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    funnygirl34's Avatar
    funnygirl34 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 16, 2010, 12:11 PM
    Why does my boyfriend act like he hates me?
    My boyfriend and I will be together 3 years in the next month. Whe we first started dating it was amazing! We both had horrible relationships before we met, and even came to the conclusion "maybe we can't be in a relationship". We fell in love quickly, spent a lot of time together, had tons of things to talk about! We each have 1 kid, and was nervouse they wouldn't like each other, but again it went great... almost too good. We all live together, and there are so many good times, or were anyway. I stay home and take care of the kids, he works a lot, but never complains. Actually brags about staying later and making good money for our family. A couple months ago, he started being sore and tired a lot. He does sports and works out, but feels that his body is wearing out on him. I will massage him and help him in any way I can. Around the same time our sex life changed, he would only innitiate it late at night, he'd wake me up already to go! It was exciting for a while, but then he started turning me down when I wanted to. During the day when the kids weren't there or a spontanious "lunch break". He's even told me I'm making him uncomfortable by being assertive.

    It went down hill from there, he started waking me up for sex, but just got himself "ready" went about his business then rolled over and went back to sleep? Every time I try to talk with him about it, he gets frustrated that we always have to talk about feelings! I just want to try different things! I will give him some credit, he was spontaneous a couple times and it was great!
    So now it has been almost 3 months, we had sex at first maybe once every 2 weeks. Now not only has it been forever since we had sex, now we don't even talk to each other anymore. Just regular conversation " how are the kids?" " I need to pay extra on that bill", " kids got thier report cards".
    I still love his as much as I did when we first fell in love, but I think he hates me. When I try to talk small talk with him, he gets a pained look on his face like he'd rather be anywhere else! I know life gets in the way, and raising kids takes away a lot. But if we don't have the small intimate things anymore, what do we have? Is he cheating? Sick of me?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Dec 16, 2010, 12:57 PM

    I don't think its any of these things, just your ability to make adjustments that work for you.

    Sometimes when we take the changes of reality, whether they are permanent, temporary, or part of a regular, and larger cycle, we take events to personally, and not see a bigger picture. This focuses us on the wrong things, and we miss important facts which we should be paying attention to.

    I think you have made this so much about you, that maybe its more about him, and the way he has changed. Not in his feelings for you, but in himself. Does that make sense? Small changes add up, and can be bigger than they should be.

    For example, telling him his late night urges get you turned on, and you want more by the time he finishes. Maybe he will let you on top first to get yours, before his. I don't know! It could be as simple as he is in the middle of a selfish cycle, or distracted from being attentive to you. It could be a number of things.

    But I do know this is a time for you to pay attention, and be OBJECTIVE, and find the facts, behind HIS feelings and actions, and not just get stuck on your own feelings. That's about communicating, more HOW and WHEN you talk, and listen than what's said, as he may have thoughts, and feelings he is struggling to explain to himself.

    Did you know that growing pains are forever?? Trust me, at 57, I am still growing, and it does hurt. I long for the days when the fantastic stuff I could do in my 20's could somehow return. But they can't, and it hurts mentally, and emotionally, to accept it. I adjust, and so will he, and so will you. Just takes time, and work is all as you keep trying to understand each other, and yourself.

    So next time he needs a back rub, tell him how you feel, not everything all at once while he is getting ready for work, but open the door slowly because he ain't that young no more.
    momilee's Avatar
    momilee Posts: 11, Reputation: 6
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    #3

    Dec 16, 2010, 02:48 PM
    I can see where the advice above is good in a lot of ways, don't let everything be completely personal because it may be less about you than you think. For example, if he's having trouble getting erect, that may not be because of you, and maybe he's too embarrassed to tell you and that's why he gets so pained at the thought of "talking about feelints".

    That being said, the fact that you have so little to do with it is part of the problem. Your relationship has two people in it. Not just one. Right now he is the only one getting his needs met, and in his time-frame. I would be absolutely irate if I only got sex at night while I'm trying to sleep, and if I never had the opportunity to reach fulfillment. I am fine with quickies from time to time, even most of the time, but eventually... well, you know!

    Watch the way you talk to him. Do not try to talk while he's into a TV show, a game, or just came in from work. Start by briefly stating that you have something to talk to him about, and ask him when would be a good time. When it is time, be careful not to drone on and on, act like a victim, guilt trip him, or anything like that. Remember to be a pleasant person to speak with so that he won't despise it.

    Then, be firm. Let him know that you aren't happy. That's harsh, but it's reality. "I love you a lot, and I want this to work, but I'm unhappy." "Why?" "Well I'm sexually frustrated, my sexual needs aren't being met, and I feel lonely in this relationship."

    If he refuses to make a time to talk, do not accept that. If you doesn't care you aren't happy, don't accept that either. You can't force him, of course, but you could...

    Fail to have middle of the night sex
    Not be in the mood at night
    Make it clear that you aren't to be woken up while your sleeping
    Learn to please yourself
    Fill your life with other interests, hobbies, and friends
    Refuse to be isolated
    Let him wonder if maybe he'd like you to be happy.
    And even choose whether you want to wait for him to decide you are worth it.

    Good luck! Don't explode!
    cherryhot2300's Avatar
    cherryhot2300 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Dec 17, 2010, 01:48 AM
    Babe, the first tot that came to my head is... cheating boyfriend! What has changed from the time you met him till now? No matter what has happened to him, or is happening to him it is not fair to take it out on u. His reactions are clearly due to something, it might not necessarily, be that he is cheating but it could be anything. If he is not talking to you about it, and if you have tried like you said to talk to him then I suggest you give him a break, and don't push so much. Truth is guys are selfish most times even without knowing, they almost always think about themselves, you have to begin to think about what is good for you and your kids. The reason why women get hurt a lot of times is because we place the guys needs before ours, so dear see how much of it you can take, if you don't like that he wakes you up at night, tell him to stop! Empower yourself if you can, don't just sit at home waiting for you guy to come pay the bills, find something to do. This is just what I think.
    liongal's Avatar
    liongal Posts: 82, Reputation: 58
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    #5

    Dec 17, 2010, 06:51 PM
    I don't particularly sense he is cheating. While reading your post I wondered how old you both were and how old your kids were? I then wondered if you worked and if this element was missing from your relationship?


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