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    9252938's Avatar
    9252938 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 8, 2007, 06:37 PM
    Dealing with adult alcoholic son
    My alcoholic son is presently serving time in jail for dui and probation violation. He is 37 and has been through several rehab programs over the past 20 years with family encouragement, love and support but with no success. His sister and I have decided not to contact him this time and see if he will finally come to his senses and stop drinking before he loses his wife and child and home. I feel like washing my hands of this foolish ingrate for good, but feel unsure; is this is the best thing to do?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #2

    Jul 8, 2007, 06:50 PM
    While it is hard to do, you are doing the right thing. As you may or may not know, the addict (no matter what they are addicted to) will not stop until they are ready. For many this means losing their loved ones, this means losing jobs; homes; children; etc.

    As sad as it sounds, the addict is controlled by their drug of choice, whether it be alcohol, coke, pot, or even cigarettes... This control is enormous, and until the addict decides to quit, they can't. There is no amount of pressuring or ultimatiums that can help. They won't do it until they are ready.

    Sometimes it takes an enormous loss before they realize that their drug of choice has hold of them and they are ready to commit to sobriety.

    You are doing the right thing. So many others don't wash their hands of their loved ones, and this constitutes enabling.

    Stay strong.
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    alschultz Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jul 17, 2007, 01:27 PM
    I also have a 37 yr old son, that has been in rehab and is currently actively drinking and on probation. He almost died 2 yrs ago from seizures from his alcoholism. Prehaps you should attend Alanon or research the disease of alcoholism. To me to use terms like - wash your hands of him and come to his senses is sad. Hate the disease of alcoholism but don't hate the alcoholic.

    I love my son and would never wash my hands of him and I pray daily for my higher power to help both of us because we are both powerless. I can't fix him and he can't fix himself without professional help and support. He has to want to do this. Alcoholsim is cunning, baffling and powerful and is the most difficult disease to deal with. Not just for the alcoholic but also the family. Many people are affected by an alcoholic and their actions. I believe that for a parent to watch their child destroy their life and not be able to do anything about is almost impossible to deal with. As mothers, we feel we should protect them and be able to fix them and make them better, but we can't.

    I didn't mean to sound harsh as I have spent 20 years of living with alcoholism and I was raised in a home where neither of my parents drank. My ex husband drank himself to death at the age of 48 and 2 of our 3 sons are alcoholics. I did remarry and have a daughter that will not drink at at 25 and a wonderful supportive husband. So I live one day at a time with my sons.
    Lowtax4eva's Avatar
    Lowtax4eva Posts: 2,467, Reputation: 190
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    #4

    Jul 17, 2007, 01:35 PM
    Intervention - Participate

    Intervention! They will show them what's what. Or if you don't want to be on the show, just go to the website and they will help you do it yourself.
    stingskeeper's Avatar
    stingskeeper Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jul 28, 2007, 08:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 9252938
    My alcoholic son is presently serving time in jail for dui and probation violation. He is 37 and has been through several rehab programs over the past 20 years with family encouragement, love and support but with no success. His sister and I have decided not to contact him this time and see if he will finally come to his senses and stop drinking before he loses his wife and child and home. I feel like washing my hands of this foolish ingrate for good, but feel unsure; is this is the best thing to do?
    You need to let him hit bottom and find his own way out. This is so hard to do, but he has to want help to make it work. As long as he has anything left, he will not change.

    Good Luch
    strikertap's Avatar
    strikertap Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Feb 7, 2010, 01:21 PM
    I have a son who is 24 years old... He is bright, handsome and alcoholic. He has been out of private
    High school for over six years. He decided to stay home, and go to a Regional Community College
    Instead of going away to a four year institution. He had a terrible record during high school of
    Numerous arrest for under age drinking and pot smoking and a serious DUI which could have
    Ended in tragically... His father is also an alcoholic and I divorced him two years ago... My son grew
    Up in a home where I was constantly fighting with not only his father but his older brother to stop
    Drinking and act responsibily... but instead the three of them continued to drink and sleep late
    And waste their days..
    Finally my youngest son Tom, decided to go to Golf School in FL. He said this was what he need
    To final quite drinking... so I paid for his golf school, get him a car and an apartment and gave him
    Money for food. He was kicked out of school about a month later for being drunk and disorderly.
    So my ex husband put Tom in an expensive rehab in FL (25,000 for three months) Tom was
    Kicked out of the program weeks before the end because he couldn't follow the rules... but my
    Ex-husband said it was OK because the program was almost over anyway?
    Tom, then decided to stay in FL with my youngest sister Laura who gave him free room and
    Board while he got a job at a golf course... after several months again he was fired... then a
    Series of jobs in FL with the same results... drunk. After two years of this, his father sent
    Him some money to fix the car which I took away from him and he drove without anyone's
    Permission 1800 miles back home leaving a hundreds of unpaid bills in the form of tolls,
    Rents, and friends and relatives... once back home he moved in with my other sister who is
    An alcoholic too. She was happy! So both my son and sister, continued to drink and smoke
    Pot for the past two years... He without a job and her with a small job. He was accepted in
    The Navy only to be kicked out while waiting for his class date because of a domestic vandalism
    Charge...
    Finally, even my sister is ready to kick him out... what can I do?
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #7

    Feb 11, 2010, 10:11 PM

    9252938 and Strikertap, find and attend an al-anon meeting(s.) There you will find others who know what you're going through. You can get the best advise there. J-9 had some excellent advise for you too.

    The person with the drinking problem is sick. He can't be controlled by anyone but alcohol. When he decides to quit letting it into his body, you might be able to reason with him. Still, each person must make his own mistakes and find their own answers.

    Get healthy for yourself. An AA expression is useful here, "let go and let God."
    phauxquota's Avatar
    phauxquota Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Feb 25, 2010, 09:25 PM

    Sounds like it is more than an addiction to me. Seems like antisocial behavior and he needs to seek individual therapy rather than group therapy. Most antisocials do not seek help on their own, but are court mandated to. Old question, but I hope that he has found a way to conform to life in a positive way.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #9

    Feb 25, 2010, 10:54 PM

    I wanted to add something said to me by a very wise alcoholic in recovery. "The dollar(s) you give him may be the one to help him hit bottom and "get it." Don't feel guilty for the money you have spent on him. If you can't afford to give more, don't.

    Alcoholism is not something caused by bad parenting, by a mother who cares too much or stops caring after a while. It is a disease, a dis-ease of the mind, body and soul. An alcoholic feels very uncomfortable without his drug, period.

    And you do not cause another to feel uncomfortable or otherwise. It is his stuff! Take care of you. Set an example of self-care. Blaming yourself or him, feeling guilty is useless. Do what works. Take care.
    nessie57's Avatar
    nessie57 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Oct 10, 2010, 01:49 PM
    I have a 35 year old alcoholic drug using son who keeps turning my life and my husbands life upside down. He works but "loses" his wallett with all his money loses his place to live has no where to go(seriously) and just continues to make us miserable what do I do how do I escape? My husband and I left our home to move over 700 miles away to escape him and now he's here because his grandmother couldn't stand him being homeless so SHE brought him here to stay with us. We gave him a place to stay until he found a job and moved out then we helped him furnish this place and one month later I answered the door to a bloody drunken man who I had to rush to the ER. He lost the apartment and now he's going to be on the streets again but he is so sorry and he's really wanting to get help etc. HOW DO I ESCAPE
    JAYHALEM's Avatar
    JAYHALEM Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Dec 1, 2011, 05:27 AM
    Right now you feel that your son is an ingrate and indeed he is. It takes a strong person to see past the ungratefulness of your son and remember that you are his mother. Just keep loving him for it is at these times that he needs you the most, even if he does not say it or show it. Take all your worries in prayer for there is great reward in those who call upon the Lord for help. The time will come when you will rejoice in his transformation. Just hang in there and do not give up.

    JAY
    kjschutt's Avatar
    kjschutt Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 5, 2012, 04:32 PM
    I have a 35 yr old son in the same place, evicted from his house and jobless, my husband is not supportive of him and sick of all the crap that he has put us all through. I feel your pain and frustration. We have also talked about moving 2000 miles away to escape this life that he puts on us all. I try to always help him thinking that this will be it, the last time that I'll have to do this, He swears that he's going to get it right this time, still waiting for that to happen. This life sucks and I have no answers, but everyone tells me to cut ties and stop helpping him but I always frine myself there and doing it every time. I hate this and know you are not alone. Good luck

    How do I cut ties with my son who is a 35 yr old alcoholic. He needs to stop envovling me in every thing he does but I fine it very hard to break away and not be there for him, but he drives me crazy. My husband (not his father) does not want him here and sick of all his crap so I deal with him alone, not even his younger brother and younger sisters will deal with him. So tired of this life.
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #13

    Jun 5, 2012, 04:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kjschutt View Post
    how do I cut ties with my son who is a 35 yr old alcoholic. he needs to stop envovling me in every thing he does but I fine it very hard to break away and not be there for him, but he drives me crazy. My husband (not his father) does not want him here and sick of all his crap so I deal with him alone, not even his younger brother and younger sisters will deal with him. So tired of this life.
    It is never easy to deny help to one that you love. Those are easy recommendations but exceedingly difficult to actually perform. It also involves a specific philosophical underpinning, a tough love concept which lacks universal acceptance.

    There is no more difficult condition to deal with than the long-term abusive drinker. Love & hate, hope and despair, constant uncertainty and fear. Just wondering who is coming home tonight: A normal pleasant individual, or a raging drunk? This type of emotional roller coaster takes an enormous toll on anyone.

    Wish I knew the answer or could offer you some short-term hope. But there is no way to handle your circumstance that is uniformly effective
    YourAnswer's Avatar
    YourAnswer Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jun 10, 2012, 06:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 9252938 View Post
    My alcoholic son is presently serving time in jail for dui and probation violation. He is 37 and has been through several rehab programs over the past 20 years with family encouragement, love and support but with no success. His sister and I have decided not to contact him this time and see if he will finally come to his senses and stop drinking before he loses his wife and child and home. I feel like washing my hands of this foolish ingrate for good, but feel unsure; is this is the best thing to do?
    Rehab programs don't work. The only program that has an independently calculated and verified success rate is that of St. Jude. This non-profit, non-religious program has a success rate of 62%. It really works!

    http://www.soberforever.net/vara.cfm
    174's Avatar
    174 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jun 15, 2012, 06:41 AM
    I too have an alcoholic son. He lost his job in construction when the economy got bad. Since then he has drank and drank and drank. 2 years ago his wife could not live with it anymore and they divorced. (They have 2 children 5 and 6yrs old). A year and half ago he was DUI and totalled his truck. My wife and I bailed him out and warned that that would be the only time. Since then he has lost his home due to foreclosure and is currently living with a girl that seems to put up with him. He could not live with us because he didn't like the rules to live under our roof. His x-wife is a responsible mom and will not allow him to see the children if he has been drinking, as I don't blame her, but that knocks us out of seeing our grandchildren. Now he is facing losing his license due to non payment of child support. He chooses drinking over everything that use to be important to him. He constantly blames us for his drinking saying that we are to hard on him. He is 30 years old,still unemployed, and making our entire family misurable. If he has to reach bottom before he quits drinking I'm afraid it's going to be 6' under. He has lost everything already. We don't know what to do anymore. We use to have a great relationship and we don't have that anymore either because all he wants to do is argue which I refuse to do with him. Any advise?
    gama758965's Avatar
    gama758965 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jun 16, 2012, 10:45 AM
    I have a 36 year old son who is an alcoholic. Has been since he was in his 20's. DUI ruined his life no chance of a good job. Wife 2 of them left him. Has 2 beautiful children. He is my only son and I love him. He just had his first seizure and is in the hospital they offered him help but he refused. I am in the same boat. Wish I could escape not really I want him better. I tried to talk to him at the hospital but he got angry. I feel helpless. He is also manic depressive. Good luck to all of you and God bless. I think I am going to try Al-anon. I need help.
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    pamela2 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jun 24, 2012, 06:09 AM
    My son is an alcoholic and addicted to bezodiazipan . He is seeing a councilor at alcohol unit . One day he says he wants to stop drinking the next day he oncemore gets very drunk . It is terrible to see him destroying himself . His father does not want him to live with us anymore . I think he would not be able to cope alone and he will die . I feel desperate and so very sad , Thank you Pam from Halifax England .
    Libage1505's Avatar
    Libage1505 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jul 20, 2012, 05:19 PM
    My 24 year old son is an alcoholic and drug abuser. He recently tested positive for Hep C. He has been arrested several times, most recently for possession of heroin. He has no job, no driver's license, no health insurance. I would never wish this on anyone. The stress it is putting on our family is too much. I love my son and to see him destroy his life and slowly kill himself by drinking and doing drugs is devastating.
    CameronsMom's Avatar
    CameronsMom Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Sep 5, 2012, 03:01 PM
    Reading all of the above posts leaves me with a question: does alcohol abuse and seisures go together? I have a 24 yr old son that has a huge drinking problem. I came on here to see what I could learn to help him. He had a seisure for no apparent reason recently -- I never linked it to alcohol. That is scary if it does link. Scarier than it is already. He is back in college, has a good full time job -- and is drinking (sometimes to passing out) daily. Last night he came home wanting me to hurry and let him use my computer right now. I asked him why he was in such a hurry and he said because he needed to go get a drink. Broke my heart. Being the stubborn ol broad I am I told him he would have to wait until I was done doing what I was doing. But he slammed around and moaned and groaned the whole time. Once he got on, did his schoolwork, he went out and got some Yeager and brought it back and wanted me to drink with him! I do not drink on a regular basis. And when I do, its wine and never to get drunk. The fact that a year a go I never knew he drank and now he not only tells me he is leaving to get drunk every night but is also now bringing it here and wanting me to drink with him had me very worried. Now add the seisure aspect... if its linked he/I need to know. In 30 days he'll have medical coverage -- maybe if he can hold it together to that point he will agree to go into treatment of some kind. So about seisures -- are they linked to alcohol abuse?
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #20

    Sep 5, 2012, 03:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by CameronsMom View Post
    Reading all of the above posts leaves me with a question: does alcohol abuse and seisures go together?? I have a 24 yr old son that has a huge drinking problem. I came on here to see what I could learn to help him. He had a seisure for no apparent reason recently -- I never linked it to alcohol. That is scary if it does link. Scarier than it is already. He is back in college, has a good full time job -- and is drinking (sometimes to passing out) daily. Last night he came home wanting me to hurry and let him use my computer right now. I asked him why he was in such a hurry and he said because he needed to go get a drink. Broke my heart. Being the stubborn ol broad I am I told him he would have to wait until I was done doing what I was doing. But he slammed around and moaned and groaned the whole time. Once he got on, did his schoolwork, he went out and got some Yeager and brought it back and wanted me to drink with him! I do not drink on a regular basis. And when I do, its wine and never to get drunk. The fact that a year a go I never knew he drank and now he not only tells me he is leaving to get drunk every night but is also now bringing it here and wanting me to drink with him had me very worried. Now add the seisure aspect......if its linked he/I need to know. In 30 days he'll have medical coverage -- maybe if he can hold it together to that point he will agree to go into treatment of some kind. So about seisures -- are they linked to alcohol abuse?
    Probably not in an active drinker as you are describing. It would be my guess that the seizures are not directly caused by the alcohol. They may be related however. That would result from frequent intoxication exacerbating another (perhaps undiagnosed) condition. Please don't interpret this as a diagnosis but rather an avenue of exploration.

    Even if they are completely disrelated each requires specialty medical intervention.

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