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ckmon · Apr 25, 2011, 10:39 AM

I am going out with my boyfriend about a year now and he has trouble with sex. He can get turned on easily and there is never any problems with oral sex. But when we try have sex he becomes soft. He's only 22 and very fit and healthy. We've never had proper sex in the year we are together and I just don't know what to do any more! I've asked him to see a doctor and he refuses! Please help me!

thinktank11 · Apr 25, 2011, 11:21 AM

May be he feels lazy for doing proper sex.his excitement may be finishing in foreplay only.talk to him

CravenMorhead · Apr 25, 2011, 12:40 PM

Are you using condoms? Do they fit well? Does he abuse any substances? Alcohol? Tobacco? Weed? Etc? How is he for stress/exhaustion?

Seeing a doctor for ED at his age would be a daunting thing. How pushy have you been with that?

I assume he finds you attractive? What reason has he given for his flaccidity?

Cat1864 · Apr 25, 2011, 01:31 PM

How old are you?

At what point does he lose his erection?

There are a lot of things that can cause this problem.

It could be a mental block from concerns about a possible pregnancy.

If he is stopping to put on a condom, he may not be staying stimulated enough.

If he masturbates a lot, intercourse may not be giving him the physical stimulation he needs.

If he is concentrating more on pleasing you than just enjoying the sensations, he be distracting himself.

Pressure to perform may also be adding to the problem. Not just from you (even if you don't mean to apply pressure), but from himself.

As Craven asked, have you discussed the issues? Listening to him as well as trying to help him determine what the cause might be.

450donn · Apr 25, 2011, 01:36 PM

How much porn does he watch daily?

Synnen · Apr 25, 2011, 02:32 PM

Have you ASKED him what the problem is?

martinizing2 · Apr 26, 2011, 08:51 AM

How experienced is he?
He could be having issues with not performing well.
Stress and anxiety are erection killers and he
May be subject to them for various reasons.

Always the best thing you can do is communicate.
Talk to him about it.

ckmon · Apr 26, 2011, 04:22 PM

I'm 20 and no he uses no drugs doesn't smoke and barely drinks. We where trying with condoms and it never worked so I got a depot injection! I tried to get him to see a doctor and he said he can't, he's not comfortable with the idea. As far as I know he doesn't masterbate a lot and doesn't watch porn. I try talk about it and recently he's saying he's just tired which I feel is just an excuse. I've given up trying to push it anymore as I don't want to pressure him about it.

martinizing2 · Apr 26, 2011, 05:09 PM

I'm 20 and no he uses no drugs doesn't smoke and barely drinks. We where trying with condoms and it never worked so I got a depot injection! I tried to get him to see a doctor and he said he can't, he's not comfortable with the idea. As far as I know he doesn't masterbate a lot and doesn't watch porn. I try talk about it and recently he's saying he's just tired which I feel is just an excuse. I've given up trying to push it anymore as I don't want to pressure him about it.

Low pressure is a good idea , but don't give up.
Since you said you've not had "proper sex" since you have been
Together , this is not just going to go away and stands a good
Chance of becoming much more of a problem.

Keep the communication going whenever you can.
I still suspect he may have performance anxiety
Are you familiar with each others sexual past?
(which is usually a tough and mostly unnecessary subject.
It can cause many problems , but may be a clue to the present)
This could be related to a past relationship.

Being tired does not last for a year... usually.

ckmon · Apr 26, 2011, 05:32 PM

We've discussed the past not in that much detail and as far as I know he has had a similar problem previously but not as bad! Also I am his longest girlfriend so I probably wouldn't have been a huge problem! I find myself feeling unwanted unloved and unattractive and I often end up crying! I really appreciate all the comments as all my close friends are also friends with him and it wouldn't be fair on him.

CravenMorhead · Apr 27, 2011, 07:33 AM

I really hate saying this.

How invested are you in this relationship and is this something you can live with for the rest of your life. Being sexually incompatible is not the be all end all of a relationship but strains in the bed room will surface in other parts of the relationship. The feelings of being unloved, unwanted, and unattractive aren't all that rational so his rational excuses won't stop these thoughts from surfacing.

I am not saying that you should dump him, but I think you REALLY need to step back and take a look at the relationship as a whole and decide where it is going. If this is something that you will not be able to deal with as the relationship progresses then you should move on. If it is something you can deal with then you should really find a way to deal with and continue on.

He is essentially refusing treatment so he doesn't want to get better. Why should it be on you to adapt to him?

ckmon · May 3, 2011, 04:41 PM

Sorry about the late reply! Honestly he is a great guy and he treats me very well! He makes me laugh and takes care of me. He brings me nice places and always makes time for me. In the last year he had become my best friend and my family and friends a think he's great! He's graduated with a BA and is currently doing his masters so he's well read and interesting to talk to! I know I we are both still young and I don't know how long we will last but right now I don't want to give up on the relationship. I asked again if he would see a doctor during the summer and he said maybe so I think I should try that first!

Cat1864 · May 3, 2011, 04:46 PM

Making certain he is healthy is always a good place to start.

I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck.