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    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 25, 2008, 08:52 AM
    wife sexting
    Hey everyone.
    I'm the tough guy who doesn't cry, at all and I've been hurt really really bad. I caught my wife having sex via texting for over 30 days every day with a social friend of ours. She claims they never met and never had actual sex. They also shared pictures with each other and you know the pain I'm going through, it hurts really bad. I married my wife 6 years ago and knew her for 6 years prior to that. One of the biggest reasons I married her was her family values and core beliefs of a family. Now after 6 years she was caught. She did at least come clean after telling me several lies through 3 days of denial. How do I know that more of this won't happen and something else happened that I don't know about. She is actually in counseling as I type this, but I'm really hurt. WE have a beautiful home on the water, two beautiful girls and I'm in shock! I knew things weren't right cause she bought the new iPhone and was texting all day and all night and I knew something was up. Our sex life has always been good and like so many other couples, marrige is hard on everyone, but I just don't know what to do. I'm an awesome father, a successful business owner and I am so weak right now that I don't know what to do. Any help would be great!!
    thanks for reading.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #2

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:30 AM
    First off this didn't happen in a vacuum. The person she was exchanging text messages with is no social friend. In fact I would seriously consider using his name and friend in the same sentence. Would you consider yourself a friend of a person whose wife you are chit chatting about all manner of sex escapades with? That's not the actions of someone I would consider to my friend.

    My questions to you are, even tougher, because they will force you to look down the road with her.

    Setting your anger and hurt aside (I understand how difficult that will be, believe me) Have you asked your wife why she started this type of behavior? Did she think it was funny or cute and then let her fantasy run rampant? What in your behavior towards her let her think it was harmless?

    Given that she knew the behavior was wrong from the start (as proven by hiding her actions refusing to open up after she was caught) how is she justifying what she did.

    Something in your relationship has changed and the result of this change is manifesting itself in her actions. Or there is an internal or external struggle going on peculiar to herself. They say us guys go through a mid-life crisis. Why would believe that women don't get bitten by the same type of bug.

    We (guys ) are known to fantasize about other women, food, NY Giants football and miscellaneous stuff. Women have stuff that they daydream about.
    What I'm trying to get at is why did she go to the next level. Did she believe its harmless fun or is she thinking that texting sex message or phone call is the better between actually having an affair.

    This is really going to require both of you to put emotions off to the side and discuss what is missing or lost from you relationship. As to her continuing sending sex messages via text, make sure she has your mailbox number and ask her to send them to you (who will actually appreciate them) than strangers.
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:39 AM
    Thanks for the response. It gets deeper again.
    She suggestec counseling--I just got back and she told me there was more than texting. They had oral sex 3 different times and also tells me she was having sex texting with another guy before this loser xfriend.
    I'm really hurt and I am going to go out with a friend tonight to talk, but I divorce is the only way that I know how a man needs to react in this situation. I can't imagine living with her and remembering these occurrences. I love my kids, but I always said I'd never stay together for my kids because I saw my parents fight all the time.
    Thanks you have great insight and right now I need all the help I can get.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #4

    Feb 25, 2008, 12:04 PM
    Whoa, step back and give yourself some breathing room! Do not have a knee-jerk reaction and run head long into a divorce.

    Some think of oral sex a meaningless. I am not one of them, nor am I suggesting that you should be. Looking straight into this mess, the worst may have already happened, you just don't know it yet.

    Does it matter? It can't be denied nor can you ever make it go away. From now through the rest of your life you will carry the trauma of these events as they are unfolding. Sure you can forgive her infidelity, but you will never forget it! I would suggest that spend some time with a Pries, Pastor or Rabbi before running to a friend with personal information like this. It will not lessen your load and it will impose a load on your friend that he may or may not want to carry.

    This needs to be centered in your home where it happened, for the time being. As to counseling, I would not suggest you jump into any session the involves discussing her extra curricular actives. Don't make it any worse on yourself then it already is!
    Marriedguy's Avatar
    Marriedguy Posts: 474, Reputation: 115
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    #5

    Feb 25, 2008, 12:10 PM
    I understand that you are hurt and if you read my posts I'm all of leaving when a person cheats. But I think you should sleep on this. The knee jerk reactions is to start talking divorce when I don't think that is necessary in all cases. She decided to come clean and tell you all the details. Which is in my opinion the worse thing she could have done. She is reaching out and saying that she wants to be completely honest with you from this point on. It may or may not be to late. The choice is yours.
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Feb 25, 2008, 12:15 PM
    Thanks, I will consider all your views.
    The counselor has suggested she leave and go home with the kids for 3 days and that's what she's going to do. We'll see, but I really don't think I can live with myself knowing what she did.
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    troubled_hubby Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Feb 25, 2008, 12:49 PM
    I'm going through a very similar situation with my wife. She got into an emotional relationship with a coworker that ended in them sleeping together. I had been having "gut feelings" that something was going on and through a bunch of stuff, she confessed that she had slept with him. This has completely changed my world and everything that I thought I knew was gone. I immediately wanted to leave and have nothing more to do with her. When I would think about it all I could do was dwell on what she had done and how I could I possibly sleep in the same bed with her. I'm still going through these emotions that keep me up at night. The important thing here is that she is willing to work on this and WANTS to work on this. Something was definitely missing in the equation and she went looking for it. I know that I tell myself that I would not do this to her, but as many times as I've tried to explain this to myself, it still hurts know that she did this to me. Try and sit down with her and really get a feeling for where she is in the relationship and that she understands where you are in the relationship. It definitely takes two to make this work and she has to be there completely, no contact with the "friend". The part that I've had the most difficulty with is her understanding that am still going through the rollercoaster of emotions involved with finding out that my wife cheated and that somedays are going to be better than others, she had 2 months to deal with that fact, I've had 2 weeks. Good luck with whatever your plans are, I hope that there is a way you can uncover the hidden issues and find a way to make things work again.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #8

    Feb 26, 2008, 07:57 AM
    Wait a minute, pick up a big stick and metaphorically, whack that counsellor over the head.

    It's fine if she goes home for a few days, but what have you or your children done to warrant them being separated from you.

    Take some time off from work and keep the kids with you! Also, I'm not sure what the gain is by her leaving your home. If it's because she needs time to think, if she stays at home, she can think all day if she wants.

    Going home, frees her to text away without concern of being caught. I'd suggest that she stay at home and see what she would be losing by continuing her actions. Home is where the solutions will come from because this is a problem that is happening within the walls of your shared home.

    Once you two agree on a plan of action, then you need to slowly bring the children into it. They have to understand that are not the cause or affect in any part of the adult problem. They do not need to know the details of the issues, because it is not their battle.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #9

    Feb 26, 2008, 08:08 AM
    Fellows, this is really tough to read, much less have to experience. My conclusion: she does not love you. The only way you stay in the relationship is if your are either: 1) very forgiving, or 2) taking some responsibility for what she did. Let's say you own your business and don't really show your only employee a lot of respect and treat her poorly. After an audit, your accountant proves to you that your employee is stealing from the cash register. Does it matter whether it is $50 or $5,000? Would you trust her?
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Feb 26, 2008, 08:10 AM
    Wife is with family and counselor suggested it because of my concern on how I could handle the truth. I grew up with two very violent parents and I have never and will never be a parent that physically abuses my wife and I was concerned that this may have crossed the line and I don't know what I would do to her. It is best. I through her fancy iPhone in the water by the boat dock, so no more texting for her. Also I told the wife of the cheating husband that was messing around with my wife. Had to do it. I had to find a way make him hurt without violence. 3 friends came over last night we drank beer and I cried until 6:00 am this morning---all my friends say let's see if there is a way to work it out, but I don't know how I will ever overcome the thoughts of my wife with this other man.
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 26, 2008, 08:12 AM
    The answer is I do own my own business and ever time an employee did me or my company wrong I fired them. I always enjoyed firing people for some reason. But this is way different house, several of them, land, condo in fl, two kids (5 and 3). She wants to work out and go to counseling and continue. In talking to her late last night I just don't hear enough remorse, begging, pleading, etc. or I just want something and I'm not getting it.
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Feb 26, 2008, 08:16 AM
    I do own my own business, since 1993 and I have always fired an employee who has done me or the company wrong. This is different--way different, she says she wants to work it out, go to counseling, but I don't know how I can live with the thoughts of my wife being with another man!
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #13

    Feb 26, 2008, 08:17 AM
    Just my opinion and I'm not a relationship counselor: She has to go, or you, for 90 days minimum. Continue counseling and time away from each other, no contact except for kids' welfare. See what feelings if any remain. If I were your wife and you threw my iPhone in the water, or destroyed any of my property, you would be in plenty more hot water. So, do not be vengeful in this process, but do whatever it takes to maintain the peace and keep a clear head.
    Marriedguy's Avatar
    Marriedguy Posts: 474, Reputation: 115
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    #14

    Feb 26, 2008, 12:35 PM
    The situation is tough. Odds are you will always remember and be cautious about what she did. I don't think you should ever forget. However, you can forgive her. That is what you must do if you want to rebuilt this marriage.

    But before I could do that I would have to know why she step out?

    The only thing she has in her favor is that she confessed and came clean. Which is an indication that she wants to repair this damaged relationship.
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 27, 2008, 07:31 AM
    Wow---what 3 days can do to you. Monday was the 2nd worse day of my life (brother-n-law death) and here we are 3 days on Wednesday. I can breathe better, still can't eat, but sure thinking about it. I haven't eaten since Saturday--hope to force lunch down somehow today. We spoke at length last night via the phone and I am feeling like some of it is my fault. Our sex life after our 2nd kid completely stopped, neither party made that first move, me especially didn't touch her or make her feel wanted, not that I or she didn't want sex, but we/I just didn't know how to or what to do. She says that's not her excuse for what she did, but she sure seems to keep coming back to that issue and I just don't think you should ever go outside the marriage and do what she did. Had we gotten help or counseling a while back then maybe this would not hve happen. She wants to work it out and I'm willing to try. I feel like I'm being walked over if I say let's work this out and I feel like I have been manipulated so bad and yet she had all the fun, the thrill, etc. Not that I want anything like that, but I just don't think she's remorse enough about it. I told one friend when I took her iPhone out of anger and threw it in the water that she jumped up and scratched my arm and was fighting for iPod and Ijust feel like she's not fighting for me even though she says she wants to make this work. I don't hear the words "i'll do whatever it takes to make this work" so I'm better today, she's still out of the house, but probably coming home next day or two. I had to go through all her clothes, closets everything today to just make sure I wasn't going to find anything else. I don't want any more surprises.
    Thanks for listening guys and girl!!
    sassyT's Avatar
    sassyT Posts: 184, Reputation: 7
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    #16

    Feb 27, 2008, 09:33 AM
    gotcaught, what bugs me about this story is that your wife is not showing any remorse. I have been in the same situation where my husband cheated on me when we were engaged. It was a terrible time for me so I can definitely relate. What I have seen is that people only show remorse or fight to get you back only if you are showing disinteresting in working things out. When my then fiancé cheated on me, at first I showed him I was eager to work it out and he was not showing much remorse and was reluctant to seek help etc. After a week I got fed up and I told him it was over and I did not want to work things out with him. I gave him back his ring and just moved on with my life. It was only after I did that he realized that depth of what he had done, he did everything to show he was sorry after that. He wrote me letters (because I changed my phone #) telling me how much he regretted what he did and how he was miserable without me. So I think your wife is taking for granted the fact that you are willing to forgive her. I guess it is human nature. Your situation is different though because you are married and you have children. You just need to make your wife realize some how the magnitude of what she did. She needs to experience some kind of negative consequence of her actions.
    With that said though divorce is not the best option in most cases. It sound like your wife is willing to seek help so that's good. I know it hurts now but you will be better off in the long run if you forgive your wife and keep your family together. Divorce will just extend the heart ache and pain for many years. This is just a rough time in your marriage and you will get through it. I am glad I forgave my husband because we have a happy marriage now. Sometime I think of what he did but I try not to dwell on it. Each day that passes the affair becomes more and more of a distant memory. So you will get through it!
    gotcaught's Avatar
    gotcaught Posts: 20, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Feb 27, 2008, 02:45 PM
    Great post, thank you. I was really searching for a success story and you gave me one. I was wondering how many marriages really make it after this type of an incident? If anyone knows that statistic, I'd love to hear it.
    Both of us are willing to go to therapy. My wife feels and says she's really sorry and she has hurt a lot of people. Because this guy and his wife are all friends of a small nucleus of friends (say 20 couples) who we all hang out together on holidays and allow the opportunity for our children to play. Now she has lost trust with all of those wives and has crossed a line that should never happen. She says she's really sorry, but boy not sure what I need, but I need something more.
    One suggested I meet up with the wife of the husband who did this to my wife and record a video of her and me having sex and send it to them?? Just kidding, trying to bring back some of my humor.
    Thanks everyone!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    Feb 27, 2008, 06:38 PM
    Both of us are willing to go to therapy
    As long as you willing to keep working together, to solve your problems, there is always hope. Just be patient, as you go through the process. No obstacle is to big if you keep the goal in site.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #19

    Feb 27, 2008, 07:41 PM
    It doesn't sound to me like she is remorseful either.
    *She got more upset about the phone, what if you had been ready to tell her you wanted a divorce right then?
    That wasn't her concern the phone which is her connection to the other guys WAS.
    *she continued to lie to you over a period after you knew what was up
    *she isn't saying she will do whatever it takes
    *she moved to her parents instead of sticking by your side
    *she isn't there for you emotionally
    *she seems to be thinking of herself
    *who knows she may have moved there so she could still be in contact with them
    *she may be more concerned about 'where she will go' 'what would she do if you split up'
    More than wanting to stay 'for the relationship' TRANSLATION: convenience and not wanting to give up her family lifestyle she is accustomed to.

    IF you try to work it out keep her 'on a short leash' and don't trust her until she proves she wants the entire relationship fixed all the way back to where you say you both stopped showing any interest after your second kid.

    IF I were her and truly wanted to make it work, I would be by your side doing everything under the sun to make up for what I did. I don't see it with what you are saying.

    She is possibly more remorseful over the fact that she got caught.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Feb 28, 2008, 07:58 AM
    I wish you both get the help you need, to get to the real roots of your problem. It may take a while to get there. A long while.

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