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    prettyNpink3795's Avatar
    prettyNpink3795 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 24, 2006, 07:49 PM
    My boyfriend doesn't want sex as much as me.
    This is kind of embarrassing to post, but my boyfriend doesn't want sex as much as I do. It's great when we do it, but it's a problem just getting him IN the mood. I mean, we normally have sex once every one to two days, but that's not really enough for me, and if I want to go again immediately after we finish he claims that his penis 'hurts'. I don't understand this. Is there anything he can take to stimulate his libido? Or, on the other hand, is there anything I can take to, well, curve mine? I mean, he's 21 and I'm 20-- we shouldn't be having this 'problem,' right?

    I also posted this question in the 'men's health' forum, but I can't possibly be the only woman who has had this problem, so any advice you can offer would be great. Thanks.
    BRiGRL's Avatar
    BRiGRL Posts: 23, Reputation: 2
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    #2

    Jul 24, 2006, 08:43 PM
    Well me and my boyfriend are the exact opposite... I mean he is usually in the mood more often than I am! And I do know that when we do have sex, when we are finished my bf's penis feels uncomfortable to go again right away! Maybe he feels the relationship is only about sex... thats why I slowed down with the sex with my boyfriend.. I thought all he thought about was sex and I wanted our relationship to be more than just sex you know?. I don't know if this really helped you or not.. but I hope it did a little..
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #3

    Jul 24, 2006, 10:08 PM
    I can tell you it is possible with too much friction to do some wear and tear on his member. This might happen because of insufficient lubrication, longer periods of friction when sex is longer or positions that cause more friction, or by increased frequency of sex. I dated one girl who was ready all the time and occasionally this did happen. Usually it hurts some during, but hurts like mad after... especially when some skin has actually come off. So the penis hurting thing isn't necessarily a cop out. Imagine a bad scrape on your arm, and then dragging a fingernail over it... that's kind of how it feels.

    He also might have performance issues with sex multiple times in one night. I can tell you I usually need some recovery time before I could go again. Too soon and the sensations are not as strong and sometimes its tough to sustain. Wait a while and its easier. But if he's mentally not there, it might be even harder.

    Can he get you off orally? If so, then maybe that's the thing to do. If he can get you there orally, that's one hit for you. Then you will be lubricated well and maybe the friction isn't an issue. If you can return the favor to get him in the mood, perhaps then you can work it out a second time for you. This is the route I have to go with my woman. She can almost always get off orally first, unless she's mentally just not there, and then sex after usually works for me and sometimes her again.

    If oral doesn't work, well then teach him how to please you orally. Even if you know the basic anatomy and what you are supposed to do my experience is that what stim one woman orally isn't necessarily what works for another. If oral doesn't work then you might need to self stim first maybe and then follow up with him?

    I don't think he's uninterested in sex. It just may be that he needs more time in between to get "primed". I don't think sex should be a reason to date or not date someone, but I also think its healthy for you to be thinking about this and to be open. Knowing you want sex often is something you should know about yourself and your partner.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Jul 25, 2006, 04:04 PM
    Back off and let the guy catch his breath.
    InQuizItive's Avatar
    InQuizItive Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 3, 2006, 10:13 PM
    Hey. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 20. We don't even have sex more than once per week. I'm sure this is wrong for our age and I just want it more. He doesn't seem to care. It seems like I'm always the one who initiates things, too. Have you gotten any good advice.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Nov 4, 2006, 04:38 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by InQuizItive
    Hey. I'm 20 and my bf is 20. We don't even have sex more than once per week. I'm sure this is wrong for our age and I just want it more. He doesn't seem to care. It seems like I'm always the one who initiates things, too. Have you gotten any good advice.
    Post this as a new question and it will have a better chance of being answered. This thread belongs to someone else's question.
    lily28's Avatar
    lily28 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 6, 2006, 11:38 AM
    Hi, I'm 19 and my boyfriend and I are having the same problem. We have sex once a week if that. I always initiate it, and I would like to have it more often. I tried talking to him and he claims he just has a smaller sex drive. I don't buy it, we used to have sex more often. He then told me that he sometimes has bad feelings after having sex and that having it less meant getting that feeling less. It could be that he is going through a stressful time now, and maybe sex is the last thing on his mind right now. Don't worry though, I'm sure it will change if that is the case.
    prettyNpink3795's Avatar
    prettyNpink3795 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Dec 19, 2006, 07:28 PM
    Hi, I'm back, but the sex isn't. We have sex now like 1 time every 2-3 weeks. I've learned that ignoring him or wrestling with him normally sparks his interest.
    sketcher's Avatar
    sketcher Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Dec 22, 2006, 01:55 AM
    If you don't have any moral or religious objections, I would suggest that you buy a vibrator. Relationships are based on respect. Try having a discussion and make it clear that you feel he should respect your sexual urges (and in return tell him that you respect that he may not always feel up for sex). It is a common misconception that men should feel more sexual than women. It sounds like you're having sex fairly often. If you act indifferent towards sex, you're boyfriend may be more apt to make a move on you. Some men like to take the lead. Good luck!
    Sugar_teez's Avatar
    Sugar_teez Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jan 9, 2007, 12:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by prettyNpink3795
    This is kind of embarrassing to post, but my boyfriend doesn't want sex as much as I do. It's great when we do it, but it's a problem just getting him IN the mood. I mean, we normally have sex once every one to two days, but that's not really enough for me, and if I want to go again immediately after we finish he claims that his penis 'hurts'. I don't understand this. Is there anything he can take to stimulate his libido? Or, on the other hand, is there anything I can take to, well, curve mine? I mean, he's 21 and I'm 20-- we shouldn't be having this 'problem,' right?

    I also posted this question in the 'men's health' forum, but I can't possibly be the only woman who has had this problem, so any advice you can offer would be great. Thanks.
    Honey I'm in the same boat you are only he doesn't want to give it to me at all he's 23 and I'm 21 we have been together since I was 14 and he was a virgin until he was 18 then we had sex well after the first time we had sex he just shut down he masturbates more then we have sex. I don't know what to do. He tells me it isn't me blah blah blah but I'm not sure what to think other men I slept with didn't complain and wanted more so I don't know when you find an answer let me know maybe it will help me out thanks CIAO
    allthatjazz's Avatar
    allthatjazz Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jan 9, 2007, 09:10 AM
    I think well.. its nothing to be ashamed of.. you're a woman and you wannntttt itt! If he doesn't want it then he doesn't want it.. you're a sexual human being and to be healthy.. gosh darn it ACT ON IT!. by any means nesecary!. sex is very healthy for your body and well.. its great!. don't worry about your male counterpart.. its his issue.. hell either come around.. or hell fail. Use a vibrator.. use fun toys!. your only 20 trying to curve your libido will only result in problems in the future.. flaunt what you got =D
    automansgirl's Avatar
    automansgirl Posts: 467, Reputation: 42
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    #12

    Jan 9, 2007, 10:45 AM
    I was in a long term relationship several years ago that was very similar, only worse. In the beginning we had sex probably once to twice a week... Then we got married. It became only once every three or four weeks, and by the end we were only having sex once every three to four months. I tried to talk about it as often as he would allow, but nothing changed. I didn't understand it, and he didn't have an answer for me. He also preferred to masturbate over intercourse. After I divorced him I chalked it up to neither of us being very happy, a lack of good communication on both parts (mostly his because he refused to discuss any problems), and knowing that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Stress plays a big factor in yoursex drive, work tends to affect a man's sex drive more than women (in my case), and if you don't feel connected with the person you are with, it just may not feel right. Talk to him, find out where he stands on your relation, have a conversation with him... not just about sex! Men tend to feel insecure when they know they aren't pleasing you sexually. When you constantly talk (nag) about this with them they usually shut down, it makes them feel worse about it! Boost his ego and make sure you communicate with each other!
    chemchickca's Avatar
    chemchickca Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jan 13, 2007, 11:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by automansgirl
    I was in a long term relationship several years ago that was very similar, only worse. In the beginning we had sex probably once to twice a week... Then we got married. It became only once every three or four weeks, and by the end we were only having sex once every three to four months. I tried to talk about it as often as he would allow, but nothing changed. I didn't understand it, and he didn't have an answer for me. He also preferred to masturbate over intercourse. After I divorced him I chalked it up to neither of us being very happy, a lack of good communication on both parts (mostly his because he refused to discuss any problems), and knowing that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Stress plays a big factor in yoursex drive, work tends to affect a man's sex drive more than women (in my case), and if you don't feel connected with the person you are with, it just may not feel right. Talk to him, find out where he stands on your relation, have a conversation with him... not just about sex! Men tend to feel insecure when they know they aren't pleasing you sexually. When you constantly talk (nag) about this with them they usually shut down, it makes them feel worse about it! Boost his ego and make sure you communicate with each other!

    I too am divorced with the same situation. Now with my new and current boyfriend the same thing is happening - sex once or twice every couple of months. No kissing (other than how you would kiss your grandma) and I know he is masturbating. I don't mention it anymore because I felt I was nagging him. I act very uninterested and pretend like I do not know what he is talking about when sex is hinted at. It seems to be working and he is getting more frisky by the day.

    I think because this is the second time this has happened to me I decided to look at me and the way I behave instead of pointing the finger. I have debating breaking up with him over this and this has become my last ditch effort to salvage this relationship.
    "The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you" Despair inc.
    xfallenangel666x's Avatar
    xfallenangel666x Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jan 31, 2007, 05:44 PM
    Give him some time to relax! A penis is really sensitive.. . After a man orgasm's, it HURTS to go again right away. Not all men are like the fake "porn stars" you see who can just keep at it all the time. Seriously.. . Give him a break. He's not a sex machine.
    woman37's Avatar
    woman37 Posts: 1, Reputation: 3
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    #15

    Jun 5, 2007, 05:43 PM
    I was having a similar problem and found an *excellent* book called Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life: Books: Sandra Pertot

    It really helped me out in my own relationship. I realized that my partner and I have different libido styles and all the things I was doing to try and improve our sex life was actually making things worse (wanting to talk with him about it constantly, letting him know that the frequency wasn't enough, trying to initiate on a daily basis just hoping... ).

    I came to the conclusion that even though in my ideal world I'd have sex 4-6 times a week, I could be OK with 2-3 times a week... as long as we can take our time and I can get off a lot. Then if I need more there are other things he can do for me besides intercourse.

    The thing for him is that he isn't always ready to go (aroused) and he gets embarrassed if he can't get or maintain an erection (or come within a reasonable amount of time)... so he gets a bit of performance anxiety which only makes matters worse (this is called a Stressed Libido).

    Rather than initiating all the time and making a play for his penis, I find it's a lot more effective if I just cuddle with him and sort of rub up against him a little and then wait for him to take over. If he does, great. If he doesn't, I just leave it at that, getting a real nice cuddle, or I may ask him to use his hands etc. if I'm feeling *really* into it. Sometimes by the time he gets me off that way he'll become aroused himself and all will be well but sometimes not, and I have to be cool with that... *no pouting*.

    I don't complain about the frequency anymore, I let him know how great the sex is regardless of whether he's able to stay hard the whole time or come or not. It's all good, and I think by taking the pressure off him... he feels more comfortable snuggling, and having sexual touch that may or may not lead to sex. I get the intimacy and assurance that I need, and he doesn't have to panic at having to "turn on" instantly, every time I'm in the mood.

    Think about it, it's harder for men to hide when they aren't into it... they can't *force* themselves to perform any more than we can force ourselves to orgasm. And it doesn't mean that he isn't attracted to you or that he's gay or any of the other thoughts that originally ran through my head.

    Anyway, this book was amazingly insightful and really helped me change the way I think about my partner and our sex life has improved considerably since I started following some of the advice in it. Oh yah, and if his testosterone levels are low, initiating sex in the morning helps a lot. That's when men have their highest levels and find it easiest to get aroused. We never have sex at night anymore, but the morning sex is really wonderful.

    I hope this helps, good luck!
    Amyrdi's Avatar
    Amyrdi Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jun 11, 2007, 09:57 PM
    I have the same issue with my boyfirned as you do... however his lack in sex drive may be for medical reasons. My boyfriend has a thyroide disorder. He has a low metabolism which means he has generally less energy.

    (We have sex about once a month either just before or right after my menses. We are both 20 years old and I go crazy!)

    My boyfirned takes medication for that however at time its doesn't seem to be working much. He stopped taking them for a month because he got too lazy or as he puts it, he "fortgot" and that brought his energy levels at an imbalance. I normally have to initiate it sex but even at he refuses because he's not in the mood or is too tired.

    My advice to you is that if you truly love him and that you see this reltionship going long term then you need to discuss the issues with him and take the time to figure out if this is right for you. Becareful how yo mention it and how often because men often feel attacked by such an issue especially when it occurs frequently.
    Grey Anatomy's Avatar
    Grey Anatomy Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Feb 19, 2008, 03:08 PM
    I lived with my ex-husband for many years and had the same frustrating problem. I wanted sex and he hardly ever did. This was when we were in our 20's. It was only after our breakup (for other non-related reasons) that I discovered he was gay. He was in the closet for many years and now lives with his partner in Florida.

    I did ask him about the possibility several times, but he was unwilling to admit it at that time. Unless someone is ready to come out, they won't - even if it means you are the one left wondering if something is wrong with the way you look, etc.

    If talking with him doesn't work and if he cannot or will not change, then I would suggest you consider a breakup. Life is too short and you really want to be with someone who is a good match - both emotionally, AND physically.
    TONseg12's Avatar
    TONseg12 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    May 23, 2008, 03:38 AM
    Wow!! I wish I had you girls as dates. It's been the opposite with me and my friends. We were all reading this and we were like "WOW." We've been looking for women who like sex. All my girlfriends dumped me because I wanted sex too much. There must be something to that movie "Havoc." I've never been with a mujer who is like you girls. But then again, most guys aren't "hombres" yet, or anymore. Come to a barrio; we'll do some good!
    unsure_hopeful's Avatar
    unsure_hopeful Posts: 34, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    May 25, 2008, 03:40 AM
    If your having sex once every 1-2 days then id say that was pritty good! If you still feel like you want more then I would recommend a vibrator to help you out between ;)...
    I would also surgest talking to you boyfriend about it and the possibility of getting a vibrator because some men find them offensive ("am I not good/big enough etc) and this could make the situation worse... good luck
    livingdreams08's Avatar
    livingdreams08 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    May 28, 2008, 07:24 AM
    Let's trade boyfriends. Mine always wants to have sex and I never do.

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