Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Angela_A's Avatar
    Angela_A Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 9, 2007, 08:04 PM
    Why mothers hate their children
    Inputs from mothers please...

    I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

    Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

    For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

    Thoughts please.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #2

    Jan 9, 2007, 08:12 PM
    I really disagree, while I often speak about my mother from, well somewhere hot, it has nothing to do with love, it is because of her love she acts the way she does.

    I believe it is more a misunderstanding or a different way to show things then the other person wants or expects.

    I may not be able to stay in the same room with my mother for more than 2 hours, but hate has nothing to do with it, it is the extreme love she has that she focus on me poorly that is the issue
    TheSavage's Avatar
    TheSavage Posts: 564, Reputation: 96
    Senior Member
     
    #3

    Jan 9, 2007, 08:18 PM
    Lol As a male that sounds more like my father-- and he really did not change till the plant he worked at and wanted me to work at shut down.
    My little brother worked there and got the boot after 17 years -- no marketable skills.
    So there I was at 45 and my dad begrudging said -- maybe you made the right dissension
    lostandnowfound's Avatar
    lostandnowfound Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    Jan 12, 2007, 07:37 AM
    I wish I could answer because then I could help my GF her mom ruined her life at first with drinking and then jealousy... calling names locking in rooms and gorunding while her sister was able to roam free... I think it comes to jealousy... and possible the relatiuonship the daughter has with the father... could your mom bejealous of that?
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
    Uber Member
     
    #5

    Jan 12, 2007, 07:41 AM
    I don't find it a common phenomenon at all though it absolutely exists. Some of my peers (I'm a father of two) seem to base their parenting on NOT doing what their parents did to them - breaking the circle so to speak. Sometimes you have to cut out the cancer in your life and minimize contact with the ones who bring you down.
    marie62922's Avatar
    marie62922 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #6

    Jan 18, 2007, 12:03 PM
    I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Jan 18, 2007, 12:34 PM
    You don't have to get a license to be a mother, and some really twisted sadistic people happen to get pregnant and bear children. It's another one of the ways in which life isn't fair, because having a mother like that is definitely a big disadvantage.
    Tuscany's Avatar
    Tuscany Posts: 1,049, Reputation: 229
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Jan 18, 2007, 12:38 PM
    Having children does not make you a mother... that makes you able to have children

    Being a mother is so much more then giving birth. Mothers are best friends, cheerleaders, caregivers, a shoulder to cry on, support, love unconditionally, mediator, rule maker and so much more.

    Just because someone has a child does not mean that they are a mom... unfortuately that is the sad truth.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
    Uber Member
     
    #9

    Jan 18, 2007, 12:40 PM
    Tuscany, you are so right! Excellent post.

    I can say for sure that there are a couple people I know that consider themselves mothers but they make their children's life miserable which does not make them a parent at all. A parent does not always put their children down, making them feel useless just for some examples.

    Joe
    SingleMom7105's Avatar
    SingleMom7105 Posts: 63, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Feb 7, 2007, 06:39 AM
    I agree with everyone. Unfortuanantly just about any one can become a parent. There are only a few who actually deserve it and wear the honor like a badge. My parents were great and still are. They have always gone out of there way to help us out and make us feel good.
    I don't know how a parent can act like that. I am a parent myself to a 19 month old boy. He is my WORLD! I don't know what I would do without him. Every little thing he does makes me proud. This will be until the day I die!
    isabelle's Avatar
    isabelle Posts: 309, Reputation: 31
    Full Member
     
    #11

    Feb 9, 2007, 05:00 PM
    I believe some parents do hate there children. I also believe some children hate their parents. This is a terrible thing, but it does happen.
    I don't have an answer for why it happens.. I wish I did.. I would write a book and get rich, but some questions just have no real answers. It is very sad.
    luvlymazzy's Avatar
    luvlymazzy Posts: 8, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #12

    Feb 15, 2007, 02:39 AM
    My mom was and still is a nasty person!I am the eldest of 9, then I had a brother who she gave away for adoption then she had another 4 boys and then 3 girls.basicaly I raised them all.she would be in the pub day and night,bring that many different men home I was scared to sleep till they had gone.when she was around she beat me,locked me in my room with a bucket as a loo I used to get dragged about by my hair and one partner she had she let him beat me and my brothers daily with a belt!! thenit was like a viciuos circle when I wasn't there she would do it to the younger kids so I never went to school so I could take the beatings and not them!
    Now I am 31 have had 4 children of my own,my first baby died at 3 months of cot death (even then she was a horrible mother to me) I now have a 12,10 & 8year old and I try my hardest never to treat them the way she treated me, my 12 year old keeps asking when he can make a cup of tea,but I don't want him to I want him to do the things kids his age do and not grow up doing the things I had to do.dont get me wrong they do have chores to do in the house but I just don't like them doing things that I shouild be doing.
    So I think any female can be a mum but it takes someone special to be a mother!!
    luvlymazzy's Avatar
    luvlymazzy Posts: 8, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #13

    Feb 16, 2007, 09:19 AM
    I was thinking abut this post all last night I just couldn't get it out of my head! maybe because it bought a lot of old feelings back?
    I just can't understand how some mothers can treat their children so bad,my children mean the entire world to me, but I know what it is like to be treated so badly as a child and I also know what it is like to loose a child!! It is the worst feeling in the whole world and I didn't even have my mother to turn to at that time!! I loved my daughter with al my heart and soul and I would have died in her place! The day she died my ex-sister-in-law gave birth to twin boys,and low and behold me she neglected them little boys for nearly four years before anyone did anything about it!!
    So how anyone can say that a mother wouldn't ruin a child's life is TOTALLY wrong because these sick people do exsist out there which is very sad :(

    On a lighter note I found this poem for all te wonderful and caring mothers in the world...

    Super Mom
    Mom, you're a wonderful mother,
    So gentle, yet so strong.
    The many ways you show you care
    Always make me feel I belong.
    You're patient when I'm foolish;
    You give guidance when I ask;
    It seems you can do most anything;
    You're the master of every task.
    You're a dependable source of comfort;
    You're my cushion when I fall.
    You help in times of trouble;
    You support me whenever I call.
    I love you more than I can express;
    You have my total respect.
    If I had my choice of mothers,
    You'd be the one I'd select!
    wallabee4's Avatar
    wallabee4 Posts: 294, Reputation: 19
    Full Member
     
    #14

    Feb 17, 2007, 01:45 AM
    THIS IS FROM A MOM. I am going to assume that at least some of the other posts are from MEN, i.e. NOT MOMS.

    First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.

    But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.

    Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. You enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get through it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping every time we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids.

    Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. He never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply.

    I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations.

    I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. Or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.

    So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did...
    luvlymazzy's Avatar
    luvlymazzy Posts: 8, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #15

    Feb 17, 2007, 04:57 AM
    As I just said abouve I didn't say all mums were bad and I do pray to god that there are a lot more good than bad!
    But when I was growing up I was a mother to my 4 brothers never allowed to go to school as I had the kids to look after,I had to cook,clean,change dirty nappies at 7/8.I was 14when my sister came along and I overheard people in the shops saying I was a dirty little tart having a baby at such a young age!! :mad: I tried to make my point that she is my sister but they didn't want to believe it,then when she was 17months old another sister came along oh and once again people thought she was mine and to totally top it all off my mum got pregnant AGAIN but this time I alo got pregnant when she was 5months gone.
    I was so happy to have a baby of my own but when I told her I was pregnant she said I'm glad your pleased get rid of it you've got these kids to look after!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
    As you can see this is a very touchy subject to me as my mum did make my life a misery and I don't think iwill ever forgive her for it :eek:
    isabelle's Avatar
    isabelle Posts: 309, Reputation: 31
    Full Member
     
    #16

    Feb 17, 2007, 09:03 AM
    People are people and there are all kinds. What's that old saying.. we can pick our friends but not our relatives?
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #17

    Feb 17, 2007, 09:18 AM
    Some people are so damaged that their love is toxic. I wouldn't even call it love but for the sake of being graceful about it I am. And sadly, damaged people raise damaged kids who in turn raise damaged kids. Well, its not exactly that simple since there are lots of exceptions in the mix and toxic is a term of relativity too. And they don't even know they are doing it -- its called DENIAL. But it is possible to break the chain, as NeedKarma suggests, sometimes on your own and other times with professional help.

    I come from an incredibly damaged family, who also came from incredibly damaged families and who likely came from damaged families. I was not willing to settle for that so I sought help for myself. If people in my culture were as interested about their mental hygiene as they are about who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is, a lot of this would begin to change. Sadly, I see what I call the thousand nameless mental illnesses spreading over time here so that it is indeed more and more common. Part of the reason I am here posting in the forums I am is to try and stem that tide a bit. Sick parents are a burden, whether its physical or emotional. As adults, it is our job to rise to that occasion and seek what help is necessary for us to do just that.
    wallabee4's Avatar
    wallabee4 Posts: 294, Reputation: 19
    Full Member
     
    #18

    Feb 17, 2007, 11:41 AM
    When you point a finger at MOM please realize there are 3 other fingers pointing back at YOU. Especially those who mention dysfunctional family following dysfunctional family ad nauseum. You can never change your mothers. YOU CAN, however, change YOU and your attittude. (I recall a co-worker of mine whom I absolutely dispised. I thought when he was hired he was a bad fit for his job. He had flat feet and every time I heard him walk down the hall past my office that flip flop of his feet was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me. I couldn' stand knowing he was around. Then, as time went on, he wnet beyond his own job duties because his interests/skills lay elsewhere and he solved some of the major problems I was having in my department and he took over some of the duties that I myself hated and he in fact enjoyed those same duties. I suddenly started to like this fellow. And one day I noticed that I didn't even HEAR his feet go by my office anymore. When my attitude towards him changed, I found my whole tolerance for him changed.) SEE YOUR MOMS FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE. LOOK INSIDE TO HER CONFLICTS/STRUGGLES. EMPATHIZE (or help, if you can and you will create a NEW family dynamic that you might be more proud of instead of coming to a chat board and b---hing about your moms.

    As far as dysfunctional following another, there is absoluitley no excuse today. (I'll not address those families where illegal drugs are the problems, as I have no experience there and feel handling reality is hard enough--drug-created realities are another story... ) But there is no excuse today to not fix a LOT of your family problems all by yourself: Not when I can't pick up a remote and not see some Nanny show on TV giving parents the actual specific solutions to their parenting skills. Not when Dr. Phil and TONS like him are all over the airwaves helping you solve your personal problems. You know when those kids shot up Columbine HS? I am in NO WAY justfying what they did, but if you'll remember it was a severe wake-up call to see how kids who are bullied/picked on/laughed at at school can take only SO MUCH and eventually explode. I see it everywhere in movies and TV this life lesson being taught: my kids watch a Land Before Time cartoon dinosaur movie and see a 'bully' dinosaur who picks on Littlefoot and his friends and makes their lives a sheer hell but then they come to see that the bully has a Dad who picks on him the same way and they decide rather than run from the bully and hate him they will show him love and compassion for his situation and Voilą! The bully softens/changes/learns that if he is hurting it isn't going to help for him to retaliate and hurt others. He has to speak up to his Dad and tell him what he's doing, tell him how it makes him feel, and tell him what he wants/needs him to do to make it better. This is what I teach my kids probably on a several-times-a-day basis. But there are TONS of adults in today's society that need to learn this same lesson. I came frm a HUGEly dysfunctional family. But that's NO EXCUSE for ME to be dysfunctional. You aren't victims of Mom's behavior unless you decide to be. And I'll maintain that I bet Mom is feeling a lot of frustration/hurt/anger that nobody is caring one diddly about that is fueling her reaction to you and her outloook on life/the world. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #19

    Feb 17, 2007, 12:13 PM
    To Wallabee:

    Apparently you missed me saying this...
    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    I was not willing to settle for that so I sought help for myself. Sick parents are a burden, whether its physical or emotional. As adults, it is our job to rise to that occasion and seek what help is necessary for us to do just that.
    I love my family. Getting healthy for me definitely required intense self examination and also changed the dynamics of my family too. One person getting well in a dysfunctional system does not always have the happy ending you suggest though. You were fortunate it was well received. Some are not so lucky. That isn't an excuse, its just reality for some people. I understand the limitations of my family now and I work to keep the peace. And in no way do I subscribe to the "dump on mom/dad -- make excuses" thinking so hopefully you can see that was a misunderstanding about me.

    There is no overlooking though that really destructive stuff (not just addictions but other stuff too) it gets handed down, virtually unchecked sometimes, through the generations - studies have that well documented. I am not saying that excuses it, only that is HOW it continues to occur. I hear you that too many people use it as an excuse. I TOTALLY agree with you that is not fair, right or even adult behavior. I hope this clears it up for you. (My name is Val and you can feel free to use it whenever you want to address things to me too) :)

    The point of my post was to answer the question why do mothers hate their children with an answer that bascially said they don't mean to, they may not realise what they are doing and how that happens takes a big picture viewpoint to fully understand it. I was not siding with anyone.
    sexybeasty's Avatar
    sexybeasty Posts: 112, Reputation: 16
    Junior Member
     
    #20

    Feb 17, 2007, 11:57 PM
    I have seen some severe negativity from a mother that works right next to me at my postal job. She is angry with her teen son everyday and is always seeking sympathy for her situation. As a mother myself, I honestly do not understand her beefs. She is angry because her son's car has costly repairs. She is angry because he only has a B average and therefore states she will not pay for college. She is angry because he is chosing sports over a job. She is just plain angry and I am sure the boy knows there is more going on than normal parental concerns.

    She is a single parent, and I understand there are concerns. Honestly though, if you aren't willing to cut off your right arm for your children... don't have them. I even heard this particular mother state that her parents love her a lot more than her son. How ridiculous. There are obvious mental problems here.

    For children of mental cases such as this, please seek help. This way you can learn how to deal with the lack of love and maybe come to an understanding and find a way to bridge your gaps. Everybody needs a parent, but some people will just have to learn to be their own parents and even go so far as to learn to parent their own mothers and fathers. Sorry. But that may be the only sane answer... that and prayer. Blessings.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Surviving your mothers death [ 13 Answers ]

My Mother was killed in amotercycle accident on Thanksgiving of last year, 11-27-03 a date forever burned into my head, I am 28 yrs old and feel like I am going crazy really like I need to go to a hospital. Now my doctors do not seem to think so, and I don't always feel that way but my anxiety...

Modification/ Mothers Income [ 2 Answers ]

a "Motion of Modification" was sent to mother without the help of an attorney. (I printed papers from the web and sent to her.) She had 30 days to return and never did, I am assuming because it was just from me and not an attorney. Anyway, she turned around and served me with the same papers...

Happy mothers day [ 3 Answers ]

I just wanted to wish all the other mommies out there a happy moms day. Hope you all have gotten pampered, and got to sleep in. And for all the moms expecting happy moms day. Just cause their not here yet doesn't mean your not already mothering them. Big hugs all.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you Mommy's out there :) [ 2 Answers ]

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there, I hope all of you have a special day on Sunday with your child/children :) :) :). For some of you I know this Mother's Day will be particularly special because it is your 1st! I know last year was REALLY special for me, because Mother's Day used...


View more questions Search