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    HaneenH's Avatar
    HaneenH Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 19, 2011, 03:54 AM
    Why am I so obsessed and jealous of my husband's past? HELP...
    My husband and I have been together for a year. Two years prior to our relationship, my husband got out of a one year and a half long distance relationship with his ex-Fiance'. They were in love but things didn't really work out due to the pressure of being far away from each other, over time things got worse and she broke it off with him two weeks prior to the wedding !

    I am sure he was crushed but he also moved on. I know he loves me so much; he expresses it in words and actions. But every time I ask him about his past he gets kind of upset and tells me that past is past and that choosing to be with his ex was a mistake and he regrets it and hates to be reminded of it !

    My question is why am I so obsessed and Jealous that he was in love with someone before he loved me... What if he STILL loves her or loved her more, what if they were more compatible, what if they had more fun together or what if he was attracted to her more, and if it was a mistake just like he said, why did he stick around in that relationship for a year and a half? I know she was gorgeous and definitely was his type... What if what he had with her was more special that what we have now?!

    I just want this feeling to go away and start living a good marriage.. I'm tired and paranoid all the time cause of this subject, I keep wondering what if...

    I may sound childish but I really need some help cause this is starting to affect my marriage... btw I'm 27 and he's 32 years old, Thank You :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Jun 19, 2011, 11:00 AM

    Expressing your fears and insecurities over your husbands past with all those what ifs about a failed relationship can best be overcome by shutting up, and thinking before you act or speak. Stop and think about WHY you feel the way you do, instead of working to appreciate, and enjoy what you do have. What's in YOUR past that has you full of FEAR, now?
    jessi72's Avatar
    jessi72 Posts: 28, Reputation: 13
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    #3

    Jun 19, 2011, 01:59 PM
    Number one rule coming from a wife. If you have any fears about his former female companions, no not inquire, nag or become obsessed about it. It can ruin the relationship, and what's even worse:) it reminds him of that one constantly. So, you'll be the one reminding him about her. If you ever say her name in your house, be sure he will visualise her on the spot. That's what happens on a neuronal level in contact with the denominator. He'll hear her name and assign the body, face and gorgeous hair to what you said. Do you like that? The "what ifs" mentioned in your post are soooo superfluous that I have to agree with talaniman, you need to shut up and not only verbally, but inside your mind too. Were you dumped before for an ex?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #4

    Jun 19, 2011, 06:05 PM

    I don't think you sound childish. You do sound very insecure. Has he given you any concrete reason to feel that way or is there baggage from your past that is being unpacked?

    He doesn't want to discuss it. Respect that wish. Understand that it has nothing to do with you or his feelings for you. Just as your feelings in prior relationships have nothing to do with him.

    If it was painful, asking him about it is the same as ripping the scab off a healing cut and rubbing salt in the wound. Your constantly dwelling on it is doing the same thing to yourself. Let it heal for both of you.
    HaneenH's Avatar
    HaneenH Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jun 20, 2011, 12:08 AM
    Comment on talaniman's post
    You're right,, it may be related to issues I have from my own past and not his..
    HaneenH's Avatar
    HaneenH Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 20, 2011, 12:15 AM
    Comment on jessi72's post
    The thing is, I'm 27 and I've never been dumped before ! I really don't know how it feels. I was in a couple of long relationships few years back and I was the one who ended them... I don't know where all this insecurity is coming from ! The lack of experience may be what making me so insecure and paranoid
    HaneenH's Avatar
    HaneenH Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 20, 2011, 12:25 AM
    Comment on talaniman's post
    I was in love with someone for a few years but I had to let him go for some personal reasons. A few months after our break up he got married to someone he didn't even know. Although he's married but it didn't stop him from sending me messages telling me how much he misses me and will always love me... I stopped any sort of communication with him but it scares me that my husband turns out to be the same as this guy and might still have feelings for his ex... that's my issue
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #8

    Jun 20, 2011, 04:40 AM

    Bingo. Your last post says it all. You are projecting your situation onto that of your husband.

    Think about it logically, thousands and thousands of people break up and marry someone else. Do they all regret that choice? Of course not.

    So your husband gets upset when you mention his past. Of course he does. The fact that he has happily chosen you doesn't magically take away all past hurts. Some of those stay with us, even if it is only our pride that was wounded.

    Heck if I remember some painful treatment I had at the dentists in the past I still wince, doesn't mean I haven't moved on and will never go to the dentist again. Triggering painful memories will do that. But that's all they are - painful memories. They don't relate to the present. In the present your husband is with you and happy about it. So don't spoil that, celebrate it.
    jessi72's Avatar
    jessi72 Posts: 28, Reputation: 13
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    #9

    Jun 20, 2011, 04:53 AM
    Comment on jessi72's post
    The lack of confidence is making you paranoid. Look elsewhere in your existence, you are definitely not satisfied with something - education/career/looks/etc. I used to be insanely jealous when I was dissatisfied with my education or my career. Once you get everything on track, you'll see there's no need for jealousy as you'll see yourself as a great asset and he will look at you in the same manner.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #10

    Jun 20, 2011, 05:12 AM
    Let's presume that you have a loyal, faithful, and loving husband, who is telling the truth that he is truly over any past relationships, and that he married you, for you. Not because you reminded him of his last girlfriend/fiance, or that you were his second choice, or he that he married you because he was lonely, or afraid to be alone forever.

    So, you bring a third person into this marriage- his ex. For no good or logical reason, other than you are feeling not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or don't somehow measure up to her. You need constant reasurance that he truly is over her, and no matter how many times you ask, or how many times he tells you you are wrong, you doubt him, and continue to undermine your own marriage.

    Why do you have such doubts and insecurities about yourself that you question your husband's honesty, and need to be continuously told you are the one and only.

    Is this just this situation, your marriage, or do these feelings of insecurity go outside of the marriage to your job, with your friends, with family? Are you just feeling insecure with your husband in other words, or is this the way you are in other areas of your life.

    I suspect the latter. Perhaps the other woman is just the avenue you use to put your feelings into words. Perhaps the doubt you have about yourself carries on to not having self confidence in many things you do, and 'she' is just what you focus on to express it?

    Try your best to do as your husband has done long ago, and put this woman out of any and all conversations. Think about what you are thinking. Stop the thought when it happens, and figure out why it's happening. Get yourself a little notebook/diary, and hold the thought until you have some quiet time, and write it out instead of blurting it out. Add a before and after. What was happening before she popped back into your head, and what was happening after she did.

    This woman has become larger than life, and will ruin your relationship with your husband if you keep it up. But, while you may be able to put her to rest, unless you deal with why you are so insecure about yourself, she will simply be replaced by something, or somebody else.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Jun 20, 2011, 08:49 AM

    Its not at all unusual for your own fear to be projected in a way you can understand it. That's what most of us do, until we get to the root of that fear, but it takes time and a lot of self evaluation, and self honesty.

    Only then can we stop blaming outside influences on our own inner fears. For now though blaming the ex, or your husband past is the easiest route. What's flawed, is that you assume because you had feelings about an ex, that he has to have those same feelings. Usually such comparisons are destructive, misleading, and misguides due to a lack of real facts, or not accepting facts.

    But cheer up, now that you know that YOUR fear have nothing to do with your husband, but with YOU, then you can at least look in a better direction to uncover the truth about yourself.

    I think we all struggle with knowing ourselves, and coping with our own feelings. You are not alone, as this forum is full of folks struggling with there own feelings. It's a learning process, for sure. We all go through it. Some are quicker to learn than others, be we all learn, and grow from the experience.

    You are growing, whether you know it yet, or not, and the only thing that matters is how you handle the lessons you learn, going forward.
    HaneenH's Avatar
    HaneenH Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 21, 2011, 11:36 PM
    Thank you all for taking the time to discuss this... your opinions are very helpful.

    I agree with you all, it has to do with my insecurities and fear. But sometime a woman can sense if something is wrong. I know my husband loves me and as he always says the heart will only fall in love with one person at a time. But I can tell that he's not a 100% over her. The way he gets nervous when bringing up the ex subject and the fact that she was so pretty and totally his type and was the one who went after him till he committed; this tells me that it might be a bit hard for him to totally let go of her. He admitted that he loved her and now he loves me and the only difference is that she lost him but I managed to keep him around. It wasn't the answering I was hoping for but he's an honest guy,

    Will I ever have this fear go away ! At the moment I really don't know. Maybe I'm waiting for him to give me a small sign that says I am the special one, the one he always wanted and that she doesn't compare to me... will this day ever come!! I've got to be patient

    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Jun 22, 2011, 11:03 AM

    What you are seeking is him to assure you, when you need to stop comparing and assure yourself. Then you don't have to patiently wait for him to read your mind, and do as you want.


    But sometime a woman can sense if something is wrong.
    What's wrong is your own fears perceiving something is wrong, and I think it throws your senses way off.

    I know my husband loves me and as he always says the heart will only fall in love with one person at a time.
    I don't agree with your husband, some of us love many, for all kinds of reasons. But its okay for him to feel as he does, and actually you should take a lot of comfort in the fact that he does feel that way. My issue is WHY DON'T YOU??

    But I can tell that he's not a 100% over her. The way he gets nervous when bringing up the ex subject and the fact that she was so pretty and totally his type and was the one who went after him till he committed; this tells me that it might be a bit hard for him to totally let go of her.
    Stop bring up the ex!!! If you keep her alive in his mind, and keep old feelings and memories always stirred up, then he will never be able to put this behind him, and no doubt its pure torture for him, and you, and its of YOUR own doing.

    Unless I miss something, he never mentions her, its you that do, because you act out of your own fears, and you are the only who can change it as any man would be nervous if a mate is constantly harping on the ex, and just me, I would get tired enough of it to tell you get over yourself, drop the whole subject, and never mention it again, and if you couldn't, I would be out in a flash. Not only is this unhealthy, but highly irritating.

    Instead what you should be saying and doing is admitting you have those fears, and promise him you will work on controlling them, and stop letting them ruin what could be a happy life. That would be honest, and if you follow through and think before you act, or speak, and not just allow your fears to make you carried away, then maybe you get it under control, and can put HER behind you.

    If he is indeed the one bringing her up, you simply tell him to drop the subject. I doubt he does though, am I right? This is all about you!!

    He admitted that he loved her and now he loves me and the only difference is that she lost him but I managed to keep him around. It wasn't the answering I was hoping for but he's an honest guy,
    Sorry, but I had to laugh at this one, having loved many in the past, and still do to some extent. He loved her at the time, but now that he is with you, that love is in the past, a bitter sweet memory he will carry forever. I am shocked you never have past memories come up, so you could relate, and know how the mind works sometimes. Then you would understand what we all go through, and deal with in our lives. Old memories of past experiences, that are constantly being replaced, and updated in our minds by new experiences. That's just life.

    Will I ever have this fear go away!
    NO! But you will learn by THINKING FIRST, before you ACT, or SPEAK, how to better manage your fear, or forever push your husband away with it.

    At the moment I really don't know.
    Of course you don't, but if you take a few suggestions here, you will be able to move forward without fear, because you will start being less dependent on him to reassure you, and more able to assure yourself.

    Maybe I'm waiting for him to give me a small sign that says I am the special one, the one he always wanted and that she doesn't compare to me... will this day ever come!! I've got to be patient
    Stop waiting for him to cure you, and work on curing yourself. It IS your responsibility to yourself not his. Heck, you have already shown that whatever he does to reassure YOU, you don't believe any way. Poor guy, he probably has been showing his love, and has been constantly ignored by you, and maybe you need some help to see reality, so your sense will be more accurate.

    Get it, if you need it, and find out what YOU are really afraid of. SOON!!

    I was in love with someone for a few years but I had to let him go for some personal reasons. A few months after our break up he got married to someone he didn't even know. Although he's married but it didn't stop him from sending me msgs telling me how much he misses me and will always love me... I stopped any sort of communication with him but it scares me that my husband turns out to be the same as this guy and might still have feelings for his ex... that's my issue


    Its you who have not dealt with, nor let go of the past, not him! This is your issue, not his, you are correct
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #14

    Jun 22, 2011, 03:11 PM

    Another brilliant response Tal.

    Haneen, you are looking for the wrong thing. You are waiting for some sign that your husband compares you favourably to an ex.

    What you should be looking for is the ability to stop comparing yourself to anyone else. It is you that are doing so not him.

    I think it might benefit you to explore why you feel this way with a counsellor. Living with this constant need for reassurance isn't going to be good for you or your relationship.
    nidhiarora16's Avatar
    nidhiarora16 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jun 28, 2011, 12:30 PM
    I am also facing the same problem I got married to my husband last year. He mentioned me about his girl friend before marriage but I never doubted him before but recently I don't know I started asking him about his ex. My main concern is that he should have never slept with her before me and if he have he should tell me. I have been questioning him about her he have told me that he had relation only for 1 year in college and also he told me that he didn't wanted to marry that girl because of culture differences so he didn't want to sleep with her. He also told me having sex before marriage is not considered right for him. He also told me that I can ask his ex and clear up my mind so that we can happily live after that. He also mentioned that he just kissed her few times and once she tried to get closer to him but he stopped her. He also swear to god and parents that he have not done anything. But I do not believe anything he say, I do not know why I can't believe him I still get doubt that he is lying to me, he is hiding something from me. I don't know how to overcome this situation. Should I contact his ex to clarify my doubts?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #16

    Jun 28, 2011, 02:32 PM

    nidhiarora16 has already started her own thread and we can address her problems there:
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...em-584538.html

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