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    Saby2284's Avatar
    Saby2284 Posts: 39, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    May 8, 2007, 12:25 PM
    I am Tired of living this life!
    Hi I am 23 years Old Married with Three kids. My oldest Is three and I have 11months old twins. I having of thoughts and feelings about Leaving my husband and just find myself. I mean I have been Married for four Years Now and we have been dating for three years so that's 7 years almost 8 years together. I fell in love to young and got married young and had a baby young. So I had to grow up fast. But Now its not that same love when I was dating and all that.. I have to be honest with my slef and I am not happy with this life I am living. I am tired of this marriege life I want to find my slef and Discover new things and just want:confused: get out of my house and not be with my kids 24/7 I love my kids very much.. I Just feel like I am trapped!. I am Asking for your adivce Because I don't want to anything I will regret later down the road. My husband is a good man, a good father to our three kids. I just feel like just leaving this marriege and just move on but then I don't Because I am afride of being alone with three kids by myself. So I don't know what to do.. so can you please help me thanks...
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #2

    May 8, 2007, 12:37 PM
    My advice is to have a very very good talk with your husband, what you said here would be the best start ever. I say you print it out and hand it to him after all the kids get to bed and see what he has to say. You can't give up that easy, or you will be back on here saying you have a broken home and I didn't try hard enough to keep it together. Do you get what I am saying? I know you can do this, being happy is one thing, but hurting a whole family to get there is another. You can have your family and be happy at the same time. Here there are people that will give you advice on just how to do that.
    persainpapaya's Avatar
    persainpapaya Posts: 58, Reputation: 21
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    #3

    May 8, 2007, 12:45 PM
    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I am sorry that you are listening to those feelings even more. Sometimes we feel like killing the person who takes our parking spot. If we all acted on our feelings, we would be in big trouble. Part of being a grownup, is sometimes realizing that you may not feel like doing certain things, but you are responsible to do them anyway. Do not leave your husband! Do not destroy your children's lives! We all know, being Moms that sometimes you just want to be YOU. Not Mommy or his wife. We have all looked back at one time or another and felt like we tied ourselves down too early. I also married young (18). And had my first baby 19 months later. But I promise you, you will regret leaving your husband if he is a good man. Hold on to what is precious in life! Your babies have to come first now. We live in a society that often teaches "do what feels good". That is a lie. Yes, go pamper yourself for a day here or there. DO go on a "date" with your husband. Rekindle the fire. But the love you feel today really shouldn't be the same love you felt when you were dating. It should be a stronger, but more respect-built love, which doesn't always mean excitement. I often describe it as love that you have for a sibling, but with the addition of being attracted to the person as well. You are wrong if you think that life will be better on your own with the kids. It is a nightmare! Trust me, I am speaking of experience. The nightmare comes in the form of watching your children suffer without their father being in the home that they live in. My two kids, cried themselves to sleep many a night (along with me) when their dad left us. Please do the right thing for your children. ALL marriages have their boring, down times. This WILL pass, and your feelings will change. It is true that our feelings can betray us. Remember that. Talk to a counsellor. Read 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. You can do it! You will be so glad you stayed years from now. I promise. Blessings.
    Saby2284's Avatar
    Saby2284 Posts: 39, Reputation: 6
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    #4

    May 8, 2007, 12:51 PM
    Thanks For answering me back very Fast! Wow.. :D I did talkto husband about it but doesn't understand how and what I am feeling.. but ill will try a little harder on this Marriege. Thanks:)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    May 8, 2007, 12:59 PM
    You know this is a common issue at about 7 years together, even has names for it. And yes after changing babies, husband getting stuck in a rut of work and watching TV

    And I guess all of us at one time has wondered what if.

    But I would suggest marriage counseling, spouses weekends and more.
    Any relationship has to be worked at or they often grow boring.
    Saby2284's Avatar
    Saby2284 Posts: 39, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    May 8, 2007, 01:02 PM
    Thanks Fr_Chuck. Thank you For your advice.. I AM GOING TO TRY TO WORK ON THIS MARRIEGE.
    Emland's Avatar
    Emland Posts: 2,468, Reputation: 496
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    #7

    May 8, 2007, 01:11 PM
    After I got through my classes last December I decided to "reward" myself. I started taking dance lessons and that is my one hour a week I give to myself. Perhaps you can find something of interest like an art class, book club, aerobics class, that will stimulate your mind and/or body and doesn't require you to be a mommy - just for an hour a week. I bet it will help you feel less drained, give you something to look forward to and something to talk about rather than what the babies spit up, etc.

    You know you don't want to tear your family apart or you wouldn't be looking for suggestions. You can get through this. Hang in there.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    May 8, 2007, 01:35 PM
    Hi Saby, I know exactly how you feel as my wife and I went through the same thing. Sorry your husband doesn't quite get it, but You can start without him, and make your own happiness. Yes the kids take up a lot of time, but you have to make time to do the things you enjoy, and that challenge your senses and skills outside of just the wifely duties. Hubbie can give you an hour or two, here and there, to just be with the girls window shopping (we were broke) or just BS'ing for a while. The idea is getting away from the routine and charging your batteries, hot baths at night, or weekends away from home. Girl friends for coffee. Do they still have drive in movies?? As those kids get older, you would be surprised at all the time that can be made for you, and what you want. Talk to your husband, and let him know that even though he works hard, he can be with his children enough to give you a break, and you never know he may like leaving you at home, and visiting his friends who have their own kids, I sure did, and it was good clean fun that got me out of the house, and out of the routine as well. Be creative and see what you can come up with to spice up your life, and hobbies to make it interesting, if not downright exciting. By the time my kids were in High school my wife had a life without me (shucks) and was very happy, and that made my life happy, with a happy woman of the house. Keep talking to hubbie, and be nice since he does work hard, but I have learned just as we men like our fishing, and golf, our females have to be able to do what they like too. Good Luck I hope I've helped.
    Saby2284's Avatar
    Saby2284 Posts: 39, Reputation: 6
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    #9

    May 8, 2007, 02:06 PM
    Thanks Talaniman...
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #10

    May 8, 2007, 02:06 PM
    Are you a stay at home mom? Do you get to get out much?
    Saby2284's Avatar
    Saby2284 Posts: 39, Reputation: 6
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    #11

    May 8, 2007, 02:09 PM
    Yes I am a stay home mom.. and the only time I go out is when I go to school. Don't have anyone else to watch the kids when I want to spend time with my husband. So its hard when I try to get that time...
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #12

    May 8, 2007, 02:15 PM
    I know, same here. I really want you to get those kids to bed and kiss and talk to your husband tell him how wonderful he is and show him you love him. What you wrote in your first post, pretty much says a lot. Show it to him. Tell him you even went as far as wanting advice from strangers. Not that it is a bad thing, but when I told my husband that I was getting on here for certain issues, he ask why I didn't talk to him about it and it started a great new discussion. Good luck.
    gypsy456's Avatar
    gypsy456 Posts: 319, Reputation: 48
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    #13

    May 8, 2007, 03:52 PM
    I understand...

    It is young to have three children at the age of 23.
    It is young to be married at your age.
    It is young to be in a relationship of 7 years together...

    At that age lots of people are still single, finishing a study or discovering who they are.
    You are married with children.

    Having said that... it's your choice.
    And it makes sense that it is getting too much... of course it does.
    It would be too much for anybody...
    Being with children 24/7 is a lot.
    Being married for so long can get... well, how do I put it... a little boring, no more butterflies in the tummy, no roses and dates, no dressing up, going out... and so on and so forth...

    On the other hand..
    You have a family, you have children and you have a family.
    How do you think your life would be like as a single mum ?
    That would be much harder...

    After being in a relationship for so many years one has to look for new ways to keep it fresh... When your husband does not understand it, try marriage counseling... sometimes a third person can shine an unexpected light on a situation, who knows.

    When you are a stay home mum I can imagine that it will get too much...
    Maybe there are mothers in your neighbourhood you can hook up with, start a bookclub or do something that can get you in touch with other mothers.
    There are f.I. loads of stay-home mums on Meetup.com (I think it's called like that) and they do a lot of things together...

    Hang in there... and if you feel lonely just write on this forum.
    There are some wonderful people out there who will always have a word of wisdom or something that make you smile...

    Take care.
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #14

    May 8, 2007, 04:27 PM
    At this point, you really need to make time for yourself. I know, easier said than done. Join a gym that has a child care facility in it. So you don't have to worry about getting a baby sitter. Just make time for yourself. If you are feeling trapped, you need some alone time to clear your head. Once you have done that and are getting prospective - you might see things differently. Then you and your husband can reconnect.
    If you choose exercise - you will feel so much better - it is a good stress reliever. I did kick boxing. If I was having a bad day - I took it out on the bag.
    Good Luck!
    underappreciated's Avatar
    underappreciated Posts: 3, Reputation: -3
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    #15

    May 9, 2007, 01:23 PM
    You and I have a lot in common, I am 21 married for four years and I don't want to be married anymore. My husband does things and says things to me to where he made me hate him as well as hate myself. I am done with it over. I am 21. I am wasting my life. If you don't want it now. You will not want it later. If you stay, you will regret it later. I always tell my husband, "If I don't leave now, I will leave later" because once you have asked that question that is it. There is odviously a reason why and you aren't happy. You and I only have 100 years if even that to live. How do you want it? Happy or not happy? All that matters is that you are their for your children. One day, they will understand. And believe me, they would rather you happy then miserable.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #16

    May 9, 2007, 01:52 PM
    Sabby2284, you don't sound like someone who just wants to give up. So don't. You are doing a great job and believe me with you opening up about this to your husband, you are on the way to feel much better about your situation. I am really glad to hear other people in the same position as me, it makes me feel like it is going to pass, so to speak... Bring on the good times!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    May 9, 2007, 05:15 PM
    Underappreciated, it sounds like you and sabby have different reasons for being unhappy, and yours has abuse written in it. I don't hear that in hers.
    shatteredsoul's Avatar
    shatteredsoul Posts: 423, Reputation: 130
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    #18

    May 10, 2007, 07:50 AM
    I can tell that you are in need of feeling desired, excited and worthy. Unfortunately, you don't always feel that way at home with your kids. They will make you feel loved and worthwhile, but not the way your heart is aching for. You are young, beautiful, and full of life. You need to share that with others. This doesn't mean to go have an affair, but just to get out and feel noticed by others. When you give more time to yourself and start allowing others to make you feel good, you will feel like giving more to your husband. It is difficult being so overloaded with responsibilities that you can't just enjoy each other like in the beginning. Maybe a night away would help a little. YOu need some time with friends too. It is o.k. to feel what you are feeling. You are human. You can't always be everything for everyone else. I think that being a young mom is so hard sometimes. I know, I had mine young too. I stayed home for so long too. Now I am working again and being around other adults is good sometimes. I even get attention from guys, nothing bad, just enough to make me realize I still got it. We need that. That energy is what you are craving and it will help to make you happier at home. You don't have to do anything wrong, just allow yourself to be open to the energy of others. It will revitalize you and give you strength. That is what the human experience is for, to feel loved and connected to others and ourselves. I believe you are on a journey of self discovery and as your children get bigger you will begin to see yourself as capable of achieving so much. Being a mother is the most difficult job of all, but it is a beautiful gift. Anything in life worth doing or being is difficult. Embrace the challenges, allow yourself to feel your emotions, and try to fulfill your life and embrace the gifts within you that were meant to share with others. I think you will come out of this and be stronger from it.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #19

    May 10, 2007, 10:33 AM
    You've gotten some great advice here.

    One thing that didn't necessarily get pointed out, though... if you feel like running away from your life, and it's a persistant feeling... GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR! This is one of the big warning signs of depression. It may just be frustration or being in a rut, but if you're feeling that way persistantly and have for some time, it may be depression, and that's treatable!

    I am not in the medical field... I have just gone through my own depression, and it was when I wanted to just chuck my life and start over somewhere else that I realized that it was a big problem, and went to my doctor. I am not saying that you've got the same thing, I'm just saying that it's an option you may want to look into.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #20

    May 15, 2007, 06:48 AM
    Hi, raising 3 kids is very difficult. I know I am a mother of an 13 ,15 and 17 yr old I had my first child at 26 and my last at 30, my oldest child at the age of 4 came down with a rare disease and that made it twice as hard. I never went any where with out my children until my baby went to kindergarten. I know you have twins and that makes it very diffucult on you, But honey you will get through this. I believe it is natural to feel this way. Your hubby is out and gone and you are stcuk at home. Believe me when your kids are almost grown... you will sit back (when you have time and you will remember things that they said or did that will be priceless that only you... no one else in this world got to see or hear.) You have the most important job in the world , take care of yourself eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, and you know the exercise part is not a problem... most of all find humor through your children. And remember romance is over rated at leats the story book kind. True romance is the feelings of mutual resepct, being devoted, and knowing that your partner is there for you and you for him. Good luck

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