I've had many moments where I wanted to end my life but kept myself away from hurting myself. It's funny though, because I am still hurting emotionally to the point where nothing else could hurt more than within me. I am broken...
I know if anything, no matter how sorry I am, apologies won't bring me back. I think about everything every single day. I try not to overthink but my brain does it for me. I'm sick of going to bed crying to waking up upset because I know how my day would be like. I know other kids have it worse but just like some of them I feel alone, ugly, worthless, hopeless... and just dead inside. :(
I'm sorry for not going into detail... I'm just wishing someone could give me a hug so I could say everything :(

there's really nothing to be worring about something.
you might need an advance from a friend to help you to have a real
value life (being free) maybe a holiday might help you to get things straight. I hope this works.
good luck.

{Online hug}

It sounds as if you have a little too much time available for worry. Hobbies, Physical fitness regimens, Music, or Faith based activities would allow you to think less about the pain you feel. The possibility exists that the pain will lessen simply by being ignored.

>cyber hug<

Many of us feel the same way you do from time to time. It's a normal reaction to a bad patch we are going through when everything just doesn't workout right in many areas of our lives. It can be very overwhelming and plain depressing.

Believe it or not even during these times if we look hard enough we see the small rays of hope that tells us this shall pass and it will be better later. We just have to cope until then. Emotional pain fades when we do good things for ourselves, and be good to ourselves and others.

Now tell us what has you in such emotional pain.

I understand that as the daughter one of my obligations is to help my younger siblings and parents, but I've done basically done everything for them. One of them is 3 and the other one is 5, so I've started doing things for my parents five years ago. I've showered them, fed them, washed their bottles, sleep with them, do their laundry... all that and more up to this day. I've gotten sick and tired of being the mother figure she's not being... I love her and all but with me doing this every day of my life it makes me not want to have kids. It's stressful and hurtful when they don't see how much I try to do my best as a daughter and sister. I clean every day as well. I learned at a young age. I do everything from rooms, to the living toom and from there to the bathroom. It doesn't seem like a lot but it really is. It's always messy and it frustrates me so much because I take my time to clean. I hate knowing that once again my effort means barely anything to either one of them. I say this because my dad tells me I'm a piece of and can't do anything right. I mentioned a lot of things regarding to my life a while back but long story cut short: I'm traumatized from when I was younger. My life has never been so great.. I've always felt unappreciated and I just don't even know. I got sexually assaulted a while back and there's nothing that would make me happy than to know the case is closed. I often fear death. I feel like it's almost time to go. I feel like there's a bigger chance of me getting murdered than me hurting myself. I've gotten threatened and all before when that happened. It scares me so much. Death is something I can't run away from but is the major fear I have. If you are still reading, thanks and sorry if I am not making sense. But as I was saying I've had and keep going through so many obstacles that it's hard for me to think well. I have a bad memory and some might not believe me but what could I gain from it? Nothing... I'm just losing education and people including my boyfriend. I've been wanting to tell him about my problem but how? I don't know how to say what's going because I don't even know what is. I only know that I can't remember most things and that's bad because I'm only 15. There's so many things I still haven't covered but I don't think I can continue any longer :(

My cousin shania has the same problem!!

Do you ever have free time for yourself, activities, hobbies, friends?

I used to play soccer for my school but now since my older sister has to work I have to come home, clean and take care of my sisters and do my homework. In other words, I can't do any more sports. It's upsetting because I had barely started and had already gotten moved up with the varsity team. In my free time I don't do anything to be honest. I stay home. My parents are strict and the only person who I really hangout with is my boyfriend but things with him aren't going so well either and I'm just sad. I want to be happy. :/

Kind of hard to feel very happy when things are in a rut, especially your romance life. Its important to have things you enjoy to look forward too. That goes for young and old. Easy to be overwhelmed and just need a break from all the negative stress. Surprised you don't have a few girl friends, most your age do. None of this will last, but it's a big challenge so far, no doubt to find the small pleasures that get you through your rut.

I suspect a few small changes in habits and routine are in order. And a cool thing to do on the weekend. You sound very busy with no help but see how big sis made it and take a few tips from her. She is at home isn't she? May not seem like it now but storms pass and the sun does shine again. Keep your chin up.

I feel very depressed and I haven't been able to get any better. I feel like sleeping and not waking up most of the time. I'm losing myself little by little and I'm just hoping this will all go away soon. Thank you and everyone else for your guys' kind and encouraging words.

What's the deal with your boyfriend?

That's what I'd like to know but he won't exactly say. He did tell me though that he used to show me affection and whatnot because he wanted me to be his girlfriend, so I asked him if he now doesn't want me but he's being vague. He says he loves me back when I say I love you to him but I really don't understand why he's like this to me. It's as if I don't really have him. He just says that's how he really is. He doesn't even talk to me unless I speak to him.

Thanks for replying. How long have you been going with him and how often to you go out? Its not that unusual for some to change after they have gotten their goal. Sadly they don't show the same level of interest they showed during the chase. He has reverted to his true nature. Not as nice or attractive either.

We've been together for over a year, and not as often now. He doesn't have a car so he has to ask his dad if he could lend his car to him but since we don't love live in the same town, he says his dad is stingy about the gas money. If that's the case I would give him money but I've asked many times and he won't take it. I'm the one who always finds someone to take me over there.. last time I had to ask over 42 people for a ride. Luckily, I'm going to be able to get my license in a few months and I'll be able to use my dad's car for now. But really, even with what you just said, if he really loves me then he would try his best to make it work with me, don't you think? :/

R3 I just want you to see that at your age and in your situation you have many confusing things going on, in many areas of your life. You and this fellow have no control over making this young romance work, as you have no control over your family situation. But I thinks it's unhealthy to go to such lengths as you have with a guy who does NOT even do the small things any longer that he can control.

I don't think that's very fair for you. I just think working hard without an equal partner doing the same is never a good idea at any age. I think you are seeing that for yourself, and seeing you don't really "have" him as you want, yet you let him "have" you as he wants. You seem to NEED him, more than he needs YOU.

That's not fair, nor is it love, given your other issues, that you wrote about. Lots of frustration for one so young.

Then what should I do? I have gotten attached to him more than I could have expected. I'm trying to stay with him but he's not giving me too many options. :(

Sadly you may have to cut him loose, or better yet express your dissatisfaction, and risk getting dumped, but the conflict between you will get worse if you do nothing, or keep trying while he does not.

Break ups suck even worse than what causes them sometimes, and just adds to everything else you are going through. There are no easy solutions. Just decisions. Only you can decide if he is worth the aggravation and frustration. Or is it worth the risk of TALKING about it. What do you think?

I have talked to him about it but nothing seems to make him realize that I'm being serious about the things I tell him. He just tells me that he's a ty person. I told him after he said that, that he doesn't do anything to better himself and that I'm hurting because of that. I've done a lot for him and just like he wants a future with me I do to too. That's why I've been holding on for so long. Because the wait will be worth it at the end. :/

Your age escapes me, but betting like all young people in love, you think fighting for love is what you should do, and love lasts forever. Read my signature. Even adults find out different.

Yes, you're right but that's why I have been committed. To make our goals true. I know we can make it, he just needs to try but doesn't as much as he should. What would you say to him if you were in my position?