I know this veery late, but wow, I have to sympathize with you on this one. That must be so hard. I would definitely not see the monster-in-law if it were me. For her to treat you like that is unfair, rude, unreasonable, and just EVIL! And yeah, I think your little girl doesn't need to be there (or with her.) Also, your husband is on the wrong side! Ask him what it would feel like to be told those cruel things from the get-go. Honestly if he doesn't stand up for you, you do need to leave! Even if for a short while. Go to your parents, or even a mother and child shelter while you get a vocational degree. Seriously, everyone and anyone does not deserve to be put in that situation!

I agree, sounds like mother and son are completley un reasonable. If he can not understand how you feel or sympathize after 5 years of this, I don't think he is going to start to now!
I really do feel for you, I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be alienated in your own home by your own family. And you do have the right to decide whom your daughter sees. Is there any chance there is other family members you can stay with, or have you considered family counseling?
From what you have written it seems like you are the submissive one in your own home. No one's kids should have the run of YOUR home. And it's not fair that you have to avoid his daughter and keep quiet in what is supposed to be your sanctuary. Does not seem like very nice living environment.
So in my opinion, I would express how I feel telling him that unless there is some sort of changes being made, then you are leaving. It doesn't have to be for good, but tell him you guys need to fix this as a family. And if he is un willling, then you need to follow through withyour threat.

I have a very similar problem with my MIL. What I learned is if your husband doesn't stand up for you, tell him he must want to be single. If your husband isn't on your side you are always going to get dumped on and be the "bad guy." Emotional abuse and Manipulation are one of the worst kinds of abuse. When someone makes a child feel guilty it makes that child think other peoples emotions, and wants come before their own. That sticks with a child and throughout life they will think of others first instead of themselves . Which is good to an extent. Like when the con man comes around... Anyway I think you should stop beating a dead horse and cut her off. You should demand respect, and if she's not going to comply say the hell with her. She thrives off feeling dominate in her sons, familys lives so show her you are just as dominate and her time to retire has come.Shes had her chance / time to raise her children how dare she try to invade on your first experience. Also treat her like an aqantance, be nice but don't show her you've put any emotion or care into her... that way she can't acuse you for being "bad" because every time you talk to her you are short but charming,Good luck! P.s. Make up every exucse under the sun why your children can't come over BE BUSY ALL THE TIME... even if you don't even plan on leaving the house and don't let your husband know your busy just to avoid her because if he doesn't see anything wrong he may acuse you of being paranoid or obsessed with the conflict...
For example if my kids are sick on a weekend we haven't heard from her , I wait until the next time/ next weekend she calls to say "hes sick" even if we are really going to Disney world
That way instead of talking bad about me and saying how I keep the kids away from her, she can't say anything. If she does I can just make her look like the bad guy because after all my kids were sick and all she can do is think about herself.. and that fight will buy you a few weekends off from having to answer her phone calls. Then next time she calls say " we have plans" and if she gets sassy and says "yeah right" you can be the bigger person and say " Im not discussing this with u, im sorry u seem to want to jump to conclusions" See? It sets you free from being the bad guy and makes her look like she's causing trouble and selfish.

I must say it is very forgiving of you that you haven't already left a husband like him. He should be greatfull that after all these years of taking emotional abuse from him AND his mother, you are still there. I do not think I could stay that long in such a relationship. I would rather be off and let all of them play happy family.

Most of the MILs are like that but it's the husband's duty to keep a healthy balance between all the parties. And clearly your husband fails to do that. Can it be because he does not know the severity of concerns and tensions? Maybe you haven't told him the way you should had..

It is time for you to take control all the control back from everyone including your husband. Not just of your own life but your family's lives as well. Make it clear to your husband that you will NOT be controlled by you MIL, and also not from your step daughter. You do not have to even talk to you MIL about how wrong she is in this. Your husband should deal with her. Its not your duty. Sit with your husband and set some ground rules. Tell him that this time you ARE going to stick to them and give him an ultimatum of what you would do if the same things happen again. And if it doesn't work, then I personally think that you or anyone does not deserve this and you would be justified to leave. Just be strong and assertive and take the control back. 8 years is a very long time, and if he does not understand even now, then I doubt he ever will.

Best of luck.

I am in an amazingly similar situation, & did the same thing! My husband does not struggle with alcohol, but had extreme anger problems when we were married. His relationship with his mother was absolutely horrendous, & proved to be very toxic to him as well as our marriage. His mother systematically moves from one person to another within her sphere of influence, gossiping, pitting them against one another, & complaining. Her needs & feelings trump ALL others. We put up with it, jointly, until our son was born. At that point, I did the same thing you did... I said, "no more." I refuse to let her do what she does to any of my children. The way she treats people is an obstacle to a happy life, but it won't be in my baby's. I am SO thrilled that we have had no contact for 2 years now, & can report that my husband is SO much better. He has since accepted Christ into his life & been saved, & is so much healthier, emotionally.

I read your post & wanted to commend & encourage you in what you are doing. It is the RIGHT thing... don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Our children depend on us to protect them & to place them ONLY in situations that are good for them. They are do young to do this on their own, therefore it is our responsibility, our job, & we would be remiss to do anything but, protect them at all costs. Continue on in what you are doing... it will serve both you & your children well.

I have learned in my life that family is an incredibly important component of a happy life. No one will be there for you the way your family will. BUT, there just because someone has a biological tie to you or your spouse, they are not to be automatically considered family. There are a lot of unstable, mean, depraved people in our fallen world, & they all have 'family' (in the biological sense), too. This does not mean that it is in their relative's best interest to associate or carry on a relationship with them. Hats off to you for putting the precious children in this situation, first.