I love my wife very much and I want us to work. I've known her for 8years before we got together. We've been married for 2 years and have a baby on the way. I had a problem with loving other woman's bodies. And came clean and told her that when ever I look at Hot women I think about what it would be like to sleep with them. I had a problem with porn and did'nt stop going to porn sites till 1 month before our 1 year wedding anniversary. Since then I have'nt went to any porn sites. She is always thinking I'm going to them she is always thinking I want to sleep with other women. She is always checking my history on the computer to see where I've been and if she finds some where my son went she gets mad at me and we fight about it. She even went as far as setting me up on freindsfinder that makes me feel like she wants me to find someone else. She is always mad at me because I avoid her because I want to defuse a fight. She is always nagging me to help her and is always mad at me for not spending time with her. I don't want to spend time with her because we always end up fighting. I can't talk to other women without her thinking I want them she is way to jealous. And I wish she would stop acusing me of wanting to cheat on her. What can I do?

Well, you DID set the standard for your wife to wonder about you. I'm not surprised she isn't convinced you think only of her.

You said, "She is always nagging me to help her and is always mad at me for not spending time with her." Well, then. Guess what my advice is. Help her. If you don't know what to do to help, ask her. Do things need to be picked up around the house? Do your dirty clothes need to be put into a basket or hamper? Does the carpet need vacuuming? Do the dishes need washing or to be put away? Do towels or other laundry need to be folded and put away? What about general maintenance--the yard, the gutters, the cars? AND ask her out on a date. Make sitter arrangements if necessary for your son, if he lives with you. Take her to a movie SHE wants to see and take her out for a nice dinner. Leave love notes in places where she will find them.

In other words, court your wife like you just met her. Soon the baby will take up a lot of time, so make her feel special before all those mommy responsibilities start.

Check back with us later, and we will tell you what to do to help with the new baby and around the house to give your wife a break.

Okay, well, you are in a catch 22 aren't you. If you don't spend time with your wife - she is going to question why. And you have told her of your problem, so you are leaving her with nothing else to think.
If your son is looking at porn on the computer and it is causing a problem with you - don't allow that on your computer.
If you broke your wife's trust - YOU have to earn it back. You have to nurture this relationship. Spend time with her - make HER feel special. If you can do that - you will see results.
Oh, and walking away to "defuse" a fight - doesn't work with all women (me included). When my husband does that - it drives me crazy. It makes me feel like he doesn't even care enough to stick around and talk something out. Or doesn't want to give me the time of day. It makes me MADDER! And it sounds like that is what is happening to your wife. She wants to be heard. If you are just walking away - she is getting more upset and she will not let it go until she has her time to say her peace.
So, actually, you are making things worse for yourself. TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Spend time with her.

Parajr some things are better left unsaid. I think if he wasn't cheating he should have kept it to himself. Of course we look and wonder but our mates don't want to know about it.

If my husband said that, I'd react the same way as your wife (if not worse!)

I know he looks (hell, I do too!) but I don't want to hear him say he wonders about them sexually. Honesty is one thing, but it didn't have to be SAID to her face, and being pregnant she's probably having moments of insecurity about her body. Then hubby comes home and talks about "Hot women". Bad timing, buddy.

ALL you can do is apologize and wait. Tell her you just wanted to be honest with her but you would never act on those thoughts, you respect and love her too much to do that. A dozen roses might help. ;)

Honey, your posting here the way you did tells me that both you and your wife are at an impasse that will likely destroy your marriage if you don't do something about it. Her pregnancy makes it much more difficult for you to reason with her. Many women feel insecure about their bodies and whether they are attractive to their spouses. There isn't an easy fix to your problem, and it will take work and commitment from both of you to overcome what has occurred and for you to regain her trust. I would suggest finding a marriage counselor in your area who will teach you both how to properly communicate with each other. Here is a link that will help you get started:
The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory

Check the mirror post from the OP's wife - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...tml#post526381

Hello pitbulls:

How do you get your wife to trust you - AGAIN? You don't. Trust is something you have, until you don't, and then it's gone forever. I don't know about you, but if someone lies to me, I'm NEVER going to believe them again - NEVER.

excon

If your wife's post is correct about how you treat her and how you spend your time consumed with your own self interests, then why should she be trusting you?

Yes, why should she be trusting you when you avoid her. She shouldn't be the first one making a move here. It has to be you. You have to show her that you want her (and only her).

Holy Bat Guano! Interesting how people's stories are so different on the same situation. That is why I never fully trust what someone writes on a post. My advice stays the same. The two of you are going to remain perpetually unhappy whether you stay together or eventually divorce and find someone new, unless you both learn how to communicate with each other properly. According to your wife, you are completely ignoring and avoiding her. So, for the sake of your children, if not for yourselves, get some professional help. You are teaching your children that this kind of behavior in a marriage is normal. In case you haven't figured it out yet, it isn't.

Try waiting it out and not giving her any more reason to dis-trust you... and that way with no reason to lose trust she will gain it... worked with me:D

I can speak from experience and say this, after a woman feels she has been cheated on rather physically or mentally, it takes time to heal. It has taken me nearly 2 years to get past my husbands infidelity, we were only dating at the time it happened. To be honest at times that little jealousy bug comes out in me and I will verify things he has done as well. Your wife is also pregnant and trust me it sends your emotions soaring off the deep end. Try and love her through it, you (not meaning to point fingers) are the one that put the hurt and doubt there, so it has to be YOU that helps it to heal and go away. There is no quick fix to this as my husband gladly gave me all his passwords to his accounts and cell phone and never once said a word if he noticed I had checked on him. Now 2 years later that he has been faithful if I get too over bearing he will remind me baby if we can't live in the present since I have changed then there might not be a future if we continue to live in the past. He is right, I stayed with him I forgave him and he changed for me and time has healed the wounds. Keep your chin up, assure her of your love and let her know you loved her enough to change for her, and that unless she has SOLID proof that you are doing it again she needs to work on the healing part and it will only heal if she wants it too. God Bless you and I will put you in my prayers. I am not sure this will help you but I wanted to share the experience in case it might.

I was going to say she is just insecure and there's not much you can do. Then I got to the part about not spending time with her. Men if you don't want to be nagged and harassed by your wife then spend some time with her... it's your wife for God's sake! A little of your undivided attention every week is better than a bouquet.
My husband and I used to look up porn together and anytime we seen a hot woman in public I was almost always the first to say she's hot. So what if you look as long as you don't touch. But if you're not spending time with her and making her feel like she's the only woman you want... then heck yeah she's going to be insecure and that's your fault.

Just don't give her any reason to not trust you, and her trust will mostlikely come back. And try showing that you care with maybe a romantic day at the spa or a massage or cleaning the house.:)

YOU ARE RIGHT! All us women nag lol We nag less the more you are around us ;) very good advice!

You made the mistake of being honest. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. Any man, married or not, sees a beautiful woman and thinks about what it would be like. If they deny it, they're lying. The difference is that you don't act on those thoughts. That's all they are to you--thoughts.
You can all get on your high horses, but you're full of S.
Don't be so honest to her. She can't handle it.
All you naysayers: holier than thou speeches are hypocritical and unhelpful.

Show her trust. When she comes home have stuff done. Dinner, dishes, house work. You have already had a kid before so do the things that need to be done before that baby gets here. Sent her some flowers, tell her how wounderful she is, how great of a mom she is going to be to your baby. Do something special just for her. I hope this helps, if not sorry.

Wow sorry about the post being like 3 years too late but if its any consolation to you, I think I can help if you are still in this situation. After reading what everyone else said (on the first page, I didn't get to the second page) I just wanted to say that I'm surprised at the number of people that automatically point the finger. I understand what you all said believe me, but when someone asks for help you can't smother them in their own mistakes. As human beings we learn best when we make mistakes. Practice makes perfect and part of practice is making mistakes. Unfortunately sometimes we don't learn until its too late, and sometimes we have to go through bad situations only to learn years later how bad they really were. First of all let me say I have a somewhat similar problem. (no this is not why I disagree with the criticism). My wife does have trust issues and part of it is my fault. When I first met her I had absolutely no intentions of looking at porn or other girls. I was young and in love and would do anything to keep it alive. My wife (or at the time my girlfriend) had a history of bad events. She had been in multiple relationships where people had left her, she had been walked on by other guys and taken advantage of. More importantly growing up she was always the smarter child of two, her sister has a learning disability and her parents ALWAYS favored her sister because of her disability. Because of that she developed this insecurity. Nothing she did in her parents eyes were good enough. If she got A's and B's in school her parents would suggest she try harder to get all A's. But her sister who keep in mind has been tested and has perfectly normal brain growth despite her learning disability, would get D's and C's and they would praise her and if she got a B then she got to go out to eat or get something she really wanted. I have the same problem. Nothing I do for her is good enough. And ladies, in case your reading this believe me I cook, clean (I admit I can't do laundry) but I do fold cloths and put them away, I do have two kids and I try for the life of me to split as much work as I can. It doesn't always work out that way but my honest goal in life is to give my kids a better life than my screwed up past. And I believe I do try. But nothing is good enough. It's like she expects everything I do to just be normal and then everything beyond that is me trying. You people can speculate if you want to, but my belief is that in my situation and in yours is something that is linked to her past. Now for the good part. Sometimes people don't really understand how they are. It took me suggesting we take a break for my wife to admit and work on my anger problem. (yea I'm the most passive guy you'll meet... I won't hit a girl back even if they deserve it. Hell, for almost two years I wouldn't yell back at her when I was screamed at for *talking to a girl in my science class who we were partnered with by the teacher* until I couldn't take it anymore. No freaking joke guys she first called the girl every name in the book, me every name in the book and told me I wasn't allowed to talk to any girls and I had to tell my teacher to pair me up with a boy. And this is how it was for almost two years every time I mentioned a girls name. Honestly, its like a nightmare every time it plays in my head. I hated the way she treated me, and some of the names she called me I will never forget. Keep in mind my wife/girlfriend was and still is my first. First girlfriend, first.. you know.. first. But she had many others. It wasn't until I thought our relationship was lost that I stupidly thought I could find someone else, not to be with but to have as a friend who I could just talk to. No offense but most women are easier to talk to then guys. She thought because I was talking to girls online that I must be planning to leave her and go have sex with them and every other bad thought in the world. And yes I admit I went about it wrong. Think what you want but I just wanted guidance.. or something to hold on to. And that something was compassion. And that's when the porn incident happened. I was so convinced we were done the love from my side just stopped. And if anyone criticizes me here, I admit I deserve it. I should never have looked at porn or developed a habit of doing it. It wasn't until after I got caught, no it wasn't until about a year later that I realized how freaking stupid it was and how horrible I had made her feel. I was stupid to think the way I did. Like I had no way out, but I had to go through it to learn from it. That's why I thought I didn't love her anymore, because I thought she didn't love me, but it took years for me to learn I was wrong.) My advice to you is to talk to her but put her in some situations of yours, but not in a see I'm right/shove it in your face kind of way. I do admit you both need to work on it but regardless of what you all say when someone gets defensive for what ever reason it's hard to get them to become passive or back to a normal state in general. I would let her know how you feel in a way that makes her comfortable. Suggest to her that you want to work on your marriage (like offering to do more around the house) but you want her to understand some of your opinions. Tell her the way you feel and admit that you know you could and probably are going about it the wrong way. Tell her why you feel this way and that in order for it to work you will both have to meet in the middle. Make a commitment. You volunteer to help out more and she won't accuse you of trying to leave here or wanting another woman before she talks to you about *why you were talking to that girl*. If your wife is anything like mine then after she has the baby she will get better, but the constant defensive actions and insecure feelings will never change. I admit and I absolutely hate it but I do have fantasies about other women. No I have never admitted it to my wife, and no I would NEVER actually do anything with another women. They say guys think about sex every what? 3 seconds? Well its true and I hate it. I'll be on the verge of finishing something important and then "hey that girl looks hott...wait where was I"? I honestly wish I could just take the hormones rushing through my brain and put them on hold.. Anyway, ask her if she has now or ever looked at other men when she was in a previous relationship. Ask her why and how it made her feel. Assure her you would never do anything, but with the defensive attitude she has, it makes you feel almost as if she has given up and you feel insecure as well and you feel like she has stopped caring. Women in nature are usually kind and compassionate, unfortunately my wife is the opposite. Don't get me wrong, I still love her and she has some amazing qualities. But she does have anger and insecure issues. (I'm not saying I don't have any issues. I have plenty I need to work on and I have plenty of qualities she doesn't like about me as well.) Sometimes when we get in a fight I just want that cradle of love, I want us to be able to hug and kiss and say how deeply in love we are or *were* when we were kids. I want that kind compassion. But I know she's not that type. And honestly it does make me wish sometimes for a Minuit or two I could have someone who would just love me for me. (side track again. She does obviously love me. And it's not like she is never compassionate. But when we fight or when I feel horrible about something, or I get all worked up because I have a huge exam and I need to finish my studying in 1 day because we were so busy, she just doesn't give me any support. She expects me to do everything that I normally would when there are other more important tasks at hand. And I can't get her to understand that I realize it's a pain in the for her to have to watch the kids for a few hours, but its for the better, because good grades = a better chance of getting a good job and more money for us and the kids. OK, people usually don't look at your GPA but getting good grades is something that is important to me, and when things are important to me, if its an inconvenience to her she just doesn't care. And its not like she does it on purpose but I think its because of the way she was treated growing up. I didn't say I was perfect either, but that's where a lot of arguments reside, the not going out of her way to do something for someone else when its important part. And that's probably because I'm the complete opposite. I feel one shows love by going out of their way to do something for someone else because it's important to them) If I can offer any advice it's that if you do choose counseling, it can go either way. Sometimes admitting things like you want to bang another girl can hurt your marriage more than help it. And counseling might bring out these emotions or opinions. If all else fails, don't think, act. Your subconscious is probably right. And if you conscious says ignore her, she's in a bad mood, I don't want to get in a fight but you stop for a second to think maybe I should offer to help her or give her a kiss and some comfort. Chances are your subconscious knows what you need to do. Subconsciousness may be only my belief but in my experiences thinking too much (which is what I ALWAYS do) gets me into more trouble then when I just act on that second thought. I wish you luck.. even though I'm probably way too late with this post, don't ask me why I bothered to reply. Maybe just to get my thoughts out. Anyway, take care, and may the force be with you. *Joke*

Devin Colwell