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    bcole04's Avatar
    bcole04 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 29, 2007, 09:51 AM
    Boyfriend never wants to have sex anymore!
    So, first off, I am going to preface this by saying that I have read all the similar posts on the topic, but they all deal with their boyfriends being addicted to porn. I wish my problem was that simple. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 21. When we first started dating about 6 months ago the sex was AMAZING. We did it all the time.

    My problem is over the last couple of months my boyfriend has become almost completely un-interested in sex. I don't mind initiating things, in fact I love it, but he never wants to anymore. It's not a physical problem, trust me, that part is just fine, but it's seriously like there is a mental block on him. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I am incredibly open and willing to try just about any new kind of thing when it comes to sex, and I have asked him more than once if there was anything else that I could do, or do differently, and he always replies that it has nothing to do with me, that he just doesn't feel like it. We have had sex once in the past month and that was during the middle of the night when I'm still not sure if it was just an extension of a good dream he was having.

    I'm sure that he does look at porn/masturbate, but I don't think that's the problem. I'm not one of those girls who is disgusted by the fact that their boyfriend's masturbate/look at porn... in fact I'd be worried if he didn't do that. But, I just don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything from throwing him on the bed and practically ripping his clothes off, to dressing up in sexy lingerie, to buying toys (which I love and he always seems skeptical of), to lighting candles and playing soft music. I have put on just about every sexual face that I can think of, and it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't seem to have that drive anymore. We often spend the night together and there will be so many opportunities to have sex (ie: waking up with morning wood, having wrestling fights before bed, laying practically naked next to each other before we fall asleep... etc.) and it's like he doesn't take them, even if I initiate and will do most of the work for him.

    All I want is to have my boyfriend back. It's really starting to wear on my self-esteem. I am normally a very confident, educated, self assured young woman, but after being rejected time and time again by my own boyfriend for sex, it's making me feel unattractive, unwanted, and unloved. He says it has nothing to do with me, but I after I have exhausted all remedies and he still is not responding, what else is left for me to think?

    So please, if anyone has been in this situation before, or has any advice on how to get him interested in sex again, please, please, let me know. Thanks.
    laylow80's Avatar
    laylow80 Posts: 67, Reputation: 3
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    #2

    Jan 29, 2007, 04:03 PM
    I don't want you to take this offensively or anything, but.. it sounds to me like there could be a chance there's another girl in his life. I don't know this guy or anything or what he's like I'm just judging from what you said above. And I know I have to reason to think anything like that and you might hate me for it, but I'm just saying..

    .. this is probably really weird to hear.. but my mom never wanted to have sex with my dad for the longest time (I know this because she told me, I know it grosses me out) I soon found out she had been having sex with another man for all this time. This is just an example from my life.

    I just find it akward for a guy not to want sex especially after all you have done. I mean after all, you are his girlfriend! Does he go off for college or something.. Is there any chacne he could hang with another girl without you knowing ? I'm not saying that's what this is, I'm just stating my opinion. What I would do, is try talking to him about it, ask if he's falling for someone else, if he's getting tired of you, what you can do to pleasure him or make him want it, since you've tried everything you can think of...

    I hope this helps some.
    bcole04's Avatar
    bcole04 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jan 29, 2007, 04:32 PM
    It's possible that this could be the case, but I really don't think so. He's usually pretty open and honest with me, but I mean, you never know what people are hiding. If this is the case, how do I even begin to bring up that kind of subject without sounding like a paranoid psycho-? The last thing I want is for him to think I don't trust him, when really I have all the trust in the world in him. I just want to figure out how to rekindle our sex life. I mean, we are still so young, this shouldn't be a problem I should be dealing with at my age, which is why I need the advice. Thank you for your input though, every little bit helps.
    laylow80's Avatar
    laylow80 Posts: 67, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    Jan 29, 2007, 04:47 PM
    If I were suspicious about something like this, I'd say something like..
    "I trust in you, I really do, but for the past few months things haven't really been the same when it comes to our sexual life, and im really worried. I know you're going to hate me asking this, and I hate to inquire it myself, but is there someone else in your life? I'd like to know before it gets too far along and you or I get hurt..just be honest with me."
    If you find out this isn't the case, and you truly believe him, ask him what has been holding him back for so long.

    Don't feel as if you're going about this in the wrong way, because trust me, if he is cheating you will be glad you confronted him about it instead of finding out from someone else and bearing the consequences, which could be very hurtful.

    It isn't uncommon for someone to suspect this in their relationship, no matter how long you have been together.
    Burd's Avatar
    Burd Posts: 60, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Jan 29, 2007, 04:53 PM
    Has your boyfriend been distant from you?

    Do you still see him every day?

    Because he could be stressed out with college or work? Which is pulling his mind off things.
    Nosnosna's Avatar
    Nosnosna Posts: 434, Reputation: 103
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    #6

    Jan 29, 2007, 04:57 PM
    Talk to him about it. It's possible that he's getting his itch scratched elsewhere, of course, but it's also possible that it's something else... there's no way of knowing unless you talk about it. Let him know how it makes you feel, and that you're worried about him and the relationship.

    I would venture a guess that what it comes down to is that something about the relationship has changed (even if only in his mind), and it's not as fulfilling for him as it was before. If that is the case, then you definitely want to get it out in the open as quickly as possible to either address the issue(s) or accept them and move on with your lives... waiting will just add more pain down the line.
    bcole04's Avatar
    bcole04 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 29, 2007, 05:05 PM
    Thanks for all your input guys. To answer Burd's question, he hasn't been distant in any other part of the relationship. Just the other day we spent the entire afternoon with each other in the town where he grew up (not too far from where we live now). I feel connected to him on every level except for our sex lives. He's finished with school and works a pretty regularly scheduled job so we do get to see each other every day, and most nights we spend the night together too. We both have an amazing balance between life and relationship too (I'm still in school and work part time, and still maintain good relationships with my girlfriends; while he works and hangs out with the guys before I get off work later in the evening). I think I am going to talk to him tonight and figure out what's going on. I love him a lot, and just want to get to the bottom of the problem, as a problem in your sex life is most likely an indicator of a different problem in the relationship.
    laylow80's Avatar
    laylow80 Posts: 67, Reputation: 3
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    #8

    Jan 29, 2007, 05:14 PM
    Good luck, and I hope everything goes well. :]
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Jan 29, 2007, 09:31 PM
    Often the first thing to go is the sex when a relationship moves too fast. 6 months is barely getting to know one another, and now you live together from the sound of it. The heat has cooled. Maybe learning how to communicate with each other is the next step in growing to know each other on a more personal level than just sex. Back off and pay attention to him more and notice the things he doesn't say because the two of you are strangers to each other. I'll bet his take on things is very different than yours and his problem has nothing to do with sex at all.
    bcole04's Avatar
    bcole04 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    Jan 29, 2007, 11:37 PM
    Well, we've actually known each other for over a year, but have only been officially dating for about six months. We don't actually live together, but we do spend a couple nights a week together either at my place or his. We did take quite a bit of time to start dating and become intimate, so I'm not sure if that's an issue. I understand that in the beginning the relationship is always extremely passionate and intense, but this has been a gradual drop in sexual interest... and that's more of what my question was about. Thank you for your input, though I'm not sure if you quite got the right impression from my post, but I do appreciate the response.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #11

    Jan 30, 2007, 06:36 AM
    Well, I have to think SOMETHING has changed (at least in his head) for a healthy 21 year old guy to lose interest in sex. I'd say first try talking to him and ask him straight out what's going on. If he's unresponsive or evasive or hostile, tell him you need to put some emotional distance between you, and proceed to do just that. It's really good that you don't live together because that will make it easier to pull back some. Maybe if he sees that it really is serious to you, he'll come clean and be honest about what's really going on.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #12

    Jan 30, 2007, 07:36 AM
    I'm with Tal on this one. The speed of your relationship is likely the culprit here, even if you think it was slow. If there isn't enough of a relationship to sustain the clunk that occurs when the sex gets familiar, then it frequently produces effects like you are describing here. Its funny how appetitual we treat sex and yet it still remains very much a barometer of emotional elements of trust and intimacy. Having sex together doesn't automatically necessarily mean you have a relationship, to put it bluntly -- a fact many girls learn the painful way.

    I wholeheartedly agree that you two need to talk but I would suggest it be about anything but the sex, as strange as that sounds! LOL Like... how well do you know each other or how open and honest are you both being or can you trust each other with all the other stuff that comes with the relationship or are you even in a relationship or just sex partners --- stuff like that. The sex part is often easy to figure out when the talking part isn't! I hate to say it but if you two can't talk, then the relationship is doomed. I hope this helps. Good luck!
    pumkin2's Avatar
    pumkin2 Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jan 30, 2007, 02:58 PM
    I'm 20 too, my husband is 26... He was my first boyfriend and now my husband.. My husband use to be all over me too in the beginning, then it starts to die down, it's no unusual... the man usually gets "comfortable" with their mate and mellows out with sex...
    Now, don't get me wrong I would say on an average we are intimate maybe.. 1-2 times a week.. which is fine with me, but that may not be OK with you in your situation, if it is that serious and he shows "ABSOULTLY NO INTEREST" such as holding hands in public, kissing or saying "I love u" then there is a problem, and if he is saying it isn't you, it is him and you need to get to the bottom of it.. pronto!:D
    ls143jl's Avatar
    ls143jl Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jan 30, 2007, 06:41 PM
    I was in the same situation as you're stating... We would go for a month with nothing and all it did was make me feel worthless. We have been together for about a year now and I finally figured out it was his way of telling me that he needed to remember what it felt like when we first started. Time has a nasty way of piling up the bickering, arguing and becoming a brick wall between the two of u. What I did. I had him meet me at the bar/diner/etc. and pretend like he was trying to pick me up or the other way around. Sounds stupid but it worked.
    xfallenangel666x's Avatar
    xfallenangel666x Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #15

    Jan 31, 2007, 06:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bcole04
    So, first off, I am going to preface this by saying that I have read all the similar posts on the topic, but they all deal with their boyfriends being addicted to porn. I wish my problem was that simple. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 21. When we first started dating about 6 months ago the sex was AMAZING. We did it all the time.

    My problem is over the last couple of months my boyfriend has become almost completely un-interested in sex. I don't mind initiating things, in fact I love it, but he never wants to anymore. It's not a physical problem, trust me, that part is just fine, but it's seriously like there is a mental block on him. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I am incredibly open and willing to try just about any new kind of thing when it comes to sex, and I have asked him more than once if there was anything else that I could do, or do differently, and he always replies that it has nothing to do with me, that he just doesn't feel like it. We have had sex once in the past month and that was during the middle of the night when I'm still not sure if it was just an extension of a good dream he was having.

    I'm sure that he does look at porn/masturbate, but I don't think that's the problem. I'm not one of those girls who is disgusted by the fact that their boyfriend's masturbate/look at porn... in fact I'd be worried if he didn't do that. But, I just don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything from throwing him on the bed and practically ripping his clothes off, to dressing up in sexy lingerie, to buying toys (which I love and he always seems skeptical of), to lighting candles and playing soft music. I have put on just about every sexual face that I can think of, and it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't seem to have that drive anymore. We often spend the night together and there will be so many opportunities to have sex (ie: waking up with morning wood, having wrestling fights before bed, laying practically naked next to each other before we fall asleep... etc.) and it's like he doesn't take them, even if I initiate and will do most of the work for him.

    All I want is to have my boyfriend back. It's really starting to wear on my self-esteem. I am normally a very confident, educated, self assured young woman, but after being rejected time and time again by my own boyfriend for sex, it's making me feel unattractive, unwanted, and unloved. He says it has nothing to do with me, but I after I have exhausted all remedies and he still is not responding, what else is left for me to think?

    So please, if anyone has been in this situation before, or has any advice on how to get him interested in sex again, please, please, let me know. Thanks.
    The Same thing is happening to me right now, and I don't know why. Just hang in there and I'm sure you'll get through it.
    Rusty1987's Avatar
    Rusty1987 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Apr 14, 2007, 12:22 PM
    Wow, I have the same problem! I know how you feel about the worthless thing... but I would definatley talk to him about it, as hard as that may sound. In fact, I'm having trouble bringing it up myself to my boyfriend because no matter how I try to ask I either can't get it out of me, or worse, he just says he doesn't want to rush me in anyway and makes me feel like I'm the reason we are no longer intimate. We connect on every other level too! I hope things get better for you! Good luck talking to him, its harder than it sounds.
    mika22's Avatar
    mika22 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #17

    Jul 26, 2007, 07:47 PM
    See I am in the same boat with you, so I really can't give you much advice on the situation but what I can say is that if you love him just keep trying but if you feel that he is not giving you what you need from him after letting him know how you feel then I would move on your still young and if you do feel that you have the whole packed then it's his lost. Good luck
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #18

    Jul 27, 2007, 05:00 AM
    Keep in mind early in a relationship sex holds an excitement because you aren't familiar with each other. Its easy for that to taper off after a few months if you don't have a strong relationship and you don't have a little variety. Meaning are you doing the same thing the same way all the time? I'll bet you are for the most part. Common mistake is being too quick to jump straight to sex and move in together way too soon. I'm not so much a prude I don't like living together, however it should be viewed far less casually than many view it.

    Perhaps by doing that so quick you lost the chance to objectively see if your relationship is staying strong and instead of that finding your relationship is staying what it is just because of familiarity and the fact you live together and are used to being together, rather than being together because you really want to.
    missylando's Avatar
    missylando Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #19

    Oct 3, 2007, 02:14 PM
    I completely feel you on this. So I guess I can't help you out with any advice on how to deal with the situation. In my situation its been a month also and he has admitted that he has not interest right now. He doesn't know if its because of everything he's been dealing with college starting again, he just bought a new house and has been in the process of moving, was trying to quit smoking, quit drinking, but its really aggrevating me to say the least lol. Definitely makes me think at times like he's becoming less interested in me but our relationship is great all around. We've been together for 11months now and everything fits perfectly. He asked me to move in with him 2 weeks ago so now we are both in the process of moving into the new house. I just can't stop thinking to myself "self, if i'm all for having sex, why isn't he?". Then I feel like . Don't know what to think. Don't want it to continue either.
    SassySonya's Avatar
    SassySonya Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Feb 11, 2008, 02:41 PM
    Same thing has been happening to me. I'm 28 yrs old and he's 38. He always gets angry and upset that other men flirt with me and want me, yet he doesn't want to touch me. When we fight about things, he tells me.. he shouldn't date a hot girl anymore and should just find somebody nobody wants. It hurts and it's frustrating. I think you should try talking to him. I mean.. I've tried... but it hasn't resolved things. He continues to evade any kind of physical closeness by every means possible. If we're sitting next to each other on the couch, he'll purposely grab a drink or anything just to avoid it. He's slightly overweight and a lazy person who tends to fall asleep at 10pm on a Saturday night. Sex is very high maintenance for him.. everything needs to be perfect.. he needs to feel un pressured, non stressed out, not too full, not too hungry, it can't be too late, housework needs to be done, he can't be thinking nor worrying about something, it's just a huge mess. He's lucky I haven't cheated nor broken up with him. It's just the price I have to pay to be with somebody I care about, but it hurts so deeply. Im depressed and I'm always crying.
    For some reason, I don't think your guy is as unique of a case as mine, so please talk to him.. he needs to know. Let me know what happened.. and perhaps I can live vicariously through you. Good Luck!:(

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