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    janedoex's Avatar
    janedoex Posts: 7, Reputation: 4
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    #1

    Sep 18, 2007, 08:21 PM
    Lesbian in a relationship w a straight girl/ will it work?
    Hello,

    This is kind of long winded because I have a lot to get out of my chest, so bail now if you don't want to do all this reading lol...

    Here's my situation:
    Met a girl at work, we hit it off well. I'm gay, 27, she's straight 34. When I came out to her at work in confidence, she was very cool with it and we started becoming good friends outside of work. It escalated to the point of her becoming playfully flirtatious with me, and me reciprocating. It was all out of fun, and since I worked in a smaller group work setting at the time, everyone there eventually came to know and accept me and had no problems w my sexuality.

    Well eventually my playful flirting started to have a bit of meaning to it, and I developed a crush on this person. We started spending a lot of time outside of work together, and talking on the phone. We became more comfortable w each other, and I guess naturally, we started to talk very frankly about our sex lives and so on... our conversations would become very detailed lets just say, and that's when our sexual tension started... don't know if me telling her what sex w a woman was like peaked her interests or not, or her telling me about how she is very wild and fun in bed peaked my interests... but one thing led to another, and as our sexual tension grew, so did our confort in expressing this tension. Eventually, we became physical/ (it started as phone sex), and it led to us sleeping together. After the 1st time, realizing that we really enjoyed it/ we decided to keep doing it/ our friendship now moved on to "friends w benefits", with the understanding that we enjoyed each others friendship and sex, but nothing more would come of it/

    Well... months later, things started to change/ even though we hadn't acknowledged the change, it was noticeable. Where our intimate moments was just sexually charged, now there was a level of intimacy that wasn't there before. We would cuddle in bed afterwards, look into each others eyes and smile... so on and so forth. I started to get very confused about my feelings, and really thought about bailing before I became too emotionally attached, but deep down I knew it was too late. I had fallen for her, and somehow I thought that she may be feeling something more than she led on as well... even though all my gay friends told me she was using me for sex, and I would get my heart broken, and "never fall for a straight girl " and all the things I would tell someone if they told me this story... but nonetheless, I kept with her, because I just had this "feeling",

    So, it just so happened to all come out one day- she was getting another job, and she was also noticing that change I was talking about... she told a close friend about it/ and the advice she was given was to walk away now, because she will end up hurting me in the end. The friend wisely told her that she should play w my emotions, and if she has a feeling that I'm falling for her, she should be the one to end it before it effects our friendship, which was something that meant a lot to her and she didn't want to lose. She was all set to heed her friends advise/ and I could tell at the start of the conversation where she was going with it... except she didn't do it. Instead she started to cry, and tell me that she was confused, and was not sure what was going on/ she told me she loves spending time w me, and I've made her feel something she hadn't felt in a while... so then and there I told her how I felt about her. Afterwards she asked me if I would truly be happy being w someone that couldn't even tell me she liked girls. In fact, she tells me that she's not attracted to women at all, she doesn't secretly look at women and want to be with them, she only really ever looked at men. She tells me that I'm her exception. So with all that said, I told her that I was aware of this risk, and that in the end I might not get what I want, but it was too late now/ I have fallen for her and I didn't want to walk away without giving it a shot. Because maybe just maybe, she is the girl for me...

    4 months later, she is officially my girlfriend. Still straight/ she has introduced me to her family as her friend, but didn't lie to them about my sexuality. She doesn't make excuses for being w me, and is pretty honest w her family about the time she spends w me, however has never hinted that she and I are together/ I have introduced her to my circle of friends, as my girlfriend. My "straight" girlfriend. And yes, some of them still question my logic... I tell them the same thing. "who cares about labels? if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't" of course my insecurities have shown their ugly face here and there, I do get insecure about her liking guys, and secretly fear that its only a matter of time before she meets the male me and leaves me. She has her insecurites as well, about me leaving her for a "real lesbian" as she says, and we have a bunch of other issues, but the bottom line is I'm deeply in love w her and if I could would marry her tomorrow...

    I guess my question is : if you were me, would you be crazy enough to think this might work? Are there signs that I am missing here? Is this girl just confused ? Does it even matter that she's not gay? We have great sex, and she is also a giver as well as a receiver... but I don't know if this is something that can fulfill her as much as her being w a man can/ even though she tells me - u've made me happier than any man in a long time has... I guess I'm afraid that despite all the positives it might still end up in heartbreak... :confused:
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #2

    Sep 18, 2007, 08:51 PM

    I've seen this before.

    I don't want to depress you, but our personal/individual sexuality is VERY strong.


    In other words, If she is straight, she can never fall 100% in love with you.
    If you can accept that, keep going. If not, protect yourself and... her.
    nkychic's Avatar
    nkychic Posts: 180, Reputation: 70
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    #3

    Sep 18, 2007, 08:56 PM
    I can honestly say that I'm sure that her intentions are NOT to hurt you. As you said gay, straight, lesbian, bi, cheerleader, coach; these are all labels. I never was a fan of labels and that hasn't changed. I do worry, however, will it bother you if you are forever introduced as her 'friend'? I know that again, to some that in itself may be a label, but can you handle her never saying you are her "girlfriend"? Even more so, can you handle her not being able to fully admit to herself that she is in love with you, that this is more than just a fling or experiment? It does in any sense seem to me that this is much more to her than just "bi-curious" tendencies. I really do believe that she has true feelings for you. I'm just bothered by the fact that she can't admit to others. I'm afraid for you that she will not be able to handle the weight of "ommitting the truth" (or in essence, lying) to her family and she may throw in the towel. I'm afraid she may give in because that would be the 'easy way out'. I have never been in this situation, so obviously I can only go on mere opinion. I do however wish you both the best and hope that you both find happiness (whether with each other or others). Good luck hon!
    janedoex's Avatar
    janedoex Posts: 7, Reputation: 4
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    #4

    Sep 19, 2007, 07:07 PM
    Its funny because since I started reading around all these questions about relationships and seeing that there are a lot of people who feel the same fears and have the same questions as me, I feel better. It's a part of life to have to deal w these things, and we just have to pick a road and travel it, and hope it gets us where we want to go... so far I've decided to see where I go w this relationship, only because I don't think I can forgive myself if I just walk away out of fear of it not working. So we'll see how it goes...
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #5

    Sep 19, 2007, 07:22 PM
    She has already told you she is confused, you know she is straight, what are you not understanding. I think you want something you know you're not going to have. It's not fair to her to try and tie her to you knowing she's straight. And it's not fair to you for her to just hang on because she is comfortable with you.
    End it and go on. Leave straight women alone.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Sep 19, 2007, 07:25 PM
    I really think that she has some very deep feelings for you, and it was great at her time of need, but her feelings will come through and her needs must be met also. I really believe she will follow her own path to her own happiness, and what you have now, will be a thing of the past. Having said that, you cannot at least see where this leads and honestly, I would go for it. Even if at the end my heart was broken. That's just me though.
    stonewilder's Avatar
    stonewilder Posts: 420, Reputation: 99
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    #7

    Sep 19, 2007, 08:08 PM
    First off I enjoyed reading your post, I thought it was interesting. I'm not sure if there is a pain worse than heartbreak but to feel anything is better than feeling nothing at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you love her is it not worth the chance of getting your heart broke for something that might turn out to be everything you hope for? I mean it's a little late to walk away now with out your heart being broke right? Gay or straight we all have these same kind of issues. I understand her not being gay plays a part in how you feel but the fact is... she is with you. I think she dose have deep feelings for you, maybe more than she even realizes. Heartbreak comes to us all but if you let your fears win you will never know what might have been. Try to stop worrying about if it's going to all work out in the end and just enjoy what the two of you are sharing now.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #8

    Sep 19, 2007, 08:55 PM
    Like all relationships, it will work until it doesn't anymore and then there will be pain and heartache. Welcome to the human race.
    eliot15's Avatar
    eliot15 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 25, 2008, 09:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by janedoex
    hello,

    this is kinda long winded coz i have alot to get out of my chest, so bail now if u dont wanna do all this reading lol.....

    heres my situation:
    met a girl at work, we hit it off well. i'm gay, 27, shes straight 34. when i came out to her at work in confidence, she was very cool with it and we started becoming good friends outside of work. it escalated to the point of her becoming playfully flirtatious with me, and me reciprocating. it was all out of fun, and since i worked in a smaller group work setting at the time, everyone there eventually came to know and accept me and had no problems w my sexuality.

    well eventually my playful flirting started to have a bit of meaning to it, and i developed a crush on this person. we started spending alot of time outside of work together, and talking on the phone. we became more comfortable w each other, and i guess naturally, we started to talk very frankly about our sex lives and so on....our conversations would become very detailed lets just say, and thats when our sexual tension started....don't know if me telling her what sex w a woman was like peaked her interests or not, or her telling me about how she is very wild and fun in bed peaked my interests....but one thing led to another, and as our sexual tension grew, so did our confort in expressing this tension. eventually, we became physical/ (it started out as phone sex), and it led to us sleeping together. after the 1st time, realizing that we really enjoyed it/ we decided to keep doing it/ our friendship now moved on to "friends w benefits", with the understanding that we enjoyed each others friendship and sex, but nothing more would come of it/

    well.......months later, things started to change/ even though we hadn't acknowledged the change, it was noticable. where our intimate moments was just sexually charged, now there was a level of intimacy that wasn't there before. we would cuddle in bed afterwards, look into each others eyes and smile....so on and so forth. i started to get very confused about my feelings, and really thought about bailing before i became too emotionally attached, but deep down i knew it was too late. i had fallen for her, and somehow i thought that she may be feeling something more than she led on as well....even though all my gay friends told me she was using me for sex, and i would get my heart broken, and "never fall for a straight girl " and all the things i would tell someone if they told me this story....but nonetheless, i kept with her, because i just had this "feeling",

    so, it just so happened to all come out one day- she was getting another job, and she was also noticing that change i was talking about.....she told a close friend about it/ and the advice she was given was to walk away now, because she will end up hurting me in the end. the friend wisely told her that she should play w my emotions, and if she has a feeling that i'm falling for her, she should be the one to end it before it effects our friendship, which was something that meant alot to her and she didn't want to lose. she was all set to heed her friends advise/ and i could tell at the start of the conversation where she was going with it..................except she didn't do it. instead she started to cry, and tell me that she was confused, and was not sure what was going on/ she told me she loves spending time w me, and i've made her feel something she hadnt felt in a while.....so then and there i told her how i felt about her. afterwards she asked me if i would truly be happy being w someone that couldnt even tell me she liked girls. in fact, she tells me that shes not attracted to women at all, she doesn't secretly look at women and want to be with them, she only really ever looked at men. she tells me that i'm her exception. so with all that said, i told her that i was aware of this risk, and that in the end i might not get what i want, but it was too late now/ i have fallen for her and i didn't wanna walk away without giving it a shot. because maybe just maybe, she is the girl for me...

    4 months later, she is officially my girlfriend. still straight/ she has introduced me to her family as her friend, but didn't lie to them about my sexuality. she doesn't make excuses for being w me, and is pretty honest w her family about the time she spends w me, however has never hinted that she and i are together/ i have introduced her to my circle of friends, as my girlfriend. my "straight" girlfriend. and yes, some of them still question my logic..... i tell them the same thing. "who cares about labels? if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't" of course my insecurities have shown their ugly face here and there, i do get insecure about her liking guys, and secretly fear that its only a matter of time before she meets the male me and leaves me. she has her insecurites as well, about me leaving her for a "real lesbian" as she says, and we have a bunch of other issues, but the bottom line is i'm deeply in love w her and if i could would marry her tomorrow......

    i guess my question is : if you were me, would you be crazy enough to think this might work? are there signs that i am missing here? is this girl just confused ? does it even matter that shes not gay? we have great sex, and she is also a giver as well as a receiver....but i dont know if this is something that can fulfill her as much as her being w a man can/ even though she tells me - u've made me happier than any man in a long time has...... i guess i'm afraid that despite all the positives it might still end up in heartbreak.....:confused:
    I am the straight girl in my story. And yours was the first answer I got googling my confusion. The funny thing is that being the age I am, I am really too clear that I love her and want to be with her.
    So... did your story work? Are you OK?
    janedoex's Avatar
    janedoex Posts: 7, Reputation: 4
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    #10

    Apr 25, 2008, 03:04 PM
    Hey there... so you are the straight girl in this story? That must be just as confusing as being the lesbian in the story lol...

    Well so far it has worked out very well. We are coming on a year of being together. We have had our fights, as all relationships do, and crazy enough, not one involved her being "straight" and me being "gay, they were mostly stupid couple arguments lol. In fact, i came to some sort of zen-like acceptance of the whole thing. I had a lot of people warning me to be careful because sexuality is hard to "change", but it wasn't even about that. Its about meeting someone and realizing that they make you happy, and just like every relationship, it can only work if the two people make it work, and believe it can work. I am not ignorant to think it can't end in heartache or that something might not work out one day, but again, i chose to take that risk when i told her how i felt, and i still choose to take that risk, because she still makes me happy. and i hope i make her happy. and thats all you can ask for from anyone.

    so i say, "follow your heart", it may not always work out, but you'll never know until you try...
    arghmyheadhurts's Avatar
    arghmyheadhurts Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Sep 29, 2008, 10:06 PM
    ... so how did your relationship go so far? Is it still okay? I've personally heard of a lot of cases in which straight girls fall for other girls, even though they aren't lesbians themselves. And they're still going strong. Does it really matter who loves who?
    janedoex's Avatar
    janedoex Posts: 7, Reputation: 4
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    #12

    Oct 1, 2008, 10:02 AM
    Hey...

    Actually I'm happy to say its still going, and going well :)

    I've been lucky in the fact that she's been honest with me about her feelings, and open about her sexuality. She has not put so much emphasis on her sexual orientation, just the fact that she loves me and is happy. I have also learned not to put so much importance on the "label". The fact is, if it does not work out it can be for many reasons, and can happen just as easily if she were a lesbian, bi, straight, confused, and not necessarily because of those factors. There is so much to a working relationship: Trust, love, friendship, communication, that spark... I feel like we have a lot of that going on, and while its not perfect, there are arguments and misunderstandings, we try to resolve it honestly. She is a great girl. And I love her a lot, and she shows me she feels the same. So I am happy :)

    I hope people will not try so much to fit everything into a label... the world does not have to be black and white... its a rainbow of color!!
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    arghmyheadhurts Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Oct 2, 2008, 10:18 AM
    :) I'm glad to hear that it's still going well. Love can be genderless... labels aren't that important.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #14

    Oct 2, 2008, 02:51 PM

    I do not get this? So, why does she call herself straight?

    If she is then she cannot commit to loving you.

    If she is not, she can.
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    veggitastic Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Oct 23, 2008, 09:05 AM
    Thank you so much, janedoex, for posting your unique relationship situation. When I came across it, I almost jumped out of my seat and wondered if I had posted something during my sleep. I am in exactly the same situation!! It's crazy. Also together with the most wonderful lady who is primarily attracted to dudes (I'm the one female exception). Also, we're co-workers (in different departments), but still there is need for extreme caution and discretion, so (at this point) nobody knows. We both have the insecurities you describe, but I find that (at least for me) they are fading. Continuous communication and loads of humour are the key to this kind of unique situation. We both crazy in love with one another and want to be together for a lifetime. The details of how we will tell people and dealing with their reactions is further down the road, but I think for now we are simply enjoying being together and building our relationship into a strong, unsinkable force to be reckoned with. And you're absolutely right, relationships end for a variety reasons to which anybody is susceptible. So, I am focused (for the most part) on being the best, healthiest person to make this relationship work (as anybody would be inspired to do if they met the love of their life). Of course, it doesn't preclude me from being human sometimes and feeling extreme feelings of fear and anxiety (which are largely unsubstantiated; at least nothing that she is communicating or doing). It boils down to trust... and letting go... living outside the straight/gay norm. It's possible, but you have to be strong and confident in your love. And that is exactly what I have decided to do.

    So, can a relationship between a gay woman and a straight woman work? Most definitely! That's my experience. All the best with your's!
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    GYRFALCSOAPBERR Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Oct 23, 2008, 10:43 AM

    Hi there, I think I can offer some insight here as well. I am the "Straight" girl in this exact situation. I think I can explain what it feels like to be straight and suddenly fall for a woman. For me, I had fallen in love with 2 men in my life, and had been in long term relationships with a smattering of other men who I loved and was attracted to, but was not "in love with". To clarify, I classify truly in love as that feeling like you chest is being crushed and you can barely breathe when you are around them, so I resist using that term except for the extremely intense connections.

    So there I was, chugging along on my pretty normal life course, and I can honestly say I had never had a crush on a woman. I was over 30 and so since I had only ever liked the opposite sex, I was pretty comfortable in my sexuality and identity as straight. I even had a lot of lesbian friends and many had crushes on me so it was not like I had never met cool lesbians before either. I just thought of kissing a woman like kissing a relative at the airport - something that I knew up to that point would spark no subsequent physiological reaction. Basically, I knew when super strong chemistry felt like through a few guys in my past and I had never even come close to that with any woman, as cool and pretty as many were.

    So, fastfarward a but.. I find myself at a new job, over 30, and not completely satisfied in my relationship of nearly 2 years with a guy. I loved him and we had an amazing sex life, but there was a depth in myself that wasn't being met by him. I don't doubt he had more depth, he was just unable to express it well and so I always felt like we had to relate in a very superficial way and could only get so intimate. I think I was probably craving intimacy beyond what I was getting. Then I met her... from the moment we met my mind kind of went silent. I cannot say I was sexually attracted to her right off the bat, but I was strangely drawn and strangely still in her presence. I had experienced that before when I first met my male true love years earlier. It's like, when you meet someone you normally spend at least a moment "judging" them at least in some small way, where a third person narrative is kidn of going on in your head. With her, just as with my biggest male love, there was just openness and stillness and acceptance of all that she was and said as she spoke. As has been the trend with me in the past with guys I really fell for, I thought she was just a kindred spirit, and a wonderful friend. We became fast friends and soon realized how much we had in common, not just in the things we enjoyed doing but also in our emotional landscape and how we interacted with people and the world. At some point, and I don't even know when or how it happened, I found myself missing her when I was away with my boyfriend. This was pretty confusing, but I have never been someone to deny my own feelings, so I was not trying to repress them either. She was also in a serios relationship though, and so I saw it as impossible. Plus, we worked together, and not only is dating in the workplace discouraged, I was certain that a "scandal" like a straight girl being converted by a gay girl (as upper management would see it) would lead to discrimination and being treated unfairly at work. And so, despite growing feelings I remained a friend. I did however break up with my partner at the time realizing that if I was able to have those feelings for someone else while with him, it wasn't right. I had actually forgotten how strong love could feel, but only recognized the warning signs of it with her by my experiences with a couple of guys in the past.

    Fast forward again... soon after I broke up with him, she also started hinting that she was unhappy in her relationship. I obviously didn't think it had anything to do with me (and it didn't) so tried to be a supportive and objective friend. I even encouraged her to try to work it out since they had been together for so long. I probably also didn't want to feel at all responsible for a break up if she was potentially feeling like she had a crush on me. In the end though, they broke up. Again, nothing happened and I just tried to be a supportive friend to her as she was hurting during this time. However, the more crap we were going through, the more close I felt and the more I realized that I wanted to make her happy in a way I have rarely wanted to make another happy. I just really loved her. She was fast becoming my best friend and I always wanted to be by her side. I also started feeling strongly enough that words could not communicate it, which is probably when the physical started. We started kissing quite naturally one night (albeit after heavy drinking) when I was trying to teach her how to dance. Well, once that happened and an electric storm went off over our heads, I realized that I felt like I did with guys I am in love with. I suppose at that point I had to admit that I was bisexual if you have to put a label on it, but my particular form of bisexuality appears limited to only her. I had seriously never had a modicum of feeling in that venue for any other woman, and doubt I would again. If we broke up, I would undoubtedly date men. So, I guess I feel like a more accurate description of me would be straight with an exception. Complicated I know, but I agree with the uselessness of labels. There is definitely a gradient out there. I think of it this way actually... for every straight person there is probably at least ONE person out there of the same sex who could turn their heads. However, if you are straight, pretty average people of the opposite sex turn your head (in other words, it is easier) but you need a pretty exceptionally amazing match for you to turn your head the other way... in other words so much harder that it would almost never happen.. but I met that exceptional person. Gender doesn't matter in this case because the feelings are just as strong. Some people think of bisexuals as promarily attracted to one sex of the other. I guess I would stand away from that definition because for me it is not a matter of degree of liking a gender it is a frequency of occurrence. Liking a female is a once in a lifetime experience for me, but just because it happens less frequently than with guys it does not feel any less intense. I hope that helps explain things to people reading these posts who are confused about the entire concept. I almost believe that people should just say they are "sexual" as in today's day and age sexual fluidity and gradients are pretty well recognized (esp. in women) and the labels just seek to simplify things for others... to put you in a box that they can understand because the sides confine you.

    Now that I have explained that... sorry about the long winded response... I will say that I am totally and completely in love with this woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We do have some of the same insecurities though. She worries I will leave her for a guy someday. At first I worried if I could "give up" men, which yes- to some degree it feels like giving up, but gaining such different and great things (so, giving up, but not a sacrifice). I also worry that she will go find a real lesbian, as expressed in the previous post, who is so overwhelmingly attracted to women that she never has to feel any insecurities. And, I figure lesbians know some tricks that I don't ;p But, at the end of the day, she isn't interested in a woman climbing all over her for looks alone- she, like me, wants someone who loves and appreciated and is connected to her entire self. We have such a strong connection that everything else emerges from that, and the degree to which I feel love for her is hard to explain. It is huge, and I only want the best for her.

    So now we are in a hug cunundrum of sorts. We cannot tell anyone at work because we might get fired or we would at least experience extreme discomfort from our co-workers (they are open minded, but this would spin their heads out) and likely discrimination and poor treatment from upper management, especially one individual. We both have good jobs though that are not exactly easy to come by, and so we are trying to figure out what to do. We are building our relationship privately, but it is difficult when we have the same friends, who are also co-workers! Basically, if anyone finds out, everyone else would soon follow and that could destroy our reputations and ability to work there. It is all pretty frightening actually - to have so much on the line for love. There is the added stress of wondering how my friends and family (and ex boyfriends!) will react. They will probably not understand... I like guys and they know that and I worry they will downplay this as a phase that I will come out of. It would be easier to just tell them I am gay, but that just isn't the truth. So, I have to explain this really lengthy crazy thing to people at some point (not until at least after we find new jobs). If anyone has any advice on how to handle the logistics of explaining this one to people, it is welcome!

    So, original poster, you are not alone. This stuff actually happens. Sexuality is not fixed and what counts in the end is the two people and whether they are in love and enrich one another and make each other happy. It is the rest of the world who will cause you heartache and struggle though, when that person is of the same sex, and not of the same orientation. Good luck.
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #17

    Oct 23, 2008, 11:17 AM

    Follow your heart
    I was the straight girl and spent three years with the gay woman.. I relationship didn't work out for other reasons the fact that I was attracted to men too had nothing to do with it
    Loved her as a friend, then a lover, still love her now, just didn't work out for us.
    Absolutely no regrets..
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    theophony33 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Nov 25, 2008, 08:39 PM
    I am in the same situation. It is hard. When one feels that it is literally your other half. Gender sucks. I look at falling in love as a spiritual phenomenon. It is something out of this world when love strikes. I love my friend unconditionally. I accept where she is in her life and do not want to place undue hardship or confusion upon her. She knows where my heart is and we will always be connectted. I have gone on with my life and we will always share a deep bond. I love her and she loves me. Yes, I wish I could spend, share my life with her. Maybe I will my life is not over. Relationships take time to develop. I believe God has a plan and we our friendship will only grow over the years. I wish you peace and all the best!

    Quote Originally Posted by janedoex View Post
    hello,

    this is kinda long winded coz i have alot to get out of my chest, so bail now if u dont wanna do all this reading lol.....

    heres my situation:
    met a girl at work, we hit it off well. i'm gay, 27, shes straight 34. when i came out to her at work in confidence, she was very cool with it and we started becoming good friends outside of work. it escalated to the point of her becoming playfully flirtatious with me, and me reciprocating. it was all out of fun, and since i worked in a smaller group work setting at the time, everyone there eventually came to know and accept me and had no problems w my sexuality.

    well eventually my playful flirting started to have a bit of meaning to it, and i developed a crush on this person. we started spending alot of time outside of work together, and talking on the phone. we became more comfortable w each other, and i guess naturally, we started to talk very frankly about our sex lives and so on....our conversations would become very detailed lets just say, and thats when our sexual tension started....don't know if me telling her what sex w a woman was like peaked her interests or not, or her telling me about how she is very wild and fun in bed peaked my interests....but one thing led to another, and as our sexual tension grew, so did our confort in expressing this tension. eventually, we became physical/ (it started out as phone sex), and it led to us sleeping together. after the 1st time, realizing that we really enjoyed it/ we decided to keep doing it/ our friendship now moved on to "friends w benefits", with the understanding that we enjoyed each others friendship and sex, but nothing more would come of it/

    well.......months later, things started to change/ even though we hadn't acknowledged the change, it was noticable. where our intimate moments was just sexually charged, now there was a level of intimacy that wasn't there before. we would cuddle in bed afterwards, look into each others eyes and smile....so on and so forth. i started to get very confused about my feelings, and really thought about bailing before i became too emotionally attached, but deep down i knew it was too late. i had fallen for her, and somehow i thought that she may be feeling something more than she led on as well....even though all my gay friends told me she was using me for sex, and i would get my heart broken, and "never fall for a straight girl " and all the things i would tell someone if they told me this story....but nonetheless, i kept with her, because i just had this "feeling",

    so, it just so happened to all come out one day- she was getting another job, and she was also noticing that change i was talking about.....she told a close friend about it/ and the advice she was given was to walk away now, because she will end up hurting me in the end. the friend wisely told her that she should play w my emotions, and if she has a feeling that i'm falling for her, she should be the one to end it before it effects our friendship, which was something that meant alot to her and she didn't want to lose. she was all set to heed her friends advise/ and i could tell at the start of the conversation where she was going with it..................except she didn't do it. instead she started to cry, and tell me that she was confused, and was not sure what was going on/ she told me she loves spending time w me, and i've made her feel something she hadnt felt in a while.....so then and there i told her how i felt about her. afterwards she asked me if i would truly be happy being w someone that couldnt even tell me she liked girls. in fact, she tells me that shes not attracted to women at all, she doesn't secretly look at women and want to be with them, she only really ever looked at men. she tells me that i'm her exception. so with all that said, i told her that i was aware of this risk, and that in the end i might not get what i want, but it was too late now/ i have fallen for her and i didn't wanna walk away without giving it a shot. because maybe just maybe, she is the girl for me...

    4 months later, she is officially my girlfriend. still straight/ she has introduced me to her family as her friend, but didn't lie to them about my sexuality. she doesn't make excuses for being w me, and is pretty honest w her family about the time she spends w me, however has never hinted that she and i are together/ i have introduced her to my circle of friends, as my girlfriend. my "straight" girlfriend. and yes, some of them still question my logic..... i tell them the same thing. "who cares about labels? if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't" of course my insecurities have shown their ugly face here and there, i do get insecure about her liking guys, and secretly fear that its only a matter of time before she meets the male me and leaves me. she has her insecurites as well, about me leaving her for a "real lesbian" as she says, and we have a bunch of other issues, but the bottom line is i'm deeply in love w her and if i could would marry her tomorrow......

    i guess my question is : if you were me, would you be crazy enough to think this might work? are there signs that i am missing here? is this girl just confused ? does it even matter that shes not gay? we have great sex, and she is also a giver as well as a receiver....but i dont know if this is something that can fulfill her as much as her being w a man can/ even though she tells me - u've made me happier than any man in a long time has...... i guess i'm afraid that despite all the positives it might still end up in heartbreak.....:confused:
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    monab1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Apr 25, 2009, 09:18 AM
    I've been an out queer lesbian since the early 80s and have been with both straight and lesbian-identified women. Various degrees of happily-ever-after ensued but none forever. I found your post because I've been hanging out with a straight girl that's giving me all the right signals and I know full well who's heart will be broken in this equation. However, I would much prefer to have the scars of heartbreak than to never love at all. I feel at least strongly enough to take the chance. Most of us start straight as that's the default setting.

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