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    debibrock's Avatar
    debibrock Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    May 30, 2007, 12:51 PM
    MY 19 Year old daughter
    I am having such problems with my 19 year old daughter. She graduated last year and went to the Orlando Culinary Academy after graduation. She decided she did not like Orlando and came back home after 6 months. This is the same person who swore up and down that when she went to school, she would not come back home. After about 1 month, she did get a job. However, all she does when she's not working is sit on the couch and do nothing. She has a new truck that her grandma gave her and we are paying the insurance as well as paying for her cell phone. In August we will probably have to start paying on her student loan. Her room is a mess and I do mean a mess... you can't even walk on the floor. She leaves any dishes where they lay. She sleeps in the living room even though she has a bed in her room. She'll wash a big washer full of clothes and then throw them in the dryer... I've tried to tell her that her dryer loads are too big and she leaves things in her pockets, even though we have asked her not to. Even though we recently had to buy a new dryer, she says this is not the reason, even though the guy at the appliance store said it was. She has used every and I do mean every towel in the house and they are in her room. I used to go in there and pick them up and wash them, but I will not do that any more I keep mine and my husbans' towels in our room. She doesn't call when she's not going to coming home for the night. I know she is drinking beer, because we have found unopened beers in her room. Wehave told her if she gets picked up for underage drinking, do not call us. She will go in my room and take anything she wants and then tells me she didn't do it. If I said a word to her about anything, she gets an attitude. Everything that she has ever done, was because I made her do it! If we confront her about anything, she will get in her truck and leave. We hold the title to her truck and have called the PD to try and help us. They are of now help. I'm so done with this. I can not even enjoy my own home. We can't go off for a weekend, because I'm afraid of what I will find when I return. I told my husband today that I can't deal with this anymore. She is so ungrateful and a moocher. She is using us like a door mat. I told my husband today that I am going to try and evict her. I have given the date of 1 September. Am I being unreasonable? How do I get her evicted? I've written to all the talk shows and of course, I have heard nothing from them. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm sick of being miserable. Please help me. Thanks Debi
    jonjons1girl's Avatar
    jonjons1girl Posts: 85, Reputation: 7
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    #2

    May 30, 2007, 01:00 PM
    I am so sorry for all of your trouble! But you and your husband need to lay the law down and take back over your house before it causes problems between you two. I would lay the new laws down for her and if she did not like them she could pack up and leave right then. But as long as she was living in my house and under my roof she would obey me and respect my house. PLEASE for the sake of yourself and husband do this and stick to it. You deserve to live a happy life and not put up with it. She is a grown up now and time for her to face it! Listen or Get out! NO IF'S, AND'S, OR BUT'S ABOUT ANYTHING! GOOD LUCK AND LET ME KNOW HOW IT WORKS OUT!
    debibrock's Avatar
    debibrock Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    May 30, 2007, 01:26 PM
    We've tried to lay down the law to her and she gets us into a fight about something else. I'm thinking of typing up a document and putting all this in there. That way she can't fight with it. This has really ruined my husband and I's relationship. I try not to let it bother me but there are some many times when I get upset and cry. I just want to get her on the right road BEFORE it's too late. THanks Debi:mad:
    jonjons1girl's Avatar
    jonjons1girl Posts: 85, Reputation: 7
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    #4

    May 30, 2007, 01:48 PM
    Debi the best thing you can do is make her get out. She will have to grow up and you can get back to having a life with your husband. PLEASE DO THIS FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND!
    debibrock's Avatar
    debibrock Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    May 30, 2007, 01:51 PM
    How do I go about doing this legally?
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #6

    May 30, 2007, 03:02 PM
    Since she in not paying rent to you, she is not a tenant with tenant rights. You have given her until Sepatember 1st. That is very, almost too very, generous of you and your husband. It is not June yet. I would give her until June 30th. Then stick to it. Move her things out - in the garage if you have to. Change the locks. Do not pay for her insurance or her cell phone.

    You can put all this down in writing and give a notarized copy and keep one for yourself. I would stop cleaning up after her today. Do not allow her to use your laundry room. If you have to, get locks for rooms you do not want her in - like your bedroom.

    It sounds very harsh and unpleasant. It is too. But adult life is harsh and unpleasant many times. We all have been in some places and times that were less than the best ever. If she starts yelling at you or your husband, call the police. Have them come and take her out. My parents had to do that with my oldest brother. It was a wake up call for him. Your daughter needs a wake up call.

    To be very honest, I do not even know why you would need to give her 30 days to get out. Your life is hell now and she is the root of it. Call your local police or sheriff's department. They deal with this kind of situation all the time.

    Good luck to you and your husband.
    LuvMyMaltipoo's Avatar
    LuvMyMaltipoo Posts: 281, Reputation: 39
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    #7

    May 30, 2007, 03:16 PM
    I completely agree with shy. It's time to get tough, she has had her fair amount of warnings, obviously she is not going to change. You two have done above and beyond what parents should do and its you show her tough love. Do what shy said above, good luck!
    debibrock's Avatar
    debibrock Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    May 31, 2007, 07:51 AM
    Thank you for all your support. I guess I knew in my heart this was what we needed to do but now I am convinced. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done but I pray it will turn out right. Thank you.
    deedee06's Avatar
    deedee06 Posts: 47, Reputation: 6
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    #9

    May 31, 2007, 08:07 AM
    Seriously it sounds like she is begging for a push from you to do something with her life... sometimes you have to force her... so make her go back to school or take all of her belongings while she's out of the house one day and pack them up and throw them on the front lawn... change the locks and hope for the best...

    If I was doing what she is doing then I would want you to do that to me...
    debibrock's Avatar
    debibrock Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #10

    May 31, 2007, 08:19 AM
    Maybe it's true. One reason we haven't really pushed her is because when she went to Orlando she said the reason she didn't finsih was because it was something she didn't want to do. According to her, we pushed her. After that I said never again.

    I've worked on a contract and want your opinions on it. It's below:


    In order to continue living in this residence, there are certain responsibilities that you must uphold. If you make a choice not to comply with this contract then we will ask you to leave. If you do not leave, we will request assistance from the police department to assist us. Once you leave, the only way you are welcome to come back is to accept and comply with these responsibilities. If you come back before you are ready to comply with these requirements, we will notify the authorities that you have trespassed on our property.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:

    1. Keep and maintain your room in a clean and orderly fashion. This is to include:
    a. Keeping your floor and bed picked up
    b. Do you laundry at least once a week
    c. Do not let towels accumulate in your room resulting in odors
    d. If you have too much clutter and clothes in your room, you will need to declutter.

    2. Clean your bathroom after each use
    3. Laundry: When you use the washer and dryer, ensure that you complete the cycle of washing, drying and putting away clothes. Do not throw other people's clothes on the floor.
    4. Do not overload the washer or dryer.
    5. Empty your pockets of all items before you put them in the washer and dryer. If something is missed, when you hear it in the washer/dryer remove it.
    6. Maintain the washer/dryer as if it were your own.
    7. Be respectful of my and your father’s property. If you need something, ASK. Do not assume that it is yours for the taking.
    8. Pick up and clean up after yourself, whether it is in the kitchen, bathroom or any common area.
    9. Stay out of my and your father’s room. Once again, if you need something out of our bedroom ASK
    10. If money is in any containers, it is NOT YOURS for the taking.
    11. When you use something, replace it (i.e. batteries). Do not remove batteries from our items for your use.
    12. There will be no illegal substances brought into our house, including the garage and driveway. This includes beer and any other substances and it does not matter if it is not yours. Once it is in your possesssion, it is considered yours.
    13. You are not allowed to have any one over when we are not at home. Additionally, just because something is in the house, it does not mean it is yours for the taking. ASK before you take something.
    14. Respect in actions, words and tone, your father and myself.
    15. Do not sleep in my living room on the couch. You have a bed in your room.
    16. Answer your cell phone when we call or if you can't answer, call us back promptly.
    17. If you are going to stay out all night, fine, just let us know for your safety.

    This is your home as long as you want to be a productive member of this family. There will be times that you will be asked to do things that are not included in this contract. In return for your residency, insurance for your truck and cell phone, you should do these requests.

    We do love you very much but we can not live the way that we are living now. This has to change. We don’t ask a lot of you, but you will need to comply with the above in order to continue living in this house. The choice is yours.

    If you sign this contract, this is binding.

    If the event, that you sign this document and do not comply, you will be asked to leave our house.


    Please give me your thoughts... Thanks Debi
    LuvMyMaltipoo's Avatar
    LuvMyMaltipoo Posts: 281, Reputation: 39
    Full Member
     
    #11

    May 31, 2007, 03:13 PM
    Honestly, I think the contract is a waste of time. If it makes you feel better about the situation then it's certainly up to you but contract or not you will get the same results. As far as the list of responsibilities on the list, it would be great to show that to her, just so she knows EXACTLY what's expected of her and there are no excuses.
    Sochling5's Avatar
    Sochling5 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    May 31, 2007, 03:54 PM
    I'm not for sure if the eviction process is the same everywhere but when people ask us at the police station we always point them in the direction of the county courthouse. You (if you can) might want to call down there first and ask where you should go to file the eviction. After it's been filed, she'll be served and thus will have a certain amount of time to get her stuff and get out.
    MummaCrash's Avatar
    MummaCrash Posts: 136, Reputation: 19
    Junior Member
     
    #13

    Jun 2, 2007, 05:54 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by debibrock
    Maybe it's true. One reason we haven't really pushed her is because when she went to Orlando she said the reason she didn't finsih was because it was something she didn't want to do. According to her, we pushed her. After that I said never again.

    I've worked on a contract and want your opinions on it. It's below:


    In order to continue living in this residence, there are certain responsibilities that you must uphold. If you make a choice not to comply with this contract then we will ask you to leave. If you do not leave, we will request assistance from the police department to assist us. Once you leave, the only way you are welcome to come back is to accept and comply with these responsibilities. If you come back before you are ready to comply with these requirements, we will notify the authorities that you have trespassed on our property.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:

    1. Keep and maintain your room in a clean and orderly fashion. This is to include:
    a. Keeping your floor and bed picked up
    b. Do you laundry at least once a week
    c. Do not let towels accumulate in your room resulting in odors
    d. If you have too much clutter and clothes in your room, you will need to declutter.

    2. Clean your bathroom after each use
    3. Laundry: When you use the washer and dryer, ensure that you complete the cycle of washing, drying and putting away clothes. Do not throw other people's clothes on the floor.
    4. Do not overload the washer or dryer.
    5. Empty your pockets of all items before you put them in the washer and dryer. If something is missed, when you hear it in the washer/dryer remove it.
    6. Maintain the washer/dryer as if it were your own.
    7. Be respectful of my and your father’s property. If you need something, ASK. Do not assume that it is yours for the taking.
    8. Pick up and clean up after yourself, whether it is in the kitchen, bathroom or any common area.
    9. Stay out of my and your father’s room. Once again, if you need something out of our bedroom ASK
    10. If money is in any containers, it is NOT YOURS for the taking.
    11. When you use something, replace it (i.e. batteries). Do not remove batteries from our items for your use.
    12. There will be no illegal substances brought into our house, including the garage and driveway. This includes beer and any other substances and it does not matter if it is not yours. Once it is in your possesssion, it is considered yours.
    13. You are not allowed to have any one over when we are not at home. Additionally, just because something is in the house, it does not mean it is yours for the taking. ASK before you take something.
    14. Respect in actions, words and tone, your father and myself.
    15. Do not sleep in my living room on the couch. You have a bed in your room.
    16. Answer your cell phone when we call or if you can't answer, call us back promptly.
    17. If you are going to stay out all night, fine, just let us know for your safety.

    This is your home as long as you want to be a productive member of this family. There will be times that you will be asked to do things that are not included in this contract. In return for your residency, insurance for your truck and cell phone, you should do these requests.

    We do love you very much but we can not live the way that we are living now. This has to change. We don’t ask a lot of you, but you will need to comply with the above in order to continue living in this house. The choice is yours.

    If you sign this contract, this is binding.

    If the event, that you sign this document and do not comply, you will be asked to leave our house.


    Please give me your thoughts... Thanks Debi

    In order to continue living in this residence, there are certain responsibilities that you must uphold. If you make a choice not to comply with this contract then we will ask you to leave. If you do not leave, we will request assistance from the police department to assist us. Once you leave, the only way you are welcome to come back is to accept and comply with these responsibilities. If you come back before you are ready to comply with these requirements, we will notify the authorities that you have trespassed on our property.
    I agree with you whole heartedly but this part does seem a little too much like, she's your daughters friend living with you, it doesn't sound like something anyone should ever say to their daughter.

    I don't think it's fair to use the police as a resort if she does not comply positively, I think using, 'we will have to move your belongings out of the house if you refuse to comply'.

    If your daughter showed up beaten on your door step, surely you'd take her in.
    It would not be fair to have this kind of contract between blood. Especially from such a close family network.

    I really feel for you and I definitely know how you would be feeling.

    She seems depressed. Like she doesn't have the motivation to better herself. Maybe she needs counselling to help her learn how to live correctly with her family.

    I hope you and your husband get some rest, you deserve a break from all of this mess.
    Continue to inform her who's paying for her bills and her life really, she wouldn't be able to have the big truck and her cel phone. I think it's unfair of her Grandmother to give her a truck that obviously needs to be insured without sorting out some sort of payment plan with her. Obviously you didn't buy her a truck yourself for that very reason.

    Finally- TELL HER TO GET A JOB! A job a job a job! :) I have been working since I was 14 years old, it's not hard at all!

    In saying all of this, I can empathise with you greatly because I am 19 and I know what it's like to gain responsibility and learn how to better myself for my family.
    jonjons1girl's Avatar
    jonjons1girl Posts: 85, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #14

    Jun 4, 2007, 08:51 AM
    I disagree! Sometimes the police or sheriffs dept. are the best to help give a wake up call to kids like this. Deb do this but add that she must keep a job at all times and or go to school. If she falters--- KICK HER OUT! You are calling the shots now. Fix your life and family! The ball is in your field!
    If she can not respect you and your husband after this then she needs to go. END OF SUBJECT! You two sound like great parents, I never had any that helped me and I did everything on my own my ENTIRE life. Trust me she needs this push! You two have done way more than you should have ever. Remember she is grown now, your marriage comes first! If your marriage isn't secure then nothing in the family will be. Your relationship with your husband comes first then your daughters.
    Be strong and I will continue to pray for you all. GOD BLESS!
    sherwil's Avatar
    sherwil Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #15

    Jun 26, 2007, 08:41 PM
    I feel for you and your husband. I am working through similar times with my two 19 year old daughters. This is a difficult time for them and for us as their parents. They face the transition from child to adult and we face all of our shortcomings as parents. We see so clearly now the product of our parenting. They face the world with what we have given them and if they are having a difficult time entering into independence they may call us on our failure to turn them into their world full of skills and self confidence. Anyway when I was a 19 year old myself my mother did resort to changing the locks on me so I could no longer live at home. I can see now that I was a challenge to them at the time but was facing far more hurt than they could have imagined. As a result of being "evicted" I was faced with yet more pain. It did not fix the problems at home... only made them more difficult once I conformed and was allowed to return home. At 43 now I look back on this time as among the most damaging times of my life and no longer speak to my mother. I will never resort to pushing away one of my children in an attempt to jolt some sense into them. From my experience as the "19 year old daughter" I understand that their poor behavior is a cry for help to acquire the skills or confidence they are lacking so they can move forward in their own lives. Feeling insecure with their living conditions will not correct this. We are on the homestretch now and must see through our final years of raising our children... don't let their adult bodies fool you into thinking they are fully grown! This is my experienced opinion. My heart is with you and hope you all find your way through this together.
    jrichards's Avatar
    jrichards Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #16

    Nov 19, 2007, 11:38 PM
    You contract sounds like a good start. The one thing I'd suggest is setting a date for her to leave, even if things go well. Having a firm date as part of the contract may help her focus on what she needs to do to get out.

    Jack Richards
    Adult Children Living at Home
    rekellyjr's Avatar
    rekellyjr Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #17

    Dec 27, 2007, 04:37 PM
    How can I legally throw her out in ny state?
    mitzi56's Avatar
    mitzi56 Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Dec 27, 2007, 05:44 PM
    It sounds like a good plan to me and if she can't comply then out the door she goes by whatever means. I think this could be a good learning tool for you and your husband and a way of gaining respect from your child. But be warned she may rebell and not speak to you after she is kicked out and it will hurt, but after she's had time to grow up maybe , just maybe she will understand you were not asking too much. Be ready to also listen to how she feels, but do not take any nasty words from her, just tell, her to get out if she starts up. I only wish I could have done that with mine too but I didn't have the chance.
    wandawoodstock's Avatar
    wandawoodstock Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #19

    Dec 16, 2008, 10:43 AM
    19 is very young and perhaps she needs some support - to consider throwing a teenager out is not the answer. Some basic rules yes.. not hundreds or you just get angrier and angrier, set yourself up to fail and be frustrated. Start with the basics. Let her know you appreciate that she washes and dries her own clothes, your child is trying to take responsibility for herself. Get a clothes airer and suggest she puts it heavier stuff on that, tumbles the rest. Baby steps though. Try to relax, remember no one can MAKE you feel anything, how you choose to feel is up to you. When a situation occurs think, how else can I feel about this? Maybe you can make a list of things you appreciate about her, and about you,1. how well you are learning to deal with this challenging situation : P

    Let her know you care about her, love her and that you are proud of her. Just for being her.

    I would think she feels awful right now, college/university didn't work out, she probably feels mixed up, what's the point -in anything-in me, and the more we push and become aggressive, (some of the answers said call the police - on your own daughter? Put her out? For being an annoying teenager? Yikes I think you will regret it.)

    At the end of the day this is your child. The towels are just towels- you found a good way to deal with that, and yeah lock your bedroom door if you need to, my friends son died a little while back, he was 19. They had a business and a good life. Now they look broken. You have your child and maybe if you talk to her when you are in a good mood-keep it brief so you don't get mad- she will begin to respect you and open up to you. I think she is struggling with something and yes it's hard on you - go for coffee with her, make time for her, engage her talk to her, make sure every conversation isn't just a build up of frustration and carry over from the last time. I don't know about your relationship, maybe when you relax that will improve.. how about you leave the kid with some of your washing and go out to dinner? React differently to how she expects, how we react is just a habit, we can make new habits, what we think are just thoughts-thoughts can be changed.
    ottcorrie's Avatar
    ottcorrie Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #20

    Apr 28, 2009, 01:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by debibrock View Post
    Maybe it's true. One reason we haven't really pushed her is because when she went to Orlando she said the reason she didn't finsih was because it was something she didn't want to do. According to her, we pushed her. After that I said never again.

    I've worked on a contract and want your opinions on it. It's below:


    In order to continue living in this residence, there are certain responsibilities that you must uphold. In the event that you make a choice not to comply with this contract then we will ask you to leave. In the event that you do not leave, we will request assistance from the police department to assist us. Once you leave, the only way you are welcome to come back is to accept and comply with these responsibilities. If you come back before you are ready to comply with these requirements, we will notify the authorities that you have trespassed on our property.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:

    1. Keep and maintain your room in a clean and orderly fashion. This is to include:
    a. Keeping your floor and bed picked up
    b. Do you laundry at least once a week
    c. Do not let towels accumulate in your room resulting in odors
    d. If you have too much clutter and clothes in your room, you will need to declutter.

    2. Clean your bathroom after each use
    3. Laundry: When you use the washer and dryer, ensure that you complete the cycle of washing, drying and putting away clothes. Do not throw other people's clothes on the floor.
    4. Do not overload the washer or dryer.
    5. Empty your pockets of all items before you put them in the washer and dryer. In the event that something is missed, when you hear it in the washer/dryer remove it.
    6. Maintain the washer/dryer as if it were your own.
    7. Be respectful of my and your father’s property. If you need something, ASK. Do not assume that it is yours for the taking.
    8. Pick up and clean up after yourself, whether it is in the kitchen, bathroom or any common area.
    9. Stay out of my and your father’s room. Once again, if you need something out of our bedroom ASK
    10. If money is in any containers, it is NOT YOURS for the taking.
    11. When you use something, replace it (i.e. batteries). Do not remove batteries from our items for your use.
    12. There will be no illegal substances brought into our house, including the garage and driveway. This includes beer and any other substances and it does not matter if it is not yours. Once it is in your possesssion, it is considered yours.
    13. You are not allowed to have any one over when we are not at home. Additionally, just because something is in the house, it does not mean it is yours for the taking. ASK before you take something.
    14. Respect in actions, words and tone, your father and myself.
    15. Do not sleep in my living room on the couch. You have a bed in your room.
    16. Answer your cell phone when we call or if you can't answer, call us back promptly.
    17. If you are going to stay out all night, fine, just let us know for your safety.

    This is your home as long as you want to be a productive member of this family. There will be times that you will be asked to do things that are not included in this contract. In return for your residency, insurance for your truck and cell phone, you should do these requests.

    We do love you very much but we can not live the way that we are living now. This has to change. We don’t ask a lot of you, but you will need to comply with the above in order to continue living in this house. The choice is yours.

    If you sign this contract, this is binding.

    If the event, that you sign this document and do not comply, you will be asked to leave our house.


    Please give me your thoughts....Thanks Debi
    Debi I think your contract is perfect If you don't mind I would like to use it for my daughter who has just turned 18 and is stealing from her sister and lying about it and she is moving in with her boy friend and I know she will be back because he is kind of a looser. Your situation is so similar to what goes on here I hope this contract works for both of us good luck .

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