I'm new to the site. Have a important question.

I'm in my early 50's, boyfriend in this mid 50's, been married 40 years. I have met all of his family, i.e. sisters, brother, dad, children and grandchildren. We live together and have for over 2 years. He helps me financially; i.e. fixing up the house, buying anthing that needs to be done to the house, also pays me rent.

He had several excuses to start with not divorcing his wife. First he doesn't want to make her mad. And he says he doesn't want to make me mad either.

What bothers me is that he still goes to her house (theirs) to take the grandkids after school 3-4 days out of the week. He has holidays with the whole family. (I do have holidays later in the day or we travel out of town to one of his relatives.

Am I being too selfish? I really don't want to be married again. Am I just jealous of his attachment to his wife. By the way, they haven't slept together for 15 years. This also confirmed by his daughter and son.

Let me know if I haven't been clear and I'll clarify.

cruzn

I think you are foolish for staying with a married man. Give him an ultimatum, Divorce of move on.

I had to spread the rep but I agree

Somehow knew that would be the consensus. I probably agree, but I once told him I won't give him an ultimatum. He did mention a couple of weeks ago that they talked of divorce and he even told her he would pay for it. That was 3-4 weeks ago. How long do I give him on this ultimatum.

Well if he's talking to her about it, that's at least a start. Have the two of you talked about it since then? Maybe you could ask him what she decided, just casually and see where the conversation goes. You've been with him the last 2 years so it seems to me they might as well get divorced. I wouldn't bet upset that he goes over to take the grandkids after school, but I would also question why they don't get divorced. It seems to me like they already are, they just need to fill out the paperwork.

Thanks for your response! I will do that immediately today. Will let you know the results.

The reason he hasn't done anything is because he procrastinates on a lot of things. He not one to initate things or conflict. Your right he says she considers them divorced. I think both of them are slacking.

Sounds like it. Lol. It also sounds like things will work out. ;)

He is comfortable being around his wife and so does she, especially since the've been married for 40 years regardless if they stopped having sex. Also, they share something that you don't and that's a family. He feels obligated and who can blame him. He might still have feelings for her and feel that a divorce would cut ties, ties that he isn't ready to cut. You don't know what goes on or what is said when he over at her house and neither does his kids. I think the best thing to do in these situations is not to get involve. You can't be for sure if or when a divorce will happen but the question is how long are you willing to stick around and wait?

I would not bother giving him an ultimatum. If he has been married for this long, and has had you "on the side" nothing is going to change his mind. Forgive the cliché, but he is basically having his cake and eating it too.
He does not respect you or your feelings, and you two don't share the same wants... you need to leave and move on.

I'm sort of in the same boat as you are right now. I've been dating a "separated" but non-divorcing man for the past 2 years. He keeps telling me he loves me and will be divorcing her at some point, but, is noncommittal about the timing. He has two adult children that do not know about our relationship. Some family members know, and I have met a few - all of which seems good. However, his parents will not acknowledge our relationship until he gets a divorce; therefore, I'm not invited to any family functions. He goes solo.

I have been divorced for over 2 years. I promised myself (then subsequently broke my personal promise) that I would not get involved in another bad relationship. Well, this relationship, while not bad, is just very dysfunctional.

So, I have finally come to realize that there ultimately isn't anything there for me in the future - except what I have now. You may be looking at the same thing. Yes, they tell you they love you and they will "change their situation in time" and mine tells me he's "just too busy to do anything right now". The intentions are always mentioned, the actions just never happen.

I don't know what to tell you, except follow your gut. My gut is telling me to bail... and... soon. It's just very hard to leave someone you love.

Thanks for your response. As stated before, I did give him a choice.(That was back in November). Since that date, he has signed the house over to his wife and says the divorce is next. We went to the bank this past Saturday and withdrew the money for the divorce. As of today, he hasn't given her the money. He says he will give it to her this week. He also tells me that him getting a divorce will not change the relationship they have. Which is fine, I guess. He does have grandchildren and children that he is very close to all of them. (I also have a close relationship with my ex. So I understand).

So to sum it up, the divorce is still not filed. But, at least I know it is in the works. But ultimately I'll know when I see the final papers in the next 60 days or so. He does procrastinate about everything, but eventually gets it done especially when I say "I'm done".

Good luck to all those in this same situation. It's tough, but we chose the situation.

cruzn to get him to get a divorce

Divorce is a long process, it took 4 and a half years for my divorce to be final and we are already back in court less than two years later. You have already waited for two years. You maybe waiting so much more even if he is trying to get divorced, but he should still be starting the process.

I am confused on why he withdrew money for the divorce and he will be giving it to her? Are you not using attorneys?

She is the one who has been going to the attorney. They are in complete agreement on everything. She has always done the leg work in the marriage. As I said he puts things off. They also personally know the attorney. He tells me that with their kind of divorce where the children are grown and no disputes over the divorce it will be final in 60 days. (the standards in Tennessee). By the way, I do trust that she will go to the attorney with the money. Strange as it may seem, the wife and I are so much alike that it is scary sometimes. Was he looking for another woman like she used to be? I have been compared to her by his relatives.

Yes, uncontested divorces are a much simpler process. Well it sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

It is not really that strange that you are similar to his ex-wife.

I'm glad things are going in the right direction for you.

I have been with this boyfriend of mine for five years and he is married still. I divorced my husband the first year we met and he still has yet to do this. He has a daughter and a step daughter by her and they go to the same church which I can not attend because his dad is the bishop and the boyfriend is still married. We argue about him not getting his divorce weekly and he constantly says he will do it however, he still has not. We live together but he still visits his daughter and still claims the step daughter which is by another man. I have kids that he helps take care of (not by him though). I am tired of waiting and wants results.

I have been in the same situation and guess what, I have won. Let me tell you how. This is only my experience, and my take on it. I am not claiming I know everything. But you are making some awful mistakes. I have seen so many cases like yours, believe me...

I have started dating a married man when I was quite young, it doesn't matter. I am still young. He is in his mid 50's, children (teenagers) but no grandchildren. I was beginning to fall in love with him and I talked to a female friend, whose husband, a previous divorcée, had proposed 6 months after meeting her, when he used to date 4 women at the same time before getting together with her.

She told me several things which I find true, and it is all about self-respect and commitment to the relationship.

First off, to answer your question, it depends on what you want from him. I never wanted my boyfriend to divorce his wife, first off, because I didn't want to hurt him/have him go through issues. I did love him, but I guess I wasn't possessive or anything. Perhaps I didn't love him enough? Anyway. If you want him to divorce his wife.. it's going to be difficult. You made some mistakes.

One, it's okay to have a relationship with someone who's married (from your point of view) as long as it's based on the exact reasons it started- physical passion and genuine love for each other's company. You, on the other hand, took it to the next level. By meeting his family, being like his 'second wife', getting supported by him, etc, you sent the signal that you're more than OK with being in this position.

You are OK with him never divorcing his wife, basically. If he did love you, he would have divorced her a long time ago. Be careful, you are quickly becoming his wife #2, and no man wants that. That's why they have mistresses- for passion, for communication, for the easy breezy thing. Not for being nagged, reminded of household chores, etc.

You allowed yourself to become another wife, in his eyes. That's the problem, that's why I think he will not divorce his wife. Why pay a lawyer, split the assets, perhaps get a reputation (in his professional life and not only) when he's got the cake and eats it too? From what you suggest, he appears as being financially set, or at least a little bit more than yourself.

He's got grandchildren already. He is just 'too old' to get tangled into a divorce at his age, with his family situation. I think he just doesn't want to do it.

Be careful. By offering yourself, your issues, your life, basically, on a platter you're diminishing that mystery and passion that attracted him towards you in the first place. It's only been two years. I personally know a lady (a friend's mother) who's been with a married man for 20 years and he never divorced his wife. She even had his child, in her mid 40's, and he abandoned her shortly after because his eldest son was getting married that spring and he just 'couldn't handle it'. Sad but true.

My suggestion would be ALWAYS make sure YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT from a relationship with a married man. This way, you can pursue your interest and everybody's happy. Ofc I like and love my ex-married man. But I guess I was more interested in a specific thing when I started dating him. You just 'fell in love' with him, without thinking of the consequences and of the balance of powers, so to speak. Demand and offer, because that's what it all boils down to at the end of the day. What does he want from you, that he is your lover? It appears you want it more than he does.

Find yourself another lover. Perhaps then he will feel the competition and proceed with letting you know what his intentions truly are (divorcing his wife or getting back with her, or even finding another lover, who knows). I hate being a wet blanket but you must be prepared.

That's what I had to say. And do believe me, this is the ONLY thing you can do (I was given this advice many times, by men, ironically)- find another man and make him feel he could lose you. Other than that... if he doesn't want to, he never will.

2009 thread - please keep an eye on the dates. There are other recent threads on this same subject that could benefit from your experience.