise on things. But only you know what you will not compromise on and those are things that need to be discussed before marriage. You tell each other the things that are important and the ones you can deal with. Communicate and you can work through just about anything. But if you know the guy is the type of man who does not think he should compromise, or if he thinks your role as a woman is something different that what you believe it is, why even go there? That is what I mean by using common sense.
    Andreas_111's Avatar
    Andreas_111 Posts: 28, Reputation: 0
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    #15

    Apr 14, 2008, 02:54 AM
    Everyone has a good point. Let me add something though: In the beginning of the relationship you always see what's good in the other person. That in one sense blinds you! You want things to work and you don't want to be too selective because that's looks bad. Also the other person shows mostly its good side to you in order to make a good impresion! Later on you fall in love and then bad things start to happen. Arguments, disrespect, lies etc And then you are disapointed but its still very difficult to let go and separate because you trully love the other person. Then what happends? Either you separate or you chose to stay hopping that things will get better. But that is a very hard dicition!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Apr 14, 2008, 06:24 AM
    But that's exactly why you go slow before you hang your life on someone's star, as not only do you find out more about the partner but yourself as well. Life is full of tough decisions, but as you gather facts to make that decision, common sense will guide you. As hard as that decision may be, at least you aren't just making it by emotions only. It must be balanced by fact, common sense, and your own feelings.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Apr 14, 2008, 06:28 AM
    You have to care enough about yourself to not accept someone who is not good for you
    Had to spread the rep, but your words are dead on! Loving yourself is where your happiness starts.
    polska's Avatar
    polska Posts: 33, Reputation: 6
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    #18

    Apr 14, 2008, 09:11 AM
    Yes! Yes! Yes! This is so very true!
    I am in that spot right now. Known her for a few years, Wanted what I couldn't have it seemed. Finally had a chance to date. So excited... So happy... So beautiful...
    Friends and family loved her. I fell head over heels in love. Put her on a pedastal. Talking about the future with her, calling her several times a day. Thought about her 24 - 7. 3 months into the relationship I'm surprised she's still breathing I smothered her so bad. She's gone exactly for that reason. Now I've lost a friend as well.
    I need to get professinal help. Maybe some temporary meds. Can't stop crying and thinking about her all the time. The worst part is I am blaming myself for" What Could Have Been? " I need to address my issues before this happens again.
    I now realize that I am not happy with myself. Like alcohol or drugs, she was a band aid.

    My only salvation is that this happened now, and not after a marriage or having children.

    However long it takes, I need to get my head screwed on right before I can date again.
    If I don't, this will happen over and over.

    Thanks to all of you on this site!

    This has been my safe haven for the past week.

    Thank You so much!
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #19

    Apr 14, 2008, 09:55 AM
    I wish you the very best and much success in your healing process.
    komalsinha's Avatar
    komalsinha Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Apr 18, 2008, 11:05 AM
    Well... you can call it lack of experience... you only fal in love when you want to... I mean who want to be alone in this world... everyone need a companion... so they fall in love... its a part of life... just take it as it is...

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