Hi, any help would be appreciated but please be gentle on me. Im in a fragile state at the moment. To give you some background and to cut a long story short, I have been a single parent for 18 years to a son. He left home very unexpectedly when he was 18 and with an inheritance from his grandfather bought his own home, few miles away from me.

We had an exceptionally close and loving relationship until he left home. I do so much for him. I only work part time, so have spare time, so am glad to help out with errands for him and I clean his house weekly. We see each other twice, maybe three times a week but not for long periods. Over the past 6 months he has been aggressive, rude, impatient, self absorbed, just generally horrible to me. He criticises everything I say, do, wear. He nags me about everything and anything. We never have a relaxed, pleasant time together. Im hanging on in there because he is my only surviving family. Apart from friends he is the only family connection I have and I just miss so desperately the loving lad he used to be.

I wonder where I went wrong. Hes selfish beyond belief, even all his friends say he speaks to me horribly.

I don't know what to do. Im frightened if I say anything, that I then won't see him for weeks. We are in contact daily by email or text whilst he's at work but haven't heard from him now for 2 days, which is unheard of. Im worried Im losing him and our relationship will never be the same again.

I can't eat, sleep, he's constantly on my mind and the whole thing is stressing me out.

You have been making a common and simple mistake - hanging on. You shouldn't be cleaning his house, for starters. That is emblematic of the entire situation. Let him feel adult, free, independent, and self-sufficient. Let him find someone to love intimately, someone not his mother, and let him do it all by himself, and don't ask or make a single peep about it.

When he is ready, all those years of love from you will be fruitful and he will be back to see you.

It's difficult to cut those ties, but you need to at least loosen them a bit more. It is part of the natural process for him to spread his wings, learn to take care of himself, and manage his life.

I would stop cleaning his house for him and try to back off on contacting him as often. Allow him to ease into doing more for himself. That is part of parenting... preparing him the best that you can so that one day he won't need you as much. Hard to take sometimes when you still want him to need you, but by hovering so much you are actually holding him back and it sounds like he is starting to resist. His backing off is not that he doesn't care but he is letting you know he needs his space.

The more you push for it, the more he will push away... and I know that is not what you want.

Consider seeking full-time work if you have a desire to fill more of your time. Perhaps volunteer some of your free time for a cause you have an interest in... hospital setting or animal shelter for example. By serving others, you will satisfy the need to be helpful and feel needed.

Your son will experience the satisfaction of doing for himself, you will feel good about helping people or animals that need your assistance, and most likely you both will find that your relationship takes on a new chapter as you become more adult to adult instead of parent to child.

Negative ratings on this site are for factual errors ONLY, not matters of opinion.
As you can see, the next responder felt the same about cleaning.
If you don't get it, as you seem determined not to, then you are not in as fragile a state as you claim, and merely want to hear what you want to hear. I feel really bad for your son. He probably loved you and wants to love you still, but at this rate, you will lose him completely.

And now you are not likely to get anyone to respond here, gently or not.

Well that's taught me to never go online thinking that you will get a helpful answer to something. What an absolutely horrible, blunt, know-all person you sound. You don't know any of the facts. I didn't write a long winded question because I didn't want to bore people. If you knew the whole story you wouldn't be focusing on stupid comments about housework. I don't offer to do anything for him, he has a busy life and he asks me. My point was that he is abusive, rude and uncaring. That has nothing whatsoever to do with what I do for him, its his whole attitude. You feel bad for my son - how dare you! He couldn't have had a more, loving and caring mother in the whole world, who has given up 18 years of her own life to put her child first. I have only ever been selfless and now Im getting it all thrown back in my face. You obviously aren't intelligent enough to realise that this has nothing to do with physical things, its somehow emotional, which is why I needed help

Spoonies123

I think we have a failure to communicate.

The people here will give you the answer they think will help the most with the problem you posted.

There is no problem about long winded posts ( if you break up the paragraphs so it is easy to read unlike a huge block of text) In fact, the more information you give the more accurate the responses will be.

Some answers may be blunt, harsh and cold. Some situations cannot be warm and fuzzy answers.

I was rude when I presumed you spoiled your son like I said in joy's post and if I am wrong I apologize. But if we don't have the whole story it will cause inaccuracies such as this to pop up.

joypulv answered you armed with the information you provided and gave you some good advice even though you do not make the connection between ;what a person does , will affect how the person feels" which is a valid and factual point.

I understand the emotional state that arises when the kids start moving out and do not want help , or advice , or anything that lessens their independence
It was hard for me to deal with too. All five times it happened.

It would be better if you did give the whole story . That would lessen the chance of misunderstandings and increase the value of the answers.

And if someone is rude or seems to be , it is not helpful or correct to be rude back. Quoting you,

This statement is uncalled for and rude. Without question. If it were me, I would apologize if I said something like this. (Realizing emotional stress can set a person off , and you are by your admission emotionally stressed)

It does seem obvious that there is much more than meets the eye going on here and I know the people here can help, but we all need to keep open minds and respect each others opinions if we agree or not.

If someone takes the time to answer it is because they care enough to try to help, and do it voluntarily because they care.

If you want to, fill us in on the rest of the details and see if that helps us help you.
And that is what this site is all about.

My dear, your son is going through what is natural and absolutetly normal for a boy his age. He wants to be an adult, but he is right on the cusp. In his mind, he is a 'grown man' and doesn't need his 'mommy' taking care of him.
You sound like a wonderful mother. And you have done a good job from what I can tell. Give him a few years to mature. Keep in contact with him. Call him. visit him, but try to back up a little bit and let him make his own mistakes, get his own regrets, and maybe even get into a little trouble. After he has matured a few more years, I assure you, he will be back to build an adult relationship with you eagerly. But for now, he is trying to break the ties of 'mommy' and 'child'


Good luck hon. I also suggest that with your extra time you have, take a community center class, or join a group or some other social activity. Surround yourself with other mothers of 'almost there' adult children.

Hi... I can sense that your whole world revolves round your son. Take one day at a time and don't stress yourself. Easier said than done.. sure but what is the point of making yourself ill ! Do as much as makes you happy and find some volunteer work or hobby that can absorb your time. If there is love.. and I get the feeling that there is plenty.. he will come around. You miss the good times with him.. they will be back if you stand up for yourself. He is trying to make a mark in the world and establish his identity. Support him but do not stand insubordination. It is difficult but not impossible. I am in a similar situation myself.. one that I never imagined I would be in... being blamed for all that goes wrong! God Bless !

Hi Spoonies123.. how have you been? Have you heard from your son? I know how it feels not to hear from a child you have devoted yourself to since he was born. Your life must revolve round him! It is impossible to not to do things for him.. you probably adore him and worship him. This happens often when the father is not around and one has been a single mother... not many people understand the feeling and the intensity of your love for your child. However, such children become self centred especially if they have no siblings ! I don't know how to console you but you must take care of yourself and stop stressing.. I am preaching but am unable to put it into practice.. but I try everyday! I want to be able to love my child but also learn how to detach myself to a degree.. as excessive attachment or excessive love too can be a bad thing ! Practice moderation in everything.. even in love! Have a nice day!

I can relate! My son is 33, we were always close & in the last 3 yrs he has changed. He yells @ me, hungs up on me, will go 6 months without talking to me,etc. Being around him is like walking on egg shells, what will set him off next? I've learned to step back & wait. How sad & a waste of preious time on earth. Hang in there Moms!

Dear How to handle adult disrespectful son: I am so relating to how you are feeling. So in my post I just hope to share my scenario, she how I felt and hope that others will examine my plight and help me too. Also I wanted to say that someone once shared with me that we cannot hear inflection in writing, so we as humans fill in that inflection, which often may put a new spin onto a written document. So what I do is try to really clarify someone's intent before reacting. Kind of like assume - ***/u/me - smile. So anyhoo. I have a 27 year old and 22 year old. My first child was born to me when I was 19 years old. I was married to a soldier. In our first couple months of marriage, I was hell bent on having a baby. Don't ask me why? (I think I wanted someone to love me). My son was my everything. I didn't even want anymore kids after he came. He was my very best friend. I loved him and protected him and wanted no harm to come to him. Well, happily, five and a half years later my 2nd son was born. Oh how I love him with every fiber of my being. And I can honestly say my love for them is equal, but your first born does hold this invisible "first" stamp. I was in labor for nearly 12 hours. Hard labor. I swear, I died and came back to life - I know it. Well this child has now turned vicious on me. He is mean and self centered and disrespectful. He was such a good son from birth to about 20 years old. He got mad at me because I was trying to provide guidance to him as he became an adult but he had all the answers, so he moved out and I did not chase him. I was extremely hurt but I knew he'd need me before I needed him (or at least I hoped). Well, sure enough, he gets in a jam and though he didn't ask me for my help, I showed up. Everyone else to include his father, turned his back. He came back to me. We were cool. Well, he went away to college and returned, got a good job, and him and his girlfriend moved in together. 8 months later - twins. He has turned vicious, abusive to her, abusive to me. I have walked away but I am so disappointed and broken by his attitude. The pride before the fall is what I predict but do I want that for my son - of course not.

You are the adult, he is the adult child. If he is being abusive and aggressive, this should send a clear message to you that he could be dangerous. If he is over 18 why are you doing his chores. If he is big enough to buy a house, he is big enough to clean it. You are not his wife, you are his mother! You are only enabling him to treat you the way he does. I raised to sons as a single parent; there is no way I would have accepted the kind of treatment you are. Put some space between you, you don't need to see him three or four times a week. Set boundaries; if you allow him to treat you this way, how do you think he will treat a wife should he ever marry. If your friends see him as abusive, then listen to them; get help. You may be fragile, and I know how hard it is to deal with something like this when you feel you are going to fall apart. Don't let him control you, remember, he gets something out of mistreating you and may be acting out his hostility or anger against you for not having a father in his life. Treat yourself with respect and lay down the ground rules and if you are afraid to do that, what is that telling you? I know what it would tell me! Don't just hang in there, take action and do it now before it is too late for both of you.

By the way, I have two wonderful adult sons; we love and respect each other.

There is no reason in the world for a child to disrespect their parent, no matter what age they are. We are not talking about cleaning his house, I understand what you are saying without you writing a long story . Mothers do wonderful and nice things for their children because they love them. It seems to me that you devoted your life to him and that's okay. We are not given a handbook when we have a child telling us what to do, how to do it or when, etc. You have done nothing wrong. It seems your son is the one with the problem. I would suggest that you don't make yourself so readily available to do things for him, let him realize that the way he is treating is not acceptable. Don't worry he will call you he loves you, he's your son. He' realize what a wonderful Mother you are and realize that he was wrong for treating you this way.