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    martinemcdonald's Avatar
    martinemcdonald Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 14, 2011, 06:53 AM
    My daughter hates me, please help me someone!
    My 30 year old daughter has been so mean and hateful to me, and I keep trying to fix it.

    I divorced her Dad when she was a senior in high school for reasons I will not go into here. Our marriage lasted 21 years. Last ditch effort was to threaten to leave him, and that blew up in my face. He was a doctor, and a nurse in his office saw her chance and got in there and even paid for my moving expenses. I was devistated, but I made the threat, I had to go. He married this woman as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers. My daughter chose to stay with him. She went to college and graduated. She then decided her and her boyfriend wanted to move to the state where I was. I made the arrangement, and my new husband flew to her state, helped them load a truck and dove them to where I live. Two months after that she stopped speaking to me. 2 years went by with me trying to figure out what happened. She cheated on her boyfriend with a loser, he got her pregnant, and left her in debt. She moved back to her home state, got an abortion. (Total abortions =5) One morning at 5:30 am she turned up on my doorstep. I took in in. She only had the clothes on her back. I let her live her, bought her clothes, She got her old job back. Afte a few months she wanted her own apartment. She found one, and I paid for the security deposit, furnished it down to the silverware. A year went by and the area she lived in became dangerous and someone was murdered in her complex. I wanted her to have a safe place to live. We looked for a house for her to buy in a safe neighborhood. Found a foreclosure, I put the down payment down, bought her appliences, furniture, fixed the sewer system etc. Lots of money. Everything was fine until she met an ex homless addict. He moved in. I was supportive, even bought the engagement ring. NOW, she has excluded me from everything to do for her wedding, after I sold my $12,000. Engagement ring for her deposit at the venue she choose. Her fiancé wrote me several e mails about what a worthess piece of crap I was and he didn't want anything to do with me, and she is right behind me. And the kicker is, she has her step mom and his step mon all involved in the wedding, but expects me to pay the rest of the bill. What was to be the happiest time in my life is very, very sad.No planning, no picking out the dress with her, nothing. My sister says I should go to the wedding, my new husband says if I go I will be humiliated by her, the finial punishment for me leaving her dad.
    Help please... sould I go? Should I just go on with my life and realize I have been used?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Jan 14, 2011, 07:37 AM

    You have given too much of yourself, and this is what happened. I think you should have stopped after she had that fifth abortion and let her get back on her feet herself. You owe her nothing now and I agree with your new husband, if you go to the wedding she will take that as a sign of weakness and this will be the final humiliation for you and she will probably take good advantage, and pleasure in doing it.

    No more money of yours should go her way. What you should do for the time being is cut all ties, no contact, let her stew (and she will for sure) for a while and you will have to be strong to accomplish what you want; initiate tough love and just do it and good luck my dear.

    Tick
    martinemcdonald's Avatar
    martinemcdonald Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jan 14, 2011, 07:50 AM
    Thank you very much. What I fear will happen is this ex homeless jerk will divorce her after a year, and demand half of her home.

    I will back away, and it will be hard not to be there when she falls again, but I will cut the ties. That was only the highlights, as you can imagine there were many. Many more hurtful incidences.

    Thank you again
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #4

    Jan 14, 2011, 07:56 AM

    I don't know if you can initiate some safety net for her behind the lines so to speak, of course, unbeknownst to her; if she knew, it would defeat the whole purpose of 'no contact-tough love' issue. I know you love her unconditionally; we are moms to the end and it is unfortunate she is such a pill.

    Stick to your resolve, martine, you will come out on top but it may take a while for her to come around... but... just make sure that when she comes around it is not to cry on your shoulder should something happen with this marriage. There will be many pitfalls I am sure.

    Tick
    martinemcdonald's Avatar
    martinemcdonald Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 14, 2011, 08:04 AM
    Comment on tickle's post
    Yes, he (the fiance) has already severed ties with the 30 year old daughter and my 28 year old daughter. They were very close, now they hate each other. So I guess anyone is fair game.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #6

    Jan 14, 2011, 08:10 AM

    Yes, he sounds like trouble. Keep your wits about you.

    Tick
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #7

    Jan 14, 2011, 12:53 PM

    Sometimes you have to stop enabling and cut a child free.

    You seem to know why she is "mean and hateful." She blames you for the divorce. Once you stop taking the blame and take a stand she can either come to the realization that divorce takes two people and it's a long time ago OR she can continue to attempt to punish you.

    I'm a little confused that you threatened to leave your first husband and, because of the threat, had to go. Lots of people threaten lots of things but don't follow through. Is there more to this story, more that still has your daughter upset?

    The difference is that you won't be there to hear her abuse.
    martinemcdonald's Avatar
    martinemcdonald Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jan 14, 2011, 01:13 PM
    Comment on JudyKayTee's post
    The threat came after many other tries at a lot of thing including therapy.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #9

    Jan 14, 2011, 01:24 PM

    Well, then it sounds like your daughter needed to blame someone... and picked you. I have five stepchildren. One of my stepdaughters was convinced that her father's divorce from her mother was his fault. She then turned that into it was my fault - I met him 12 years AFTER he divorced her mother. We tried our darnest for a very long time to make her understand, to reassure her, to help her when she had a problem, to make her understand. Finally I had enough. My late husband wrote her a letter and said he had done the best he could do, he was sorry she felt the way she obviously felt, he was finished explaining things... and she was no longer welcome in our home unless and until she could act in a way which didn't disrupt OUR lives.

    The letter was met with dead silence. About two years later she called, they reconciled.

    Once he stopped trying she started trying.

    What is done is done and no one can rewrite the past. Whatever her problems are your daughter is responsible for them. She's an adult. She made bad decisions.

    It's not your fault. Keep telling yourself that. Believe it.
    betty0917's Avatar
    betty0917 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Feb 18, 2011, 10:05 PM
    I can relate with you. I left my husband after 11 years, I had 6 and 2 year old daughters, because we he was a continual drug user. I use to smoke pot with him and then he got me hooked on crack. After going completely going into debt, it was a wake up call for me and I went clean. We lived with his parents, who were great people, he just could give it up. Through all this my feelings for him changed, I knew when he was crying and begging me to stay and it was not bothering me, I knew it was time to go. I didn't have any means of daycare because his parents were the only people that had watched them. I left them with their dad and grandparents. I regretted it so much, but I did not want to uproot them until I had some way to provide daycare for them. I got them every other day and every other weekend and was completely involved with there activities, like cheering and dancing. They decided they both wanted to live with me when they were 7 and 12. Now that they are all grown up, The oldest is 24 married with a child, when she gets mad at me she tells me I left her and that I am a whore and a no good mother.

    As for what you should do, I believe that you should go to the wedding, because if you don't then she will have more stuff to throw in your face. If things get bad, then just leave.
    martinemcdonald's Avatar
    martinemcdonald Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 19, 2011, 07:33 AM
    Judy:

    I threatened to leave because I thought it would snap him into reality. Didn't work. He had someone (his new wife) egging him to let me leave. I do not know why she is angey other than what I said. More has happened, I was once again used, and I now quit. I am not going to the wedding. Afte all of what she put me through, I still threw a weeding shower for her. I spent a lot of money that I didn't have (husband out of work) and she was very mean to me. Three days before the shower she e mailed me and said, "I can't wait for this shower to be over...you ruined it for me..if the invitations were not out, I would cancel it" The shower went on. I came into the room, not knowing anyone there (all her friends from work) and you could hear a pin drop. They all stared at me like I was a monster, no one spoke to me, and I was pretty much excluded from the party. The worst part was when she was opening her gifts. She never mentioned the gift we had given her. Cont

    Home. But she did go on and on about the two place settings her step mom gave her, and even brought them to my home to show. So I am done. The show was just a brief preview of what would happen at the wedding. All I have to say is God have mercy on her soul. Thanks for the advice!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    Feb 19, 2011, 07:59 AM

    YIKES! Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop trying, pray for her, wait for her to grow up.

    I'm so sorry you went through this - I felt pain just reading it!
    momdone's Avatar
    momdone Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Sep 26, 2011, 06:07 PM
    Put a lien on the property for the money you put down ($12,000)and any other money you can prove. If she tries to sell the house, you get your money back and if she divorces he can't get half unless that is paid. Also, if something makes you cry over and over it's toxic.

    Time to clean up that toxic and let it go. I find that it's has been the healthiest way for me to deal with my own daughter who has treated me badly over the years.

    Quit feeling guilty over her bad behavior. You aren't responsible for it and to be honest you keep bailing her out allows her to continue to treat you badly.

    Treat yourself better by letting her go and be responsible for herself and her toxic ways. It doesn't mean you don't love her it just means you love yourself.
    granny567's Avatar
    granny567 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Feb 9, 2012, 06:15 AM
    I understand how you are feeling, and I cannot give you any idea as to how to behave towards her.I have a daughter who hates me too. Iwas not invited to her weddind, nor her daughters wedding. My grandson of 25 died and I was not invited ti his funeral. I understand how you are feeling and how hurt you are.I can only say trust in God that he may change your daughter and mine
    Good luck and God bless you
    hurtmom777's Avatar
    hurtmom777 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Sep 21, 2012, 04:07 PM
    The boyfriend/fiance is isolating her from her family and friends. She seems codependant, but you shouldn't have to flip the bill for it, especially when she's so ungrateful. Some kids would be standing in line for o a mom that just loved them not to mention who supported them too. You're a good mom, but draw the line in the sand and be good to yourself and demand the respect you deserve.

    Lately, my 19 year old has been treating me like dirt, she lives with me, but is so hurtful and disrespectful. Just nitpicks looking for battles to argue over, and accusses me of not being there for her. Im still here, but Im so tired of the insults and degrades, from my clothes to my makeup, you would think she were a jealous girlfriend, really, its weird, but everything I say or do gets criticized. Im not sure if its because she's overwieght? I tell her she pretty compliment her, and am nice to her. My health has been bad, and she undermines it too, tells me Im mooching off my boyfriend because I can't work at the moment. But I have worked very hard gone to college, became a beautician, musician, it just breaks my heart. I don't know what to do, but I don't like it when Im only a good guy when she wants something from me. Hang in there your not alone,
    cattaluna's Avatar
    cattaluna Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jun 18, 2013, 09:13 AM
    Sounds like she could have borderline personality disorder. Tough love doesn't work with that disorder. Try reading "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing & Change" by Valerie Porr. I just purchased it because of my daughter recently disowning me and her exhibition of some really bizarre behavior and hatred for me out of nowhere.

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