When my oldest son moved back home with his new wife and daughter; their plan was to live with us and save money to make a downpayment on a home in the near future. His mother and I want to help them but it has been very stressful. I live and work overseas so my wife is busting her chops not only for them but we also have three younger adolesent children at home. The trouble is that my son is disrespectful to my wife and acts as if he wants to take over and run things his way. He reacts to my wife's requests and criticism as if he were a teen still. He also treats his younger siblings as if they are enemies to his daughter. Now his wife is content to lay around the house and do basically nothing while my wife cooks, cleans, and picks up after them as well. So neither my son or his wife are contributing to doing the chores. My younger children are starting to feel alienated from and resentful to their niece because of the way my son and his wife treat them; for example they say "leave her alone, don't touch her".
We have recently begun a dialogue with them about moving out because we feel this is not a workable arrangement considering the current state of our relationship.we love our son and his family and I know they love us but we haven't been able to effect a change in their behavior in our home and my son does not see where he is doing wrong.
Does anyone have any information or advice that may help our situation?
My son works and they have began to put up some money but they are a long way from their goal and his wife is pregnant again. We have been in this living arrangement for four months.

They are house guests, and as such they have overstayed their welcome. Four months is too much, and that is taking advantage of you.

If your son is old enough to be married, and have one child, and another on the way, he should not need his parents to support him. Nor should he expect that it is okay to take advantage of using his parents, in order to put money in the bank to make his life better.

We all start with financial stress. When babies come along, you do what you have to do to provide for your family, and you take on the responsibility to be an adult, without mom and pops providing freebies to make life easiser. Life isn't easy for anybody.

It sounds like you should have known before he moved it, what it would likely be like as far as how your family would be affected. What you expect of your son, should be no less than what you expect of yourself. Would you move your family in with your parents, expect a free ride, and walk all over them with disrespect?

So now that you've opened the opportunity to walk all over you door, you have to find the strength to close that door, and never open it again. If you don't, he will never grow up and take 100% responsibility for himself, and he'll be a very poor father and partner. Don't rob him of the opportunity to step up and be a man.

You have already told him things are not working out, and it would be better that he move his family and himself, to their own home. Avoid the temptation to make life easier for him by giving him money, appliances, first and last, etc. He is a grown man with a wife and a child, and a child on the way. He needs to make his own way now, and not by relying on you and your wife, to provide it.

You don't owe him any explanation whatsoever, except, "That's just the way it is". Avoid negotiating, and avoid any misunderstandings, and to do that, tell him straight up that you expect him out by three weeks from today. Nothing more, nothing less. That's the way its going to be.

Stop allowing yourself to be used and abused. Do the right thing, and allow him to grow up, and take care of his own business.

Jake,
I appreciate your response. It is good to get input from someone who is not personally involved in the situation who can see more clearly without the emotional impedement. I too know what you say is true and have to own the responsibility for what we have allowed to take place. My son and his wife had been on their own living a few hundred miles away from us for almost two years and we thought he had matured dramatically but he had not been able to hold one particular job for very long (going from job to job.). He wanted to move home to be around family and of course we wanted that too but it seemed that when he came he brought the wrong attitude and his wife insisted that she would not work if he moved them home and has kept to her word much to our chagrin. I also think it is possible that my son has adult ADHD which was never diagnosed as a child but he gets so intense he just can't sit still and if he plays with his younger siblings he takes everything too far and won't hardly stop when he is asked to. Usually only stops when my wife has to holler at him to stop. Mainly he's just too rowdy and sometimes too rough. He does not use alcohol or drugs and attends church faithfully of his own volition. I also think he has a strong need to be in control of his domain and that is appropriate if he is in his own home but not in ours and somehow he has the opinion that his mom does not properly chastise his younger siblings so it bothers him because we had to make it clear to him that it is our job to oversee the raising of his siblings whether he agrees with our ways or not. Well I'm rambling a bit too much so back to what you said they need to move out and stand on their own feet. Thanks again for you response.

Yes, while the idea of saving money is great, not at the expense of personal relationships.

And in 4 months how many thousand dollars have they saved, I almost bet not a penny?

And adult children, esp with families are tough to ever move back home, since they are use to being the ones in their home.

I would say, love them, be there for them, but not in the same house

They're always our kids John, no matter how old they are. It is extremely difficult to take a step back and look in and see the true picture. He may very well have problems, including ADHD, and other than suggesting he seek assessment to address it, it will be his decision to make to take your advice, or not. He could have, and most probably does, have some of the finer characteristics you have, but he has not fully made his way- yet. That he managed and did a good job doing the two years he was gone on his own with his own family, is proof that you have taught him what he needs to know, in order to make his own way, under is own steam.

You are not setting him out in unfamiliar territory, without him having the maturity to live his life independently. He has the maturity to do it, he's just in a sort of holding pattern maybe, back to a place where he had more control over his own life, with fewer expectaions. It is not something that he should come to expect is anything other than very temporary, not a way of life. That he has hedged his way into every aspect of YOUR life, and feels entitled to do so, is, I'm sure, something even he knows will come to an end. This won't be a surprise to him.

I do get it though, and sincerely wish you all the strength you need to do what you have to do. Good luck John.

Thank you Jake and Chuck for your input and encouragement.
John

Best of luck to you John. You are not the first person who has faced these circumstances with adult children. It is a different world than it was when we were growing up.

Lifelong jobs with one company don't exist for the most part, anymore. There are so many variables now. Even with the best of educations, there are no guarantees, that at some point, our 'kids' will need to move in to have a roof over their heads, for a little bit of time.

I hope that you will post again when this is all settled for you. There are many who would benefit from knowing how this has all worked out.

There's an adage There is room for only one man in a household. Is it coint to be you or your son?