This will be a bit long, so I apologize ahead of time. I had read these forums (though never posted) after my divorce many years back and they gave me great strength.

I met a wonderful woman a few months ago. We met through an online dating site. It took nearly a month of every-day correspondence for us to arrange for a first date. I wanted to meet sooner, but I was patient and willing to partake in our exchanges because I liked the person that was on the other side of messages.

We met for a coffee and I was taken by her from the very beginning. It was a nine-hour long first date. Everything was going well for a while. We really got along and had great time regardless of what our dates looked like. She appeared to be confident and self-assured, resilient, patient, well-spoken, reserved, passionate, complex and seductively mysterious.

Two month into our meetings I introduced her to my best friends in town. A married couple, whom I respect an adore. They are both my colleagues and I had known and trusted them for a long while. They had us over for a dinner and some wine. The evening went well until she pulled her hand out of mine late in the evening and no longer returned my reach. When we got to my place afterwards I was faced with a berating accusation that I was more interested in my female colleague then her. I felt a hammer to come down onto my entire being. I am divorced (amicably) and have dated a few women afterwards, but have never faced anything like this before. We had a conversation that made me more upset then secure about how things were going. To make it short, I was left with an impression that I had put out myself as someone who was more interested in a woman who is a dear friend (nothing more) then in the woman whom I was with, was very interested in and adored as I haven't anyone in a long while. I had assured her, that I want no one but her, and that even though I share a few professional connections with two of my ex-partners, besides work related communication there is nothing else that bonds us together. In addition, I was always with her; I cooked, cared, spend time only with her outside of my teaching.

We made up. We went on to have a few weeks of what seemed a good relationship, but it has never been the same from that evening. We fought more and more. I became a subject to jealous accusations more and more. Things that I have opened up (upon her requests, I wanted to be as transparent as I could be) about my past have been turned into missiles in our arguments against my character and my probable fidelity to her. Needless to say, I have not done or considered anything that would have in my mind jeopardized her trust in my commitment to her. I was slowly slipping into confusion and consequently a depression. To make things shorter, it finally culminated in me announcing that I can no longer feel a subject to her constant suspicions. I felt immobilized and defeated and had no power to help the situation. Eventually even my students (I teach) have become a threat. I broke it off. I felt terrible and lost, because it was a great relationship, but the insecurities launched in my direction had exposed my worst self. We were fighting every week; conflicts spurred from nothing. Character assassination was a common occurrence in my direction; I was losing my confidence.

We had reconciled and broken up a few more times afterwards, but the relationship had lost its solidity. A great foundation that seemed to be so apparent at first was in ruins.

It has been a couple of months since we had parted, and she had contacted me to have a conversation; we immediately gotten back together for a great day of riding trains, walking the city and, of course sharing the bed. I have to admit it was way to quick and way to soon, but I was very reserved about restarting the relationship and asked her for patience and taking it slow. The day after she came to my house to confront me about my reservations. She was insistent on how she had grown and dealt with her insecurities over the time that we had been apart. I left to work with her staying at my house alone. It was a few moments later that I started to get bombarded with text-messages accusing me of secretly longing for my ex-girl-friends. She gained access to my home computer and was reading my email, which was nothing more then work-related exchange. She left my house before I got back and later called me to apologize for running away because she felt terrible about prying and snooping; but I was so distraught that I told her it was more then I can handle and I broke it off again. I was very upset. She begged for another chance and said that she felt desperate and unsure of our relationship and that had motivated her actions.

She had a difficult childhood. I am aware of it. I feel like me leaving her is just reassuring her insecurities, and if I liked this woman as much as I describe, I should give her another chance and be patient.

Now, a few weeks past, and I feel that I want her back. I am in my early thirties, I am interested in settling down and I don't have any family around. It has always been difficult for me to meet women that I like and I obsess over whether her insecurities were my own fault and I did not give her enough assurance to make her feel stable. Should I try contacting her again; can this overblown jealousy and insecurity issue be dealt with. I still have very deep feelings for her obviously and am tempted to offer her working through things together.

Thanks for reading.

It is O.K. for a woman to have jealous twinges because that means she genuinely cares. However, The over-bearing jealousy and lack of trust (because you have given her no reason to distrust her) is unfair to you. If you feel that strongly about her (possible love?) then it is worth giving another shot. However, you need to lay it on the line for her. You have never given her a reason to distrust you so until you do she needs to find a way to get past her insecurities if she really wants to try and make it work. Otherwise move on. Being tolerant of a bad childhood is one thing but letting her maul your character is something far different!

*Coming from a woman that has been in same situation reversed*

You have stated your situation very well, and I have to wonder why you would want to take yet another stab at the relationship, which has always revolved around jealousy and insecurity.

A jealous insecure person does not lose those characteristics or traits, simply because they justify them, or apologize for them.

It is more likely than not, that previous relationships that she's had, have resulted in failures, for the same reasons the relationship has failed with you, over and over again..

In my opinion, people who are jealous, are generally fearful. Fearful of losing a relationship. With that in mind, controlling a person by manipulating their feelings, and having them feel responsible for the behavior shown to them, keeps control. As the controlling person, more and more control usually follows, along with more accusations, in order to maintain the balance in their favour.

You have said that disclosing your past in an honest way, so that there was transparency, resulted in your very words being used against you, because that is what controlling people do. Suddenly, you are responsible for their behavior.

It only gets worse with time. There is little you can do with a person like her, because there isn't likely just one cause to it. You mentioned she had a bad childhood. That does not justify it. If she recognizes that fact of her life as being causal to not being able to establish a healthy relationship, she should have addressed it with a professional.

My advice to you is to let this one go. Whatever her problems are, they are affecting your life in a very negative, destructive way. She is even jealous of your students! You cannot ever hope to satisfy her need to control you.

You met her you will meet others, so why bother with more drama? Welcome to the dating world, where getting too attached, and too hopeful, too fast can be disaster.

I get you have fun and like the girl, but don't ignore the red flags, and conflicts, as this is but a preview of things to come. Rough past or not, it how we are now, so keep looking for a good partner you can work with, and build with. The only thing you build with this one is one thing after another that will bring you down.

That's a steep price to pay for company, or a roll in the sack. You want better, so go get better.

Thank you all very much for your time and your answers.