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nikkiboo81 · Sep 9, 2010, 09:58 PM

Hello people!
My boyfriend and I met online in December, and we fell in love quickly. He is so smart, intelligent, funny, and handsome. He lives about 6 hours away but I have been willing to travel and visit. He lost his job a few months ago and it has been hell trying to find another job, which is strange because he is a truck driver. I guess because he has minimal experience, he is not getting any call backs. Anyway at first he had strong faith and as time has progressed and still no job he is pushing way back from me. I try to assure him that I am here for him and I have been where he is at, and I try to encourage him to keep trying and something will happen. Well, still nothing and during the last few months I wanted to visit him but he says no because he wouldn't be good company right now... now the phone calls/text messages have become very faint. I support him in any way possible (financially and emotionally) but he just kind of pulls away. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be with him and he seems to not want to be with me even though the last time we had conversation he said that he does. What should I do? HELP!!

beachloverjohn · Sep 10, 2010, 10:41 AM

First, I want to tell you how great you are to be so supportive as you have been. I'm sure he is discouraged by now, and doesn't want you to see him in such a depressed state. He doesn't want to take advantage of you, and just needs some space right now. Hopefully, he will find a job soon and he will be back in your life. Just be patient and don't push him. I'm sure he sees what a wonderful girl you are, and this has nothing to do with you. All you can do is continue to be there for him, but try not to push him and he will come to you when the time is right.

answerme_tender · Sep 10, 2010, 11:32 AM

Stop cuddling him. He is grown man. Its hard to find a job, but you have expressed you are there for him, now he needs to be there for himself. Let him have some space to work this out, he may or may not choose to continue a relationship. Unfortunately you are trying to be supportive and loving, sometimes that isn't what's going to pull him out of his depression, only he can do that. Go on with your life, don't keep putting your life on hold.

BMI · Sep 10, 2010, 11:58 AM

Long distance relationhips are always hard. Hard to maintain and really hard to get a clear picture as to what is actually going on.

I understand losing a job is difficult and can become downright depressing; However, I'm not so sold on the fact that it would make him recoil from those he loves. I too thought it strange that he has been so long without a job, being in the business that he is in. Even so, if it has progressed this long why has he not taken the odd job besides truck driving to keep him afloat until he finds something new? I'm sure he can find something to live on, even if it not ideal. In addition, would he not want your support during this time, your reassurances, maybe even some tips and suggestions? I think it strange to react so harsh considering the circumstances.

Anyway, I'm not a job hunting coach but I think something amiss is going on here. Better to consider all avenues before devoting yourself (like you have) to someone who is not very receptive to your sympathy and kindness.

nikkiboo81 · Sep 10, 2010, 12:09 PM

Thank u both, I agree with it all and have thought about everything before that u all said. I will take it into consideration. He text me in the middle of the night to tell me that he is thinking of me... so I don't want to give up on him cause I know he is stressed. I'm going to step back and focus on school and work, try to keep busy until he gets evrything back to normal. Thanks again guys!

I wish · Sep 10, 2010, 03:19 PM

Maybe the best thing to do is to leave him alone. Just let him know that you still care about him and that you're there for him if he needs it. He will come to you if you wants help. If he doesn't ask for help, you don't need to offer it.

Definitely stay busy as he's trying to get his life together. Once he's got a job, things will get easier. He just needs to stay strong and keep trying to apply for jobs. Suggest to him that he try to do some cold calling too. Maybe if he took a more proactive approach rather then sit back and wait for something to happen.

nikkiboo81 · Sep 10, 2010, 03:39 PM

All of your answers are very helpful and gives me insight as to what I should do. Some people are so critical when they don't know all the details speculation. Its good to hear feedback and advice from an unbiased group of people, Thanks so much. I love him and its hard to let go, I'm 28 with no kids and I'm ready to settle down but I keep having to start over.

nikkiboo81 · Sep 20, 2010, 11:05 PM

Okay you guys, I have been played! Once again. I backed up and gave him space and still supported him from a distance and then I come to find out that he and his ex have been seeing each other. So, it seems that I am the dummy and have fallen into a trap once again. Why is it so hard to find a good guy that will appreciate my efforts and everything I try to do for them. This is not the first time a guy has done this type of thing to me. Is there something wrong with me that I attract these worthless no count guys that would rather choose the girl that's full of drama over the girl that has their back and shows them nothing but love?? Please enlighten me peeps! SMH!

beachloverjohn · Sep 21, 2010, 05:00 AM

You are a trusting soul, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just haven't met the right guy yet. Keep trying, and don't get discouraged. I just wrote something on another post and it applies to you as well. One of these days, you are going to thank this guy for setting you free. Free to meet and fall in love again, only this time to the right one. And it will happen again, only this one will see you and appreciate and love you for the kind, caring person that you are. Because right now that someone is just waiting in the wings, and he is out there, and when you least expect it, he will come into your life.

Cat1864 · Sep 21, 2010, 05:57 AM

Nikki, there is nothing wrong with you. I get the impression, though, that you have a tendency to jump in feet first without looking. However, that is a matter of learning how to date and get to know someone before deciding the feelings are stronger than friendship and are mutual.

Let yourself fully heal and move on from this relationship. Use this as a learning experience in what you do and don't want in a relationship.

Get involved in things that help you feel good about yourself and meet new people. Enjoy movies and events with friends. Don't rush into being exclusive or committed.

If you feel like you are putting in all the effort to keep a relationship going, take a step back. I know the need to fill the space caused by the other person pulling away is strong. However, backing off allows you to see the full picture and for the other person to move toward you if that is what he wants.

answerme_tender · Sep 21, 2010, 06:56 AM

Nikki--Hello you are not the only one to full for a worthless piece. Why do you think so many of us have found this site!! YOu have a lot of qualities to offer, but stop offer so quickly. So you are 28 and ready to settle down. Stop making it yourself feel like you have to settle for the very next guy that shows you attention or acts like he wants to be your boyfriend. Remember a real man that can handle a relationship is looking for a woman to be his partner not his MOTHER, this man will not need you to conrtinously ask how is he doing,what you can do for him, etc. He will let you know what he needs, but most important he will also GIVE BACK!! Don't settle, be a little choisey this time---good luck

talaniman · Sep 21, 2010, 07:29 AM

You have done nothing at all wrong! Know that and embrace it. Its him who hasn't been honest and forthcoming in his own approach to you.

You are a good human being, but he is NOT! But now you know that, and maybe his actions when he lost his job, was but a preview/warning into the way he is, how he handles himself and his problems.

nikkiboo81 · Sep 21, 2010, 09:31 AM

You guys are so right! I trust people right away because I feel that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I also tend to fall in love easily, not discerning whether the person should be my friend or someone that I can have a lasting relationship with. I guess I can't read people to well. Its just in my nature to nurture... I take care of the people I love and I have a hard time walking away from a person when they are in need. I always thought those qualities were good but I guess they could be hurtful if given to the wrong person. You guys are so honest and I love it. It stings to actually hear it but I know that all that you have said is very true. Im a sucker for love and when I think I have found it, I fall head first! I know there is an amazing guy out there for me and we just haven't crossed paths but I know one thing for sure, I'm going to make sure that the next guy really shows me his interest. A little chasing will be involved on his behalf. Once again thanks for all the advice, it is very helpful.

Cat1864 · Sep 21, 2010, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by nikkiboo81

Once again thanks for all the advice, it is very helpful.

You're welcome. :)

A lesson from a fairytale to use in real life is you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. You've added one more to the identification chart. When you see more like him, you'll know better than to invite them to the castle.

Good luck.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 21, 2010, 10:20 AM

You said you fall in love head first. You fall heart first and don't use you head much.
You seem to be a nice and very giving person, but not everyone is nice and not everyone you want to so freely give your heart to, wants your heart.
You're 28 but not desperate. Take your time. The right man will come along but don't be so happy to have someone that you ignore or don't see what you need to see. Don't fall heart first. Open your eyes and see what's there and really listen to what someone is saying.
I wish you well