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    Mama Bear's Avatar
    Mama Bear Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 7, 2007, 10:55 PM
    Why is my 16 year old son so mean to me?
    I am just devastated by the way my son treats me. Tonight he called me a ho and tells me every day that I am worthless. I have been here for him while his father, my ex husband went years without seeing him at all. I have helped him so much and tried so hard to give him a decent life. I am off work right now because my older son was seriously injured in an IED blast in Afghanistan last year and it put me right over the edge. I am trying to get my life back together but every day he tears me back down. He is 6'6" tall and over 200 pounds, very intimidating when he is angry, which is often. He hates everything I say and do. I have tried everything from ignoring him, to taking him to counseling (where he will not talk or says everything is fine) to disciplining him, to no avail. His father is no help as he blames me as he always has. We have been divorced since my son was three years old. I am a professional with three university degrees which I did while raising my kids as a single parent. I have given my kids the best life I can. Now all I get is abuse. It is sad but I really feel worn out and hopeless.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #2

    Mar 8, 2007, 12:18 AM
    All you can do is be the parent and do the right thing.

    See how he is in several years.

    I wasn't mean like this to my mother, but I was the brooding-leave-me-alone teen.

    Sometime around when I was, oh, 23 or 24 I started understanding what my mother did for me.

    I know he's big. I know he's intimidating. I think all you can do is demand respect from him. In time he will either come around or not.

    You can't bear guilt about this. You've done a good job. Just because he treats you poorly doesn't mean you haven't done a good job. Teenage years are killer, and he's more out of control than many... but he is choosing to do this.

    At the end of the day you need to look at yourself and ask are you meeting your obligations as a parent and have you loved your son. Your answer is yes. You have nothing more to answer for.

    Give him time and continue to demand respect. Hopefully he will, in time, recognize what you've given him.

    Some people never seem to get past this phase. Some do.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Mar 8, 2007, 03:04 PM
    Take a bat to the disrespectful SOB. You don't have to take that in your own home, and why are you afraid of your own son?
    Wiglet's Avatar
    Wiglet Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Mar 9, 2007, 04:47 PM
    Speaking as a mother of a teenager I sympathise, the slamming doors, the rude mouth, the sometimes unforgivable answerbacks.

    A couple of ideas which you may or may not want to try.

    Have you tried the 'packing his bags trick'?
    Next time it gets too much, get a big bag and get his his clothes and put them in the bag and tell him to find someone else to look after him?

    The way your post is worded sounds like you and he underneath it all have had a very caring relationship in the past and he would be shocked by that tactic. A friend did this and I never thought I would do it till I found myself doing it. I was angry with myself until it worked!

    Another thought is to write your son a letter. Tell him exactly what you do for him and how he is making you feel. Kids don't listen to us when you talk/shout at them and they switch off. But if you give him the letter and ask him to read it, he may take stock of it and acknowledge how much you do for him and appreciate you a little more.

    Just a last word which may help. A friend's son is 19 and when another friend was having a hard time with her son, this 19 year old said to me, "Don't worry, another couple of years and he'll grow out of it". I liked that.

    Good luck
    Dr D's Avatar
    Dr D Posts: 698, Reputation: 127
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    #5

    Mar 9, 2007, 05:39 PM
    You have allowed your son to assume the position of the Alpha Male, when in fact you are the Alpha Female. You must reassert your rightlul status. Labman could provide sage advice from his experience with canines. I think the principles are pretty much the same. If he threatens you physically, call the authorities and have him thrown in the slammer. He is behaving like a brute who has not learned proper respect for his mother who provides for him. Get all the backup from friends, co-workers, authorities etc. that you can muster and put him in his place. I wish you all the best.
    tinsign's Avatar
    tinsign Posts: 275, Reputation: 66
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    #6

    Mar 9, 2007, 06:05 PM
    Honey my heart goes out to you but as a parent myself, yes a single mother of 2 adult sons now let me tell you something
    As a teen my oldest was 6'0 and weighed almost as much as your son yes those older teen years are tough to deal with.. BUT YOU must act and show who is in control not him showing you.. IF you put your foot down and say enough and the next time he starts this crap with you knock his feet out from under him.. trust me it works cause they are looking up thinking WOW SHE MEANS BUSINESS.
    NOW you may be smaller than him but heck I am only 5'5 and only weighed at time 120 but that along with my tone of voice left no room for any crap out of him.
    If you cannot control him and he has no respect then (I have said this to others) send him to boot camp let him learn once and for all that YOU DEMAND AND EXPECT RESPECT.. HE IS THE CHILD AND IS OUT OF CONTROL.
    NOW hunny get that backbone rigid and stick to this.. he is not the only child you have to focus on and if dad don't like it then tough diddley beans.. let dad take him or it is off to bootcamp.
    sophia3x's Avatar
    sophia3x Posts: 14, Reputation: 7
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    #7

    Mar 9, 2007, 06:30 PM
    When I saw just the title of your thread I thought: SINGLE MOM. Bad marriage...Ugh!

    I feel for you.

    Your son is not mad at you. He is mad at your Ex. (he may blame you for the divorce but I think the inability to express himself to his dad is the issue). But he cannot tell him, so you have to take it. Classic Psych 101.
    It SUCKS! Some young males are not wired that way, but some just are and are going to challenge you.

    So what do you do?

    Since he's not a small child, you cannot simply "lay down the law" with a raised voice. You must sit down with him "man to man" and tell him that you love him and you are sorry that his dad is not there, and you want him to succeed in life. But you cannot accept his disrespect anymore.

    You love him, but you want him to get into college, get a good job and you're doing all you can. Then I would ask him WHAT he hates about you and can you address it? He may not be used to that sort of peer respect and dialogue.

    Just let him know that you ( and/or realtives, cops, counselor) will immediately deal with the things that are disrespectful - and every good action will be rewarded and every bad action will be punished... really.

    You may literally have to start taking things away bit by bit. He may see that his world has consequences and dates, cars, friends, clothes, allowance, trips may be going away - and HE is to blame. If you cannot enforce this, get help. You and he cannot live like that.

    Also, if you can afford a family therapist I would seek one ASAP.

    He wants your love and negative attention is what he feeds of for now. If he allows himself to be respectful and affectionate, he thnks he will be forgiving his father and acccepting his reality - and he cannot let that go. That is a heavy burden to carry and he wants to let it go. But it could take him YEARS without counseling. One day a lightbulb WILL go off in him though.....

    Thoughts and prayers to you.
    tishee_76's Avatar
    tishee_76 Posts: 64, Reputation: 4
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    #8

    Mar 9, 2007, 07:34 PM
    Mmm..
    That theory figures sophia3x..
    Sounds like, if you can't hurt the one you hate... Hurt the one your with..
    But unfortunately you see that behaviour beginning in even younger children..

    Just a question Mama Bear, have you asked him why he's so aggressive toward you?
    What was his response?
    TooSweet18's Avatar
    TooSweet18 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 9, 2007, 07:57 PM
    I know it would be wrong but beat his let him know who is in charge.Don't let him called you a ho and all type of names.Just tell him if he don't start respecting you then he is going to have to leave.. You let him know he is not paying no bills or nothing but I hope this helps...
    istack's Avatar
    istack Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Mar 10, 2007, 06:09 AM
    I feel badly for you I have a 15 year old daughter who is a nightmare to live with, the only time she's nice to me is when she wants something and as soon as she gets it she goes back to being herself. I don't know where everyone is from but in CT you can't kick a 16 year old out of the house, although they can come and go and you are responsible for them until the age of 18. Have you tried any programs with the school? They may be able to help with resources - good luck I will pray for you
    ksatagaj's Avatar
    ksatagaj Posts: 35, Reputation: 7
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    #11

    Jun 12, 2007, 03:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mama Bear
    I am just devastated by the way my son treats me. Tonite he called me a ho and tells me every day that I am worthless. I have been here for him while his father, my ex husband went years without seeing him at all. I have helped him so much and tried so hard to give him a decent life. I am off work right now because my older son was seriously injured in an IED blast in Afghanistan last year and it put me right over the edge. I am trying to get my life back together but each and every day he tears me back down. He is 6'6" tall and over 200 pounds, very intimidating when he is angry, which is often. He hates everything I say and do. I have tried everything from ignoring him, to taking him to counseling (where he will not talk or says everything is fine) to disciplining him, to no avail. His father is no help as he blames me as he always has. We have been divorced since my son was three years old. I am a professional with three university degrees which I did while raising my kids as a single parent. I have given my kids the best life I can. Now all I get is abuse. It is sad but I really feel worn out and hopeless.
    I agree with Sophia 3X- I have been through much of the same- my son is older- he is 24. His Dad was hardly ever around, but nonetheless, when we split- I was the one who got all the blame- "maybe if you hadn't nagged him so much, yelled so much......" It was all MY fault. All you can do is TRY to talk to him- let him know how much you love him. Spend time with just him. The last one is what I wish I had done more of- I tried to spend as much time as I could with him- but boys are hard. In my own way, I tried. I spent time with my daughter, and tried to force my then husband to spend time with his son- took my daughter out for ice cream and videos- and when I got home, my son was sitting by himself on the couch while my ex-husband played on the computer. Not so sure about the counseling thing, though- your son sounds a lot like mine- I tried taking him a couple of times too, and he told me that he knows how to say what every one wants to hear. Your problem is that you have to stop beating yourself. That is mine too. I think that is a lot of women's problems. You sound like a good Mom to me. You need to let your son know that too.
    misskobe's Avatar
    misskobe Posts: 20, Reputation: 10
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    #12

    Jun 22, 2007, 02:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mama Bear
    I am just devastated by the way my son treats me. Tonite he called me a ho and tells me every day that I am worthless. I have been here for him while his father, my ex husband went years without seeing him at all. I have helped him so much and tried so hard to give him a decent life. I am off work right now because my older son was seriously injured in an IED blast in Afghanistan last year and it put me right over the edge. I am trying to get my life back together but each and every day he tears me back down. He is 6'6" tall and over 200 pounds, very intimidating when he is angry, which is often. He hates everything I say and do. I have tried everything from ignoring him, to taking him to counseling (where he will not talk or says everything is fine) to disciplining him, to no avail. His father is no help as he blames me as he always has. We have been divorced since my son was three years old. I am a professional with three university degrees which I did while raising my kids as a single parent. I have given my kids the best life I can. Now all I get is abuse. It is sad but I really feel worn out and hopeless.
    Well my teenage son who is 16 doesn't call me a Ho ~ but he is extremely disrespectful , like he is one step away from going over the line. Yelling at him is hopeless I see that with my son . I tried to be really nice but that too seems to not help . My son is taller then me and is intimidating too . It is really tough with kids this age. I saw an interview somewhere that OK , kids have problems sometimes , they don't have perfect personalities etc. But it isn't your job to make them a good person or to even to make them happy 24/7 . Sometimes the best thing you can do is guide them the best you can in the right diretion , but they make their own decisions and choices at this age. I would have to say try to save your own sanity before trying to improve his attitude. I am working on this myself because my teen son makes me feel like I will go insane . So sometimes I just zone out of that worried , depression that I get into when my son makes me feel bad. Sometimes I just shut the thoughts of him out of my mind. I tell myself that he will be an adult and that I can only do so much and then he will go one day and hopefully he will be a better person . I know easier said than done. It is so distressing I know , but take it from me , I go through it too and so do many many others. So you are not alone. Just hang in there.
    horserider4life's Avatar
    horserider4life Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 21, 2011, 01:20 PM
    I'm sorry that this is happening to you I think that you should take him counseling to see what the problem is and if he is just being rude and disrespectful just for show you need to smack him and show him who runs the show.

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