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    laurenjd's Avatar
    laurenjd Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Jun 25, 2007, 08:44 AM
    Why won't my husband show me affection?
    My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we have a little baby.

    When we were dating, there was so much excitement and passion between us.

    Now, we argue all the time, and always about the same thing! He won't show me any affection.

    It's not like I leave him guessing what to do. I've told him OVER and OVER EXACTLY what he can do to make me feel loved and wanted by him. But for some reason he just won't do it.

    He'll be good for a couple of days and make promises to be better and make excuses about why he's been like he has. But then he always goes back to the same ways!

    He could go weeks without REALLY kissing or holding me or being intimate. He still likes to have sex every now and then, but I consider us to be still newly weds!

    I've tried everything! I'm a very sexual person, I dress up for him, give him shows, and walk around in see through lingerie. He doesn't even notice half of the things I do to get his attention!

    He says he is in love with me and attracted to me. But if that's true, why won't he show me the affection I crave for?
    ton_ty2275's Avatar
    ton_ty2275 Posts: 41, Reputation: 6
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    #2

    Jun 25, 2007, 11:41 AM
    Some people for reasons mostly related to childhood issues of lack of affection and intimacy from parental figures---simply and literally get used to going without affection from other adults. I know this because I too suffer from this lost desire for affection.

    I have noticed that I don't have any problems expressing attention, kisses, and hugs to my children. Therefore I am aware that this issue is relative to adults--as was the case when I was a child.

    Please know that if your husband suffers from this--he does more than likely truly love you. People with this issue express their love in different ways other than affection.
    People generally get the notion that affection=love, when in fact, it really does not completely define what love truly is.
    Love is certainly multi-dimensional---and can be expressed as such.

    My intention is not to undermine the overall need and desire for affection. Some people have more of a desire than others.
    You mentioned the affection was great in the initial stages of your relationship which signifies that consciously and/or subconsciously your husband is also aware of his and your needs for affection---Yet, it is tied mostly to the initial courting stage due to an overall awareness of the need relative to a "relationship" rather than the individual themselves overall.

    I would suggest going deeper and communicating the deep rooted issues that may have caused this "difference" within your husbands' personality. Seek help before this issue affects your personal self esteem as well.
    Most of all approach the issue as calmly and understanding as you can. Your husband may not be receptive to dealing with the issues right away. Just "chop at peices" here and there until you two can fully communicate this issue and seek help for this.
    Remember, we must give love in order to receive it the way we want it.
    Hope this helps.

    Sincerely, Tomy M. Hall, MS
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #3

    Jun 26, 2007, 07:14 AM
    Just pray and God will provide an answer.
    Kattalover's Avatar
    Kattalover Posts: 120, Reputation: 20
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    #4

    Jun 26, 2007, 07:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenjd
    Now, we argue all the time, and always about the same thing! He won't show me any affection.
    In my opinion, arguing about it and making demands will only result in resentment.

    I have a feeling there are underlying issues at work here and that you will need to get to the bottom of them before things will improve.

    If he used to be affectionate before but isn't now, my guess is that it is connected with the arrival of your baby (how old is he/she, BTW?). You are parents now. Maybe he feels that it is inappropriate for parents to behave like newlyweds. If he does, he's most likely not aware of it. Or maybe he is stressed in some way. Did you both want the baby? Was the pregnancy planned? How did he behave during pregnancy?
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #5

    Jun 26, 2007, 08:04 AM
    Read the Bible and believe in Jesus. What you are going through is just part of God's great plan.
    laurenjd's Avatar
    laurenjd Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    Jun 26, 2007, 09:07 AM
    I was upset about being pregnant so soon after getting married, but he was thrilled. I had a rough pregnancy, but he was excited the entire time. Our little girl is now 9 mnths old. You know, my body looks a lot different now, but he says he doesn't care. But he is very affectionate and loving with her. Now he'll tell me he loves me all the time, just won't show it!
    laurenjd's Avatar
    laurenjd Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
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    #7

    Jun 26, 2007, 09:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by NeedKarma
    Read the Bible and believe in Jesus. What you are going through is just part of God's great plan.
    Maybe you're right,or maybe you're just upset because I disagreed with you on a different topic. ;)
    ton_ty2275's Avatar
    ton_ty2275 Posts: 41, Reputation: 6
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    #8

    Jun 26, 2007, 12:02 PM
    Telling you that he loves you, may just be his way of showing you! Some men never, ever even say the words... I Love You.

    I am now sensing, that perhaps you may have trouble feeling loved unless you are also receiving constant affection. This scenario can go both ways realistically.

    Or, perhaps you don't feel loved unless you can have it your way. "Removing Self" is an important part of receiving someone's love. Perhaps's you can examine some issues within both yourself and your husband on this matter.

    Affection and/or sex is an important part of a marraige--but, I am not sure if it should be considered as the #1 priority of this sacred institution.

    Hypothetically speaking, (Not related to your scenario) But, generally speaking,

    What if for some reason a medical condition, accident or illness prevents a husband and wife from their "previous, normal and regular" affectionate and sexual activities?

    The marriage and relationship----will it survive? Well, I think that would depend on the priorities which were set within the relationship all along. The marital and family institution is sacred and involves much more intimacy than that of affection and/or sexual competencies.

    Of course---these are my personal views and/or opinions expressed. Thanks Much.

    Any Thoughts here Gang?

    Tomy D. Hall, MS
    laurenjd's Avatar
    laurenjd Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
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    #9

    Jun 26, 2007, 12:08 PM
    If there were a reason why he couldn't show me affection, I'd be fine with it. But there is no reason! I do everything I can think of to please him and make sure he's happy. Even all the small things like matching the ends of the bread on his sandwich. I am a very simple woman, don't need much, I just ask for his affection. How is that too much to ask for? I believe love is an action. You can say you'll jump off a building all you want, but it doesn't become true until you do it!
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #10

    Jun 26, 2007, 12:26 PM
    Some men have a hard time showing affection after the arrival of the baby. They tend to begin to see their wives as mothers rather than as a sexual being.

    It doesn't mean that he feels differently for you, just that you now have a new role in life. If you had a difficult pregnancy he may be afraid that you may become pregnant again.

    My husband and I have not made love in almost a year!! Yup, a year. No, there is not physical disability. Just that I started nursing school. When I am getting up to get ready for class (usually around 4 am) he is going to bed. Our schedules have changed, our priorities have been temporarily shifted. We have 4 beautiful children (2 still at home), and what extra free time we have is devoted to them. We love each other deeply, and our love has strengthened through this past year.

    You see, although the act of making love and showing affection is important in a marriage, it is not everything.

    Again, I am wondering if he sees you as a mother instead of a lover now. It happens more than you know.
    Kattalover's Avatar
    Kattalover Posts: 120, Reputation: 20
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    #11

    Jun 26, 2007, 12:35 PM
    You mentioned that your body "looks a lot different now".

    Could it be that you don't feel comfortable in your own skin and that you suspect your husband of being dishonest when he says he doesn't care about the changes (because he doesn't prove his being attracted to you by showing you the same affection as he used to)?
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #12

    Jun 26, 2007, 12:35 PM
    I have to agree with J_9, I sometimes see myself as a mother and not a lover! I know what your husband is going through, don't think it is only you who is going through this. His is on the other side, I am positive he feels bad for not being able to completely satisfy you. I feel that way too sometimes! I feel bad because I am not satisfying him, it is not as simple as you may think to just crawl in bed and say OK, here I am take me... It just isn't. It goes deeper than that. You can't push or nudge him into doing anything, I know if my husband says anything about it, I feel way further away from him than I did before he even said anything at all. Therapy would be very good for you and your husband! But GOD is good too, KARMA, knock it off. Good luck to you .
    ton_ty2275's Avatar
    ton_ty2275 Posts: 41, Reputation: 6
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    #13

    Jun 26, 2007, 01:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenjd
    If there were a reason why he couldn't show me affection, I'd be fine with it. But there is no reason! I do everything I can think of to please him and make sure he's happy. Even all the small things like matching the ends of the bread on his sandwich. I am a very simple woman, don't need much, I just ask for his affection. How is that too much to ask for? I believe love is an action. You can say you'll jump off a building all you want, but it doesn't become true until you do it!
    This is will be my last comment on this queston: You don't seem open too much exploration of the issue.

    There is a reason--a very specific one. Your responsibility is to find the reason---whether the issue lies with you or your husband.

    Your comments again are suggesting - the selfish side of your views.
    "If there were a reason why he couldn't show me affection, I'd be fine with it. But there is no reason!"

    "I do everything I can think of to please him and make sure he's happy."
    Again, it may not be about anything that you're doing or not doing---which signifies that there is another reason!

    There is a middle ground. As a couple, you must Communicate---Find the most comfortable way to talk about and bring out what the causes/underlying issues may be.

    For you to "stop" expecting affection is no better than your husband not giving it to you as a required need.
    To "stop" expecting for your needs to be met---is self-defeating--and will cause resentments within your relationship.

    Remaining open, calm, humorous and understanding will help tremendously. Perhaps, you can "act out" in some way humorously--How you feel your husband responds to affection---in order to shed some light.
    As was alluded peviously by another respondee--perhaps, your husbands' perception is different from yours, thus, his awareness is dim on the matter.

    Gradually, take a patient and mature stance on "progress" within your marital relationship. As a life long committment--you both still have the time to grow and mature together as a family.
    Not ALL of your needs will ever be met at any ONE time by your husband, yourself or anyone else for that matter. Settle this one, another issue is sure to arise. Mature, grow, and be determined to deal with the matters progressively.

    Be patient, Sweetie and please continue your efforts towards getting tips and help on resolving this issue.

    Also, I strongly suggest that you get your husband involved. Maybe even involved with this forum! Let's Work it Out ;)

    Hope this Helps, I will have no further comments on this question.
    Tomy M. Hall, MS
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #14

    Jun 26, 2007, 01:09 PM
    Lauren, you are right I have been for 11 years actually. But it has been this way since the middle of the second year... I had our first baby less than a year after we even met. I am telling you I still feel the same I have been working on it because I want him to be happy but it is a hard thing to do. (have sex when you don't feel like it)
    laurenjd's Avatar
    laurenjd Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
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    #15

    Jun 26, 2007, 01:12 PM
    Ok, so I have a new question, should I just stop expecting it? Stop pressing him, and learn to not need the affection?
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #16

    Jun 26, 2007, 01:14 PM
    Nope, you should openly and honestly talk to him but don't blame or push. EXAMPLE: I am initiating sex and my husband says something like "see that's what I am talkin about" that really pisses me off. Just let it be and let it go where it is supposed to. Don't be pushy and yes I guess you should just relax a bit on being so needy.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #17

    Jun 26, 2007, 04:20 PM
    ton_ty2275 agrees: Great Emphathetic View from the other side! Both sides of any equation is equally as important. Thanks for your thoughts.
    LOL, I am not from the "other side" I am a woman also.

    However, I know what I said not from experience, but from what my husband told me when we had a face-to-face conversation about why I felt he was not giving me attention any longer.

    He is the one that told me that he saw me now as a mother, not a lover. He was the one that told me that during my complicated pregnancy that he was afraid for it to happen again as he did not want to loose me.

    You see, men are so much more complicated than we give them credit for. Us women are "talkers" we like to talk to solve our problems. However, to a lot of men, they keep their problems to themselves. They are fixers not talkers. If they can't fix a problem on their own they don't go around to their buddies asking their opinions as us women do. They intermalize their feelings, where we ask opinions from our girlfriends.
    ton_ty2275's Avatar
    ton_ty2275 Posts: 41, Reputation: 6
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    #18

    Jun 26, 2007, 04:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9
    LOL, I am not from the "other side" I am a woman also.

    However, I know what I said not from experience, but from what my husband told me when we had a face-to-face conversation about why I felt he was not giving me attention any longer.

    He is the one that told me that he saw me now as a mother, not a lover. He was the one that told me that during my complicated pregnancy that he was afraid for it to happen again as he did not want to loose me.

    You see, men are so much more complicated than we give them credit for. Us women are "talkers" we like to talk to solve our problems. However, to a lot of men, they keep their problems to themselves. They are fixers not talkers. If they can't fix a problem on their own they don't go around to their buddies asking their opinions as us women do. They intermalize their feelings, where we ask opinions from our girlfriends.
    LOL, Please note that the term "emphathetic" not "sympathetic" actually means placing yourself in another's shoes---whether male or female... Your gender was not my point at all. Your perspective from the "other side" was.

    Now, how's that for a LOL? Really? We can clearly see how one's perception of an initial understanding can affect communication. Nevertheless, again, your thoughts are very "emphathetic" meaning you look at both if not several sides of an issue---Continue On and perfect this ability.

    Tomy M. Hall, MS
    Kattalover's Avatar
    Kattalover Posts: 120, Reputation: 20
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    #19

    Jun 26, 2007, 08:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenjd
    Ok, so I have a new question, should I just stop expecting it? Stop pressing him, and learn to not need the affection?
    You admitted that you feel uncomfortable with your body. To me, that means you are probably looking for constant reassurances from your husband that he still finds you attractive and desirable. This is the point you might want to work on, because nobody likes to be pressured for attention.

    Whatever the issue is, only you can make yourself comfortable in your own body. If you find yourself unattractive, there is nothing your husband can say or do to change your mind. When he shows you affection in the way you require, it might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, the doubts will return.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #20

    Jun 26, 2007, 08:25 PM
    Kattalover, I agree. If that is the problem, it needs to be addressed! Good luck. I hope youa re finding what you are looking for.

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