I am so confused & upset lately! I have a crush on my husband's best friend & his friend told me he liked me too because somehow we talked about it. My husband has no clue about any of this. His friend and I have been text messaging each other for the past week & discussing it. We both know that it is wrong & feel horrible but it is hard to control your feelings for someone. My husband is not a bad guy to me or anything but we have our problems. Actually our biggest argument is how his friends come over our house way too much. The friend I am crushing on comes over the most because he is single & I know he is lonely. All I can think about is him... we aren't texting anymore because he just stopped. I think he knew it was getting too far. I thought it was too but really enjoyed talking with him. Now he is being really weird about it & I have no one to talk to at all about this situation. I can't tell my husband because that would destroy him. They are real close & I just couldn't say anything. I feel like a horrible person to have these kind of thoughts about him but can't help it. I feel so upset that he is ignoring me pretty much now until he comes over this weekend probably. I know we can't be together & I love my husband I am just so confused why I am feeling this way & don't want to feel like it anymore. It feels like my heart is broken!!

You need to NOT act on this. Period.

Yes, it's hard to help your feelings, but you should NOT act on them. I'm betting that once you step back from your actions, the feelings won't be there anymore. Part of what you're feeling is the rush from the forbidden, and part of it is the rush when someone "wants" you.

My advice is to pretend that the last week of texting with his friend never even happened, and move on from there.

My dear Confused, There is absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings your having. It is so natural, and is what we humans are about, we all have those feelings, and its nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever, whether married or single, or just dating. When we act on those feelings is when the trouble starts, as now we start crossing the lines that separate good behavior, from bad behaviour. Maybe we cannot control those thoughts or feelings but we can control our actions, if we are normal healthy humans. So no matter what you feel remember your boundaries and while your having fun don't cross the lines.

You are married, which means you have made a commitment. You may find hundreds of men that you are attracted to for many, many reasons. However, you chose to marry your husband. As long as he isn't violent with you then you need to honour that commitment. Your husband's "friend" had no business discussing this with you, because as a friend he doesn't hit on his best friend's wife.

A reality check is definitely in order. Take that unspent energy and pour it into making your marriage what you want it to be. Do not text your husband's so called friend and avoid being there when he is there. When you can't, keep it light and love that husband of yours all the more. You are an adult. You can control your impulses.

Love, Didi

You need to stop any text message, you need to stop any contact with them about this what so ever

Thank you all for your advice so far... it is really making me realize that it is just not right & I don't want to be that type of person at all! I want to improve my marriage with my husband but I do know that his friend is going to be around a lot. It won't be easy for me to get over this but I will eventually.

You've been advised to stop texting, stay away, and NOT carry this any further. Here is my only concern, what happens if your hubby's pal tells him? He may want to clear his mind, or they may be fighting about something one day and out it pops... I think you have to weigh the odds of either of those two things happening. You may want to come clean yourself. Can you live with the possibility of him finding out from his friend instead of from you? And what if his buddy told someone else? I know others may disagree, but since it never went beyond flirting, I think I'd come clean. Secrets have a way of escaping, and even if they don't, they still hurt the marriage. Are you really into this guy? Or is it just the intrigue of flirting with someone you don't already know everything about? Did you do it because it made you feel like someone noticed you, thought you were attractive? If so, ask your husband to meet you somewhere. Pretend to be strangers who have just met. Or get all dolled up in your favorite dress and go out on the town together. No matter what, you must examine why you flirted with his friend, and those reasons could give you an idea of what you feel may be lacking in your marriage. Then talk to your husband about it.

I do expect the friend to open up his mouth, as you state Vlee. I am just not sure about the timing of when, where, and how. The men are really good friends, the guy is always around the house. The worry is that he may claim that she came onto him. Not sure when she needs to broach this subject. If she and her husband are having problems, which is seems they are, hubby might explode at her if they haven't had a chance to heal their problems.

Confused, the friend knows it went too far. He did the right thing. You know it went too far. I am glad you see that you need to stop obsessing about the guy, but you need to start fixating on your husband.

One way to start reconnecting with your husband would be to have a set night of the week as "date night." Whatever night you both choose, it should be time alone. It can be something as simple as going for coffee and ice cream, if you can't afford to go out to a meal together once a week. Think of the interests you have in common and arrange to do those things together. Communication is necessary. No movies. You need to have "talk time." Dress up as vlee suggests. Whatever you want to do. Pretend you are on a date. But, make this about reconnecting with each other and creating "the best friend" scenario between the two of you. You both need to be each other's best friend. Do not allow him to make that his guy friend. You don't make it your girlfriend. It is fine for each of you to have your best friends outside of your marriage, but you both need to make each other your first and foremost priority.

Hopefully, the friend will keep his mouth shut for a while. After a month or two, when you and your husband have reconnected, on one of your date nights, you might want to say something to him about it. It is important that if this gets leaked to your husband, that you are the first one to do it. He will be angry and upset. But it will be at whoever did not tell him first. Let it be his friend and not you.

Cheating is one thing, but disrespect is another. Most cheaters have rules, and that is a direct violation of everyone's number one rule. You don't cheat with the people that your spouse knows, it is worse that it is his best friend. Follow everyone's lead and drop it dead. That type of disrespect causes violence. Your husband's best friend will not leak this to anyone because if he is a true friend he would be ashamed to tell anyone. This is one that you should take to the grave.

I hear what you are saying Parajr. It is so hard to advise on this because we don't know the people. I would like to think that the guy friend will keep his mouth shut. Then, I do agree she should take this to her grave. But, when guys get to hanging out and drinking, they do dumb things. He may tell someone else, he may tell the husband. She really has put herself into a bit of a fix here. And, not knowing the guys and her, it really is hard to advise as to what course she needs to follow regarding telling him.

I still think they need to reconnect and work on their relationship. Just in case the s___ hits the fan, he needs to know that she is committed to him. It would be better to see the friendship go out the window than the marriage.

Boy if texting gets this complicated, what if they had went for coffee a few times?? Even though someone had the good sense to stop this thing before it progressed, the threat of exposure I think is poetic justice to making a bad decision. This will weigh on their minds of both for a long time and that's where it should stay for now, on their conscience.

Falling for somebody is one thing... what you do with those feelings is a different ballgame...

Just be aware that you and the pal may not be the only ones who know what was going on. I'd rather my husband heard it from me than a third party. At the end of the day, it's your call.

Thinking your husband friend is attractive is one thing having a crush on him may mean you've lost that high you use (I assume) to get from your spouse.
I think the reason your husbands friend stopped contacting you is because he realized that he needed to respect you as a married women and your husband as his friend. The fact that you even momentarily entertained this shows you have little respect for your husband or yourself as married women (or women period). I wish women would stop signing up to be some other mans concubine. Here are a few questions: Do you think your confusing the high you get from getting that attention of an attractive man with a crush? If you husband does the same thing with, lets say a female relative of yours. If he said he couldn’t control his feeling, would that sit well you? You say one of your problems is that his friends come over too much. Maybe subconsciously this is your way getting back at your husband. He will not invite anymore friends over if you have a fling with them. If there is something lacking in your marriage maybe this is the wake up call you needed. If you really love your husband and want to work on your marriage, then you will heart to heart with him (NOT about this thing). Just tell him how you think the marriage is going. If not you will always be looking for that someone else to make you feel wanted and desired.

I am in the same situation my husbands best friend is in the marines and he's home right now and I have always had feeling for him and I want to be with him but I love my husband too and I don't want to hurt him.I think that its something everybody goes through but the real question is you have to ask yourself do you really love your husband as much as you did when you married him?

If you are thinking of destroying the sanctity of your marriage for a simple crush, maybe you don't really love your husband. Even if you and that guy got together and it was great, he would soon be gone, then you would have neither him or your husband.

You are stupid you should focus on your husband ok .

Weird, and if I were your husband I would beat the sin out of my boy for doing some shady mess like that and sit your tail on the curb side. Hmm, I hope u did not act and if you are lonely.. buy a dog.

Don't be stupid. You say you love your husband, so be a loving wife. Temptation is not a fluke - it is part of life and you are supposed to resist it. This is called good moral character.

The bottom line is you do need to reconnect with your husband, you won't be able to do that however until you forget about his best friend and remind yourself who you married. I am married to a beautiful woman, she has attractive friends, I would never engage in personal conversation with them, that would be very disrespectful to my wife. It is one thing to look at someone and say "they are attractive" it is another to look at them and say "hubba bubba....I want them".
Mike