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kil4hockey · Aug 30, 2012, 07:25 AM

My son is in the Army in Ft. Benning GA. He left 2 months ago. I recently found out that his girlfriend cheated on him. I confronted both of the parties because the guy she cheated with is one of my sons close close friends. They confirmed that it did happen and that it was a huge mistake. Each blames each other. The girlfriend says she has made the biggest mistake in her life and that she loves my son so much and doesn't want to lose him. I am so confused. My son is so homesick as it is, he is doubting his decision to join the Army but is pushing through knowing that he cannot change his mind now. He says he just holds on by thinking of me, his family and his girlfriend. Here is my question. Do I tell my son in a letter that his girfriend cheated. Do I wait until I go see him for Graduation? I am torn. My husband says tell him now. He will have time to process it and move on by the time he graduates. I just don't think it is that simple. I am scared to tell him while he doesn't have any family or friends to lean on. Please help!! What would you do??

RickJ · Aug 30, 2012, 07:29 AM

Mom, let your son sort out his own issues.

kil4hockey · Sep 5, 2012, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by RickJ

Mom, let your son sort out his own issues.

While I appreciate your short but to the point comment... I would really like to hear from a mom, I truly believe she would know what I am going through. It is not as simple as just let him deal with it.'

slapshot_oi · Sep 5, 2012, 04:03 PM

The military doesn't foster sensitivity and emotional support. You ought to wait until graduation to tell him. There's no question this would take his mind off his duty, and once it does, he would hear about it from his drill instructor.

smearcase · Sep 5, 2012, 04:23 PM

I am assuming from your description that he is in bootcamp. Telling him now can do no good but can do harm. Normally it is best to be honest with people but this may be a situation where the honesty should be delayed for what is probably only a few weeks.
My parents delayed telling me that my uncle had died while I was in Navy bootcamp mainly because they knew I would not be given time to attend the funeral. I have always felt that they made the right decision.
I have also seen military personnel (well beyond bootcamp) receive Dear John letters and the impact on their performance was very noticeable. Unless he has a definite need to know I vote for delaying the news.

JudyKayTee · Sep 6, 2012, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by kil4hockey

While I appreciate your short but to the point comment.... I would really like to hear from a mom, I truly believe she would know what i am going through. It is not as simple as just let him deal with it.'

Do stepmoms count? I think you are way too involved in your son's life. You confronted his girlfriend and the guy she had the fling with because you wanted/needed an explanation? I don't like to see my stepkids hurt. I also know they need to live their own lives. I may not like the current bf/gf, but I stay out of it.

No, I would not tell your son. By doing so you undermine his relationship with her. Let her tell him in her own time - or not. You tattle on her, they stay together, you possibly have set yourself up for a very bad relationship with both (or either) of them.

And if he is in "boot camp," the timing could be terrible.

I'd stay out of it.

smoothy · Sep 6, 2012, 08:11 AM

Originally Posted by kil4hockey

While I appreciate your short but to the point comment.... I would really like to hear from a mom, I truly believe she would know what i am going through. It is not as simple as just let him deal with it.'

RickJ isn't a mom... but he IS a dad... several times over.

kil4hockey · Sep 7, 2012, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by smoothy

RickJ isn't a mom...but he IS a dad...several times over.

I got the answer I needed from the person that was in the Navy. And while Rick J may be a dad several times over there is a special bond between and mother and a son, nothing quite like anything else in this world. Some are lucky enough to experience it, and the others judge it, and the step mom may think I am too involved, a mom can never be too involved with their children, young or old. Hell you I confronted them both, they both pretended to be something they weren't and I will not stand for my son to be a part of that game. He WILL thank me in the end, always does. I thank all of you for your comments and ideas, but like I said I will listen to the guy in the Navy, he knows exactly what he is talking about.

JudyKayTee · Sep 7, 2012, 02:31 PM

Originally Posted by kil4hockey

I got the answer I needed from the person that was in the Navy. and while Rick J may be a dad several times over there is a special bond between and mother and a son, nothing quite like anything else in this world. Some are lucky enough to experience it, and the others judge it, and the step mom may think I am too involved, a mom can never be too involved with their children, young or old. Hell ya I confronted them both, they both pretended to be something they weren't and I will not stand for my son to be a part of that game. He WILL thank me in the end, always does. I thank all of you for your comments and ideas, but like i said I will listen to the guy in the Navy, he knows exactly what he is talking about.

Got to disagree here - common sense is common sense if you're the mother or the father.

He "always" thanks you - you're always this involved in his life?

You raise a child - yes, raise the child - that is your child. You don't have to birth a child to be his mother and have a special bond.

LadySam · Sep 10, 2012, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by kil4hockey

I got the answer I needed from the person that was in the Navy. and while Rick J may be a dad several times over there is a special bond between and mother and a son, nothing quite like anything else in this world. Some are lucky enough to experience it, and the others judge it, and the step mom may think I am too involved, a mom can never be too involved with their children, young or old. Hell ya I confronted them both, they both pretended to be something they weren't and I will not stand for my son to be a part of that game. He WILL thank me in the end, always does. I thank all of you for your comments and ideas, but like i said I will listen to the guy in the Navy, he knows exactly what he is talking about.

I thought you wanted answers from moms. No offense to any of the guys.
As a mom I would not tell him while he is boot camp either.
But then I wouldn't tell him at all. Yes his friend and his girlfriend are wrong, he'll most likely figure it out on his own and deal with it in his own way.
I have been lucky enough to experience that special mother/son bond, but now that my son is grown it is not my place to keep him from falling any more, it is my place to help him get up and dust himself off if he needs me.

I wholeheartedly agree with the answer that you seem to most protest.
I would stay out of it and, yes it is that simple.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 10, 2012, 08:51 PM

I went though basic, and have had two sons go though basic. NO you don't tell him during basic training at all. He has enough issues and needs only pos support.

I would also suggest you consider not telling him at all, and wait to see if they will even get back together after basic. Many after basic and their tech school, don't get back with old girlfriend at home anyway.

kil4hockey · Sep 11, 2012, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by LadySam

I thought you wanted answers from moms. No offense to any of the guys.
As a mom I would not tell him while he is boot camp either.
But then I wouldn't tell him at all. Yes his friend and his girlfriend are wrong, he'll most likely figure it out on his own and deal with it in his own way.
I have been lucky enough to experience that special mother/son bond, but now that my son is grown it is not my place to keep him from falling any more, it is my place to help him get up and dust himself off if he needs me.

I wholeheartedly agree with the answer that you seem to most protest.
I would stay out of it and, yes it is that simple.

If I knew how to delete this whole thing I would. But just for fun... I am going to keep this and show my son when he comes home at Christmas. Then he can tell all of you exactly how much a mother should be involved. What you people are not understanding is that if he were home things would be a lot different. It wasn't like I wanted to find out... believe me. But I can tell you that my son will tell you that he is glad I called those two cheaters out! And he can handle the rest when he gets home!! No It is not that simple!! And NO I do not want any more of your thoughts! I have said it how many times now?? Read what the guy from the Navy said... That is what I am going with!! You stay out of your sons life!! I never will.

LadySam · Sep 11, 2012, 04:13 PM

One last thought, if he was home things would be different there is no doubt about it.
But he is not at home, the military will not coddle him if you decide to tell him while he is in basic.
And frankly I don't see where you get off being so hostile, you obviousely are a very confrontational person who reads what they want to into these posts. No one here has been nasty to you, you're attitude is unwarranted.
You asked a question of complete strangers who do not know you or your son, we answered with what we would do.
I as a mother, I would not have him upset while in boot camp, that would go badly for him, how could it go any other way?
And I will never stay out of my sons' life, but I will stay out of his business.

JudyKayTee · Sep 11, 2012, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by LadySam

And I will never stay out of my sons' life, but I will stay out of his business.

Out of greenies - but applause.