I am 41yrs old and have nerver been able to accept that my mother hates me.I know this because she has straight up told me even told me when I was a baby she would wish I would die.I believe its because of my dad who I really have no ideal who that is.she makes up lies about me she calls me all kinds of ugly names I sometimes just want to die because of the hurt she causes me.

Why do you keep having contact with her?

You're 41 now. There is no law that says your mother has to love you. Clearly she doesn't. She sounds mean, selfish and spiteful.

Cut all contact with her. You don't need that sort of toxicity in your life. Yes, it's sad that she hates you, and it's understandable that this has an effect on you, but you don't have to be around her.

You have the choice now. You can't change her awful attitude, but you can change your response to it. If she hates you so much, get out of her life. Your life will be much, much better for it. Make a vow never to contact her again and stick to it.

Don't allow anyone that is toxic to be in your life - even if it is your mother!

Hmm. I am a forty-eight year old male. I was adopted at the age of five and needed a mother's love badly. My birth mother abandoned my birth sister and I when I was 18 months old. The story is that I fed my eight month old sister and myself on dried macaroni for three days until the police broke down the door and put us in separate foster homes.

My adopted mother and I were never able to get along. She physically abused me until I was sixteen. She has emotionally abused me my entire life. Of the two forms of abuse the emotional abuse has been by far the most difficult to deal with. This abuse has colored my entire life. It is not something I have been able to just 'get over'.

I have had years and years of counseling and have had periods of stability; however, there is an essential area of foundation that is missing from my life. I have found it hard to find faith, love and trust. These are concepts that flow from the love and support given to a child when very young.

I was put in prison at the age of twenty-four for raping a young woman whom I didn't even know. I received years of counseling in prison and struggled with my guilt, anger and sense of alienation. At times I felt as though my personality would just dissovle.

I married at the age of forty-two to a wonderful loving woman. We promptly had a beautiful son. Caring for and loving my son has awakened me to how twisted my mother's treatment of me was. I had not really understood until I had a son what it meant to love a child. This awoke me to the fact that my mother treated me as though she hated me. I know what it is to love a child, and I am able to compare how I act in love to the way my mother acted. This new awareness has devastated me.

My mother has continued to to hate me and has transferred this attiitude to my wife and son. Because of this, and my new understanding, I have recently cut all contact with my mother after 42 years of trying everything I know to become acceptable to her. This action has alienated me from the entire rest of my family. My mother has always been expert at playing the martyr and has garnered the sympathy of the relatives, with the possible exception of my biological sister who was adopted with me into the same family. I am struggling now with a sense of alienation and rejection and a profound feeling of loss.

Having said all of this I would like to respond to Gemini54. I am sure your advice is heart-felt however; a mother's love is something that people will go to great lengths to obtain. Even when that love is toxic. People need a foundation, and this stone is a keystone. If your mother doesn't love you then the quesiton becomes are you lovable. It is like no one else can answer that question except your mother. It is axiomatic. So, I can understand why Amber keeps seeking contact with her mother. She needs a foundation. Sadly, her keystone like mine is fatally flawed.

Amber, I will say to you that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry that life has dealt you this card. Rest in the love of those that do love you. Honor yourself for your commitment to your mother in spite of her abuse. But realize that it is likely that this commitment flows from your need of a foundation. I suspect that you will have to seek another foundation. I hope that you will realize that you are lovable. I wish I could tell you that you are and have you believe it. But I know that doubt will remain. It does for me too...

My mother didn't love me. She couldn't. She was a schizophrenic and her illness was her life. It took me a long time to really know deep down that there is nothing wrong with me, just with her.

I'm sharing this because you will probably think well if your mum was so ill she couldn't love you that's OK. The point is when anyone's mother is unable to love them there is something wrong with the mum. Not the child.

My mum used to abuse me physically and mentally and tell me she hated me. I learned to realise it was the illness not the person. Try to think on similar lines. Maybe your mum didn't have the same problem as mine but she has problems of some kind. She is somehow damaged if she cannot love and it is the 'damage' talking.

Lack of parental love does leave a hole there's no doubt. You have to realise that faulty parents are never going to be able to fill it. (My dad is an alcoholic and no better at loving his kids either btw).

So you have to work out what you can fill the hole with yourself.

For me it's the following:

Strength. I had to learn to be strong but now it's an assett.

Compassion. I have a lot of time for people since I know about pain. I have felt it myself and witnessed it in my flawed parents.

Independence. My parents taught me literally nothing about life so I have become resourceful at finding things out and trying them for myself.

Appreciation. My wonderful husband, children and friends are genuinelly cherished. There isn't a day goes by that I aren't thankful to have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and people that care for me. At least I'm not likely to get depressed just because I can't have a new car or a posh house or something.

So try to accept that your mother cannot give you what she should be able to and look at what life has given you instead. If it helps think of what the universe, or God, or whatever your belief system fits with, has given you as the ultimate 'parent'.

Try saying to yourself, "My mother CANNOT love me, My husband/friend/cat loves me, the Universe/God loves me, I love me." Until you believe it.

Your 41 years old and an adult. Live your life according to what you have learned from your mom. Meaning, do the opposite of what she has done. Be a better person and never have contact with her again. She sounds like she has mental issues and that is a possibility. So if I were you lose all contact and move on. Start your own life and live for today. Try to move past the past. Seek counseling if you must but if you continue to worry and think about the way you were treated by your mother you will never ever live your own life.

First thing, you are not alone. Some women are simply not "mommy material". My mother has said the most hurtful things about and to me that I still can't believe that she actually gave birth to to me. She has no problem telling the most despicable lies about me if she gets into a jam and wants to wiggle her way out of it and wants to drum up sympathy from her "victim". The things she has done to me are beyond awful. When I started working and left my baby daughter with her she would steal pampers and give them to my sister who has 4 kids and no job. When I noticed I said nothing and started leaving only a couple pampers but she would still take the ones I left and leave my daughter in the one she had on until I came home 8 or nine hours later my daughter would be filthy and wet and her vagina red and smelly from the hours in her own urine, I broke down and cried when I realized what she had done. My daughter is 7 now and has never received a birthday or christmas gift from that woman and she taught my daughter to call me a local slang that means ugly fat woman. One of my mother's friends is my daughter's god mother (at my mother's insistence of course) she has a lot of money so my mother insisted. On my daughter's 1st birthday the woman gave my daughter very expensive designer children's outfits 5 to be exact. When my mother saw the outfits she said to me why would Merlyn give Mya such expensive things? She could have given her the money instead. I coouldn't believe she said that to my face. That was the last time Mya got anything from her God mother. I don't know what was said to her and I never asked. The list of lies, manipulations and decitefulness is endless the woman is sick and capable of anything. I stopped having any feelings for her many, many years ago. She is the Devil incarnate.

Hi I have the same problem, its hard I no my mother lives next door to me. I have two daughters of my own. I'm affected by her lack of love as well. My mother ought her husband having sex with me when I was nine years old. Before then she was a drunk, now she is an animal hoarder, she is so crazy, she took my youngest daughter from me during a bad time in my life, and convinced the world she had custody of her, I thought my daughter just wanted to be with her so I let her stay. Really bad move on my part. My 18yr old daughter was so mentally abused by her. I finally got her to come home to me after 10yrs. I just don't no why she cannot love me she treats my oldest sister the same way. She steals from us and I Evan heard a recording my daughter made while over her house a few weeks ago. It made my heart fall in my stomach to here the coldness and hatred in her voice as she talked about me like I was a piece of trash, just poor scum. I cannot understand why. A mother is suppose to be there for you not kick you when your down thank god I had my older sister here for me, but I do understand seeking love from a bad mommy.

I realize you have 20 DUI's. Is this why your daughter was living with your mother - or this a separate issue?

How is your relationship with your children?

My father died when I was 18 yrs. Old. My mother and I have had a "rough" relationship since I was 19. She kicked me out of our home, stating "I can't afford to feed you" - 4 or 5 months after my father died. I had wanted to go to college back then, she told me "you can't go to college, it will take money away from your brother and me!" (So I didn't attend college back then). Well, after all these years (I'm 54 now) - she told me today, as I was talking to her (once again) about our relationship. (I wish we were close like she & my siblings are) - she informed me: "As my daughter I love you, but I can't stand your personality and I never have!" I've always been under the impression that someone's "personality is the person." It's a horrible feeling to know that your parent "can't stand you" because of something your born with. It's very hard for me, I have very bad health and I've always, only wanted to be loved (just like my siblings) by my Mom... :)

Its hard to say what dynamics are really going on but if you're a first born (of the siblings) and your female that may explain a lot. There may be deep seeded issues your not even aware of. And also may never be explained so you must learn to accept it.

I am so sorry you feel that way. For years I was in the same boat as you all my mother did not love me she hated me. I tried to please her to no avail. Then I met a colleague who had done the landmark forum and she introduced me to the concept of living in the possibility. It was a scary concept but one of our homworks was to have a conversation with the people that have hurt us. It was really tough but I did it and it came down to this. We expect our parents to protect us and look after us but they are not matuer enough. They made huge mistakes some of them should even be jailed for the stufft they have done to their children. The reality is that they are all as screwed up in their heads as we might become if we do not become aware of it fast. Now remember when she had you she had her own baggage and most probably she was an immature person. I cannt say forgive and forget it is very hard but accept that you mother does not know any other way of loving and most probably she will never learn either, either try to teach her a good way of loveing or accept her. Remember only the things that we do not accept hurts the most.

I know the hurt you speak about Amber because my mother is the same way with me, or at least she was until I cut all ties with her 16 years ago. (I am 48 now). Even now she is trying to poison other members of the family against me with lies. I won't pretend that it doesn't anger me even now, because it does, but it disturbs me more that she has such venom in her being that she needs to express towards another person. I have come to believe that my mother has mental health issues and whilst that does not cause me to forgive her for the present or past hurts she has caused me, it does at least allow me to distance myself from some of the self-blame I used to carry around with me. Your mother probably isn't 100% mentally either. Perhaps at a subconscious level, it's themselves they hate and unable to cope with these feelings, they direct them onto an easy target i.e. us. It wasn't easy to walk away from my mother all those years ago, but it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I found that mentally and psychologically, I improved 100% by not having my mother's toxicity in my life and I am sure you would too. It isn't healthy to be around a mother like ours. Be kind and loving to YOURSELF, Amber, and walk away. If your mother cannot be loving, caring and supportive to you, she isn't a mother at all, except biologically. Invest your love and affection elsewhere where it will be appreciated. Good luck xx Michelle

I am a 14-year-old English boy living in India. My name is J. You see, although you are 40 years old and I am only in my teenage years and you must be vastly more emotionally mature than I am, I feel that the emotional stress of your own mother hating you is one that can alter your feelings generally towards life itself in the long run. I feel that it is wonderful to let out your feelings somehow, in your own special way, so as to not let the emotional stress coop up inside you and alter your life. Just have fun with friends and other members of your family, and don't let her interfere with your life.
I know it's sad, but your life is more important. Love others, they'll love you. If she doesn't love you, you shouldn't love her.
Enjoy your life, dear.

It is foolish and possibly dangerous to post your full name AND age AND location on a public website.

"Dear"?

I don't feel so bad and I am not saying it's a good thing either, but my mom and I have had issues since I can remember. I was born 7 years after my brother and sister, my parents moved from no cal to so cal. I think she was lonely and I was born. I shouldn't have been they already had a boy and girl. We used to fight like if she was some girl I meet in school, I never understood it until I realized I had no relationship with my father either... my mom's excuse was he wasn't at the hospital when I as born. Great. It wasn't until I had a stillborn at 7 months did things change... slightly. I think that was mostly guilt. When I had my son she was a true ***** she wasn't close to my son until I was pregnant with my second son then she made all the time in the world for the oldest. But it didn't matter our arguments have been vicious. Sometimes she talks to me like I just meet her. I want to believe it is how her mom brought her up. Her and her mom weren't close, but it made no sense because my mom is close to her sister.Whatever I guess at 41 I had to learn to say F it! Live my life and it is most difficult because without knowning I am always looking for that mother figure.

My mother simply doesn't love me at all.Its cold anger and hate every day.One day when I was 11 my mom was giving my 6 year old sister a haircut at home(the sister was turning seven 4 days after this)and I told my mom in private it looks a little short and she slapped me on the back 5 times and told me to and I quote "GET OUT BEFORE.I.KILL.YOU."and I ran to my bedroom crying.I locked the door but then had to go to the bathroom and the only one was on the other side of the house.I was walking by and I heard my mother tell my sister."Shh Shh dont worry your older sister just hates you.Shes awful".My mother just hates me.She treats me like this because of her grandmother treated her like this when she was younger.I don't want to turn out like my mother when she's older.As she turned out like her mother.I always wonder if my great grandmother was like that too and her mother before that and her mother before that.If that's true I also wonder what had turned them bitter enough to treat their daughters like this and what makes the daughter do to their children what their mother did to her.

I thought it was just me. My mother hates me and despite my efforts, refuses to make any contact with me. My problem is that she is very old now and I feel a great sense of guilt that I should be looking out for her and taking care of her welfare, but every time I go see her she acts as though she wants me gone and it brings me down. I'm so lucky to have friends and a partner who love me and make me feel worthy but the lack of a family base really leaves me feeling incomplete a lot of the time. :( It's been helpful reading others' posts though and knowing I'm not alone in this strange dilemma.

Sometimes children who are neglected, abused, disliked simply have to walk away.

Many of us have.

My Mother has made my life a misery since I was very young it has always been about her.
She would tell me that she should have left me with my Father who she split up with when I was 6 weeks,she would call me names,physically abuse me.#
She would constantly slap my face,throw things at me,she even threw a fork which stuck in my neck,luckily it only broke the skin,she would call me a nutcase
And I had a scar on my brain since I was born caused by lack of oxygen cause I had a difficult birth,and I was not right in the head.
The only thing that's the matter with my head,is the trauma,anxiety and pain she caused me with the lack of love and share she showed me.

I remember my first day at school and I was so shy and found it hard to speak to others.
My gran and papa were the only ones who showed real love toward me and I tried to stay with them as often as possible.
My friend who was 5 fell of a coal cellar when we were out playing,she died 2 days later,I remember being upset and confused why I couldent see her again my mother just said,'she is away to heaven and that was that.
Not much understanding or comfort.
There's not a day that doesant go by I don't think about my little pal,it's a trauma I cannot forget still cry I always think how her poor family are and what a terrible thing they went through,losing their little girl.

I finally left the house when I was 17,moved in to a b&b,then my friends house,I fleeted back in forth as sometimes I had knowhere to stay,but every time she made it clear I wasen,t wanted,I ended up moving in a ymca,where I turned to drugs such as cannibis and lsd, and drink,never heroin,although there was people there taking it.
I still went to visit my mother trying to get a glimpse of hope or care from her but every time she would pick an argument and tell me not to come back.
I finally got a flat and moved in with my then boyfriend,I gave up the drugs and tried to sort my life out.
I'm now 46 and the relationship with my mother has always been the mostly the same,she tries to act nice in front of other family members but when we are alone she is nasty or gives me abuse on the phone.
I have now cut of all ties,I've been with my now partner for 19 years and when she met him,she put me down and bad mouthed me,we have to children 15 and 8 and she does not care.
I don't know what I've done to deserve such unkindness and hate that she projects toward me,I dident know my father and never met him.
I have felt lonely and depressed for years,but now keep going for the sake of my kids.
I remember years ago when we won a trip to disneyland paris and we asked to borrow her video camera and she wouldent lend us it,she has put me down all my life,lied and manipulated every situation.
I feel now I just hate her,she is a horrible woman,all she has is a bit of money which she uses to bait other family members with.
The most thing that counts is my family I love my kids with all my heart,I put my hurt in to poems and songs,stories and media letters,its an outlet that helps me
After reading these stories its upsetting to see so many people going through so much sadness too,but we all live to tell another day and although all we have went through we can rise above it all and know we are the better person and we have family that do love and care,hugs and god bless X

Well, what you accept is not your mothers behavior. It's unacceptable, do stop trying to convince yourself that it's st all acceptable. Actively reject it by keeping her out of your life.

What you do need to learn to accept is that you got bad luck in the mother department, and got a mother who is do damaged and limited in her capacity, she can't do the job. It can help to seek out mentors, or perhaps and older, caring female friend who you can talk to. In other words, meet the need on a less conventional way.