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    lostinmyownlife's Avatar
    lostinmyownlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 31, 2012, 01:22 PM
    I feel like I'm losing myself.
    I'm not really sure where to begin this... But I feel like I'm losing my grasp on sanity, reality, and myself. I feel like my girlfriend is trying her hardest to suck whatever life I have left out of me, so that I feel as miserable as she does. I just don't know what else to do, and I'm really being honest here when I say I'm very surprised with myself that I'm even writing this.

    I'm miserable, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm at the end of my tether and I don't really know what I'm doing anymore, but I know I don't want to be doing this.

    When my mother passed away three years ago, she was the primary source of income for the household. Don't get me wrong, neither my father or I am deadbeat layabouts, but she had lucked out and got into a position at a thriving real estate company and worked her way up to a good and well-payed position.

    Anyway, when she passed, it was during a week-long vacation that started with my resignation from my previous job, and the starting point of not only a new job, with a start-up IT company as their first employee, but a career. We were building a company from the ground up. I had the brains, he had the corporate experience and money to make it happen, and it worked. Very well in fact, we were financially stable and had a 4-man staff of technicians within a year and a half.

    Because of my insane hours (70-90 hours a week), and to help me cope with the sudden loss of my mother, my girlfriend moved in with my father and I so that we could still have a relationship. As she didn't have a job at the time, she was happy to agree to contributing to the household by tidying up and doing laundry (Dad cooks dinner, and I do dishes every day). This worked well for about six months, and our relationship actually got better...

    I guess I got used to coming home from a long (LONG) day of work and stress to open arms and a loving embrace... Because it hit me like a sack of bricks when it stopped happening. About that point she began (as she had in the past with other things... ) to resent my job, and how long she was alone in the house, and how there was never enough money to do anything with (I'll go over why that is later on), and how we don't do anything anymore (this is six months into a brand new job/career/company, mind you!), and, seemingly overnight, became a miserable wretch... But... I still loved her, so...

    I put up with the constant bickering and argumentative behavior, the yelling and stomping (temper tantrums, to this day, like an 8 year old), and her-way or the highway mentality... I put up with the "you need to change this" and "you need to change that" and "you need to do this" and "I need, I want, I need, I need, I want" and gave up... I think everything that made me "me", to try to make her happy.

    I haven't picked up my guitar for over two years, I don't talk to or hang out with any of my friends (that time I spent on Facebook leaving a quick message on their wall I could have spent with her, after all), I don't have a hobby, I don't play games... I work... I eat... I sometimes have time to take care of general hygiene... But mostly I sit with her and watch TV... Because we can't afford to go out and do anything, and even if we did, twenty minutes into walking around or being out, she's in so much pain she needs to sit down and take a pill...

    I'm broke, and in debt up to my ears with her medical bills (MRI's, blood work, general doctor visits, etc.) and store cards and clothes cards(two of these, platinum, maxed out for $1600 and $800... All still has tags on it) and credit cards and cell phone bills, and this that and the other thing...

    Whenever I try to do something for me (like fix my car so I can get to work... Or fix dad's truck so he can get to work... Or play a video game on my computer to relax a bit), she gets angry because she wanted to go somewhere and buy something (junk food and soda, or clothes).

    I feel like I'm working just to feed her and her misery at this point. She really spent the last two and a half years sitting on her ***, eating herself to death and popping pills to keep herself numb to the emotions that are a part of daily life. All while she made up excuse after excuse as to why she wasn't looking for work and promising to start after some point in time that was usually several months away for some, I feel, STUPID reason.

    We even went to seven doctors who all told her it was a weight issue. That the pain, stiffness, difficulty breathing, and stomach issues that she has now is a result of her weight and complete lack of exercise. Aside from the complete rejection of the reality that it really is probably the weight that's causing a lot of the pain (and potentially damage to everything), these doctors prescribed diet and exercise instead of narcotic drugs. Something she became even more furious about.

    At this point, let me make it clear that I don't care how much she weighs. I really don't. I was attracted to her passion and personality and her heart. The rest really doesn't matter to me. I feel, and always have, that you could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but, if you're ugly inside, forget it.

    OK, so... She feels like even when I'm sitting right next to her, watching TV with her, or doing whatever she wants to do (watch TV or watch TV), that she get's nothing out of me. That I show her no affection, no love, that I don't care about how she feels because when she's complaining about how much I suck, I get this glazed over look on my face and don't really respond.

    Well... I've been doing the laundry for her for the last six months, because she can't make more than two trips to the basement without needing to take a pill. I ask her if she needs anything every time I leave the room or go somewhere (like to work), and routinely will stop and pick stuff up for her at the store on my way home (even after a really long day), even if she didn't ask for it. I don't complain when I can't get a straight answer out of her, for example:
    Me- do you want coffee?
    Her- that should be obvious
    Me (to self)- not really... Its hit or miss...
    Me (to her)- hot or iced?
    Her- well its cold out, dumb-***, what do you think?
    Me (to self)- I think that's hit or miss too...
    Me (to her)- I think I'd better ask you, because I don't want to make the wrong thing
    Her- 9 years together and you don't even know that yet? Do you know anything about me?

    After 9 years together, the one thing I DO know is you never "guess" what "she" wants... Because she always want's what you didn't get. That's just on a good day.

    Lately, I've been working so much, and stressed so much, and aggravated so much after working with her non-stop complaining and whining and threats and yelling, etc. That it's become really difficult for me to live off 4 hours of sleep a night.

    Oh, I almost forgot that. She tells me I can go to bed whenever I'm tired. So, naturally, when I do, she guilt trips me into staying up anyway (until 4am every day) because she's not tired (because she slept until 4pm that day), and she can't sleep if I fall asleep before she does (she snores too, you know... ). She tells me I don't have to wait for her to take a shower, that I can go whenever... But when I do, its an issue, because suddenly, after not taking a shower for 4 days, she decides that she had wanted to do it that night, and now would have no hot water. BTW! When I DON'T take a shower and wait for her (so that she gets some freaking hot water), she finds every excuse not to take a shower... Like getting absorbed in some Facebook game or a TV show that's the 3rd time that day she saw the same rerun.

    But, I'm a horrible person. I do nothing for her, I'm always wrong, I show her no respect or affection... Honestly she seems to care more about the fact that we haven't had sex for two months (two months, a week and four days, six hours, twelve minutes and twenty two - twenty three - twenty four seconds... Yea... She keeps that kind of track), and not the fact that I'm physically and mentally drained not only from work but also her constant verbal abuse (and the occasional flung object), and even if I WAS capable of being intimate, constantly reminding me of my deficiencies, emasculating me at every opportunity (I got a red plaid hat and scarf set before Christmas, because I happen to like plaid very much, I'm of Scottish descent after all... And it's warm... She says it makes me look like a "Gay Lumberjack"), ridiculing me in front of her family (who have told her that it makes them uncomfortable when she does it, and usually side with me, which pissed her off so much she didn't see them for an entire month), etc, is really no way to set the mood for lovemaking...

    I'm tired... Just tired... But there's still, because of everything that's been said by her... That small doubt that maybe it is all me. Maybe I shouldn't be upset that she overspends at the store on junk food, or opens a new store credit card (she has no job, mind you, and I make just enough to keep the roof over our heads, with my dad), or tells me periodically that the only reason she puts up with my sh*t is because her parent's can't afford to pay her bills until she get's a job.

    I go out of my way to do things for her AND her family... And to be honest... There's been a few times where her family have asked her why she treats me so poorly... But still I'm not sure if its maybe just me. Like I said, I'm losing it.

    I'll never do something stupid like suicide or anything like that, believe me. But I feel like I'm close to a mental breakdown... And I see it starting to affect my father as well. He seems more depressed lately, and I think it's related.

    Is it me after all?

    If you made it this far, thank you so much for bothering to read a little about my life. If you feel like responding, please do, if not, thanks for reading it anyway.
    berta146's Avatar
    berta146 Posts: 36, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Jan 31, 2012, 04:04 PM
    I felt stressed reading that honey well here is my opinion she needs to find a job and lose the weight I don't mean that in a horrible way as a woman's view when you gain weight it comes with all these insecuritys like does he fancy me what if I let him out will he meet someone else etc no matter how many times you tell her you find her attractive or love her she won't believe you because she doesn't love herself so therefore how can you love her woman are complicated believe me I know I can she needs to wake up get a job and get her confidence back she will only do that if she loses the weight if she can't do that for you then she is not worth staying with you only live once and life is short don't waist it your going to end up losing everything because this kind of stess can take its toll on your health if she doesn't do anything about it then you will start to dislike her and that will show even if you try to hide it and will make for a very messy situation your going to have to take control of this and your life by telling her your not superman your working every min to provide a life for you and her but you can't do it alone and need her help ask her to get a job help out with money and from there hopefully the weight will start to fall off go to bed when you feel tired don't stay up your going to make yourself ill and every now and then take time out go down to the pub for a local game of pool with your friends and unwind if she can't accept that then the relationship is a no go and you might as well ask her to find somewhere else to live so you can have a break then if you feel you would like to try again with her but you really need to stop taking the easy road for the sake of a argument don't argue with her just walk away go to a friends for a coffie go for a walk ar a pint and maybe she will realise your not going to take it anymore the more you back down the more she will continue its going to get worse before it gets better but has to be done good luck
    pandead's Avatar
    pandead Posts: 280, Reputation: 228
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    #3

    Jan 31, 2012, 04:32 PM
    Your story is heartbreaking, like one of those movies that make you feel uncomfortable... I think you are losing your mind because of the "emasculating" part. And after the loss of your mother who looks like a confident and professionally ambitious woman like your mother, having someone like your girlfriend at home must be very difficult with you and your father...

    What I am wondering is, if you were attracted to her heart and soul in the first place, what are you attracted to now (since you are still with her?)
    lostinmyownlife's Avatar
    lostinmyownlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jan 31, 2012, 06:10 PM
    @Berta - Thanks for your thoughts. At this point I have no friends, as she effectively alienated all of them of the last five or six years. I could try to make some, but I'm at six days on, and one day off, and that one day off is usually dedicated to playing chauffeur for her and sister.

    @pandead - Thanks for taking the time to write back. I really don't have an answer. That's probably cause for concern right there.

    I used to think that the good times should outweigh the bad... but even the good days are few and far between, and typically only start or end good, never both. It's a bit like Jekyll and Hyde, really... one minute everything is OK and she acts sweet and caring, and the next she's blowing up like a three year old over some drama between her and her family, or because I forgot to bring the laundry down to the washing machine, or just pining about being alone all the time... as if I was OK being alone in my office all day and night working. Why should I be tired? I got a full four hours of sleep last night!

    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #5

    Jan 31, 2012, 06:22 PM
    She is not worth it, in fact not worth much at all, break up with that girl, throw her out of your house, and bring the happiness back into your home, man if I was your dad, she would have been out of there a LONG time ago.
    lostinmyownlife's Avatar
    lostinmyownlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jan 31, 2012, 09:12 PM
    @mmresd - Thanks. I'm starting to feel the same way, and I'm pretty sure he's not so crazy about her either... she routinely flat out refuses to eat anything he cooks... although she won't cook herself... a lot of times I think he's insulted by it... I know I am.

    I don't know how to untangle my life from her at this point, but one thing is crystal clear, I really can't see spending the rest of my life waking up next to this... succubus.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Jan 31, 2012, 09:33 PM
    Things don't work out, you did not move in for the right reasons and did it out of missing something else in your life.

    Get out of this, get over it, and move on.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Feb 1, 2012, 11:00 AM
    Because of my insane hours (70-90 hours a week), and to help me cope with the sudden loss of my mother, my girlfriend moved in with my father and I so that we could still have a relationship. As she didn't have a job at the time, she was happy to agree to contributing to the household by tidying up and doing laundry (Dad cooks dinner, and I do dishes every day). This worked well for about six months, and our relationship actually got better...
    You entered into a relationship of convenience my friend as this help your situation. But truth be told, you didn't have time to develop a relationship because of your career. You ignored the early signs of dissatisfaction, and thought you could throw things at it for her to be happy, and now you are frustrated that that didn't make her a loving happy person. Surprised it has gone on for 9 years.

    Sorry guy, I am just not buying this was all her lazy a$$, and you are the hard working victim. It may make you feel better about yourself and justify your own frustrations, but it's a lie, as I see it, and half the problem, because sitting on the pity pot has only added to the problem instead of bringing forth solutions that could/should have been started LONG AGO! What, you expected her to do the maid thing forever while you did the career thing and be happy forever??

    Now she is fat, lazy, and miserable, and making everyone else miserable, and yet you don't see the cry for help, only your own misery. Its been 9 years my friend, and if you cannot see that while your career is under way, you OWE this fat, lazy person you helped create as much time and effort to do better for herself, as you did building your career. HOW??

    That's simple, stop the pity and sit down and lay out a plan where your work hours go down, and you put some face time into the relationship. It may not be well received, but you better do your part in getting her back on her feet, before you throw her out in the cold with no support whatsoever. That's my feelings, as now its time to do what you should have been doing all along, giving of yourself to help, and support another, as you have severely sacrificed a relationship for a career, and that has to be balanced by asking yourself what can I do to get her on her feet?

    First acknowledge the misery, and tell her honestly that the goodies are gone, and the work begins, and you will help if she gets off her a$$, and does something for herself as this will not work. It requires you to say NO sometimes, and she will think you are mean, and demanding. A lot of conflicts and arguments for sure. HAVE THEM! Use them to paint the picture of what's expected, and what will not be tolerated.

    In short, finally step up and be the man and put your house in order, the right way, with time, work, and effort, and stop throwing things at it, like credit cards and low expectations for her.
    I think if you put as much time, effort, and care into your house, as you do your career, it may make a huge difference.

    Sorry guy, I don't find your efforts honest, nor effective or else you would not be where you find yourself at, and even if your best efforts fail, you can walk away with no regrets. Stop guessing at what she wants, and give her what she NEEDS, and that's some good orderly direction.

    Why do I say this? Because you had free maid service and the benefits of sex at some point, without the benefits that a marriage can bring. Sure she maxed out the Credit Cards that YOU provided her, and had medical bills, so what? That's par for the course in any marriage and it's a man who sets the pace, and leads by example the boundaries that give you both the options and opportunities to be happy and fulfilled, and that sir, you have not done! So share the blame and failures, and try to do better.
    lostinmyownlife's Avatar
    lostinmyownlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Feb 2, 2012, 08:31 PM
    @Fr_Chuck - Thanks for the feedback

    @Talaniman - Honestly, I get what you're saying. But I don't think you get what I'm saying. Buy what you want, don't buy what you don't want to buy. We were together for six years before she moved in. I was with her at her side through ER visits (she's now flagged as a med-seeker, BTW), and even two stays in a mental home for attempted suicide. I think if nothing else I deserved a little respect, at some point, for even still giving a ****.

    If you're going to tell me that the only reason you're still with me is because I pay your bills, then there's nothing left to save. I don't think busting my *** so you can sit on yours and watch TV counts as "free maid service". In order for it to be a service, something actually has to happen, not just a "oh, it was on my list of things to do but I slept until 4pm today and now my back hurts".

    It's difficult to give a **** about someone who doesn't seem to give a **** in return. I've sacrificed everything BUT my career for this. Dreams, opportunities, hobbies... exactly how do I owe this fat lazy person anything and if you're trying to tell me that I'm responsible for said fat lazy person getting so fat and lazy in the first place because what... I didn't treat them like a child and spank them when they were bad?

    How exactly do I have a say in how you run your life and what you do with it? Say this now to a 27 year old fat and lazy person. If you think their ears hear anything but the cellophane wrapper opening on the next snack, you're wrong.

    If I owe this fat lazy person who created themselves anything, it's a swift kick in the rear for not helping out at all for the last two years, despite constantly promising and promising.

    Tell you what, I'll give up eating and sleeping and taking a **** or showering, just so that there's more time for me to waste away sitting next to her watching TV. Do you really think that will help our relationship?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #10

    Feb 3, 2012, 07:50 AM
    I get what you are saying guy, the thrill is gone and you don't know how to get it back, or change the situation. But you need a plan of action, and some honest communications. I mean you absolutely have to have the NUTS to tell her you are through, and deal with the messy fall out.

    She didn't become the monster she is now, or develop all these flaws over night. They have been there but you have never addressed them before, so they grew, and continued, and you no longer want to deal with them. That's why it grows worse, because you did nothing about them.

    Dude, reread what you have written, and see that it takes two to succeed or fail, and you have painted yourself as a victim, and her a monster, and that's not accurate, and never is. What to do, be straight up and set a limit for you and her to make change or split. She keeps failing to keep her word, then why is she still there? Look if all that misery has not made you get off your butt and actually do something, then stop pointing out all her flaws.

    You make the plan, of what WILL happen, and get busy. The way I see it, you are sitting on your own a$$, and complaining, but doing nothing, so you have allowed her behavior. That makes this half your fault, and you are half the problem. There will be no change whatsoever without direct action. Just saying.

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