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JoltinJoe · Jun 27, 2007, 09:56 PM

I have a 20 year old daughter. I feel she is manipulating my life. She seems moody and arguementative at home, but when I see her with her friends, she seems really happy. A totally different person. Everything seems to be our fault, we are still held hostage for events in the past (whether they happened or not). I have tried taking to her, but she seems to twist my words and convey a different meaning to her friends. I am tired of her screaming fits, and unjustified accusations, I am tired of being called all sorts of names, and on the other hand being buttered up to pay for all her wants and needs. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but I need advice on how to handle her. Anyone have any ideas?

grammadidi · Jun 27, 2007, 11:51 PM

To me, it sounds like your daughter may be attempting (probably sub-consciously) to cut the apron strings and prepare herself for leaving home. I wonder if it's time to have a heart to heart with her in a non-threatening way about moving out. The other thing is this... NOBODY can manipulate your life unless you ALLOW it to happen!

Set boundaries and rules within reason, and back off the unimportant stuff. At 20, she should be pretty much independent by now. If you are paying the bills, she needs to abide by your rules. If she's paying her own way then treat her like a bad houseguest and tell her to shape up or ship out!

When I say set boundaries and rules, I don't mean youo should tell her what to do all the time. I mean she may NOT scream at you, she may NOT call you names, and she may NOT blame you for things from the past unless it is done in a therapist's office. You wouldn't allow a stranger to treat you that way... don't allow someone you love to!

Hope this helps,

Didi

Clough · Jun 28, 2007, 12:58 AM

Excellent advice from above!

JoeCanada76 · Jun 28, 2007, 05:02 AM

Originally Posted by JoltinJoe

I have a 20 year old daughter. I feel she is manipulating my life. She seems moody and arguementative at home, but when I see her with her friends, she seems really happy. A totally different person. Everything seems to be our fault, we are still held hostage for events in the past (whether they happened or not). I have tried taking to her, but she seems to twist my words and convey a different meaning to her friends. I am tired of her screaming fits, and unjustified accusations, I am tired of being called all sorts of names, and on the other hand being buttered up to pay for all her wants and needs. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but I need advice on how to handle her. Anyone have any ideas??

Sorry but it sounds like a normal 20 year old women. Obviously there were issues at home and obviously she is happier with her friends. Maybe there is good reason for this. It is hard to move on from hurt and pain from the past but that is her issue not yours. She needs to find her own way of dealing with things. Even though right now it might not be proper but maybe this is the only way she feels to show you that there is a problem.
I have had my own family turmoil and My wife has had hers in her family. The one thing I would say, the best move that I personally made was moving out. The tensions will eventually go away and hopefully reconcililiation is up for the future. I can tell you now though that going back to my own parents for even visits were very stressful and loud and nasty and I was better off staying away. I left home when I was 17 because the situations and environments was not good for me. Your daughter obviously has a lot of hurts and feels the need to act out. I think the best move would be a move out of the house. I think that a discussion may be necessary to see if she feels that she would be happier else where. I also need to add the point, that you try to pass off all the blame to your child but you also need to reconsize your part in this trauma as well.

Joe

oceanblue0317 · Jul 28, 2007, 01:07 PM

Sounds like we are dealing with the same thing, although my daughter went to college, partied her way out and is now on her own... it still "HURTS" very much that we are not as close, because I know what we "used" to have and no longer have... my daughter and I had many good times together, with the occasional shouting match, so don't necessarily blame yourself, they are in their own turmoil and need to come to grips with whatever they are dealing with... try to help be there for her and let her know you love her, I hope (and pray) they will come around eventually, but it is getting through this that is hard.

MsCrabtree · Aug 5, 2007, 05:21 AM

Don't let your fear of her being mad at you allow you to get disrespected. Let her go. Ask her does she want to start apartment shopping and mean it. What do you have to lose? She might actually grow up. Sheis not your friend, she is your daughter. You will not be treated like her friends. Calculate how much you spend on her a month, donate that to her rent for one year and let her go. She will be fine. Good luck