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    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 16, 2010, 07:54 PM
    I found a letter to my wife's old boyfriend!
    I intercepted a 5 page letter my wife of 20 years wrote to her old boyfriend. She told him that she loved me for the man, husband and father I am but will 'always but always love him'. She said to him that she can't 'give herself to me 'totaly' because she still loves him so much'. He lives across the country and seldom comes home to visit his family. I don't think they have been intimate physically but it's obvious her heart belongs to him. What the heck should I do?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #2

    Sep 16, 2010, 08:10 PM

    How long ago was this letter written?
    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 16, 2010, 08:16 PM
    Feb 16th. She also sent him a Valentines Day card. I approached her about it and she said 'I didn't understand the type of relationship they had'. She admitted they had emailed and also text/called each other. She said she would show me all her phone records and email. I gave 7 months already and she's yet to produce any of them. She hasn't mentioned since.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #4

    Sep 16, 2010, 08:19 PM

    What will you do if she doesn't produce them?
    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Sep 16, 2010, 08:28 PM
    Comment on J_9's post
    FEB 16th
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #6

    Sep 17, 2010, 03:50 AM

    I'm not sure that this is much comfort to you but I doubt very much that your wife actually is still in love with this guy. I think she is in love with the idea of him and the past and her youth etc. I think it is probably either some hang-up from the past that she hasn't resolved and has allowed to grow into a fantasy, or it is a form of escapism where she is using the past as a refuge from something she isn't dealing with in the here and now.

    Having said that, I do know a woman who was in a similar situation and didn't realise it wasn't really love until she had already thrown her marriage away. These feelings, however unrealistic, can ruin relationships.

    The fact that she is trying to act on this is really not acceptable and is obviously undermining your marriage.

    I think you need to bite the bullet and ask her if there has been any more contact, where she sees this going, and see if she will go to counselling with you.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #7

    Sep 17, 2010, 05:31 AM

    I think you need to look into marriage counseling. Even if she has broken off contact with him, it has damaged the trust in the relationship.

    I don't know how you 'intercepted' the letter or how you have seen other emails, but this doesn't need to end up with you looking into her private correspondence without her knowledge/permission (and I don't mean the 'If don't trust me look for yourself' type of permission) trying to find evidence of what is going on. That would only erode the trust even farther and probably cause her to hide her correspondence with everyone not just the old boyfriend.

    Counseling will give you both a safe and level foundation to work out the issues and decide where the marriage is going from here.
    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Sep 17, 2010, 05:55 AM
    Comment on QLP's post
    I confirmed more contact as recent as June. He showed up at her birthday party in June. (He lives in CA - we live in TN). It was in public place - Elks Club. They were outside at the same time during the evening for about 10 Min. Counseling for sure!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    Sep 17, 2010, 05:59 AM
    QLP might have hit the nail on the head with this one. What she has put out, may not be reciprocted, at least not to the point where he is considering a full blown relationship with her. Who knows- maybe he is flattered, maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, maybe his responses to her have been to try harder with her husband. She may be keeping the email and text messages from you, because she wants you to think there is more to it than there really is. And why? To get attention, to make you jealous, maybe payback for something you did, or that she perceives that you did. Could be many connotations to the actual 'relationship', and 'the other man' may not realize he is being, perhaps, used.

    If you do get to read the 'evidence' between them, and it isn't one sided, in that she is pursuing this other man, and he's not interested, then I would set some firm expectations. Counselling is a must, and it has to start with an unbiased third party who help you and your wife get all the cards on the table.

    If she is unwilling to stop communcating with him, or if she says she is, and you still cannot trust her, again, get counselling. This has put a wedge in your relationship that cannot be ignored.

    What I really want to say, and I can't, so just pretend you aren't reading this part, is, contact him, and get his side of the story. Ask him what the hell he is doing messing around electronically with your wife, and that you'd like it to stop immediately. His reaction would tell a lot of how serious they are, or, how it is only her (maybe) that is pursuing this. It may be a non-relationship, which would indicate some problems in itself, in that she is pursuing one.

    But, that could also open up a whole can of worms too. And in the end, it will be whether your wife is willing to be honest, attend counselling, give up this man, in whatever context their relationship is, and work hard to save her marriage. No matter how you look at this, it is time to set some expectations of her, with the first one being counselling. I'd take that a step further, and make the arrangements myself, and tell her that you expect her to attend, or she can expect another consequences of her behaviour, and that is a separation until she decides whether she wants to remain married.
    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Sep 17, 2010, 06:06 AM
    A little more: after I confronted her she said she would show me all calls/text/emails and Facebook messages.Not a single thing she has shown me. WHY? I would show her every email-text ALL correspondents I have. Additionally she said she would get him to send the Valentines Day card back to her or scan and email back so I could see - nope that hasn't happened yet either. From her letter: "I do wonder if my punishment here is wanting and needing something I'll probably never have. Like I told you, I love *#*#& for the husband, father and man he is but---(always but) in the depths of my heart I'll always love you". (Her punishment for hurting him when they were 16 yrs old) Her punishment is living with me as she wants and needs him? And --- 'probably never have'? Does that mean there is a possibility that she will have that 'thing' (him) eventually? Later in the letter she says "if they can be together here - then since they both are Christians - they will spend eternity together in heaven." That hurt.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #11

    Sep 17, 2010, 06:21 AM
    In reading your last post, something struck me, how old is she? Does she have a history of depression or other medical problems?

    Along the lines of what Jake and QLP were saying, could she be building a fantasy world out thoughts and memories not to hurt you or anything like that but because her mind isn't functioning properly?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #12

    Sep 17, 2010, 06:22 AM
    From what you've just said, this is sounding more and more like her living a fantasy with a man, who is probably not pursuing her. She has this whole thing going on, and it is impossible to tell what is real, and what isn't, or whether her words are in response to similar feelings from this other man, or because of his response being negative to her being in love with him.

    Has there ever been anything similar to this behaviour from her, in the past? Has she ever been diagnosed with any mental illness? Is there any reason you can think of that could have triggered or helped cause this?

    My advice to you now, is to not react. If you do, and if it is negative, she will likely shut down. Wait until you have more information before deciding on a course of action.
    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Sep 17, 2010, 06:43 AM
    We both are 42 - we both are healthy, mentall and physically. One son in college - another is a junior in High School. Once before (10 yrs ago) she admitted to in a jokingly way that she was on the phone with him for 3 hours one night. She said she wanted to air out things and apologize for hurting him in high school. When I questioned her sister last week about all this - she said all that was B-S. They dated even in college - after high school. All this 'triggered' from recent 'activity' after he came home for about 3 weeks over Christmas and New Years. We went 2 or 3 times during this time and he was always at the same places. One night about 40 us had a get together and they were at a corner table - by themselves Their chairs were almost touching and looked like they were about kiss each other. I watched from across the room for 30 mintues just to see how close they were going to get. During those 3 weeks when he was here - I have been concerned that they may have 'hooked up'. It would have been easy for that to happen.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #14

    Sep 17, 2010, 07:17 AM
    My question to you is if this man has been around and in the same room with you all why haven't you approached them? Why haven't you went and stood by her side and introduced yourself? Make yourself known to him. Why did you just sit across the room and watch?
    ShakenHusband's Avatar
    ShakenHusband Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Sep 17, 2010, 07:31 AM
    Comment on 88sunflower's post
    I know her ex-boyfriend very well. We all went to college together (20 yrs ago). I did go to their table and sit between them - or tried to. I noticed they were looking at each like they loved each other. Make sense? 2 weeks later I saw her letter.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #16

    Sep 17, 2010, 09:30 AM
    That he called YOU, and was willing to talk to you, and you didn't respond, could have been an error on your part.

    Consider that he could be perfectly innocent here. Why else would he call you directly, except to say that you've got it all wrong. Maybe the 30 minute phone call to her was to straighten her out.

    Of course, I could be all wrong, but you really don't know, and you missed an opportunity there to get the perspective of the man, to whom your wife is infatuated.

    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #17

    Sep 17, 2010, 09:58 AM
    Please use the Answer box instead of the comment box. It makes it easier to keep up with the posts and facts.

    ShakenHusband : I did contact him-went to vmail. He called her immediately. She schooled him for 30 min or so - then he called me back. I checked her phone calls/text timing against my calls to him. I knew this so when he called me back I didn't take his call.
    Something isn't adding up. When did he call you back? The same day or later?

    If you are already checking her calls/texts, then why do you need her to give them to you?

    You were good friends with him in college but didn't know that she was dating him even into college until you talked to her sister?

    I am beginning to think there is a lot more to this story than what has been given. However, it boils down to counseling to see where the marriage stands and where to go from here.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #18

    Sep 17, 2010, 10:01 AM

    Shaken, Sorry your having to go through this. Your wife has built up this fantasy in her own mind about this ex-boyfriend. He obviously is getting an ego build from this, but it doesn't appear he is willing or wanting to go any further then that. But remember he isn't the one who has a commitment with you, so don't make this his mess, its your wife's. For whatever reason she has herself fully confinced about her love for this guy. Have you tried counseling, even if she isn't willing, go for yourself. You can't force anything on her, she will just fight you anyway. Its time for you to get help, so you can make some decisions, what do you want out of this marriage, do you feel its worth being in.---good luck
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #19

    Sep 17, 2010, 10:14 AM

    I do think you should talk to him.

    By the "it was very nice" comment about the valentine, it doesn't sound like he's got it bad for her.

    You can't just sit there and brood about what if this or that happened. I think I would be finding out where I stood in this marriage and where he is in regards to his feelings for your wife.

    This isn't going to go away and everything return to the way it was. Call him and get his side of the story.

    If she decides to go back and try to recapture memories from twenty years ago, she is going to be sorely disappointed.

    She's hanging on to something that I think was more serious on her part even then.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Sep 17, 2010, 04:05 PM

    Call the guy up right now, and tell him to leave your wife alone, or come get the beeyatch. Make sure she is standing there and then start packing her stuff or YOURS.

    Her behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, and NOT to be tolerated at all!!! You can pissy foot around all you want, but nothing like direct, and decisive actions to get your house in order. She can get counseling while you get gone. To be disrespected to your face is UNACCEPTABLE.

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