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    gypsyminette's Avatar
    gypsyminette Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jan 1, 2008, 07:34 PM
    Husband had sex with his niece before we were married, how do I get over it?
    My husband and I have known each other for seven years, been together for about five, been married for a year and a half. He is 43 and I am 26. He has a 30 year old niece who I will call "Tara." A few years ago, when we were seeing each other but not exclusive, he told me that he was feeling terrible because he and Tara were drinking one night and they ended up having sex. They were really drunk, passed out next to each other, it was dark, and it just happened consentually. He said that in the morning, she acted like nothing weird had happened, and even joked that she hoped they wouldn't have a retarded baby.

    I wasn't so much his girlfriend at the time, and my first response was "That's kinda hot" and I was trying to convince him he wasn't a terrible person. But now that we're inseparable and I love him so much, I cannot get over it. The first time I met her was a couple years after it had happened, and she was rude and jealous towards me (her favorite uncle was dating someone younger than her). He had told her I knew about what happened. We didn't get along well after that, until my husband and I got married.

    No one in the family knows how they have had incestuous sex. I sometimes obsess over it. I think about him being on top of her when he is on top of me. I have to see her over the holidays now and act like I don't question how she could do such a thing. It's not like I can forget it either because she's family. She can't just go away, like an ex-girlfriend! I get mad at him at times and make terrible comments. He hates when I bring it up because he says he can't take back what he did. He also says "You didn't care when I told you!" It happened about five years ago and I still think about it. Yes, it is awful of me. I need to know how to get over it. I think it's affecting our sex life.
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #2

    Jan 1, 2008, 08:28 PM
    Yes, you do need to get over this. Your husband was honest with you and told you about that past incident - you know many people would not have been that forthcoming about something in their past. You accepted it when he told you so you need to accept it again. Your obsession over this could drive a deep wedge in your marriage and cause him to leave. Who can live with that kind of pressure that you put on him over this?

    What is done is done. Since you cannot seem to get past this, I think you need to get some professional help. See a counselor on your own about your feelings and obsession and insecurity. He married you. What he did with his niece was stupid, yes, illegal perhaps, but it was five years ago and nothing seems to say he and she are still doing it. Perhaps you and your husband could see a marriage counselor too - but you really do need to seek professional help. You are out of control with your feelings and not too likely to change on your own - this has taken you over, so to speak.

    Good luck with this. I also want to say that if you honestly cannot get past this, then consider a separation. Then use that time to get your head straight. You may not be able to forgive him but you need to try.
    torei3's Avatar
    torei3 Posts: 7, Reputation: 0
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    #3

    Jan 1, 2008, 08:36 PM
    I don't think you know your husband that well and my advice to you is to get your husband into therapy because if he slept with his niece he will sleep with his daghter.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #4

    Jan 1, 2008, 09:46 PM
    It was consensual but they were drunk; your husband's ability to reason was impaired. I can see where this would be a concern if he used bad judgement again when he is drinking. Has that happened? It sounds to me as though you may be bringing this incident to the forefront of your relationship for some other reason. Are you angry or disappointed with your husband about something?
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #5

    Jan 2, 2008, 12:03 AM
    If your husband can't be held accountable for his action because he drinks, he should stay completely away from alcohol.

    If he ever does anything stupid again and blames it on the alcohol, it is completely unforgivable if he doesn't learn to stay away from alcohol completely or gets some help staying away from it 100 percent.

    He needs to stay away from alcohol 100 percent before he does another stupid thing.

    I would highly recommend that you not get passed this issue unless he never drinks again

    I've heard of people who don't think they should be held accountable for automobile crashes because they were drinking. I remind those that think like this that the law does hold someone responsible for drinking and driving. Same hold true for people drinking and doing bad things while under the influence.

    If people use alcohol as an excuse they should never ever drink not even a beer. .
    oneguyinohio's Avatar
    oneguyinohio Posts: 1,302, Reputation: 196
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    #6

    Jan 2, 2008, 12:30 AM
    What he did might have happened even without the alcohol... who knows. The opportunity was there, and it was consentual. To make any other accusations of any other boundaries that he would cross, is only speculation. He was honest with you, and it didn't bother you in the past as much as it seems to now? I agree with

    "you may be bringing this incident to the forefront of your relationship for some other reason. Are you angry or disappointed with your husband about something?"

    Is it anything to do with your present age that you now are the age she would have been at the time? Is that why you are imagining that you are her? You are not her, and the situation is not the same. Is there something going on with his age? That now you are bringing this up in your mind... imagining yourself as the younger woman niece... and feeling like something is "repulsive" to you??
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #7

    Jan 2, 2008, 06:47 AM
    Gyspy,

    Did this revaluation from you now husband happen prior to your marrying? Was he drunk at the time he told you?

    Seasoned drunks, sometimes show their penchant for the booze by, "Crying in their beer." If that's how you found out about the sex, then when he is sober, sit down with him and let him know that you have concerns about his drinking and you would like him to try AA to stop.

    It's real easy to blame the sex on the booze, it's convenient, clean, simple. "Oh, dear, I screwed my niece, but we were both drunk at the time so it doesn't matter. Horse hockey! It does matter!

    If you knew about this prior to your marrying him, then you have to let the sex go. But, you have every right to be prudent and make sure he understands that he can choose to stop drinking, since he has so little control of himself when he is drinking. And that you are very concerned about how he will behave if he is drinking heavily around your (his and your) children.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #8

    Jan 2, 2008, 07:17 AM
    According to you, your current husband confessed this tryst to you because it bothered him. This indicates he had strong feelings for you at the time to trust you with this information. This was a potential bombshell that could have had a profound affect on his life.

    You have to look at two things. First, is he in the habit of getting that drunk? Second, is there any evidence that anything like this happened before or since?

    If the answer to both questions is no, then you need to get over it. It seems like an isolated incident that has had no further consequences. If the answer to the first question is Yes, then you need to get him to go for help with his alcoholism. If the answer to the second question is yes, then I would seriously reconsider your relationship with him.
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #9

    Jan 2, 2008, 07:18 AM
    donf said it perfecly.


    I hope that if you have a gut feeling he may be up to no good behind your back, that you will trust your instincts.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #10

    Jan 2, 2008, 07:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by torei3
    i dont think you know your husband that well and my advice to you is to get your husband into therapy because if he slept with his neice he will sleep with his daghter.
    This is such an off the wall answer, I'm tempted to give it a negative comment. There is no justification for saying she doesn't know her husband, when they have been together for at least 5 years. There is also no indication that a man who slept with his adult niece while under the influence of alcohol would have any designs on his own daughter. That's carrying things WAY too far.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #11

    Jan 2, 2008, 07:27 AM
    Actually, I don't think Donf said it perfectly. Two things bother me about his post. First, from the OP's account, he confessed this because of remorse. I don't get the impression that he was looking for absolution, just understanding. I think he still feels bad about it, because of his reaction when she brings it up. I don't get any impression that he feels it didn't matter because they were drunk.

    The second issue is we have no indication that the husband is a seasoned drunk. In fact, its more the opposite. To break a social taboo like that would require a pretty heavy load on and its possible that he's not a seasoned drunk to have it affect him like that.

    I certainly agree that his use of alcohol is an issue that needs to be explored and dealt with. I just don't think we have enough evidence of it to jump on him for it.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #12

    Jan 2, 2008, 07:52 AM
    Gypsy - Scott,

    Scott raises interesting points.

    I was trying to get an answer regarding the alcahol use in general, that's why I framed my questions to you the way I did. Sorry if I only confused you further.

    On the issue of the nice, I don't believe that a rational thinking person would ask his wife for absolution about a liaison that happened before they were formerly engaged or married.

    I have no doubt that the incident is bothering him, however, I believe that he should seek his absolution from either the niece or her parents. Given her age at the time, I'd say, that the young lady who was also breaching social mores wold be the best choice.

    Logically, I ask myself, why would I make my wife carry part of the burden on my problem?

    HMMM, I think I'll think some more on this one. Scott thanks for the points you raised.
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #13

    Jan 2, 2008, 10:17 AM
    Donf makes an excellent point.

    Why is he getting the wife to carry some of the burden for him?

    It's his problem and he should have carried it to his grave alone. Why drag her into it? He needs to live with the guilt so he doesn't do it again. If indeed it is guilt.


    How do you get over this? He has to continuously prove to you that he won't ever do this sort of thing again. That starts by never drinking anything not even a beer. Then by getting some professional help with the drinking. Those are only the first two steps.
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #14

    Jan 2, 2008, 10:35 AM
    I disagree with SO many people here.

    He got drunk once. Made a mistake. This doesn't mean that he has to stop drinking altogether. This doesn't mean that he's the spawn of satan. This doesn't mean that he needs to go to therapy.

    1. he got drunk. Made a mistake.. . yes. People make mistakes. Granted, this was a biggie, it doesn't mean that he needs to make "changes" in his life. So... you fell down a flight of stairs... are you going to avoid stairs for the rest of your life? no. he didn't ever do it again afterwards... so I don't see what the big deal is. Yes, he had incestuous sex... but let's replace his niece with someone else, say... a college student at a bar. Then what? Does he need to stop drinking?

    2. he told her because he trusted her and wanted to be entirely honest with her. I don't think he told her so that she can "carry his burden." I think she should appreciate that he told her the truth.

    Overall, I think we're attacking this guy like he's the devil himself... in my opinion, he made a mistake. Confessed to his wife of his mistake (that happened while they weren't married). He regrets it. To the wife's knowledge, he hasn't done anything like it ever since.
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #15

    Jan 2, 2008, 11:03 AM
    It all depends on a person's level of responsibility


    If you are an irresponsible person, you use the word mistake

    If you are a responsible person, you make a choice


    Almost 100 percent of the human population in most parts of the world know that having sex with a relative is insentuous.

    Almost 100 percent of the human population in most parts of the world know that having sex with a relative is incentuous. In the USA it is against the law too. He could serve jail time. The courts will not call that a mistake

    He made a decision not a mistake. He knew he shouldn't be having sex with his relative.


    Unless the person shows and demonstrates remorse, he is capable of doing it again.

    At some point we need to have something to go on that this is not going to happen again or that it isn't happening again at this very moment.

    People demonstrate who they are by their past actions. Decisions sometimes cannot be erased. If you want your mistakes forgotton, then you have to demonstrate that you won't ever do it again. Same holds true if you make a bad decision.

    We don't know if this was a one time thing. That is the question.

    How does she move on from this? He has to prove and demonstrate that he won't do it again or that he is not currently doing it.
    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #16

    Jan 2, 2008, 12:22 PM
    You mean he was THAT drunk and he actually got it up?

    I mean holy crap... if I was too drunk and screwed a relative, I would have to be passed out! So he had to have some of his wits about him to even do it.

    If it was me, I would have broken up with him when he told me. But since you've dragged this out five years, I would definitely say you both need to take this to therapy. Best of luck.
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #17

    Jan 2, 2008, 12:41 PM
    mafiaangel180 has given the best answer yet.

    Therapy is a must for both.


    By the way, I had a friend who told me that most men think they are good in bed even if they can't get an erection.

    I think I believe her.
    shatteredsoul's Avatar
    shatteredsoul Posts: 423, Reputation: 130
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    #18

    Jan 2, 2008, 12:47 PM
    I have to say this has more to do with a moral integrity issue and self control, rather than drinking. NOT EVEN in my drunkest moments have I done anything that I didn't have some desire or responsibility in doing it. NOT only is it obvious that this man has serious issues with his own desires of women that are half his age, but I think he borders on being somewhat of a pedophile. I mean, who in their right mind sleeps with their niece, whether they are drunk or not.. something is wrong with this guy. YOu seem to be rather star struck with him. HE is more of a father figure than a husband, he is almost 50 years old. I cannot imagine how you can last. You have known him for seven years, that means you were underage when you met. He likes young, vulnerable women. YOu won't be the last and he probably told you because he thought it would absolve him in some way. YOu shouldn't even want to be with a man like this, but since you are, there is no stopping you. HOPEFULLY you wake up before you get pregnant and get stuck with a perverted old man. I am sorry to be so blunt but it is very obvious that this man is not in his right mind. Whether its in the past or not, I would be completely disgusted and repulsed by him and I don't think you will ever get over him being with his niece because deep down somewhere you know that this was wrong to do in the first place.
    I hope you get to talk to someone who is able to show you that you are wasting your life on someone not worth your time, energy or your youth..
    Again, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I am not trying to, I am just calling it like I see it. YOu would be better off alone than with this guy!!
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #19

    Jan 2, 2008, 02:03 PM
    Shatter makes EXCELLENT POINTS

    I would take his/her advise to heart.
    Dana2007's Avatar
    Dana2007 Posts: 230, Reputation: 5
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    #20

    Jan 2, 2008, 02:33 PM
    Why is it her fault? She was not there to take off his clothes. She wasn't even in the same room with him. If she would have been there in the same room, she would have stopped it.

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