My 18 year old daughter almost failed out her first semester of college. My husband and I in good faith gave her a second chance with lots of encouragement and guidelines on how to handle herself differently the second semester. She didn't go to see her advisor, moved in with her 22 year old boyfriend and is now going to fail for the 2nd semester. She wants us to now pay for summer school. We refused, told her to come home, get a job and figure out what she wants to do with her life. I have tried talking to her and reasoning with her... she called me an ******* and a *****! She is moving in with her boyfriend for the summer, not working and is not thinking about anything but hanging out. She doesn't want a relationship with us unless we pay her way and let her go back to retake classes that she failed. I don't know what to do... she won't stay in touch with us and she views us as worthless. We are heartbroken because we love her but we can't enable her to continue on this path. Will she ever come to her senses? We are not thrilled with her boyfriend and we think that she is way too young to move in with a man. I worry about her getting pregnant and if she will ever contact us again to let us know that she is OK. I feel like she is trying to manipulating us... Help!!

I guess its time to practice 'tough love' distressed. Time to cut the apron strings and give her some links to student loans if she wants to continue her education. Either way, it is a no win situation, but what else do you see doing. You have to keep on saying, no and no and no, we won't enable you, until she gets the idea that she can't draw tears any longer.

She is not trying to manipulate you, she has already done and will continue to do until you put down your foot and tell her absolutely, no more, and don't think you are the only parents that have done that.

She has no respect for either one of you and she has to learn respect all over again (if she ever had it that is) and it won't happen as long as you enable her.

Tick

Thanks... you are so right but it is so difficult to not have any type of contact with her right now... I worry about her and she knows this and uses it against me. I am trying to stay strong but it is tearing me apart! I know that the future is not predictable but will she ever come back into our lives?

Oh, dear, I feel for you. I've been there done that, but under different circumstances.

Eventually, when she grows up, she will come back into your life. Until then you have to remain strong and stick to your convictions. She has already cost you how much money in tuition? She doesn't have a proven track record, so you are doing the right thing.

Remember that she is an adult now. It's time for her to not only cut the apron strings, but also to be responsible for herself. You may not like the boyfriend, but he is her choice. You need to bite your tongue and be as nice as possible.

Most likely he will learn her mooching ways and tell her to move. When, and if, that happens you support her. Until then, let her be the adult she thinks she is.

Distressed - I could have written your post. To say I am devastated by this stranger who has seems to be living in my daughter's body probably speaks to my own instability! But really, it makes me just want get in bed and cry. I wasn't like this, my older daughter wasn't like this, and it just blows my entire morality code out of the water to accept "oh it's okay for her to be vicious and hateful, she's just growing up". I'm taking the tough love approach and dis-engaging; not paying for next year's tuition or rent, or the car or the insurance. Our basic personalities are very, very similar, and I am mostly worried that if I walk away from it emotionally, I won't be able to be there if she wants to come back. Ugh - not a good time (and I'm kind of tired of being the adult... )

Hi... I am sorry you are going through this as well. My husband and I are both well educated, we have a loving family, she has had a great "childhood" and has been given a lot both emotionally and materialistically... We can't figure out why she is behaving the way she is... All I can advise is that you tell her that the door is always open if things don't work out with her current situation.(as long as there is respect for your rules) I know how hard it is... every day is a struggle... Your only hope is that she gets tired of the situation and gets a good dose of reality and what it is like to be on her own and perhaps she will wake up and realize what she has lost. We went on vacation last week without her because she was still at school... this seemed to bother her when she saw pictures of us all together and happy as a family... she started to text us and call us again... Good luck and let me know if you come up with any strategies that work!!

Thanks... she has cost us about 27K in money lost... honestly, I can handle losing money but seeing my daughter on such a destructive path is much more upsetting than any money loss I could incur. I have cried a river and I haven't said such nice things about her boyfriend lately because he came to our home and picked up our 16 year old son and took him in his car without our permission. He is trying to manipulate the rest of her siblings... It is a huge mess... my daughter has no respect for our family, our hard work that paid for her first year of college and now is trying to turn the rest of the family against us with her 22 year old boyfriend because he knows that we don't approve of him! Any advice?

Comment by distressed27: my daughter has no respect for our family, our hard work that paid for her first year of college and now is trying to turn the rest of the family against us with her 22 year old boyfriend because he knows that we don't approve of him! Any advice?

Why not embrace the boyfriend? Invite him over for a meal and be welcoming and cordial to him. You might get more flies with honey than with vinegar.

We tried that approach at first and he did something totally against our wishes one night... he totally disrespected our family rules, my husband and I. So now there are hard feelings between all of us. He is working on my daughters psyche and trying to pit her against us! He is a "controlling" person and has to know every move she makes... They are living 100 miles away from our home. If we make arrangements to see her, he changes her plans for the weekend and then makes it hard for us to follow through with any plans to see her... So frustrating!!

OK... so I need some advice again... my daughter is home from college. She didn't move in with her boyfriend but she returned to us in May with a bruise on her face from her boyfriend. She is on the phone with him all the time and all they do is fight. He also verbally abuses her. He has such a strong hold on her... he won't let her get a job, he doesn't want her to be out with friends. He wants her at home, by herself and isolated. She is "brainwashed" by him. She has no means to go and see him (he lives in another state) and we will not help her in any way to see him. We have been advised by a counselor to cut off all ties between the two... block his number, limit her calls, computer use,etc. It is an unhealthy relationship and we want her to be safe. It seems like the only sensible thing to do is to keep them apart... While trying to do this... she wants him all the more. I don't want my daughter to end up with any more bruises or even worse. Do we take a hard line and keep her away from this animal or do we take our chances and let things be? She is in counseling but this "love" (as sick as it seems) has such a strong hold on her... I don't want a Romeo and Juliet scenario but I don't think that I could live with myself if anything happened to her if we allowed her to be back with the "animal"... Does anyone out there have any suggestions??

Distressed - sorry to hear your situation is continuing. At 18, she's an adult and responsible for her choices. Our approach was to withdraw financial support, but keep the emotional doors open. My daughter's response was to stop all contact with her family and move to another state with the troll, where they are apparently living in happy poverty. I feel strongly that if my daughters live in my house, and ask me to support them, they need to abide by my rules (including things like blocking contact with cretins). But the downside to that approach is that they can certainly opt to move out. This has been a painful time for us, and I do not regret the decision I made. I cannot control her, I cannot control him - I can only control (or try) how I react to it. I spend a lot of time remembering that the time for "managing her life" is over, and we are now in the unconditional love part of our relationship. But every day - every single day at some point - I find myself near tears and feel like I would do anything, give anything to just have her safely back in the nest.

KS1960... I am so sorry that your situation is still going on as well... I guess we should be thankful that she is with us in our home so we can somewhat monitor her safety and well being.. I am not used to ruling with such an iron fist but she has pushed us to our limits. I can only imagine your worry... but please know that the flip side... having her in our home is extremely stressful on all of us everyday. Most days, I cry because I just can't take the extreme stress. I wish things were different but I am trying to deal with this one day at a time. I do hope that your daughter will see the light and wake up. You sound very strong and have the right attitude. They are adults and we can't "manage" their lifes but oh boy... the poor choices that they are making! I hope that eventually, we both have happy stories to share. I keep reminding myself that this is just 1 Chapter in her book of life... Take good care!