I have three children and one of which has ADHD. All my children are struggling in school and are always needing my help with homework.

I finished my Associates in Science degree in Dec 06 at a local community college with a 3.87 gpa. I am currently a premed major and plan to either go to medical school or go for a master's degree in biology, after I achieve my BS degree. The university I will transfer to in the fall 07 is one hour from my home, one way! I will have classes from 8am to 5:30pm on most days. I am the first in my family to go to college and complete a degree. I am the only one in my family that plans to pursue past an Associates degree. I believe that education in important and I want to instill the importance into my children also. I want to set an example for them. No one ever mentioned college when I was growing up, so I didn't think about education after high school until I started thinking about my own children's future.

I took this semester off school to get my house in order. My children were as big a mess as my house! Grades were falling, personal hygiene wasn't important, and their behavior was very disrespectful, so I made the choice to stay home for one semester. We moved into our home this past summer and we still had boxes full, I needed to take care of my home and children. Now I have college friends and professors calling me to make sure I am planning to attend school in the Fall, which I do. But should I?

Here is my issue... Should I pursue my education or stay home with my children?

I am only looking for opinions or personal experiences.

My husband makes good money, so we can afford for me to stay home. There isn't a hurry for me to work, if I want. Actually, my husband wants me to stay home and not work or attend school... we have had many fights over me going to school.

My children don't like the idea of me going to school so far away and not being able to take them to and from school. I have always been able to arrange my schedule to match theirs until now. My children's grades are now improving, but it is with constant nagging from me for them to study.

I have finally got into a routine at home and am somewhat happy with it. It took me awhile to adapt, but it is nice having some freedom during the day. I want an education! But should I wait?

Am I neglecting my children and possibly hindering their academic future by chasing my own?
Am I sheltering my children too much by staying home and monitoring their every movement?

I must also add that, if I go on to college my children will have to return to public school, because we can't afford both tuitions. The public school system horrible and not by academics! My children attended public school here for 3 weeks before I took them out! My 5th grade girl had to sit between two boys talking about how they were going to rape one of the girls in class. My 4th grade girl was bullied everyday and petrified to go to school. My 2nd grader was shoved in the road by another student. And when I met with the principle to discuss the matter... She met me with cut off jean shorts and a tshirt... She rolled her eyes and told me that my kids were lying. She didn't care and wouldn't listen!! Should I send my children back to a school like this?

What would you do?

PLUS... I can't attend on a part time basis, because there is a time limit between when you take certain classes and when you attend masters programs. It is an all or nothing deal.

I am no expert in any of this, but I feel you should pursue your education and hire a tutor/caretaker for the kids for after school. Put an add a local paper. Offer whatever you and your husband feel is fair, and have a tutor work with your kids everyday right after school until you get home. (Make sure the person is patient and able to handle children with ADD.) Then when you get home, the work is done and you and the kids can have some fun together. (Of course you'll want to check over their accomplishments and gush in front of them!) It may not be ideal, but you could give it a shot and allow the kids a chance to adjust to it. If it doesn't work out you can always stay home then.

Thank you, vlee! Tutor, good idea.

I think going to school is great. It is important to show your children that there is more than one solution to a problem, and that education is a serious goal. Maybe sometimes you could all do your homework together! You could help your kids study for a test, and they could help you use flashcards to study for yours. You aren't going to be a "bad" parent for wanting to continue your education. If anything, I think it shows sheer determination, and I can see from your post that it is important to you, but I can also see it is not more important than your kids. Let us know how it goes.

Education is very important... not only that but you are setting and example for your children. I am a mother also, and I am also a full time student. It is hard not seeing my son everyday.. all day but I know in the end that it is going to work out. You have to follow your dream.. becuase if you don't you are going to resent the people that stopped you from accomplishing your dream. Hold your head up high. You are doing a great job as a parent.. and I can tell that you love your children very much. I think that the sitter/tutor is an excellent idea.

Couldn't you try it for one semester? If the tutor idea works, and everyone (the children, your husband, and you) are pleased then I say continue. If any one of the three are not pleased with how things are turing out, maybe you need to work out something different.

I think it is wonderful that you are going to college. I wish I could. I am the mother of 1 and I stay at home with her. She doesn't have any special needs or anything like that. I can see why you are questioning what to do. I guess I would just have to say they are only little once. They will be gone before you know it. And you don't get a "do - over".
If you have seen an improvement since you started staying home - could they backslide once you go back to school? And judging from what you have said about the public school - I would not send them back their. A tutor would be great if you are going to go back yourself.
If you can make both work - then great.
Good Luck

Oh boy, here I go again. If you can afford it then I don't see why you shouldn't finish your education after they go to school. They are your first priority and they are already struggling. I am here afrter school, the kids get their stuff done, including chores and homework. I don't work them to death but I try to instill a little responsibility. Education is very important, yes, but so are your kids. I agree with your husband, take care of yourself after you have taken care of the priorities. Not meaning you won't ever get a break or get a day of pampering, I mean real life stuff. YOUR CHILDREN. This is my opinion and I have said it many times, parents need to be parents. I would bet those kids are in love with you and you being there makes this very hard world look a little better to them. You sound like a great mom. It is a hard job, I know. Just going to the bathroom by myself seems like a struggle some days. They will love you for being there, and they will learn great things from you and not some dimwit trying to teach them their views. Good luck!

Thank you all for some encouraging words!

I talked to my husband about the tutor/ after school care idea, he didn't like it? Like I said before, he doesn't like the idea of me continuing my education. He says it cost too much and I should just be here or they are "big" enough to stay by themselves for a few hours. I don't agree with the staying alone too much. I think children should not come home to an empty house! Even though he stayed home alone some as a child, it was in the 70's and 80's... this world is a lot more ugly then it was then.

I really think your decision is in your gut. You probably know what that is. You sound like a wonderful mom, and he sounds like a great dad!

May I ask what are the ages of your children? Are they in elementary school? Junior high? Is it money that concerns your husband? Is it the kids? Or is it that you won't "need" him if you earn more? Lots of things in the mix, and I'd bet it's a combo of all of them. Keep talking it out, and if it is important to you, make sure he is aware. It won't work out either way if you don't support one another. Are you able to take any on-line courses? Or go to school part-time? Maybe you tow could find a way to compromise. Another question, does your husband help with the kids? Sounds like you've been running like a wild woman to go to school and be home for them... does he help you out?

My husband is not the children's biological dad, but he has adopted them and has been a constant in their lives for 6 yrs. He does not have any bio children himself, so he can be a little childish himself with the children... don't tell him I said that... lol! He does try sometimes, but it pretty much ends up be handling everything! The children will not follow him and he comes to me whining that they aren't listening... I get stuck in the middle of a childish he said, she said. It is easier for me to handle it!

My husband is also terrified of being broke. I really don't know why, because his parents were always well off finacially. He doesn't want to spend money on child care, because he feels it isn't necessary. He wants me just to stay here and handle it all.

My husband also fears that I will find some handsome young guy and run away with him! Pure male ego there! Lol

My children are in 2nd through 5th grade.

I have thought about online, but there is nothing for biology majors. Part-time is difficult too, because most classes have labs that last for 4 or 5 hours. Which defeats the purpose, because they run after or before school hours. I did think about changing my major, but I truly enjoy and understand science!

I am in a pickle, huh? Lol

No, but you are in need of a little more support. Do you have relatives nearby who could help with the kids a few days a week? I think you and your husband need to have a serious adult discussion... he adopted your children, and I imagine he loves them very much, but a big part of being a parent is presenting a united front at all times. So there should never be any situation that arise between himself and the kids that requires your mediation. And it is very unfair for him to ask you not to pursue your dream until he feels financially secure enough. That day may never come. The money you could earn post degree would surely be beneficial to your family.

I don't mean to be rude or hurtful, but it sounds to me like your husband is quite insecure. He isn't able to extract himself from situations with the kids and make adult decisions and he has fears of you abandoning him. Could your inevitable financial independence be threatening to him? Sure, if he thinks you are looking to "upgrade" somehow. Long, long conversations are in order here, and if you don't feel you can get him engaged and really listening to you, ask him to go to counseling with you. Marriage counseling isn't just a last ditch effort for failing marriages. In fact, it works a lot better if you try it out before anyone feels the resentment that not communicating well can cause. It's another avenue to consider.

WOW, vlee, you made some good points! Are you sure your not a counselor yourself? You hit the nail on the head about the above statement about my husband. He is insecure! We have talked some more and he seems to be a lot better about the idea of me going to school, but he doesn't want to invest too much in it. My fear is that he will behave like he did when I originally started college 3 yrs ago. If he knew I had a test the next day, he would start a fight with me to keep me from studying. I know IMMATURE! I managed to Ace almost all my classes with studying replaced with fighting! BUT I don't know if I could manage at a University with him behaving like this?
**I did stop telling him about my test too! It helped. Lol

It is funny you mentioned family nearby, because we just moved away from the family and I want to go back! So as of now, no family to help! I do have 8 siblings and some will help, but now it is just too far to drive.

Thank you whiteladybug. I appreciate your kindness. I am not a counselor... but I think I have a knack for being able to understand plenty about other people's situations... if only I could translate it into my own life! Actually, I intend to return to school for social services or a medical profession once my youngest attends school. I just find people far more fascinating than anything else on earth.

I think your husband is more afraid that your success will mean he has failed to make you feel secure. Men often have the mentality that they expected to be the "providers" for their families. It can be difficult for a husband to accept the wife is able to earn a substantial or higher amount of money, especially if he has been the breadwinner in the past. That isn't rational, but it is normal. Your husband probably needs reassurance that this venture isn't just for you, that it will benefit your entire family. Let him know you aren't doing this so you can be better than him, you are doing this so you feel like you are pulling your own weight, and so your children can depend on both of you financially. Make sure you let him know he is loved and adored, but make it clear this is important for your family and for your own self esteem. After all, everyone feels more comfortable when they can hold an educated discussion about something, no matter what it is. Tell him you need his support and understanding. And Girl, Go Get What Is Yours For The Taking! It isn't wrong to want to improve your life or lifestyle, so ask him to have some faith in you. I believe you can do it.

Thank you, vlee, for your ideas and input. I will be using some of your ideas with my husband!

But I think I might be having second thoughts about attending school now? I think I should wait maybe a year, to make sure all is well at home? I don't know if I have let my hubby get to my head or if I just want to? I know I am needed!

Remember Ladybug-

Do what makes you happy. If you don't it could affect all the other aspects of your life.

With the exception of the public school your kids have to go to, I think you should go to school. You've spent so much time on everyone else, it's time for you. It's only for a few years, and think of the benefits for your kids when you're done! Your family needs to stop being do selfish and support you. Take out an equity loan or something to help pay for the private school if it's that bad... but don't feel guilty. Your kids are old enough to start helping out by making their own lunches, cleaning up after themselves, etc. to make things easier for you. I've worked my butt off to get through school- it took me a little longer than most because I had two children, but now they are proud of me and I can afford to buy them clothes! DO it! Seize the Day! GOod luck!

I honestly feel that your children and husband are not being selfish. You only have a few years to be there for them. Why not wait? I think you would be glad you did. School will always be there, your children won't. I wouldn't miss being here after school for anything. At the same time, I can't wait to get started in the work force when they are grown. That is a very, very easy time to get into trouble. Whether it be bad choice of friends, sex, drugs, or just plain getting into stuff that they shouldn't. Even with the best of rules, kids don't always follow them, and they don't always tell you if they did or not. This is just my opinion though! Good luck with your decision. Didn't you say you took a semester off to fix things. What do you think is going to happen when you go back to school? Probably the same thing. Enjoy being there while you can, that is what I think. I am not saying that you aren't important. (just to make that clear to everyone) There are things you can do to make yourself happy and feel adequate and still be with the kids until they leave for their own lives.

At the end of the day it isn't going to matter what any of us thinks... it has to be your decision. Every person is different and has different needs and desires. Some families function better with both parents actively working or pursuing education. Others don't. Not everyone is content to stay home with their kids, and not everyone is happy being apart from them if they don't have to be. I hope you and your husband work it out together, whatever you decide to do.